Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (31 page)

Romantic jealousy, with all the emotional and physical turmoil it generates, provides people with an opportunity to examine their relationship without extra effort. To put it another way: People who have already suffered the pains of jealousy should not waste the opportunity to learn something valuable about themselves and about the relationship. The jealousy can serve as a guide in examining such questions as: "What does this experience tell me about myself? What does it tell ►ne about my partner and our relationship?" Examination of this sort is most productive if followed by more action-oriented questions such as: "Is this the kind of relationship I want for myself?" And if the answer is no, "What can I do to change things?"

Jealousy Teaches People Not to Take Each Other for Granted

Romantic love is not an eternal flame. If fuel is not added to it, sooner or later the flame will burn out.2 When people first fall in love and their love is reciprocated, they feel fortunate to have such a won- dcrfi►I person return their love. When they are not sure whether or not their love is reciprocated, insecurity and doubt intensify their emotions. They are ready to (10 anything to have this wonderful person love them back. Yet all too often, when they feel assured of their partner's love and commitment, they start to take this love for granted. They make demands they would not have made during the courtship stage, and would never make of other people. Their partner becomes the person in their life who is "supposed" to understand their work pressures, their all-absorbing involvement with their children, with their friends, with community work. "Who else can I expect to understand and be supportive if not my partner?" they ask self-righteously. Dealing with continuous stress at work, with children, with a parent, or with voluntary activities in effect gives these concerns a higher priority than the relationship. No romantic relationship can withstand this kind of assault for long. Taking each other for granted erodes love.

Paradoxically, the threat of involvement with a third person stops this overinvolvement with people outside the relationship and brings the focus back to the couple. Suddenly people's security in their partner's love and commitment is shaken, as they wonder once again: "Does he Ishel love me? Does he [steel not?"

Jealousy Is a Sign of Love

Whether or not romantic jealousy is seen as a sign of love varies in different (allures and different periods of history. Therefore, whether or not people agree with the statement at the head of this section tends to be influenced by the norms of their culture. Yet even people who don't see jealousy as a sign of love may still respond with jealousy when they perceive a threat to a valued romantic relationship. In this way (as noted in chapter one), jealousy is the shadow of love.

Contrary to the people who believe that "There's more self-love than love in jealous," or 'Jealousy is caused by possessiveness and by a sense of inferiority, not by love," I would argue that even if selflove, possessiveness, and inferiority are a part of jealousy, couples can deal with these feelings more effectively if they focus on love. A person who is on the receiving end of a partner's jealousy and is convinced that the jealousy results from the partner's possessiveness or inferiority complex can do little to change things. But if, instead, the person sees the jealousy as a sign of love, related to the things both partners found most attractive about each other initially, that person is more likely to realize that jealousy is part of a dynamic in the relationship to which both partners contribute, and that both partners can work to change. As noted earlier, viewing jealousy as a response to a perceived threat to a valued love relationship, or to its quality, eliminates guilt and blame and frees energy for more constructive coping.

Jealousy Is an Instrument for Inducing Commitment

When Gary reached 40, he felt that he had only a limited number of erections left. With this in mind, he wanted to enjoy as many of those erections as possible. Although he was happy in his marriage of' fifteen years to Sara, he wanted the freedom to experience other women sexually. Since he saw himself as an enlightened and liberated man, he was happy to allow Sara to have sex with other men, too. Sara was not at all interested in an open marriage and was jealous of every woman she thought Gary might be interested in. "When I walk down the street and I see these young, beautiful women, I panic," she said. But since she felt she had to be as enlightened and liberated as Gary was, she accepted his extramarital sexual liaisons.

Many months later, after much hesitation on her part and encouragement on Gary's part, she agreed to spend a weekend with an attractive male friend whom she had dated in her college years. The weekend turned out to be a very positive experience for Sara. But to her (and his) great surprise, hearing that, Gary "freaked out" Sara described the strange experience: "He started following me around the house like a puppy, begging me to assure him that I love him and would not leave him for that man" to her great relief he no longer wanted an open marriage.

A similar process often happens to people, most often men, who fear commitments.' A jealousy crisis, which makes the person aware of a competitor for his partner and the chance of' losing the relationship, can become the trigger that induces commitment. This might also explain why women try to induce jealousy more often than men (lo.

Jealousy Intensifies Emotions

As Gary discovered, jealousy makes one's partner look more desirable. At times this happens because, like the children we all were once, we find the toy we ourselves have neglected to be more interesting when someone else shows an interest in it. At other times people's fear of losing what they have come to take for granted makes them realize just how desirable it is. All ofa sudden they notice the wonderful qualities that made them fall in love with their partner.

Jealousy can bring excitement to listless relationships. In the midst Of 'd major jealousy crisis, one thing people never complain about is boredom. They may talk about the pain of the experience, they may say it is infuriating, they may say it's humiliating-hut they never say it's boring. And where there is emotional energy, there is an exciting occasion for growth. The intense emotions serve as fuel for the exploration. Most people would probably never do so much self-examination if they were not in the midst of an emotional turmoil.

People who are willing to explore their intense emotions, positive as well as negative, may even discover that jealousy can make life more passionate and interesting. As swingers know from their experience with sexual mate exchange, a sting of jealousy, if interpreted positively as a tease, can make couples sexually excited about each other. The sphere in which all these positive effects can be seen most clearly is sex.

Jealousy Adds Passion to Sex

Despite the great pain most people associate with jealousy, it sometimes has a positive effect on the quality of their sex lives. Ben and Stacy's story is a good example.

I met Ben and Stacy at an intensive five-day jealousy workshops I lead.` Ben was fifteen years older than Stacy. They had met as boss and employee, and Stacy continued to adore Ben and treat him as a mentor. Ben had been divorced for over five years when they became romantically involved. Before that, he had been married for many years, and was monogamous the entire time. When he became single again, Ben wanted to make up for things lie had missed in his youth (he married young), so he had many affairs.

Stacy had had several boyfriends prior to her romantic involvement with Ben, but she was still a virgin when they met. The difference between them in age and sexual experience created problems in the relationship. The main problem, from Ben's point of view, was that sex had become boring. While he still loved Stacy, was flattered that such a young and beautiful woman was in love with him, and was committed to the relationship, her "lack of experience" made their sex life "unexciting" Ben wanted to be able to see some of his former girlfriends and have sex with them. I-fe encouraged Stacy to get sexually involved with other men, which he said would be good for her and for their relationship. "It would help her become more experienced and sexually sophisticated," he argued.

Stacy, for her part, was very jealous of Ben's former girlfriends and felt inferior to them. Although she was extremely attractive and had ample opportunities to (late other men, she would have been happiest in a monogamous relationship with Ben. It was painful for her to realize that sex with her was not enough for him.

During the first days of the workshop, Ben brought Stacy's jealousy and insecurity to the group's attention on several occasions. On all these occasions he presented himself as understanding of"Stacy's problem," while he flirted openly with other women in the group. Then something happened that changed things dramatically.

Following a particularly intense session, in which one of the men in the group accused Stacy of being cold and emotionally unresponsive, Stacy broke down in (cars. The group responded to her tears with understanding and support and gave her very warm feedback. The man who initially attacked her-one of the more attractive men in the group-sat next to her, hugged her, and stroked her back.

The man had indicated his attraction to Stacy several times before, without a response from her. This was the real reason for his earlier attack and accusation of her "coldness" Now he was extremely sorry for the pain he had caused her, and was doing his best to comfort her. He was still hugging her and stroking her back when the session was over and the rest of the group, including Ben, left the room.

His comforting gradually became more sexual. They both were emotionally aroused by the events that had taken place in the session, and physically aroused by their close contact. Their stroking and kissing became more passionate. Eventually they made love, right there on the carpet. Since they hadn't planned it, neither of them used contraceptives.

Ben was furious. Ile had seen Stacy and the man becoming physical with each other, and became extremely jealous. "How could you do this to me?" he demanded. The focus of his anger (so he claimed) was not that Stacy had sex with another man, which was what he had said all along that he wanted her to do. Rather, lie objected to her carelessness about contraception. "You hurt me more than any other woman has ever done" he said accusingly, "and I trusted you to protect my feelings."

Stacy, tears rolling clown her checks, said that she'd never intended to hurt Ben's feelings. Nevertheless, she was stubborn in her insistence that she was not sorry for what she had done, and that it had been a wonderful experience.

While processing the experience with Ben and Stacy, helping him examine his jealousy and her conflicting feelings, I asked them whether anything positive had come out of the incident. I was not surprised to hear Ben say, with great amazement, "When we made love afterward, it was the most passionate sex we ever had. It was unbelievably intense and exciting. I can't figure whyy" Stacy, still crying, nodded in agreement.

The reason their sex was so exciting was that it happened in the intensely emotional context of a jealousy crisis. For both Ben and Stacy, the security of it committed relationship had been shaken. their perception of themselves and of each other suddenly changed. Ben, who until that time considered himself a "nonjealous" person, experienced intense jealousy marked by anger, envy, rivalry, betrayal, fear of loss, and feelings of exclusion. Stacy, who until that time perceived herself as the one with the "jealousy problem," felt not only empathy for Ben's pain but also a new, powerful, and exciting experience of being desired by two attractive men.

Ben and Stacy's story is not unusual. I have seen many similar cases in which one partner (usually the man) pushed to open the relationship because sex had become boring, but who responded with great shock and jealousy when the other partner actually became involved with someone else. To the surprise of both partners, the painful shock and the intense jealousy it generated helped revive the sexual passion in the relationship. Passionate sex depends on emotional arousal, and jealousy, as we well know, can be extremely arousing emotionally.

Jealousy doesn't always result in passionate sex, however. The jealous person may be terrified at the prospect of losing the relationship, and anxiety is the antithesis of passion. This tends to happen when jealousy is a chronic problem in the relationship.

When a relationship has strong roots of trust and security, a temporary jealousy crisis can serve as a reminder to both partners of how important they arc to each other. For couples who take each other for granted, or whose relationship has become boring and listless, jealousy can restore the relationship as the number-one priority. Even if these changes are associated with the negative side of jealousy, they can intensify feelings between partners, and thus enhance the experience of sex.

On the other hand, when jealousy is a lasting problem, it threatens the fabric of security and trust at the foundation of a relationship. An example is a marriage in which the husband says he loves his wife, yet continues to have extramarital affairs. The wife responds to the affairs with jealous tantrums, yet remains in the marriage. The best thing that can result from this type Of a jealousy problem is an occasion to examine the relationship and the role each partner plays in it: Why did she choose to marry someone who is interested in other people? Why is he staying in a relationship that doesn't satisfy his needs? Does the marriage satisfy other needs (for example, a need for continuous drama)? This kind of self-examination is most beneficial if it leads to constructive action. The important question to address is: What can be clone to change things?