Rules for Werewolves (5 page)

—So?

—So now they’ve got a picture of you. They can send out those pictures to all the cops in this patch zone. That’s how our cops split up the city, into “patch zones”—the zone into which a call is patched. You get it? Now they can start looking for you. It gives the cops something to do while they drive around. They can look out the window and look at the kids in the park playing ball until they get a match. That’s the game the cops play.

—We’ll lay low.

—Nothing helps you lay low like beer, huh?

—We’ll stay in.

—So now you’re too scared to go out looking for that Peugeot with me, huh?

—We’re not scared.

—Good.

—Isn’t it just as dangerous to go after Peugeots and to squat in houses and live off the shit we steal from other houses?

—There’s no video cameras in houses. And when we break in a place to scavenge I never give us more than five minutes. If you follow my instructions and take everything you get your hands on there’s no fingerprints that way. And when we leave a house and find a new place I go back in the middle of the night to the old place and burn it down.

—You do not.

—I always tell the truth. For instance: this is really, really good beer.

—Fuck off.

—I think you should all have some. It’ll put you all in a good mood. It’ll get you all a little wild. That way, when we go out tonight, maybe we can find that Peugeot. We can put your good moods and your extra energy to use. After the sun goes down. So let’s have some fun until then.

—Living here. Getting bossed around all the time.

—Living in an apartment and going to work at IBM.

—I think being held in a cage, being watched, no matter what I did.

—Finding out that I’d been watched and videotaped the whole time I was in college after it was over.

—You mean like videos of you online doing everything you did in college?

—Oh god, that’s a nightmare.

—It’s not what you can’t stand. It’s what’s the edge of what you could survive.

—Living here.

—I think I could survive being shocked. I don’t like it. But I’ve survived it from electrical outlets and stuff.

—I think I could survive being in solitary confinement for a long time. Not forever, but I think I could do years.

—I guess I know I can survive being raped. Or I can go on. Whatever. Shit, that was dumb to say. I thought I could just say it. But I guess I don’t want to talk about it.

—I think I could survive on eating the same thing every day for the rest of my life.

—Oh, that’s good. What’s the worst food you could survive on?

—I think if I was hungry enough I could eat anything.

—You think you could kill a neighborhood cat and eat it?

—I think I could.

—Imagine you have to hunt dogs and cats for food.

—Can I use a weapon?

—You can only use a fork.

—That’s gross.

—I would hunt from the roofs. I would climb up there and just crouch and wait. Then when a dog or a cat came under me I would jump down on them and crush their backs with my feet.

—Have you thought about this before?

—I just made it up.

—You think you could go totally wild and eat a cat raw?

—If I had to I could.

—I don’t think we know half of what we would do if we had to. Human beings have a lot of untapped potential. We’re smart enough in five seconds to think up a roof advantage over dogs to break their backs but we never have to use that part of our brain. It just sits there, waiting and waiting for the opportunity.

—Until something comes along that wakes us up and all of a sudden we start thinking and doing things we never could do.

—That’s what this is. Living like this. We’re waking up that part of brains on purpose instead of waiting for the plague or whatever happens next in history. That’s what makes us werewolves.

—What else?

—I think I could survive never going out into the world again. I think I could live in a box and just get food slipped in under the door.

—All right. Imagine you live in a room with nothing to do. No TV. No anything.

—Is there a toilet?

—Sure.

—Because otherwise where does all my shit go? It would just pile up.

—There’s a toilet.

—But that’s it. Nothing on the walls. No books. You get fed once a day through a slot in the wall.

—Give me a beer.

—Go slow. We’re running low.

—The sun’s coming down.

—And the moon is rising.

—What would you do in this imaginary room if there was nothing to do?

—I would do push-ups and sit-ups. I would pace.

—I would make up stories. A different story every day. I would make up stories about why I was there. And who was keeping me.

—I would just assume I was in some sort of zoo and I was being watched and I would try to act normal.

—What does that mean?

—Just normal.

—Show me.

—Okay. Watch.

—

—You’re a fucking dork.

—It’s a little bit scary.

—Watch.

—

—I want everybody to meet back here. No matter what. At midnight.

—It’s dark.

—It’s a new moon. You can’t see it but it’s up there.

—Shouldn’t we make a plan, baby?

—Like what?

—Divide up into four groups and each pick a different direction.

—Just use your instincts. You don’t have to cover a certain number of blocks or anything. Don’t try to run through the whole neighborhood. You’re just out for a walk. You can go whichever way you want.

—Then why are you talking to us like a coach?

—Cover as much ground as you can. You can go in whatever teams you want to. Go alone or in pairs. I mean obviously we don’t want to all walk down the street together in the same direction. Some go some way and some another. If you find the Peugeot missing its hood ornament come back here.

—So we’re all just supposed to wander through a pitch-black neighborhood and keep our eyes peeled for something that’s not there.

—Pay attention. If you see the cops, don’t automatically run. They’ll chase you if you run. Just wait and see if the cops are even interested in you. If they question you, tell ’em you’re looking for a party. If they ask
where, tell them 732 Glenwood Springs. That’s on the other side of River Oaks. That’s important. If they turn on their lights or get out of the car—then you run. If you have to run from the cops go into backyards, start jumping fences. Cops can’t jump fences. And don’t stop running. Don’t ever think you can hide. They want you to hide so they can catch up. That’s how you get away from the cops.

—How do we know when it’s midnight?

—Who wears a watch?

—Not me.

—Not me.

—Fuck.

—We can look in through people’s windows at their clocks.

—Like that won’t attract the attention of the cops.

—Why are you so obsessed with the cops, Malcolm?

—Because you fucking stole beer from the corner convenience store four hours ago, you dumb fucks. It only takes one little mistake for this whole thing to be over. You only have to get the cops just a little interested in us. Or the neighborhood association. Or the fucking dogcatcher.

—All right. Chill out.

—We’re squatting in houses. This isn’t gonna last forever. Some of us get to go back home and some of us will go to the settlement house. But we only have as long as we’re smart. We only have as long as we can get along.

—How about we just use our best judgment about midnight and we look for watches in the future?

—And I’m not obsessed with cops. I’m just trying to be careful.

—All right. All right.

—But if you do get any attention from the cops, if you do have to run and hop fences and all that, do it in the opposite direction. Run away from this house. All right. We can’t all meet up back here if there’s a bunch of cop cars here. All right?

—You’re totally obsessed.

—Fuck off.

—Stop it.

—You’re messing up my fucking hair.

—Your hair?!

—Fuck off.

—We’re looking for a psychopath who runs over people like us!

—I’m not. I’m fucking out of here.

—What do you think we’re gonna do to this Peugeot guy when we find him? It’s gonna mess up more than your hair. This is our first hunt. And you’re walking away like a fucking kid.

—Leave him alone.

—He’ll come back.

—He’ll probably be the one who finds the Peugeot guy.

—So we’re really gonna do it? We’re really gonna fuck this Peugeot guy up?

—Just come back here when you find him. Don’t try to be a hero and check out his house or disable his security system or anything you see from the movies. Don’t do anything to tip him off. Just come back here and we’ll all go after him as a pack.

—Do you think it’s midnight yet?

—I think it’s like nine p.m. I think we’ve only been walking for five minutes.

—Jesus, we’ll cover the whole city by midnight.

—I think that’s the idea.

—Let’s head up to the school. We can sit on the swings or something.

—Like little pendulums on a clock to pass the time.

—I don’t even wanna find the thing we’re looking for.

—Yeah.

—I had what I wanted.

—Yeah.

—Legend of Zelda could have kept me going for weeks.

—I liked playing it, too.

—I like to get high and make myself believe that video games and movies are real.

—That’s a good idea.

—My house, my living situation, was always shit. You’re older, it’s different.

—Not always, Bobert.

—I have a stepdad.

—Yeah, I guess you get rid of those when you move out.

—But if I have to go back home that’s what’s waiting for me.

—What’s his deal?

—Typical shit.

—What?

—You know.

—I don’t.

—He’s just an asshole.

—What? Does he beat you up? Or make you suck his dick?

—Neither.

—Why won’t you tell us?

—He doesn’t make me touch it. He just jacks off while he looks at me. He makes me stand there and watch him. And I’m not allowed to move or say anything. He likes to come in my bedroom at night. But he’ll also do it if he catches me on the toilet or just sitting there watching TV.

—What if he catches you sharpening your machete? I bet that would make him think twice.

—I never told anybody.

—You have to tell people.

—I know. I just can’t.

—You told us.

—Yeah. I guess.

—It wasn’t so bad, Bobert, was it?

—I survived.

—And we don’t think you’re disgusting, or a freak, or a pussy. We’re glad you’re here with us. We’re glad you got out of that shit.

—I have a little brother.

—Is he still at home?

—For another six years.

—Unless he becomes a werewolf.

—I guess he gets by the same way I used to.

—How’s that?

—Whenever I got my hands on a comic book I heard this little voice in my head, like a carnival barker, saying, “Step inside. Step inside.”

—So you pretend the TV or the movie screen is just like a portal through which we can watch what’s happening in this other world?

—I don’t pretend it. I try to make myself believe it. I want it so bad. I can almost do it without getting high.

—Then you would be crazy.

—But if you could control your craziness, wouldn’t it be a good thing? If you could adapt your reality to the situation, you’d be the perfect animal—unstoppable.

—But that’s impossible—
controlling your craziness
. The whole point of craziness is being out of control of your thoughts.

—My mother and father are the King and Queen of America. It’s a secret. Not even I know it—or I’m not supposed to. But when they die, I’m gonna inherit the whole earth. They were so worried about how I would rule, they were so uptight about how they should raise me, they went a little overboard on the discipline. So I ran off. But when we get caught, or however it ends, you all are gonna go to jail, but I’m gonna be taken back to the White House—

—Caesars Palace. Or Trump Tower. The King and Queen of America would live somewhere fancier than the White House.

—and my mom and dad will reveal to me their true nature and apologize for how shitty they were to me.

—Then you can give us pardons.

—Maybe. Some of you. And even if I don’t go back to the White House—even if they put me in jail with the riffraff to teach me a lesson, I can just make myself believe I’m in paradise and the food is perfect and I’m secret royalty.

—It’s kind of like a total “Fuck You” to the whole world. You can say to the cops, “Put me in my chariot and take me to my palace.” And if you said it over and over again, eventually they would.

—The only thing you have to give up to be perfectly happy is hope. Any hopes you have that you really could be the president, or that you could be the ruler of your own video game empire you invented—you would have to give that up.

—Believing in yourself is the only thing that stands between you and paradise.

—Can you keep a secret?

—I’m not gonna tell anybody.

—Not about that. I want you to promise. If we find the Peugeot, can we please ignore it and say we didn’t?

—We would get in so much trouble.

—Not if no one ever found out.

—Well, no one would ever find out from me.

—Then look right there.

—What?

—Up in that driveway. The house right across the street from the elementary school. What kind of car is that?

—Holy shit.

—That’s a Peugeot, isn’t it?

—It’s hard to tell because it doesn’t have a hood ornament.

—But look at the dents in the hood. He must have been banging it pretty hard.