Run to Me (37 page)

Before she could find a way to begin, Ethan asked, “How much do you remember?”

“Everything.”

His eyes closed. Regret or relief?

“When did that happen?”

Her shoulders lifted in a tired shrug. “That double injection I gave myself, coupled with Rosemount’s drug on the boat, pushed all of it out. By the time we arrived on the island, I had remembered it all.”

“Then you know about … ?” His clenched jaw indicated that he couldn’t say the words.

“I know everything.” Her head tilted. “I wonder if you do.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was pregnant.”

Regret and sorrow settled on his face. “Yes.”

“You accused me of doing it on purpose … trying to trap you.”

His throat working, he nodded.

She took a breath and admitted what she hadn’t been able to then. “I did, you know.” Her eyes closed briefly, battling tears. “You didn’t want a commitment, told me over and over you didn’t. But I knew you loved me … you never said it, but I never doubted that. I thought if I got pregnant, it would be easier for you and you’d have no choice. I thought you’d admit your feelings and that would be that.” She closed her eyes again and whispered, “God, I was so stupid.”

“I forced you into—”

Her eyes flew open. Furious, she pointed her finger at him and snarled, “Stop right there. You did not force me into getting pregnant. No man forces a woman to try and trap him. When you said the words, it was the first time I allowed myself to acknowledge what I’d done.” She shook her head in regret. “I was so ashamed of myself. And angry … at both of us.”

Ethan shook his head. “I handled it badly, Shea. Said those contemptible things to you. I knew I was hurting you, hurting myself. I was furious, but I didn’t mean any of what I said. Having a baby with you would have been one of the greatest blessings of my life. Instead, I demanded that you get out. I’ve never hated myself more than I did in that minute.”

Remembering that hellacious day wasn’t easy, even the second time around, but they had to get past this. She and Ethan should have had this discussion long ago. “I came back a few days later. To apologize … talk to you. You’d left on assignment.” She swallowed a sob. “In the foyer, boxes were everywhere … you’d packed up all of my things. All of my clothes, pictures of us together, even the gifts I’d given you. Your message was clear. You wanted nothing left of us … nothing that would remind you of me.”

“I’m so damned sorry. I panicked. Behaved like a fool.”

Despite her urgent need to go to him, ask his forgiveness, give him forgiveness, her feet stayed rooted to the floor. They needed to get this out in the open once and for all. “I took my stuff and drove to Florida to see Cole. I couldn’t believe it was over. I needed to talk with someone who understood us both. He guessed immediately what had happened. I told him about the baby, what you’d said. He held me in his arms and I felt safe, no longer afraid.”

She took a breath. Could she explain her fear to Ethan? Would he understand how her past had distorted her thinking? “All I could envision was my mother. How she was constantly looking for someone to take care of her and how she ended up with the scum of the earth. And there was Cole, so strong, so good. He’d lost his family and needed me, wanted me. Wanted the baby. I couldn’t give him my love, like he deserved, but I could give him a family.

“When he offered marriage … it just seemed so simple. I knew you’d never change your mind. You were always throwing Cole in my face, telling me he was the better man. He seemed certain we could make it work. We loved each other in our own fashion. I told myself it was more than most people had. I hoped it would be enough.”

Shea stopped for moment. Unable to go on … unable to say the words.

His voice thick with emotion, Ethan said them for her: “And then you lost the baby.”

One of the most hideous memories of her entire life. God, how she’d wanted and loved that tiny being inside her that never had a chance to live. “I hated you then … hated myself more.”

Ethan shook his head. “You couldn’t have hated me any more than I hated myself. That was my baby, and I denied you both.”

“The doctor said it was no one’s fault. I didn’t believe that for a long time. If it weren’t for Cole, I don’t know what I would have done.”

“You and Cole probably could have made it work if not for me.”

Shea gave a soft, disbelieving snort. “I know you’d like to think that, Ethan, simply because you always want to blame yourself for everything. Having to work with you was no piece of cake, but we could have said no.” Regret hammered. “That last mission …”

“My fault, Shea … I started a fight with him. Told him how unhappy you looked. It was none of my damned business.”

“You don’t understand, Ethan. That last mission, Cole didn’t want to go. I talked him into it.” The tears that had been threatening rolled down her face. “Don’t you see? It was my fault Cole was even there. If I hadn’t talked him into going on the op, none of this would have happened.”

“Shea, no, it wasn’t—”

She swallowed a sob. “If you’re planning to take all the blame on yourself, forget it. I screwed up … badly, and Cole paid the price.” She wiped her face with the back of her hand, drew in a trembling breath. “But now he’s safe and Rosemount’s dead. That’s the most important thing.”

“So I guess it’s back to the way things used to be.”

Shea searched his face, looking for any hope, any hint that he’d changed his mind about them, and saw none. “Guess so.”

“I’m headed back to Tennessee tonight.”

She gripped the edge of the table behind her, her entire body aching with the effort to hang on to her composure. She made herself nod, hoping it didn’t look as awkward as it felt. How she wanted him to ask her to come with him. But he wouldn’t. Ethan had made his decision about them, and there was nothing Shea could do. She’d told him how she felt. If he didn’t think their love was important enough to fight for, there was nothing more to say.

Determined to hang on, be strong for a few more seconds, she heard her voice say, “Have a safe trip home. Give Stella and the kittens a hug for me.”

Ethan’s grim mouth cracked slightly for a smile. “Will do.” He turned to walk away and then stopped. Shea’s heart stopped, too.

Turning back around, he said, “If you or Cole ever need anything, you know where I am.”

Unable to do more than offer a half nod, she watched as Ethan walked slowly away, slipping out of her life forever.

Shea gazed at Cole across the table of what had once been their favorite restaurant in Tampa. She marveled at how much healthier he was beginning to look. “You look wonderful.”

His stern mouth curved slightly, but his eyes remained shadowed and grave. Would he ever recover and be the warm, good-hearted man he’d once been? Would he ever again be the man who, though he’d suffered a terrible loss, had had the strength and determination to make the world a better place for others? Only time would tell.

“After doing nothing but eating and sleeping for almost two months, I should look good.”

He made it sound as though he’d been on vacation. If only it had been that easy. Cole’s memory had returned much more quickly than hers had, but he still had small pockets of memory loss they weren’t sure he’d ever get back. And, like Shea, he suffered with migraines and his nightmares had been horrendous. Regaining his memories, regaining his life, had been anything but easy.

Remembering the senseless deaths of his wife and child had been as if he’d lost them all over again. The grief and fury had been fresh and real.

Added to that anguish was his extreme guilt over knowing he’d stood and watched Rosemount abuse Shea and had done nothing to stop it. After reading Rosemount’s notes, they’d determined that Cole had talked about Shea … giving Rosemount valuable information about her. When Shea had advertised on the Internet site, searching for Rosemount, he had known exactly who she was.

Shea had repeatedly insisted that Cole’s guilt was ridiculous. He hadn’t been aware of what was happening and couldn’t be blamed for something he’d had no control over. Nevertheless, he had the memory of it inside his head, and the guilt remained.

“I talked to Dr. Norton yesterday. He says you’re ready to go home.”

“Not really sure where home is anymore.”

Shea grimaced an apology. “The house in Key West is gone. The money from the sale is still in the bank. I have a two-bedroom apartment here, so you can come stay with me.”

Cole leaned forward, and Shea was surprised to see a hint of anger in his eyes. “You want to tell me why the hell you’re here and inviting me to live with you, while Ethan’s back in Tennessee?”

“Nothing’s changed there.”

“And you’re just going to accept that?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re stronger now, Shea. Much more than when we first married. You were vulnerable and hurt. Ethan crushed you, broke your heart. If you’d been surer of yourself then, you would’ve made him admit his feelings. Hell, you would’ve followed him on that op he went on and wouldn’t have backed down.”

The words rang true. She
was
stronger now. Somehow, what she’d experienced had grounded her, made her more aware of not just her limitations but also her abilities. And it had given her a pride in surviving and overcoming horrific circumstances.

When Ethan had forced her to leave, she’d been pregnant and alone … an emotional wreck. Not questioning his treatment of her, she’d allowed him to manipulate their relationship. Insecurity and her own guilt over trying to trap him had blinded her.

Wiser and more mature now, she not only saw who she was, she saw Ethan, too. His strength and goodness had always been apparent. What she hadn’t seen, until now, were the insecurities and flaws. And she loved all of him … every facet … forever.

“I was stupid, Shea … should never have asked you to marry me. Should’ve told you to go back to Ethan and demand an explanation.” Cole shook his head, and for an instant, she saw the kindhearted man she’d married. “I had a hole in my heart and a gnawing void in my life. I needed to take care of you. Even if we’d never seen Ethan after our marriage, it wouldn’t have worked for us. We love each other, but we were never in love.”

She couldn’t argue that point either. Even after they married, Cole continued to treat her as a friend, never a wife. Despite her resemblance to his former wife, he’d never been attracted to her in that way.

She’d always felt she’d failed him. But now she realized the truth. Cole had never wanted her to love him in that way. He’d only wanted to take care of her and protect her.

A half sob, half giggle broke out before she could stop it. “I guess we’re one of the few married couples who’ve never slept together.”

A wry smile tilted Cole’s mouth. “I think we both felt we’d be cheating on the people we really loved. Ethan had your heart. And Jill …” He swallowed hard. “What can I say? I loved her. Even though she’d been gone two years, I still felt married to her.”

Shea reached across the table and touched his forearm. “Thank you for being there for me.”

“We were there for each other. I don’t regret the marriage. I do regret making you feel as though you failed me, though. You didn’t. We gave each other what we needed to survive. But now it’s time for each of us to find our own way.”

“I can’t just leave you here alone.”

“I’d feel a hell of a lot better if I knew that two people who were meant to be together finally got it right. You and Ethan, despite your fiery clashes, love each other the way Jill and I did. No matter where you go or how much Ethan runs from it, neither of you will be happy until you’re together.”

A shaky optimism surged through her. Could she do it? She’d always claimed that Ethan hadn’t fought for their love, but how much had
she
fought for them? By telling Ethan she loved him? He’d known that forever. She’d never denied her love. But she had left the rest up to him. Had believed he should be the one to come after her. Where was her spirit? The determination to stop being a victim? Not fighting for Ethan’s love made her a victim. And they both lost. It was time to show Ethan that her love meant she would be there for him, unconditionally and forever.

And if he didn’t like that? Well, she’d just stick around and persuade him otherwise. She knew from experience that she possessed some powerful persuasive skills when it came to Ethan.

A flicker of humor touched Cole’s face. “Now, that’s the look Shea Monroe should always have. Go to Tennessee, grab on to that mangy hair of his, and don’t let go until he admits he can’t live without you.”

She swallowed a laughing sob. “He may go bald before that happens.”

“Hell, it’ll grow back.”

“Where will you go?”

“Gabe’s been in charge of the Rosemount cleanup.” Bitter contempt darkened his eyes. “Most of the scientists and doctors were captured. There’s one, though … one I’ll never forget. He got away. And I’m going to find him.

“Some of the soldiers were for hire, and they’ve disappeared, too. A few of them were victims like us… . Noah wants us to do what we need to, to help them. I’m going to work until there’s nothing left of Donald Rosemount on this earth.”

“Then what?”

She instantly regretted the question as Cole’s mouth tightened with pain.

“You know Rosemount kept records of everything. I read my file.” He paused as if he had a hard time comprehending the reality of his next words. “I killed a man, Shea. On my very first job, they overdosed me and I went crazy. Thing is, I didn’t need to read the file to know what happened. I can see his face, hear him crying. I killed an innocent man. I can’t just act as if it didn’t happen.”

Shea grabbed his arm. “Dammit, Cole, you didn’t know what you were doing.”

“Doesn’t matter. Rosemount’s records indicate that it was a hired abduction. He never named names, but somebody, besides Rosemount, profited. That person may not have wanted the man killed, but he needs to be identified and dealt with. Noah told me the guy had a wife, a family. I can’t stop thinking about them. I have to see them … make sure they’re okay.”