Rules for Werewolves (15 page)

—I guess the house hasn’t changed you
that much
, Malcolm.

—We can do it tonight. We’ll have a big story circle and work out who
we are and what we’re doing here and we’ll plan out the whole fairy tale while we’re baking cookies and then Malcolm can take the cookies to the neighbors tomorrow.

—That seems like a dumb idea.

—We’ll talk about it tonight.

—I wanna start digging through their shit!

—Don’t trash the place. Don’t pull things out of drawers and just throw ’em on the ground. Keep the shit from each drawer and each shelf all together so you can put it back neatly.

—We should do it like a practical joke. Empty out one drawer and then move that stuff to the next drawer up and on and on as we search the house, so when the family comes back everything is just one drawer or one shelf off.

—Malcolm probably won’t let us.

—Can we do that? Or is that against the rules, Malcolm?

—I think that’s funny. We should do it. It’s got a little bit of cruelty in it to keep us focused. That’s discipline. Let’s do it. As you search the house, put everything back perfectly, but in the wrong place. Everything goes back one drawer up or one shelf over.

—This is gonna be awesome.

—And everybody keep your eye out for the combination to their safe. They must’ve written it down somewhere. Maybe in a filing cabinet with tax returns or something. It might not say, “This is the combination to the safe.” But it’s going to be three numbers. You know, like a combination lock. 35-12-14. Whatever.

—What do we get if we find it?

—What do you want?

—A blow job.

—From who?

—I’ll give you a blow job right now, baby.

—I want to be allowed to drive their car around town.

—We’ll see about that.

—Everybody’s gonna want something different.

—All right. We’ll each write down what we want and put all our wishes in the hat and whoever finds the combination gets to pull a wish from the hat and we’ll all do everything we can to make it come true.

—The hat is back!

—What do you think about that idea, Malcolm?

—I think it sounds fine.

—I thought you hated the hat, Malcolm?

—I don’t hate the hat.

—He just wants to be the head of it!

—Haha!

—How do we decide who gets to start searching which room? I mean, the combination’s not going to be in one of the kids’ rooms, so if you want to win the prize—

—You don’t know where the combination’s gonna be.

—When I say
go
, everybody run to the room you wanna search. If somebody else is already in that room go somewhere else.

—Or fight ’em for it.

—No. I don’t want a big fucking, bloody mess all over this house. You get disqualified if you trash the house or do something stupid.

—What qualifies as “something stupid”?

—Use your best judgment.

—No, baby, I’m the judge. Use
my
best judgment. Don’t do anything you think is going to piss me off. And don’t rush. Be quiet and thorough.

—And whoever finds the combination let out a howl.

—We’re gonna stay and cook breakfast.

—You don’t wanna try to win the prize?

—I already have my prize. The whole group of you acting like a pack. It’s beautiful.

—Is everybody ready?

Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod.

—Then … on your mark. Get set. Go!

—Breakfast was good.

—Why do you say it like that? I don’t know why you say it like that. You know I can cook, baby.

—I know you can cook one-on-one, but cooking for an army is a whole other thing altogether.

—I wanna talk about our army for a sec.

—What?

—I just don’t know if guns is such a good idea.

—We haven’t found the combination yet.

—I don’t know if I want to.

—What are you scared of?

—I’m not scared. It’s just not what I want.

—All right then, let’s hear it.

—If I had to add one thing to this group it would probably be a camper van, or another two or three dogs.

—We’d look cool rolling into a country truck stop in a rickety old camper van farting exhaust, lurching to a stop with a backfire. Then the door opens up and four or five pit bulls tumble out.

—Why don’t we do that? Why don’t we run away? Now. Before what’s going to happen next happens.

—This
is
what happens next.

—This conversation?

—This house. This taste of good fortune. We’re going to have everything we need to run away.

—Then let’s do it. Tonight, after we get everybody together and go through all the stuff. Let’s take the best and go?

—The best people or the best stuff?

—Both.

—How are we gonna figure out who the best people are? Not the best people to hang out with and drink beers with, but the best people when things get tough?

—So you’re gonna make things tough as a way of sorting everybody out?

—That’s what happens next.

—You think they’ll find the combination?

—What’s the number one fear a person has when they lock something up?

—I dunno.

—The biggest fear is that they’ll never get into it again. I mean, why else do ninety percent of the houses we squat in have keys under the mat? No one wants to be shut out of anything, much less their own belongings.

—But have you thought through what a gun is gonna do to us, baby?

—That’s what I need you for. To worry it over for me.

—Fuck off.

—No, I’m serious. Tell me what you’re thinking.

—Are my worries gonna change your actions?

—I can’t tell until you share ’em with me. But, sure, if you’ve got a bad enough worry, I’ll stop things in their tracks.

—Well, one of my worries is you won’t be able to stop things.

—I’ll shoot my gun in the air. That always gets everybody’s attention in the movies.

—If there’s only one gun in that safe, things are gonna be easy. You can be the only one who gets to hold it and things are perfect. But what if there’s two guns?

—You can be my deputy.

—You’re full of shit. You’ll probably give it to Anquille. Or somebody who can shore up your leadership with some of the fringe people.

—Maybe some days. Maybe day by day I’ll decide who gets the second gun. I mean, I don’t imagine we’ll even have the guns out most days.

—Just special days.

—Sure. Full moons and the like.

—You really wanna go busting into the Peugeot house, don’t you?

—Yeah. That’ll be a special day for sure.

—Okay, here’s another worry: You break into that Peugeot house with a gun and someone’s gonna get killed.

—I just wanna scare him really bad. I swear. Plus it’ll bring the group together. Why do you think people come and go all the time?

—Why don’t you tell me?

—We need a common enemy.

—Just trying to get by is the common enemy.

—Doesn’t work. Or else all humanity would be united around that shit. You have to put a face on “trying to get by”—so we can see who’s standing in our way and share a common point of focus.

—And Peugeot Guy’s the focus?

—The planning for it. The training.

—We don’t plan or train for anything.

—We’re going to. For this.

—But think about it, Malcolm: What if Anquille decides he doesn’t like you being the one who gets to decide who gets the guns? What if Anquille decides to get up in the middle of the night and get the guns himself and then—
bang
—he’s the new leader?

—Maybe I won’t give him the combo.

—Everybody is gonna have the combo.

—Maybe.

—What if Anquille finds the combo and decides not to share with you?

—That’s why I offered a prize.

—The prize wasn’t your idea. It was my idea.

—But it was my idea to make you my deputy.

—What if Angel comes back?

—I know Angel’s coming back. She’s gonna try to dethrone me before I solidify things.

—I’m not gonna feel safe ’til we’re all a long way away from here, bouncing down the highway in our camper van.

—I promise.

—I don’t need you to promise shit about that. I’m gonna make it happen myself. I just hope you’re still around to see it.

—What are you doing?

—I’m looking for my keys.

—Come back to bed.

—I can’t. I have to get to work. You want breakfast?

—No. I’m on a diet.

—Really!?

—Why do you say it like that?

—You don’t seem like the kind of girl who diets.

—You don’t seem like the kind of guy who would know which girls diet and which girls don’t.

—Sorry.

—Don’t apologize. Come back to bed and let’s fight about it.

—Do you see my coat anywhere?

—How can you lose anything in this house? Everything’s white and clean. The countertops are empty. Your bookshelves are alphabetized. I bet you shit at the same time every day, don’t you?

—I like to put everything back in its place. I usually hang my pants on this hook in the closet and leave my keys and my wallet in the pocket, so when my keys aren’t in my pants pocket they could be anywhere.

—Let me help you look.

—Thank you. As soon as we find my keys I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.

—Why do you want to get rid of me so bad? I’m trying to be a good girlfriend.

—I don’t want to get rid of you. I just have a lot of shit to do today.

—Maybe I can help?

—My life isn’t something you can help with. I have to go to work. I have to get back to my regular life.

—All right. Calm down. We’ll find your keys. Then you can get some of your stuff done and relax and we’ll talk about
us
later.

—How are you gonna help me? You don’t know where anything is in my house.

—What was the last thing you remember unlocking?

—I don’t know. I was so fucked up when we came home last night.

—Are they still hanging in the front door? Or in your car?

—I walked to the party last night. I knew I was gonna get fucked up, so I walked.

—That’s why I can’t have a car. I mean, besides the fact that I’m completely broke. I don’t have the kind of responsibility it takes. If you gave me gas money I’d probably just develop a taste for diesel.

—Haha.

—See? I’m funny. And I’m helping you look for your keys. That’s all nice. Isn’t it?

—I’m not trying to get rid of you. I like you. I had a good time last night. But now it’s
today
and all the stuff I’m supposed to do today is weighing on me.

—What’s this?

—I told you about that.

—You did not.

—I did.

—You have a video camera and a TV and a microphone and the whole thing set up and pointed at the bed.

—Why would I not tell you about it? It’s out in the open. It’s not hidden or anything.

—Did we make a sex tape?

—I swear to god I told you.

—I’m not accusing you. I just don’t remember. I was just as fucked up as you were.

—Listen, this is turning out to be the worst morning ever—

—Look. That’s us. Oh, my god! I can barely unzip my jeans, they’re so tight. Jesus. I look cute, though, don’t I?

—I don’t know how to say this—but I don’t want things to get weird between us.

—They are, though, aren’t they?

—Yeah.

—Why do you think that is?

—’Cause now we’re sober.

—And you feel different about me.

—No. It’s just—it’s like two different worlds. What we did last night was last night, and now I’m sure we both have stuff we need to get done. If you want we can get together tonight and talk. Or I could call you later in the day.

—You don’t think there’s any way this could turn into a normal relationship?

—I don’t know. Is a normal relationship what a girl like you really wants?

—It’s funny. I don’t feel any different when I’m sober. I want the same things at night that I do in the day. And I think I can get those things from you. Wait. Where are you going?

—I’m not going anywhere until I find my keys.

—No, I mean on the video—look at that—I have my shirt off and my pants are unzipped and you’re leaving the room.

—I think I had to piss.

—Oh, shit. Now I’m embarrassed. As soon as you left the room last night I started going through your pockets.

—You took my keys.

—See? I didn’t want you to get away last night and I don’t want to let you go today. I’m the same drunk or sober.

—Give ’em back.

—Let’s see if they’re still in my pockets …

—Stop fucking around.

—I’m not. These jeans are pretty tight. This might take a while. Why
don’t you entertain yourself by watching what we did last night. Look at that. Maybe that’s what happened to your keys.

—Stop it.

—I’m taking something out of my jacket and putting it under your bed. I’m hiding something under your bed. What do you think it is?

—Are you gonna give me my keys back?

—That depends. What kind of car do you drive? If it’s something fancy I might want to borrow it to go see a friend.

—I’ll take you to your friend’s house.

—I want to surprise him. I want to show up in three days, when I’m really good and hungry, and let him know I have a new boyfriend and that we’re starting our own family together. Ow. Look at that.

—Turn the TV off.

—You’re the one who recorded it. What? You only wanna watch it on your own?

—I have responsibilities I have to get to today—

—You didn’t leave me standing there with my shirt off, ready to roll, because you had to pee—you left to get your handcuffs.

—You kept saying you needed to be thrown in a closet. That you wanted to be tied up and fed. I had no idea what you meant.

—You keep sounding like you want to apologize to me. But I liked it. What you did—is what I like. Why does it make you feel so bad? I’m not a victim. I look plenty willing to put the cuffs on, don’t I?