ROAR (32 page)

He visibly relaxed. Is that what he was so nervous about tonight?

She’d hate herself for reminding him, but needed to make sure he’d thought this through. “What about Tori?”

“Well…” She waited for him to reconsider. “I’ve only been away from her side about five or six days in more than four years, and…” He sighed. “I didn’t mention this earlier, but I’ve been seeing a grief counselor the past few weeks.”

“Good for you!” Finally, someone who could help him figure out what he wanted out of the rest of his life, rather than remaining tied to the past.

He rushed to add, “Don’t think I’m going off the deep end or anything. He’s a relationship counselor as well as a grief expert. Anyway, he’s been helping me to see it’s not healthy to hold on to Tori this tightly.”

No shit.

“I think it’s great that you’re talking with someone who’s objective and trained to help people sort out situations and deal with warring factions in their cognitions.” When his eyes glazed over, she grinned. “Sorry for the lapse into jargon. All I’m saying is he could help you find ways to a new happiness and to let go of some of the internal conflict about letting go of the past.”

“Ah, I agree. Today, he helped me see that I need to allow myself a mental-health break every now and then. I know this all sounds sudden, and it’s unlike me to be spontaneous, but I decided a short getaway might do me some good. I just don’t care much for traveling alone.”

“Me, either. So you want to go to Sonoma?” She’d only been there once, with her mom, but she’d been too young to drink wine at the time.

“Yeah. We’ll want to beat the Fourth of July weekend crowd, but I found a rental that’s available starting this Friday night. Is that too soon?” He quickly added, “We’ll have separate bedrooms, of course.”

She smiled and mentally shook her head, knowing he wasn’t ready to take
that
kind of leap. Regardless, she wasn’t used to Kristoffer being spontaneous, and what he was proposing was an enormous leap for him. “I can be ready whenever you are.”

“Great. Going with you will be a lot more special than going alone or with anyone else.”

Pamela’s chest grew tight at the last part. He didn’t want just any travel companion. He wanted
her
. “I can’t wait.”

A whole week together without one or the other having to go home at the end of the evening. Not to mention that being away from Tori and the heavy burden of responsibility that he carried would be freeing for Kristoffer, too. She felt a little guilty for thinking it. But selfish though she might be, having him to herself might help her to figure out whether he’d be worth waiting for. One day, he’d be free to love again, but putting herself on hold for a man had never been something she’d considered doing. Not in a million years.

Kristoffer was different than any man she’d ever met, and she was fast approaching the point where she wouldn’t be able to imagine her life going forward without him in it.

She could put her life on hold for years, even decades, waiting for Tori to pass. There were no guarantees Kristoffer would even want anything more with her at that point.

Raising her hopes too high might happen at her peril and be a monumental risk to her heart.

*     *     *

Had he done the right thing to ask her to spend a week with him in Sonoma? Would he be able to control his desires during that time when every moment spent with her only made him want her more?

They settled down on the couch to watch a movie. He couldn’t say which one they watched, but he stroked her bare arm as her head lay cradled in his lap. He couldn’t believe he’d sought out a therapist, but Kristoffer had to admit his anxiety level had decreased about spending times like this with Pamela. He actually looked forward to them.

Somehow, talking with another man had been easier than trying to explain his carnal conflict with a woman. He and Rick also had the stock market as a common interest. Often their sessions started out discussing markets and other subjects comfortable for Kristoffer before Rick zeroed in on something personal and pushed him that much further into talking about making changes in his life. While most adjustments Kristoffer had made in his life had been subtle up to this point, the upcoming trip would be monumental.

Rick nailed it this afternoon when he said, “It sounds as though you haven’t allowed yourself time to grieve.” He’d spelled out the stages of grief, as if Kristoffer needed any more stages to wade through.

In fact, Kristoffer hadn’t considered a need to grieve at all over the years, because Tori wasn’t dead. Not in the sense she’d been buried, anyway. Not in the way that would have allowed him to move on with his life after a few years.

She remained alive in some ways, but dead to him in so many others. Trapped between two worlds.

This trip with Pamela would open a new door for him. He hoped he was doing the right thing.

Pamela brought him back to the moment when she sat up. “I think I dozed off. Was it good?”

He gave a noncommittal grunt. “I’d better be heading home.”

“Text me when you get there. You look as worn out as I feel.”

He nodded and left. As soon as he let himself into his condo, he texted to let her know he’d made it home safely and to say goodnight. He stood and pocketed his phone, walking across the living room to pour himself a stiff drink, but he hadn’t even removed the stopper from the decanter of scotch before realizing he really didn’t want a drink at all. Another bad habit he’d developed in recent years. Self-medication, Rick called it.

He ought to be preparing for his imminent trip. Glancing back at the sofa, he saw a stack of unread
Wall Street Journal
newspapers. He definitely needed to clean the place up before Liz and Ron arrived to stay with Noma while he was gone.

That his in-laws had agreed to help him get away on such short notice surprised him, but they’d been checking in more frequently since their daughter’s bout with pneumonia, so when they’d called while he was visiting Tori tonight, the request was out before he gave it another thought. Perhaps they were more aware than before that it might only be a question of time before their daughter lost her tenuous hold on life.

His thoughts turned to Sonoma. Would going back to a place steeped in memories of Tori be what his therapist had in mind? He hadn’t revealed that to Rick—or to Pamela. But when he thought about traveling, the valley was the first place that called to him.

Sonoma.

He’d rented a house not far from where they’d honeymooned eighteen years ago this August. The thought of returning to that other house churned his stomach, but his need to relive the happy moments he’d spent in the valley with Tori then and over the years was too strong to ignore.

Noma rubbed his pant leg, and he picked her up. Petting her while staring out the window at the skyline miles away, he remembered the day they’d rescued the cat soon after an anniversary trip. They’d named her Sonoma, but Noma fit her better.

He reminded himself that he’d need to be as attentive as possible to Pamela during the upcoming trip, though. She’d have no fun if all he did was wallow in the past.

Should he tell her about the significance of where they were going?

Maybe—once they were out there. It wasn’t as though they were going as lovers.
That
would have been supremely tacky and thoughtless. But the valley called to him as it hadn’t done in years. He needed to revisit a place where the vivacious Tori had still been a part of his life. No, not to relive the past. Perhaps, instead, the time had come to say goodbye to that chapter in his life. To close the door and move on.

With Pamela?

If only he could.

K
ristoffer tried to shed the lethargy that had grown worse the farther away from Denver they flew. He carried the remainder of their suitcases into the vacation rental house as Pamela set the brown-paper grocery bag on the kitchen counter. They planned to eat out, but had bought coffee, creamer, and a few snacks. Without hesitation, she made a beeline for the patio doors where he joined her, looking out over the rolling hills covered in vineyards.

“I can’t believe we’re here, Kristoffer.” She smiled up at him. “I like surprises like these.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve done anything spontaneous.” He’d said goodbye to Tori eight hours ago, and here he was about to spend a week without her in their favorite place. His heart felt encased in ice. Numb. He hadn’t been away from Tori more than two or three days at any given time in all the years they were married.

Guilt threatened to weigh him down. Should he have come here alone? Why drag Pamela out here on the pretense of a carefree vacation when his mind intended to wallow in the past?

Consider this yet another roleplay scene.

Refusing to disappoint Pamela, he resolved to make this week enjoyable for his friend while still honoring his memories of Tori. Sonoma was one of his wife’s favorite places. Maybe her spirit would be here with them if she truly were free of her broken body.

“Which bedroom would you like?” she asked, drawing him back.

“Doesn’t matter to me. I doubt either one will be bad.” The vacation property listed two master bedrooms, so they’d have plenty of room to spread out without stepping on each other’s toes.

“Why don’t you take the master bedroom on that side then?”

He picked up her carry-on bag in one hand and the larger suitcase in the other. “Let’s settle in before going out to dinner in a couple hours. I made a reservation at a wonderful place you’re going to love. This place is a bit more formal. Do you mind dressing up a little?”

She raised herself on tiptoes and placed a quick kiss on his cheek, throwing him off guard. “Sounds wonderful! I rarely get a chance to dress up.”

How could she be so upbeat when he’d just abandoned his
wife
? Sharing this vacation with Pamela seemed wrong on so many levels. Whatever had possessed him?

You aren’t here to have sex. This is just about two friends enjoying some time away from it all.

About his finding life away from Tori, at least for a week.

He needed to take the focus off himself and place it on Pamela. For her, this truly was a vacation getaway, not a homework assignment from a therapist. His depressing mood would only put a damper on her experience if he didn’t shift gears into a Sonoma state of mind.

After carrying her bags to her room, he rolled his own into the room she declared to be his. He’d unpacked and put everything away in drawers or the closet within twenty minutes. Unable to relax or nap, he walked over to the window, but the view barely registered with him. All his mind could see was Tori, not as she was when they’d last come to the valley, but as she’d looked when he kissed her goodbye this morning.

He missed her already.

Shaking off the feeling that he’d made the wrong decision to come here, he turned and chose what to wear tonight. He hung the coat to his Italian cotton suit on the wooden valet stand. He probably could go casual in the valley at most places this week, but felt more comfortable in a suit and tie for where he planned to take Pamela tonight.

Two hours later, after checking on how the market was doing before the closing, he responded to Pamela’s knock at the door. “Come in.” He looked up from his computer to find she’d dressed in a flowing skirt with a tight-fitting blouse that showed off her breasts to perfection.

Why was he noticing her breasts?

Because you aren’t dead yet.

Her telltale blush told him she was aware of his wayward gaze. Her gaze shifted toward the window. “Mind if I see what your view is on this side of the house?”

His arm swept toward the windows. “Be my guest.”

She walked to the balcony window and stared out. “Oh, you can see the villa from here! This is what I imagine Tuscany must be like.”

He suddenly didn’t care about any view other than the one of the woman standing before him. Right or wrong, they were out here together now.

‘Give this thing a chance, Cuz. You need a life again.’

Gunnar’s words from last night’s phone call reverberated through his mind. When Kristoffer had agreed to take this trip, his intention had been to take a break from daily visits with Tori and to get to know Pamela better. Not as lovers, of course, but as friends. Gunnar probably had the wrong idea, but that was his problem.

He’d agreed to help Pamela further her training, too. Being in a new setting—well, new for the two of them together, anyway—might be the perfect time for that.

He wouldn’t let things go too far, but there were any number of things he could do to continue working with her focus issues.

The sudden urge to flee nearly overwhelmed him, but instead, he retreated to the closet where he pulled out a white dress shirt and a tie. “Be right back.” He went into the bathroom to change out of the polo shirt he’d worn on the plane. Damned if he’d let Pamela down by running back home the first day. He owed her more than that. She’d been his rock ever since Tori had been hospitalized.

His friend.

His temporary submissive—no, bottom was more accurate for their level of power exchange.

After dressing, he returned to the bedroom to see she still stood in the window taking everything in. Everything excited her like a little girl at Christmas, despite her having been to a number of places in the world.

He made a fist at his side, determined to keep his hands off her. “Ready for dinner?”

She turned and smiled. “More than! Let me just grab a wrap and my purse.”

Her ginger hair was swept up into a doughnut-style bun, but a couple tendrils had come loose and caressed her neck. Why was he tempted to pull her hair loose to cascade around her shoulders? Or to run his fingers through her tresses the way she loved so much?

A few moments later, his hand rested on the curve of her lower back as he guided her from the house and down the stone path to the Ford Mustang. When Pamela had said she’d always wanted to drive the winding California roads in a convertible, he hadn’t been able to tell her no and upgraded their rental at the airport.