RoomHate (9 page)

Justin’s dad looked over at him worriedly. Meanwhile, Justin’s face was practically white.

When Mr. Banks hesitated to let me in, I pushed my way past him. “I just need my jacket.” After entering the dining room, I spotted my sweatshirt hanging on the chair. Something else caught my eye: my mother’s faux fur coat.

What was she doing here?

It didn’t take me long to figure it out. Storming upstairs, I knew exactly where I was going to find her. I burst through Justin’s parents’ bedroom to find my mother frantically trying to put on her clothes.

Covering my mouth with my hand, I shook my head in disbelief before running back down the stairs and out the front door.

Justin ran after me. “Patch, wait. Please!”

I turned around and spewed, “You knew about this?” You KNEW that my mother was here messing around with your father? How long has this been going on?”

“I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“I can’t believe this!”

“I’m sorry, Patch. I’m so sorry.”

I ran back into my house and slammed the door, unsure of what hurt more: my mother’s actions or Justin’s keeping it all from me.

The hurt in his eyes was palpable. Justin leaned his head back against the couch as I struggled to find the words.

“It was wrong of me to take my anger out on you. My mother was basically an irresponsible child, a selfish person. She’d had so many different boyfriends, affairs with married men. It never really surprised me that she would stoop to that level with your father. At the time, though, I just felt betrayed by everyone, including you. But I was wrong to punish you in any way for their actions.”

He rubbed his eyes warily and turned to me. “What do you want to know, Amelia?”

“How did it start? How long did you know about them?”

He turned his body toward me and wrapped his arm around the back of the couch. “I’m pretty sure my father was the one who pursued her. He used to always ask me questions about Patricia before they got together.”

“Really?”

“What I know now that I didn’t know then was that my parents had an open marriage. My mother went on way too many
business trips
, if you know what I mean. At the time, though, I hadn’t figured it all out yet. I came home from school unexpectedly early one day and found your mother there with him. I walked in on them having sex.”

I shuddered. “Oh my God.”

Justin grabbed his beer and took a long swig. “My father sat me down later that night and explained to me that he believed my mother had been having an affair too, and that he and Patricia had just started seeing each other. Your mother made me swear not to tell you. She said you wouldn’t be able to handle it, that your relationship with her was already tarnished enough and that you were under a lot of stress that I didn’t know about. She somehow convinced me that telling you would ruin your life. She told me if I really cared about you, I wouldn’t tell you. I believed what she told me.”

“There was nothing I ever kept from you, Justin. There was nothing going on with me. She was manipulating you to keep her antics a secret from me.”

“I wanted to tell you, but the more time that passed, the harder it was to admit that I’d been keeping something from you for so long. So, I chose not to say anything. I was only trying to protect you.”

“Justin, I—”

“Let me finish,” he interrupted.

“Okay.”

“We both came from broken homes, but from the moment I met you, my world seemed a little less broken. I always felt like my job was to somehow protect you. And my keeping what they were doing from you was only an extension of that. It wasn’t meant to be deceptive.”

I get it now.

There was so much I was embarrassed to admit in regards to my feelings all those years ago, but I couldn’t hold anything back. He was giving me this one chance to explain myself. Taking a long gulp of my wine, I prepared to lay it all out on the line.

“I ran away because I couldn’t handle my emotions. It was more than just your keeping that secret from me. It was what it represented to me, that there would be other things in the future that you would keep from me, too.” I paused.
Just say it.
“I was developing really strong feelings for you that went beyond our friendship, and I found myself unable to handle them. I didn’t know how to tell you. I was afraid to scare you away. It just felt like I was somehow destined to get hurt, so I chose to move away before that happened. It was my own way of controlling it. It was rash and foolish.”

That was the first time I had ever admitted to having feelings beyond friendship for him.

He just looked at me for a bit then said, “Why didn’t you tell me how you felt, even before everything went down with our parents?”

“I didn’t think you felt the same way about me, and I didn’t want to freak you out. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“So, you ran away and lost me anyway. How did that make sense?”

“It somehow felt like if I left before the worst happened, it wouldn’t hurt as badly. The bottom line, though, is that I was a dumb, hormonal, fifteen-year-old girl. It was the wrong decision. Running away to live with my father was a bad way of handling it. You never gave me the time of day to tell you how sorry I was once I came to my senses that following year. So, I need to say it now. I am so sorry if my leaving like that hurt you in any way.”

“Hurt me?” He let out a slight angry laugh then shocked me with what he said next. “It
changed me.
I loved you, Amelia. I was
in love
with you.” Justin ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “How the fuck did you not know that?”

His words felt like they’d sliced through my heart, leaving me unable to respond. I never in a million years expected him to say that. I knew he cared about me, but I never knew he had loved me like I loved him.

He had loved me?

He continued, “I would have died for you back then. When you left, it felt like my world ended. Besides your grandmother, you were the only one I could count on. You were always there…until you weren’t anymore. Losing you taught me not to count on anyone but myself. It shaped who am I today…and that’s not necessarily a good thing.”

It hurt so badly to hear him say that. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize again; you already did.”

“If you don’t forgive me, then I do need to keep repeating it.”

He let out a long, deep breath. “Like I’ve said to you before, I’ve moved on from it.”

I didn’t want him to move on. I wanted to go backwards, back in time and hug him. Never let him go.

Still reeling from his admission, I dug my nails into the back of the couch and said, “I don’t want us to be virtual strangers. You still mean so much to me. The fact that you’re angry at me won’t change that.”

“What do you want from me?”

“I want us to try to be friends again. I want us to be able to sit in the same room and talk to each other, maybe have a few laughs. We’re gonna always own this house together in any case. Someday, we’ll be bringing children here. We need to get along.”

“I am not gonna have children,” he said emphatically.

The fact that Jade had confided in me about Justin’s not wanting kids had skipped my mind.

“Jade told me.”

“She did, did she? What else did you talk about? My dick size? You tell her you got a good look at it?”

I chose not to entertain the quip and stayed with the subject at hand. “Why don’t you want children, Justin?”

“You of all people should understand that it’s asinine to bring a child into this world if you’re not one-hundred percent sure of your capabilities. My parents are a prime example of people who should have never procreated.”

“You’re not your parents.”

“No, but I’m a fucked-up product of their mistakes, and I’m not gonna repeat history.”

It made me immensely sad that he felt that way. Thinking back to how protective he always was of me, I knew Justin would make an amazing father. He just couldn’t see that. Knowing that I had promised we wouldn’t rehash the past beyond tonight, an urgent need to get more off my chest overtook me.

“I beg to differ. I think that you are so much stronger as a person because you had to grow up a lot quicker than kids who were coddled and handed everything easily. You’ve given to others what your parents neglected to give you. I’ll never forget how you always managed to make me laugh even when it seemed impossible, how you always knew exactly what I needed, how you always protected me. Those are the qualities that would make someone a good parent. And whether you have children or not, you are an amazing human being. Not only that, your musical talent completely blows me away. It makes me so sad to think of everything that I missed because of my stupidity and fear. I know we’ve both changed somewhat, but I still see all the good in you even when you are trying so hard to hide behind a mask.” My eyes started to water, and a teardrop fell. “I miss you, Justin.” It felt like everything had just come pouring out of me before I could think about the consequences of being so open about my feelings.

He startled me when he reached over and swiped a teardrop from my cheek with his thumb, prompting me to close my eyes. His touch felt so good.

“I think we’ve talked enough for tonight,” he said.

Nodding, I said, “Okay.”

He lifted himself off the couch and turned off the television. “Come on. Let’s get some air.”

I followed his lead out the front door and down to the beach. We walked in silence for what seemed like an eternity. The night was still except for the sound of the waves crashing. The ocean breeze was calming, and as strange as it was, the silence between us seemed like a therapeutic exercise of some kind. It felt as though a huge weight had been lifted because I’d gotten to say what I wanted to. Even though there wasn’t really a clear conclusion to our conflict, it was more closure than I’d ever had with him.

The sound of Justin’s phone interrupted the quiet of our walk. He picked it up.

“Hey, babe.”

“Everything is good.”

“That’s great. Wow. It’s really happening.”

“Just taking a walk.”

I found it interesting that he didn’t mention he was with me.

“Me too. Can’t wait.”

“I love you, too.”

“Alright. Bye.”

After he hung up, I looked at him. “How’s Jade?”

“She’s good. She’s going to get to perform tomorrow night because the lead’s grandfather died.”

“Wow. That’s amazing. Well, not that the grandfather died…”

“Yeah. I got that.”

Not another word was spoken until we started to approach the house.

Justin pointed to something in the distance. “Do you see that?”

“Where?”

The next thing I knew I felt weightless. Justin had lifted me off my feet and was running toward the shore. Judging from his laughter, there was nothing to point out; he’d just been trying to distract me long enough to snatch me up.

Jerk.

He dumped my fully clothed body into the ocean. Salty water ran down my throat and up my nose. Justin immediately ran back to the sand, leaving me to wade through the water after him. He’d planted himself on the sand and was still laughing. He’d taken off his shirt which had gotten wet, and his pants were soaked.

“Do you feel better now?” I huffed.

“A little.” He chuckled. “Actually…a lot.”

“Well…good. I’m glad for you,” I said, wringing out my dress.

He stood up. “Let me.” Justin surprised me when he stood behind me and twisted my long hair to help get the water out. His hands lingered for a few seconds, causing my nipples to tingle. I turned around to distract from it and was met by his blue eyes staring into mine. They were glowing in the reflection of the light coming from our house. He looked heartbreakingly handsome.

Fumbling my words a bit, I said, “Um…thank you. Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be thanking you, because you caused it.”

“It was a long time coming. I’d wanted to throw you in the water since the first day I got here.”

“Oh really…”

“Yeah. Really.” He smiled mischievously.

“By the way, why are you still here?”

He squinted. “What do you mean?”

“You could have easily gone back to New York with Jade. You know that.”

“Are you implying something?”

“I’m not implying anything. I just know that you’ve been using the Sandy’s gig as the reason, and I find that hard to believe.”

“What do you want to hear, Amelia…that I’m here because of you?”

“No…I don’t know. I—”

“I don’t know why I’m here. Alright? That’s the truth. It just didn’t feel like it was time to leave.”

“Fair enough.”

“Are you done interrogating me for one night…pain in my ass?”

“Yes.” I smiled. “Payne in my ass” was another name he used to call me. It was a play on my last name—Payne.