Romancing the Rogue (211 page)

“He stays with me.” Rachel stood resolute on her decision and I couldn’t help but admire her determination. But I knew what trials she would face, caring for a small child on her own. I wanted to question her but held
myself in check. Now was not the time¯not while her loss was so fresh, so raw. And not while the boy was in hearing distance.

Grayson and Matthew soon returned, the former clutching a handful of train tickets.

We returned to the hotel and Grayson escorted my sisters and me to our room. With two more people to crowd the small space, it was unbearable. Grayson must have echoed my thoughts for he told me he would seek a second room. He left to do so, just as Matthew excused himself from my sister and his young cousin. The gentlemen closed the door behind them, leaving me alone with my sisters and the young boy.

The hours passed slowly, with us settled in various corners of the room. Grayson delivered us a small repast about half of noon and we thanked him and invited him to sit with us for a while. He refused after quietly murmuring his desire not to intrude upon my sister’s grief.

As the sun set and the night became cooler, Rachel settled the boy on the far corner of the thin mattress. It had been decided that they would use the bed this evening. Though Rachel was much taller than I and would have trouble fitting well, Amelia and I agreed that Rachel needed the bed more. Amelia settled into the space Grayson and I had previously shared. I tried to feign interest in slumber but I couldn’t and I soon excused myself from the room, intending to spend a few quiet, and private, moments upon the front porch.

My intentions weren’t met. My soldier sat just outside his room’s door, only three rooms down from ours. I didn
’t see him at first, so caught up in my thoughts¯many about him
¯
as I was. Grayson stood as I neared and my breath stalled in the back of my throat. I stopped less than a yard from him, silent and staring.

He reached out a hand and beckoned me forward. I exhaled audibly as I placed my shaking hand in his. He pulled me closer as he one-handedly opened the door. I didn’t resist, knowing I wanted him to hold me
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at least for a little while.

His room was slightly larger than ours, most likely because it was a corner room. Nerves held my tongue silent as he lit the lamp on the lone table. The light only deepened the shadows and planes of his face. But now I could see his eyes as they stared into mine; I wasn’t sure I wanted that.

He sat on the bed, not trying to touch me. I stood there, near him, not saying even a word. I didn’t know what to say.

“Why aren’t you asleep?” His voice was loud in the room, and I started.

“The room is too small. There are too many people in it.” I whispered the words, my fingers twisting the end of the ribbon tying my hair back.

“You are more than welcome to sleep here tonight. But I’m not taking the floor, not after two nights on hardwood. But the bed’s plenty big for two.” He laughed a little as he said this and I wondered what he was intending.

“If you don’t mind,” I told him, bending to remove my worn and tattered shoes. Amelia wasn’t the only one in need of a new pair of shoes.

“No. I can’t say I mind at all.” He removed his own new boots, setting them slightly beneath the bed. It was much larger than the one in my room.

I began unbuttoning my dress, fingers shaking so badly it took me an inordinate length of time. By the time I had removed the garment, revealing my underclothing, he was completely undressed save for the bottoms of his underwear. Even his chest was bared, his wound now only a thin red line, barely visible in the honeyed lamplight. He stared at me, eyes running from my face to my feet, taking in everything in between.

No one save him had ever looked at me so boldly.

I wasn’t sure I liked it.

He reached out a hand, touching not my face as I expected, but pulling on the ribbon holding my hair back. My hair fell loose about my shoulders. “But it gets so horribly matted.”

“I like it down. You’ve beautiful hair when it’s like this.” His hand lowered, catching mine and pulling me toward the bed. “Come, I know you’re tired.”

I settled on the mattress on the side closest to the wall; I’d noticed before that he liked to sleep nearest the door. I pulled the thin quilt up to my chin, watching him.

I’d never been completely alone with him before¯not without Amelia’s chaperoning presence. He rolled on his side, facing me, and pulled the blanket up to his own chest. His knees bent, coming a little closer to mi
ne and I pulled back, just a little.

His chest loomed quite large over me in the dark, though he only lay on his side. He was such a big man, broad of shoulder and strong. The mattress squeaked as he shifted again and I started to sit up, whispered words running off my tongue. He hushed me, laughing a little, telling me I was making little sense. My eyes settled on his chest, seeing the mat of hair covering his skin, marred only by the thin red scarring. I brushed a finger over it, remembering how he had bled. “Doesn’t it hurt?”

“Only a little.” His hand wrapped around mine, pulling it to his lips. He brushed a kiss into my palm, followed the caress with his tongue.

I shivered; I liked that. He flattened my palm against his chest and I could feel the excited thump of his heart.

His arm slid around my waist, drawing me nearer to him, still under the old quilt. I knew this was what I wanted
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to be held, kissed, if only for a little while.

“Grayson?”

“Hmm?” He nuzzled my neck and his slight beard prickled the skin of my throat.

“Did you mean it? What you said earlier about me touching you?”

His body stilled completely, even his breathing. His hands tightened on my back; I wasn’t sure how
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or when
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they had gotten there. “Do you want me to?”

“I don’t know,” I paused a moment, unsure how to go on. “I think I do, yes.”

“Only think? I need more than that, Olivia.” His fingers relaxed and I felt him withdraw his arms.

I didn’t want him to let go. I ran my hand over his jaw, trying to tell him without saying it that I
did
want him to touch me, to perhaps do more than just touch me.

It was up to me, I knew that, and hadn’t I determined that I
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and only I
¯
was in charge of my life? Grayson had handed me the perfect opportunity to show him that. Wouldn’t I be something of a fool if I refused to take that opportunity? “Grayson?”

“Hmm?” He had pulled away some, though he still faced me. I regretted that, I wanted him even closer.

“I want you to touch me,” I whispered the words and he went still and silent for so long that I began to doubt he’d heard me.

“You sure?” He swallowed audibly and I could feel him tremble. “Once it’s done, it’s done.”

Why was he so hesitant? Didn’t he want to touch me anymore? “If you’d rather not, I’d understand.”

“I just want you to be certain.” He pressed his lips to mine, softly at first. I opened mine, giving him entrance. His hand ran down my spine, a touch I had grown familiar with. He did that a lot. It then slipped lower, gliding past my bottom, resting against the back of my thigh. He squeezed gently, pulling my leg over his.

I gasped, feeling the strength of his legs so near to my own. He kissed me for several moments, licking, nipping and suckling until I forgot about his hands and what they might do. It was only when he moved to slide my camisole from my shoulder that I broke the kiss. “What are you doing?”

“Shh, I’m just going to touch you, remember?” He kissed me again, but his hands were insistent, lowering first one tiny sleeve then the other. I felt the material fall to my waist and I waited, anxious for what he would then do.

His hand ran first over my shoulder, my neck, slipping into my hair. He always wanted to touch my hair. Then he repeated the pattern, drawing over my shoulder again, and moving to trace my collar bone.

My whole body tensed as I waited, wondering if that hand would ever go lower. My breath hitched as it slowly
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ever so slowly
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drifted downward.

“Do you like that?” His mouth hovered near my neck and as I nodded I felt his hair against my cheek. “There’s more.”

More? I began to whimper. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, what was happening to me. Certainly it was the first I had ever experienced such. I squirmed some under the blankets, unconsciously pulling away from him.

“Shh. It’s all right.” I felt his touch clear down to my belly. “I’m only touching you, remember? You asked me to.”

I nodded, unable to speak. I waited, certain something else must happen next. I wasn’t totally ignorant of what went on between a man and a woman
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I’d been raised on a farm after all. But I hadn’t known it would feel like this.

I startled, certain he hadn’t intend to kiss me
there.
He did it again, with a little more deliberation and I twisted, murmured an incoherent protest. He hushed me again, stroking his fingers along my ribs, slowly, one by one. I said his name, fisting my fingers in his hair. I didn’t know if I wanted to pull him closer or push him away from me.

“That’s enough for now,” he whispered the words. “We’re to stop now.”

“But why?”

“There are consequences to this sort of thing. Have you thought of that?” He pulled the blanket back up to my chin, though he left my chest unclothed. The quilt felt so strange against my sensitized skin. What an odd feeling.

“But...” I tried one more half-hearted protest before stopping. I knew of at least one big consequence that he meant. I didn’t want a babe without a husband.

“Before we go any further with this, I want you to take some time and think on things.” He rolled to his back, pulling me slightly over him. He ran his hand over my back, tangling in my hair. “Tonight we’ll just sleep.”

“But shouldn’t I cover myself?”

“No. Give me this much at least. I’m just a man, not a saint.”

It felt so good I never wanted him to stop and I told him that. He ignored my wishes though, and stopped shortly after.

He woke me several hours into the night as he rose from the bed. “Grayson?”

“Shh. Just closing the window.” He did so, but not before I heard what had awakened him. The soulful sound of an old hymn wafted up from the ground floor.

“Matthew again?” I whispered the question as the soldier returned to the warm bed. I had grown somewhat accustomed to the feel of my naked chest against his side, and I was anxious for him to settle in. “Poor man.”
“Hmm. Go back to sleep.” He ran his fingers over my elbow and I obeyed.

~~~~

The pounding awoke us early the next morning. Grayson threw the blankets at me before hurrying to answer it. I panicked thinking something must be wrong with Rachel or Amelia. It was a moment before it occurred to me what the people on the other side of the door would think seeing me in Grayson’s room, clad only in underclothes and a thin blanket.

He opened the door and I could just see the outline of Matthew. Grayson’s body blocked Matthew’s view.

“The girls are upset. Can’t find their sister. Figured I’d check here before sounding the alarm.” Matthew’s voice was filled with calm tolerance and I relaxed a little. “She with you?”

Grayson nodded, “Tell them she’ll be with them shortly.”

“Excuse me, then,” Matthew backed from the door, “Didn’t mean to intrude.”

Grayson shut the door and turned to me. He lifted my dress from the chair where I’d laid it last night and placed it on the bed. He sank down beside it, grabbing my hand and pulling me into his lap. His hands once again tangled in my hair. “We’ll talk
later.”

I nodded, shamed at my behavior. What would I tell my sisters, Rachel in particular? What did Grayson expect from me?

“We did nothing wrong. We’ve hurt nobody. Remember that.” He kissed me, ran his tongue over my lips. I returned the touch, meeting his tongue with my own. I almost didn’t feel his hand once more caressing my chest. He touched me there for several moments and I let him, not caring that my sisters were waiting. He pulled back, touching my lips softly with one gentle finger. “You’d best dress, your sisters need you.”

I nodded and did as he bid, not even minding that he watched my every move and gesture. He kissed me softly and I clung to him, not wanting to go. He nudged me out the door and then closed it gently.

Rachel and Amelia were dressed when I entered. The little boy still slept and I was careful not to wake him as I set to brushing my hair.

“Where were you? We got scared when you weren’t here.” Amelia glared at me.

“I slept in Grayson’s room. This one was too cramped for all of us.” True, but we had slept in such quarters for the entire time we’d been with our uncle¯why did it suddenly matter now?

“Amelia, why don’t you go on down to the porch, I’m sure Matthew will be there by now.” Rachel gave her a little push and Amelia complied. After she left, Rachel turned to me. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

“No, not really. He only kissed me a little.” I wasn’t going to tell her any more than that, what happened between Grayson and me was private.

“It starts that way, then they up and leave you.” She sounded so bitter and I was momentarily struck silent.

“Grayson’s not like that and it’s my decision. Whatever we decide to do.” I paused, not knowing if it was the right time to tell her. “I’m going with him. Amelia and I, we’re going to Tennessee.”

“Have you been touched by some sort of madness?” Her words reverberated off the walls and the child on the bed began to fuss. She soothed him until he settled. “What do you know
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I mean really know
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of this man?”

“I know he’s a good man. I won’t be staying with him forever. Just until I can get a job, something to provide for Amelia and me. He’s agreed to take us with him. We have nowhere else to go. He has a farm there.” I lifted my chin
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I was not about to change my mind. “He said you are more than welcome to join us if you want.”

She shook her head at me. “I’ll think about it. I can’t stay with Mr. Lofton forever. Not that close to Uncle.”

“Whatever we do, Grayson has agreed to see us settled somewhere. I take him at his word.”

She nodded, though I once again sensed she had lost track of what I was saying. She’d been like that since we’d met her at the station and I knew it was from the grief.

It wasn’t long before a knock sounded and Grayson called through the door. Our train left at eleven a.m. and he wanted us ready to head out in an hour. We were to head for breakfast first then return to the hotel to collect the three horses.

We ate quickly, no one saying much. The boy still hadn’t said anything at all. I felt so bad for the child, I wanted to hold him close and just rock him until he knew he was safe, but he only let Rachel touch him.

We returned to the inn and the men saw to collecting the horses. Sixteen blocks lay between the inn and the station. Rather than having only part of our group ride, the gentlemen chose to walk the horses that distance. It was a chilly walk, the temperature having dropped near on thirty degrees since the day before. I tried to crowd close to Grayson and the General but there was little room. Grayson must have realized I was chilled in my thin dress for he pulled a blanket from the saddle bag and wrapped it around my shoulders before handing one to each of my sisters.

I was so relieved when the depot came into sight. Grayson and Matthew saw to the loading of the horses and led us into our compartment. We’d ride the train as far south as we could. Then we’d hire or purchase a wagon for the remainder of the journey.

Matthew confirmed that his brother’s body was loaded onto the train and we settled into our seats to wait while the remaining passengers boarded. This train held many more people than the one we’d ridden earlier and I couldn’t help but feel fearful and nervous. Many of these passengers were dressed in the blue Federal uniform and I felt constantly on edge.

Grayson remained as silent as possible, speaking only to our party and in whispers. I threaded my fingers through his, ignoring the looks my sisters sent my way. He smiled and raised my hand to his mouth, brushing my knuckles with his lips.

Matthew frowned at him but made no comment. After all, it wasn’t his place. Amelia grinned and looked out the window. Poor thing was crowded onto a bench seat with Grayson and me and it was something of a tight fit.

It wasn’t long before a table was procured from the porter and the men suggested a game of cards. I declined, as did Rachel, though I gave leave for Amelia to join them. What could it hurt? I urged her to trade me seats and get closer to the table. While they played and Rachel and Elias slept, I watched the same farms I’d noticed on our first journey as they passed by. Today, they weren’t bright with spring colors, but were grayed and browned with the last dredges of the horrible winter.

Our stop finally arrived several hours after the dinner meal had been served. Exhaustion weakened my movements, for I hadn’t been able to sleep even a moment on the train. Grayson and Matthew saw to the unloading of the horses and of Gideon’s coffin while we settled onto a bench to wait.

I hopped up, needing a moment or two to myself, just to think. I wandered a handful of yards away, still able to keep them in sight. Grayson soon joined me, inquiring if I were well.

“Just tired,” I told him, “And needing a moment to think, is all.”

“Won’t be long, we’ll find you a bed soon.” He grinned at me, dimples flashing, and I knew he was remembering the last bed I had found myself in.

“Hush. Someone will hear you!” I glanced at my sisters, ensuring they weren’t close enough to overhear his improper comments. They were focused on the boy and paying me and my companion absolutely no interest and I was relieved.

“What? Hear that you are tired? Don’t think they’d care, sure they’re tired, too.” He tried to appear innocent, but it didn’t work on me.

“Where
are
we to sleep tonight?” I truly didn’t care, merely wondered if we would have an opportunity to be alone. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a repeat of last night’s actions, but I would have liked some time to talk with him without everyone else listening in.

“Lofton and I’ll split the cost of a room and we’ll set you and your sisters up in one as well. Can’t really justify having a room to myself tonight. Figure I’d purchase the wagon, seeing as how we’ll need it to get to Tennessee. Trains don’t run that far, and some tracks through Kentucky have been destroyed. Be easier to go in a wagon.”

I nodded, understanding the need. We could sleep in the wagon if we needed to, if hotel rooms weren’t available on our route. “I see.”

“Lofton agreed that if I purchase the wagon, he and his pa will board you, Amelia, and me until we leave. Lofton’s agreed to hide the General, as well. Until we can get him to the ferry and across into Kentucky. Once I get him into Tennessee, we can call him spoils of war. Seems General Lee worked it out to every man getting to keep his horse.”

“That’s wonderful. I didn’t want him to get back to my uncle somehow. He was so cruel to him.” I leaned in to him, wanting to absorb some of his warmth. It had turned bitterly cold and I almost feared it would start snowing.

“How long will it take to bury Gideon? Then get to your farm?” I wasn’t too keen on being just a few fields away from my uncle’s place. But I wanted this settled; I wanted to get myself and Amelia
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even Rachel
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someplace where we could see about getting on with the rest of our lives. I hated this waiting, this intermittent step.

We settled into our rooms, larger than that we’d occupied in Indianapolis, and I was grateful for this small thing. Grayson had pointed out our route to Amelia and I on the big map at the train station we’d arrived in. We were following a much more direct path than the one we’d first taken. That direction had followed the small Blue River until near on reaching Hardinsburg. Then we’d headed northerly before catching the train that had carried us into Indianapolis. I was so thankful that our journey would take only a fraction of the time for I was growing quite weary of traveling.

The next several days though, would be spent on Lofton’s farm. Seeing to the burial of my brother-in-law and to the planning of our further journey would prove to be a trying time, for all of us.