Rush (Pandemic Sorrow #2) (21 page)

Chapter 30

I had my appointment the next day, and after I left the clinic I went straight to the label.

I had been trying to call Jules, but she only answered to tell me to leave her alone. I texted her, asking if she’d tested yet, and she responded that she had an appointment to be seen by a doctor. She said she couldn’t handle the stress of testing herself.

I couldn’t shake the fact that James had tried to deceive her; the thought that he had instructed me not to tell her, then went and told her himself so he could make me out to be a selfish piece of shit had infuriated me. Never in my life had I been so mad. I’d purposefully avoided confronting him out of fear that I would kill him, but I couldn’t stand it any longer.

The humiliation I’d just experienced at having to walk into my doctor’s office and write out that I had tested positive for HIV destroyed me. I could tell by the way the nurse looked at me when she filled that vial up with blood that she thought I’d gotten what I deserved. Rush Wilder having HIV wouldn’t shock anyone, they’d all just probably say I had it coming. I felt like that nurse was looking at me like I was disgusting.

I would have to wait an entire week to have confirmation of whether or not I really had it. And that amount of time seems like an eternity when your future hinges on it.

I was angry, terrified, and pissed that I had let James dictate my life for so damn long. He had made me this fucking ruthless monster—he had made all of us our own tormented demon, and all to line his pockets. Whatever made us sell, whatever fluffed up the rocker image for us, that’s what we had to do regardless of whether it would kill us or not. And even though part of me blamed him, the blame laid with me. I’d played right into it, wallowed in the glamorous, risky lifestyle he’d offered me. I had been weak, and I’d given a company complete control over every last aspect of my life.

Fame.

Money.

A sense of immortality.

I’d given myself over to destruction to have something that literally meant
nothing
. All those things were worthless, especially when I felt chasing a dream was exactly what had led to my demise.

I’d been so lost in thought, I almost passed the turn to the gated lot of the company.

The guard waved me through and no sooner had I put the gear in park than I had jumped out of the car, taking heavy strides toward the entrance.

My jaw clenched and my fist balled up at my side as I made my way down the hallway and to the elevators. I paid no attention to anyone. All I could do was imagine beating the absolute shit out of James. Each step that brought me closer to him did nothing but flame my anger.

One of the receptionists stood up when I stormed out of the elevator, and she tried to catch my attention. “Mr. Wilder,” she waved, “did you need to see Mr. Cooper?”

I continued stomping down the hall, breathing heavily through my nose.

“Mr. Wilder?”

James’ door was shut, and just as I reached for the handle, the receptionist came frantically flitting down the hallway. “Mr. Cooper is in with another client right now. Is it important? I can page him.”

“Nah, I’mma need to see him right now. His other client can just get the hell out. I make him enough money that I should come first.”

Her jaw unhinged and she stared wide-eyed at me. This tyrannical attitude was far removed from the careless stupidity everyone had come to expect from me, and it obviously shocked her.

“Uh, er…ummm, you can’t…” She fought to string her sentence together, and I opened the door, slamming it shut in her face.

The sound of the door startled the entire room. James looked up from his desk, his eyes narrowing as he glared at me.

Wetting his lips, James calmly asked, “Rush, something wrong? I’m in the middle of negotiating terms of a new contract.” He waved some papers in the air, forcing a fake, cordial smile.

The three guys sitting in front of him all turned to face me.

I pointed at them and my breath came out almost as a growl. “They need to get the fuck out now, or else they’re gonna watch me beat your ass.”

James chuckled and slowly rose from his chair. “Ah, I see. You’re upset.” He glanced over at his company. “Rockers and divas, quite the handful. Would you boys mind excusing us for just a moment?”

They all shook their heads, mumbling as they rose and walked past me, each of them staring at me with confusion. I watched them walk out, and the door hadn’t completely shut before I turned back to James.

“Why the hell did you tell her?”

He leaned against his desk, a smirk twitching over his thin lips as he narrowed his eyes. “I told you not to fuck with her, didn’t I?”

My fingers dug into my palms and my teeth gritted against each other.

James laughed and made his way back behind his desk, but instead of taking a seat he leaned over, bracing his arms against the edge of the table. “I’m not one to fuck with, son.”

I widened my stance, my chest heaving from the rage coursing through me. “You had no fucking right!”

“Oh, but I did. I can’t lose both of you. That would be too costly, and I didn’t trust that you would tell her soon enough. I’ve got to protect my assets.” His eyes scanned over me, and he tilted his head to the side. “And it seems I’ve already lost one. Can’t very well have a sick rock star, now can we? That would be bad for business. Who told you to fuck so many women?” He shook his head.

“You’re disgusting. You and Jag both.” He sat down, then said, “And you better pray Jules doesn’t have it, be pretty hard for her to find another job, considering the fact that I wouldn’t be able to give her a good recommendation.”

My chest tightened, my heart angrily pounded, and I lost all control. I charged toward him with my shoulder lowered and my hands out, just like a linebacker. I slammed him into the window, the blinds bending and swaying underneath him. I screamed, I yelled, noises came out of me that didn’t sound human. Words flew out of my mouth that made no sense. I threw him onto the floor and, one by one, wrapped my fingers around his throat.

I shook his head, staring into his eyes that were coated in fear.

“I want to kill you.” I squeezed a little tighter.

James tried to pull my hands from him, but with each paw of his hand I kept tightening my grip, and the choking sounds that were vibrating out of him granted me a sick form of pleasure.

For a moment, I had so much rage coursing through me that I blacked out, only coming to when someone grabbed onto my shoulders and ripped me off of James.

I jerked free from the security guard who was holding me and hurried toward the door. I didn’t know if I’d killed him, and sadly, I didn’t care if I had.

The guard grabbed me and forced me against the wall. “You can’t leave! You just assaulted him.”

The other guard leaned over and I heard him quietly discussing something with James, who I’d obviously not killed after all.

“I’m letting you get away, Rush,” James hoarsely called out from behind his desk. “Only because I know you have no idea what you’re doing right now. You just remember not to fuck with me, ‘cause next time I won’t be so gracious.”

*****

Sleep had been my best friend. Xanax and sleep. I had pretty much stayed doped up so I couldn’t think about it. The anxiety of not knowing, of having a small hope that I was in the seven percent of people who had gotten a false positive was too much for me to handle.

I felt like a damn leper. I felt disgusting. I felt ashamed.

I woke up to take a piss and pop a few more pills. When I laid back down, I grabbed my phone and found a missed text from Jules.

I’m negative. Two tests, both negative. If yours comes back positive let me know because then I’ll have to get tested again in three months. Maybe you don’t have it.

Closing my eyes, I blew out a breath of relief. I stared up at the ceiling, thinking about everything, wishing I could hold her, smell her, love her; but I couldn’t.

My life had been destroyed by sex. Pleasure seeking had turned into my own personal hell.

Chapter 31

I’d called the doctor’s office three times, and they kept telling me they didn’t have the results. Did they not understand that I was a ball of nerves? That I had been depending on Xanax to keep my ass knocked out and had barely been able to eat?

I twirled the empty pill bottle on the counter, watching it slowly come to a stop.

I trudged through my empty house, each step echoing from the walls. I laid down on my couch and waited.

About an hour later, my phone rang. I sat up and fumbled with it, aggravated when I realized it was Jag instead of the doctor.

“Hello?”

“Hey, man. You all right? Haven’t heard from you.”

I traced my finger along the edge of my coffee table, wiping a smudge from it. “Yeah, just waiting to hear back.”

“Yeah? That sucks. You’ll be fine. It’s been a wake-up call, huh? Seems we’re all having those lately.” He laughed. “But, don’t be worried, even if you do have the HIV I’ll still be friends with you, just as long as you don’t bleed on me or some shit like that.” A nervous chuckle came from him when he most likely realized that wasn’t really a topic I wanted to joke about. His laughter cut off abruptly, and he said, “Man, just know I’m here for you, okay?”

“Thanks, dude. I appreciate it.”

I didn’t feel like talking. I just wanted to wallow in self-pity a bit longer. I needed to cling to hope, for however much longer I could, that the call would come in that I was negative, and that Jules and I could go back to where we were. “Hey, I’ll catch you later.”

The doorbell chimed.

“All right, man. You’ll be fine, no matter what,” Jag tried to reassure me before hanging up.

I shoved my phone in my pocket and went to answer the door, shocked when I found Jules standing on my porch. She looked like she’d been crying. Her hair was messy and her eye makeup was uneven and smudged beneath her eyes.

I hated that I’d put her through this shit.

Her face softened and a small smile flipped her mouth up. “Hey.”

My hand remained on the doorframe, my body blocking the entrance. “Hey.” We stared at each other for a moment. “You lost or something?”

She rolled her eyes. “Look, I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you that in person. I shouldn’t have gotten so pissed at you. I was terrified, you know?”

“Yeah. I know.” I nodded and fought to keep eye contact with her because I was so ashamed. Ashamed of something I no longer had control over, but that didn’t matter. It didn’t make it any less tragic, any less serious; it didn’t change anything, but it sure as hell made everything seem more real.

“I know you wouldn’t have kept sleeping with me if you thought you had something. You’re not an asshole, and I’m sorry I ever acted like you were.” Tears mounted in her eyes for a brief moment and she blinked them away, shifting her gaze down to the porch. “I’m glad we had what we did. It was nice.”

I wanted nothing more than to tell her how much it had meant to me. I wanted to tell her she was the only woman I had ever said I love you to, but that wouldn’t have changed a damn thing, so I just swallowed those emotions down, forcing a smile so it wouldn’t seem that hurt was devouring me.

“It was nice, and I’m glad you realize I would have never done anything to hurt you, Jules. I wouldn’t.”

“Yeah,” she sighed and anxiously rubbed her hand over her shoulder to loosen some of the tension. “Sometimes we just can’t have the things we want. I did want you. And I love you, but we just aren’t meant to be together…regardless of all this mess, we would’ve never worked out. This whole ordeal just kind of halted things earlier, that’s all.”

Although I wanted to argue that with her, there was no point. If that’s what she needed to believe, I would let her believe it.

Reaching out, I took her chin in my hand and lifted it up. “I love you. That won’t change.”

Jules shut her eyes and pulled her lips in. I stared at her, watching as she fought some type of internal struggle. When she reopened her eyes, she had a calm to her.

“Well, I gotta go by the label. Get some stuff sorted out for your tour and all.” She turned and stepped off the porch. “You aren’t gonna let this stop you, are you? The band needs you.”

I shrugged. “Don’t know.”

“You shouldn’t…and I’m here for you if you need me.”

She went to her car and climbed in, waving as she backed out. That was a shitty-ass feeling, watching a woman I cared about more than anything back out of my life, and all because of my own stupidity. One damn decision to fuck around, to drown the thought of her in a pussy, had ruined everything. I’m sure everyone has something they’ve done that fucked shit up, but this was a first for me and I hated it.

I don’t know why I was surprised. I had been a whore, an absolute pervert. I had done filthy-ass shit with countless girls. I’d fucked girls right after other guys in the band had, and I haphazardly used protection, at least when I was sober enough to remember it.

Looking back, I think life has ways of humbling you. It has its moments that knock your feet out from under you, suck the breath out of you, and force you to realize what’s important. Jules had been one of those moments, and this shit had been another.

I sat there for three more hours, thinking about how my past had fucked me over. All those times when deep down inside I felt like maybe I should stop working my way through the female population like it was my job, I convinced myself it didn’t matter—that this would never have an effect on me because I didn’t care about them and they didn’t care about me. I thought that as long as I kept it just sex, no one would get hurt. Well, that was a pretty stupid conclusion to come to because there I sat, alone in my house, waiting on a call to tell me whether or not I had a disease. Those careless mistakes had cost me my health, most likely my career, and the one girl I’d ever allowed myself to care for.

I was staring out the living room window, watching the wind rustle the pointed palm leaves, when the phone rang. As soon as I saw the first three numbers, my heart drummed ferociously in my chest, catching a few times and then speeding back up. Drawing in a deep breath and mentally preparing myself for the traumatizing news, I answered the phone.

“Hello?” I swallowed and sucked in another breath.

“May I speak to Mr. Wilder?”

I tried to determine what she was going to say by her tone, but it was completely flat.

“Yeah. That’s me.”

I felt dizzy and everything seemed to drag. I was hanging on to hope, and I knew that in a few seconds that hope would be ripped out from underneath me so I could use it to make a noose for myself.

“I’m Melinda, one of the nurses with Dr. Murdoch’s. We’d been instructed to call you with the results of your HIV test.”

I nodded. Sweat coated my forehead and dampened the inside of my palms. “Okay.” That response came out between another hard swallow.

I heard her flip through some papers. “The test came back negative.”

Every muscle in my body loosened, and all that air I’d pulled in rushed from my lips. “Negative?”

“Yes.” She paused. “Your exposure was long enough ago that we feel confident, but we would like to have you come back in a few months just to make sure.”

I was in disbelief. I’d prepared myself for the worst, and now I was in absolute shock, and I just wanted to hear her say that word again. “Negative?”

“Yes, negative.”

“Then why did the test I took at home say I had it?”

“There are various reasons that a test may pop a false positive. I can’t tell you what made yours show up positive, but I can assure you the blood test we did here is much more accurate and valid.”

My entire body felt weak. My chest was heaving, and had I let myself, I could have easily cried. “Okay. Thanks.”

“Be sure you come in about three months from now to be rechecked, and use protection in the meantime as an added precaution.”

“Thanks.”

I hung up my phone and rose from the couch. Tossing my head back, I let out another sigh and wiped my hands down my face. I felt like I’d just been given my life back. I paced back and forth in front of my couch a few times, trying to collect myself and get my thoughts straight.

Jules.

I tried calling, but it went to voicemail, so I left her a message telling her she didn’t need to be worried.

I knew that as much as this whole ordeal had terrified me, it had done the same to her, and I still felt guilty about that. I had been an ass to her that day in the shower, and I know that my comment about fucking around on tour had stabbed at one of her vulnerable spots. Jules was insecure because of her past relationships, and I think that comment in and of itself may have been more damning than had I just told her the truth about why I flipped out suddenly. She didn’t believe I could be faithful, and that comment had pretty much just solidified that idea in her head, I’m sure. 

That was a scare that cost me a lot, that taught me humility, and that ultimately turned me into a bigger asshole than I’d ever been. It sucks ass when a lie steals away the one thing you want.