Ruined (21 page)

She pressed her lips together, sadness stamped across her features so suddenly that Cas wanted to take his last words and stuff them back in his mouth. “Agreed.” She cleared her throat. “But can I explain something?”

He sort of shrugged, unwilling to give her permission but too curious to stop her.

“None of this was ever about you,” she said quietly. “I'm sorry I used you. You—”

“You had to marry me, but it wasn't about me?” he interrupted.

“You know what I mean. I'm sorry I had to hurt you to—”

“You didn't hurt me,” he snapped. “You hurt my kingdom.”

She rubbed a finger across her necklace, her eyes on the ground.

He wanted to ask her why she hadn't warned him about the attack. He wanted to ask if he was a complete idiot to think she'd developed feelings for him, despite everything. He wanted to know how she could leave him to die if she actually cared for him.

He couldn't find the words to ask. Maybe he didn't want to know the answer.

“I was trying to leave as soon as possible,” she said, her voice wavering the smallest bit. “I would have been gone in a matter of days if it weren't for that painting.”

He shot her a furious look. “Is it supposed to make me feel better that you were miserable and trying to escape?”

“That's not what I meant.”

“I know what you meant.”

“No, you don't!” Her voice rose. “I thought you'd be the same as your father. I didn't expect you to be . . . to be . . .”

She twisted her hands together, her brow furrowing. His breath hitched in his chest. Every part of him was waiting, hoping, praying she was about to say she'd fallen in love with him. To confess that her feelings had been real and she wasn't just pretending in order to get information out of him.

He almost laughed out loud at his pathetic state. Was he really hoping that a girl who had conspired to ruin his kingdom was actually in love with him?

“Well?” he asked, as the silence continued. “You didn't expect me to be what? Gullible? Stupid?”

“Kind!” she practically yelled. “Reasonable! Thoughtful!” She hurled the words at him like they were insults, and he wasn't sure how to react.

She whirled around and resumed walking without waiting for a response. He hesitated for a moment, letting the words sink in.

Kind, reasonable, thoughtful.
It wasn't
love
or an admission of wild, passionate feelings, but he realized he liked her three words more.
Love
would have been easy, another easy lie in a long line of lies.
Love
would be easy to dismiss.

But
kind, reasonable, thoughtful
couldn't be brushed off. They wriggled in and made themselves at home and breathed air in between the ache in his chest.

CAS HAD SAID
nothing to Em since she'd stupidly told him he was kind. And
reasonable
. Did anyone like being called
reasonable
? She wouldn't blame him if he hated her even more now.

She'd noticed he'd learned to step carefully and cover their tracks without her having to explain. He might have been ignoring her, but he was clearly taking mental notes about everything she was doing.

They were still fairly close to Gallego City, and small wooden homes dotted the river. It didn't seem like the warriors had expanded past the city, but they walked carefully, both her and Cas's hands constantly poised over their swords.

“There.” Cas pointed to a nearby home, with a dock
stretching out into the river. A small rowboat was tied to a post on the dock.

She looked out at the sun, which had almost fully disappeared. She'd been skeptical about the boat when he mentioned it, because they'd be easily spotted on the river in daylight. But the warriors would be less likely to spot them at night. And they wouldn't have to worry about leaving a trail.

Cas walked to the river and she followed, casting a glance over her shoulder as they reached the dock.

He crouched down next to the metal loop that the boat was tied to and tugged at it. “Get in,” he said to her as he worked on the rope.

She carefully stepped into the boat, keeping her hand on the dock as the boat tilted beneath her. “Is now the wrong time to mention that I've never rowed a boat?”

Cas smiled, cocking one eyebrow. “Seriously?”

His smile knocked her even further off balance, and she had to take a moment to steady her feet on the boat. “There aren't a lot of rivers in Ruina. And we traveled by foot in Vallos because the hunters always congregated at the rivers.”

“See those hooks right there?” he asked, pointing. She nodded. “Put the oars through those.”

She grabbed the oars and sat down.

“And you're definitely facing the wrong way.” One side of his mouth turned up as she felt her cheeks flush. She wasn't sure if she was blushing because of his adorable amused expression, or because she was embarrassed to not know what she was doing.

“Hey!” The scream made both of them whirl around, and Em saw a guy standing in the doorway of his house. He took off toward them.

Em spun around and stuck the oars through the loops, keeping a tight grip on them. Cas yanked the rope free and tossed it away.

The man tore across the grass, his face furious.

“Move,” Cas said to her as he hopped into the boat. She did as instructed, handing him the oars. He leaned back, moving the oars over the water, and they pulled away from the dock.

The man pounded onto the dock and seemed to seriously consider jumping in. But Cas rowed quickly, smoothly, and had put a good distance between them and the dock within seconds.

“I'm sorry!” Cas yelled at him, and Em pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. He caught her expression and laughed. “What? I am.”

“First time you've ever stolen something?” she asked.

He cocked his head. “Yes. Unless you count all the fig tarts I've stolen from the kitchen.”

“Those fig tarts technically belong to you, so no, I don't count them.”

He began to smile wider, but the grin abruptly disappeared. The familiar lump settled back into her throat. One minute of the old Cas was even more painful now that she knew that he would never smile at her like he used to.

“What was the first thing you stole?” he asked.

His smile was gone, but he hadn't said the words like he was
picking a fight. He squinted at the water, leaning backward and forward as he moved the oars.

“Food,” she said, after considering for a moment. “A few weeks after my father died. Me and Damian and Aren had gone on the run to Vallos, and none of us were experienced hunters. I was starving and this woman had dried beans sticking out of her bag. I swiped them and we ate for several days.”

“Did you feel guilty?”

“Not at the time, no. I didn't really feel anything except rage then. Thinking back now, I wonder if she'd intended to eat that for several days as well.”

He nodded, still staring at the water. She didn't know what that nod meant, and he didn't offer a response, so she kept her mouth shut.

“And you really don't have any Ruined power?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No.”

“Did your mother intend for you to inherit the throne?” he asked.

“No, Olivia was next in line. I was supposed to be her closest adviser.” She ran her fingertips over the water. “I was fine with it.”

“Really.” He lifted his eyebrows.

“Yes. She's even more powerful than our mother was. Our people shouldn't have denied me the throne after Olivia was taken, but I never disputed that she should have been the one to rule if she'd been there.”

“Ruined power is the only thing that matters when inheriting the throne?” he asked skeptically.

She shrugged. “It's no more arbitrary than the firstborn inheriting.”

“I guess.” He looked at her for the first time since they'd started the conversation. “Was your mother disappointed?”

Em shook her head. “No. She thought I had other powers. Nonmagical ones, I mean.”

“Like what?”

“She said my strengths were being rational and calm. The ability to make people fear me. She said I inherited that from her. She had big plans for me, apparently. Leading armies and working as an extraction specialist.”

“An extraction specialist,” Cas repeated.

“Extracting information from people,” she said. Her guts twisted, and she had to look away from him. Would her mother have given her a choice? Or would that have been her job, whether she liked it or not?

“My father always said that
extraction
was Wenda's specialty,” Cas said, his tone betraying a hint of bitterness.

Em stared at the water, wishing he hadn't asked about her mother.

“He said her torture methods were unlike anything he'd ever seen. It was one of the reasons he had to invade.”

“And was that also why he took Olivia?” she snapped.

“Maybe he feared that her daughters were going to turn out exactly like her, considering she was already preparing one of them for a career in torture.” His voice rose, the oars moving faster.

“I can think of worse things than turning out like my mother!” As soon as the yell left her mouth she regretted it, but the anger swirled inside of her too violently to back down.

“I can't think of
anything
worse, actually,” he spat. “She tortured people for fun—”

“Your father just tortured one of my best friends!” she interrupted.

“And your mother would have tortured every person in Lera if given the chance!”

“Well, she wasn't given the chance, was she?” Em shouted.

“And maybe that's not such a bad thing,” Cas said tightly.

“Lovely. Please go on about how you think it's so great that my mother is dead.”

“Really. You're telling me that you aren't celebrating that my father is dead.”

She pressed her lips together. He had her there. Lera—and the rest of the kingdoms—were much better off without him.

And maybe she could understand why Cas felt that way about her mother.

“Perhaps we should just both agree that both our parents were horrible people,” Cas said drily.

She let out a startled laugh. Cas cocked one eyebrow at that reaction, and she felt a fresh wave of almost hysterical laughter bubbling to the surface. She leaned over her knees, her giggles echoing across the river, and she clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle them.

She caught a glimpse of Cas's stony face, and she knew the
laughter was going to dissolve into tears. The ache of keeping them in pushed at her throat, and her attempts to force the tears away were entirely unsuccessful. They spilled down her cheeks. She pressed her forehead to the tops of her knees.

“Are you
crying
?” Cas asked, like it was the first time he'd ever seen anyone do it.

She didn't want to admit it out loud, so she remained silent and tried not to let her shoulders shake.

“You've lied to me, attempted to destroy my kingdom, basically killed my father, and now you're
crying
?”

She sniffled. The boat tilted slightly, and she peeked up to see him scanning the area, holding the oars out of the water.

“I . . . I can't even go anywhere,” he said. “I'm stuck on this boat with you, watching you cry.”

She wrapped her arms around her legs as she tried to get ahold of herself.

“It's been a bad few days,” she mumbled.

He was quiet for several seconds. When he finally spoke, his voice was softer, calm. “It really has.”

Em woke to Cas yelling her name.

She jerked awake, her brain cloudy and her body stiff. She'd fallen into a deep sleep, and it took several seconds to pull herself out of it.

When the fog cleared, she realized the boat was going very, very fast.

And the noise . . . what was that?

She whipped her head around, squinting in the dim, early morning sun. A waterfall. It was still too dark to see it, but from the speed they were going, they must be rapidly approaching it.

Cas grabbed her hand, the boat lurching dangerously to the right. “Get out of the boat!” he yelled. “We're going over—”

His sentence ended in a gasp as the boat tilted down.

She lost Cas's hand as the water swallowed them both.

CAS GASPED AS
he surfaced from the water. His entire body stung from the impact, but he hadn't hit anything solid.

He couldn't say the same for the boat, however. Pieces of wood bobbed on the dark river.

Em was nowhere to be seen.

“Em?” He splashed in a circle, desperately squinting in the darkness. “Em!”

He didn't see her. His chest started to tighten, panic creeping in. What if he lost her like this? What if, after everything, he lost her going over a stupid waterfall?

“Cas!”
Her yell came from behind him, and he whipped around and swam toward it as fast as he could.

He heard her breathing before he saw her. Em's head barely
bobbed above the surface, and she sucked in air before disappearing under. She resurfaced a second later.

He reached for her, his fingers finding her under the water. He tried to tug her up, but her body resisted.

“It's . . . stuck,” she gasped, her arms flailing. “My foot is stuck.”

“Which foot?”

“The left one.” Her face disappeared underneath the water for a moment, and she spit out water when she surfaced.

He took in a deep breath and dove down. It was too dark to see anything, so he had to feel his way down her leg. At her foot he felt something slimy and stringy wrapped around it. He tugged at it, but it didn't budge.

His lungs burned and he kicked to the surface, sucking in a deep breath. “I've almost got it,” he said. “Try to stay still.”

She nodded and he dove back under, grabbing her leg. He yanked on the vine as hard as he could. It finally released Em's leg.

He swam back up, his hands finding her waist. She was shaking, and she immediately clung to him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

He circled one arm around her waist, using the other to keep them afloat. “It's all right,” he said softly.

“Thank you,” she said, lowering her face into his shoulder.

“You're welcome.”

For a moment the only noise was the water rushing and Em breathing against him, and he realized that he wasn't supposed
to be saving her. If he'd been thinking clearly, he might have remembered that he hated her. He should have been ordering her execution, not saving her life.

His last thought hit him like a blow to the head, and his stomach lurched. Was he really going to order her execution? Stand by and watch a soldier chop off her head, the way his father had with Damian?

No.
The answer came immediately. He cleared his throat and tried to think more sensibly. If she were standing in front of him, being judged by Lera law, of course she would have to be executed. There was no other option.

Still, he couldn't imagine giving that order.

He held her tighter. He would save her again, and again, no matter how angry he was with her.

“Can you swim?” he asked quietly.

She nodded, and his fingers brushed against her arm beneath the water as she untangled herself from him. She swam slowly, and Cas stayed next to her until they reached the riverbank. He grabbed onto his sword as he left the water, relieved it hadn't been lost.

Her dress clung to every curve of her body as she walked out of the water, and he tried to avert his eyes, but he found it hard to focus on anything but her. She turned and met his gaze. Something in his expression must have given him away, because a blush crept up her cheeks.

She wouldn't look at him like that if she didn't have feelings for him. He was almost sure of it, but the tiny sliver of doubt
made him want to scream.

“I think I need a moment to rest.” She clumsily plopped to the ground.

His anger disappeared almost as soon as it had come, leaving nothing but an ache in his chest. He wanted to scoop her into his arms and tell her everything would be fine.

“I'm going to see if there's some fruit nearby,” he said, spinning on his heel so he wouldn't have to look at her anymore. Was he really that pathetic? Was he really still harboring feelings for her, after all she'd done?

Yes. He definitely was.

Cas returned from the jungle with a few round yellow fruits. His cheeks and the bridge of his nose were a bit pink from the sun, and it made him even cuter, if that was possible. And he'd taken his shirt off and slung it over his shoulder. Em found herself staring at one particular drop of water making a journey from the base of his throat down the center of his chest. She watched as it rolled down, sliding across his skin and disappearing into the ridges of his abdominals. She had never wanted to be a drop of water so badly.

He cut open the fruit with his sword and handed it to her. They scooped out the sweet fruit with their fingers and ate it in silence.

He caught her staring and she quickly looked away. He wasn't acting like he hated her anymore, and it was almost worse. It was easier not to stare at him, not to dream about his arms around
her, when he was glaring at her like she was his worst enemy.

“Are you ready to get going?” she asked, getting to her feet. Her dress was still wet, but it kept her cool in the warm jungle, and she didn't think she'd mind as the sun continued to rise. Cas put his shirt back on, though it had turned see-through when it got wet and didn't hide much.

They trudged into the trees. Her body was heavy with hunger and exhaustion, and her pace was much slower than it had been the day before. Cas didn't seem eager to go faster. He stayed right next to her, his gaze on the ground.

The sun rose higher in the sky, and she caught him watching her often. She recognized that he was working his way through something, trying to find the words, and she waited patiently.

Finally, he opened his mouth and asked a quiet question: “Why did you look so terrified on our wedding day?”

She couldn't keep the surprise out of her voice. “What?”

“On our wedding day. You were terrified. I'd thought it was because Mary didn't know me, because she was nervous about marrying a stranger. But you'd planned everything. Why were you nervous?”

She grasped her necklace tightly. “I was still marrying a stranger, even if I had orchestrated it all. I didn't know how to act or what to say. I was terrified about that night, because I've never . . .”

“Oh.”

“Thank you for that, by the way. It was very nice of you not to assume I'd be ready to sleep with you right away.”

“You were a stranger as well, and I didn't particularly look forward to my first time happening because my parents declared it.”

A smile tugged on her lips. “Good point.”

“Did you ever consider telling me who you really were?” he asked. “We talked about the Ruined often. You knew I had different opinions than my father. Did you ever consider what I would have done if you'd told me?”

“Every day,” she said quietly, immediately. “Especially after you tried to save Damian. I wondered what your reaction would be.”

“But you didn't.”

“No.” She paused. “What would you have done?”

He pulled on his fingers, cracking the knuckles. “I don't know. Maybe I would have been able to listen to you.” He shook his head. “Maybe not. I got really angry when my mother showed me that painting. But it could have been different, coming from you.”

“I'm sorry, Cas.” Her voice was strained, and he couldn't help but believe that she said the words with sincerity. “I'll be sorry for the rest of my life about what I did to you.”

“And when I . . .” He trailed off before finishing the question.

“And when you what?”

He cleared his throat. “Nothing.”

“You can ask me anything, Cas. I'll answer you honestly.”

He let out a hollow laugh, kicking a rock. “Honestly, huh?”

She swallowed as she watched the rock dart across the dirt.
She deserved that, but she still wanted to yell at him that she had been honest about plenty of things.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets, his eyebrows knitted together. He grabbed her arm, bringing them both to a stop.

“Did you care about me at all? Because you acted like you cared about me, and then you just left me there to die.” His voice shook. “You didn't even try to warn me.”

She opened her mouth, but only a strange sound came out. He was right, of course.

“Or am I an idiot to think you actually had feelings for me?” Cas asked before she could get a word out.

“You're—”

“Were you just pretending to like me, because that's—”

“Of course I wasn't pretending!” The words exploded out of her before she could stop them. Heat spread across her cheeks.

Cas's mouth had been open, ready with a reply, and he snapped it shut.

She cleared her throat. She'd already embarrassed herself horribly, might as well finish it off. “I fully intended to ignore you, but it turns out you're very hard to ignore. I never pretended to feel anything for you, Cas. All of that was real, and definitely never part of the plan. And I should have . . .” A lump formed in her throat, and she swallowed, her voice shaking. “I should have warned you about the attack. I should have trusted you. I'm sorry.”

He stood motionless, staring at her. She was either relieved to get that off her chest, or hoping that the ground would break
open and swallow her whole. The latter option was burning particularly bright at the moment.

Then his arm was reaching for her. He grabbed her around the waist, roughly tugging her to him. Her chest bumped his and his eyes burned with fire as he lowered his mouth to hers. She wrapped her fingers around his shirt, rising up on her toes.

He kissed her like she was in danger of slipping out of his arms. His lips were hot and insistent against hers, his hands pressing into her back and crushing her against him. She wound her fingers into his hair, and every piece of her melted into him with no hope of return. Even after he pulled away she would leave pieces of herself all over him, and none of those pieces were ever coming back.

She slid her hand down to his waist, tugging his shirt up and running her fingers over his warm skin. He sucked in a breath, his chest shifting against hers. She ran her thumb up his spine, hoping for that response a hundred more times. She wanted to feel his body reacting to her touch every day for the rest of her life.

She lost herself in the kiss for so long she felt a bit dizzy when he finally pulled away.

“I don't know if I should have done—” Cas began.

She didn't want to hear the end of that sentence. She cut him off with another kiss, putting both her hands on his cheeks. Her fingers grazed over the stubble on his jaw and trailed down his neck and to his chest. She wanted to memorize how he felt against her.

He wrapped his arms around her so tightly her feet almost left the ground. His lips left hers, but he didn't pull away. Their foreheads touched as he spoke softly. “Promise me this wasn't part of the plan.”

“I promise,” she whispered. “I tried so hard not to fall for you and failed miserably.”

One side of his mouth turned up, and he brushed her hair away from her face as he leaned down to kiss her again. He was slow this time, letting his lips linger and his breath tickle across her mouth. She let herself collapse into him, let herself forget where she was and what she had to do.

When they finally broke apart, his hair was messy from her fingers, his mouth red. She imagined she looked about the same.

“I should be most angry about you conspiring with Olso to start a war,” he said breathlessly. “Or about the fact that my father died because of events you put in motion. But I was most angry that you pretended to have feelings for me.” He shook his head, a short laugh escaping his mouth. “How stupid is that?”

She smiled, biting her bottom lip to try to keep her grin from spreading too far across her face. “You underestimate yourself if you think any woman would have to pretend to have feelings for you.”

He grinned, his cheeks turning pink. The expression fell off his face almost as soon as it came, and she knew what he was thinking. It didn't matter how they felt about each other. There was no world where the king of Lera could be with a Flores, even if she hadn't destroyed his kingdom.

“I was scared to tell you the truth,” she said. “I know it's no excuse, but a tiny part of me was afraid you would immediately send someone to move or kill Olivia if I told you about the attack. I asked for them to spare you. But you saw the warriors. They're not exactly taking orders from me.”

He nodded slowly. “You can have your sister when we get to the Southern Mountains. I'll release her. Then I want you to run away as fast as you can.”

Gratitude swelled inside of her, and she had to swallow down tears. “Thank you, Cas.”

“You'll probably need to stay hidden when we arrive. If my mother or Jovita sees you, I don't think I can provide them with a reason why you shouldn't stand trial.” He winced, like he was suddenly in pain. “I can't order your execution. I don't even think that's what you deserve, and I would never recover from that.”

“Thank you,” she whispered again.

“Assuming the Olso warriors don't kill me, I'll convince my advisers that it's best to focus on them, and not you. I think we'll have our hands full for quite a while.” His expression turned serious. “If you promise not to attack Lera again.”

“If you promise not to execute the Ruined simply for their magic.”

“Agreed.”

“Agreed.” She began to smile at him, but the relief of their arrangement was quickly overshadowed by the fact that this meant they would likely never see each other again. He wore a matching expression, and she reached out, finding his hand.

When the jungle fell into darkness that night Em's eyelids felt heavy and her feet and legs ached. She suggested they rest for the night and Cas agreed. He pulled her close to him as soon as they sat down in the dirt against a large tree trunk. Her body began sending off sparks immediately, the exhaustion she'd felt a few seconds again vanishing.