Sacrifice (3 page)

I brushed down my hair with my hands as I dabbed off the sweat that was seeping through my once perfectly applied makeup by Kira. I lifted my head up and took a deep breath as I approached the counter, trying to muster up at least a half smile on my face while the customer in front of me placed their order.

“May I speak to your manager please?”

The way those words sounded coming out of my mouth confirmed that my attempted half smile was already gone.

“Sure just a second,” the employee said with a hint of dry sarcasm in her voice.  She went to the back, then came back shortly and announced, “He will be right out.”

“Ok thanks.”

I moved to the side allowing the next customer to place his order. The manager approached me from his office a few minutes later.

“Hello, how may I help you?”

“Yes, I was just wondering if you were hiring.”

“Did you fill out an application yet?”

“I wanted to know before I fill out any more applications,” I said with a frown on my face that came with a little attitude, which I knew he didn’t take very well based on the surprised look on his face. I quickly tried to recover, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, it’s just that I’ve been looking for a job for a while now and nobody is willing to hire me, but I am a real hardworking person.” I was hoping that would somehow justify my earlier behavior. 

“Nobody will care about how hardworking you are with that attitude. So you might want change your approach before you start looking for a job again.”

“You’re right, I apologize,” I took a breath, knowing I might have just blown my chances with him, “It’s just frustrating that no one wants to hire me.”

“I wonder why?” he said sarcastically.

I was getting irritated by the manager’s remarks. Although I might have acted a little unprofessionally, he didn’t need to rub it in.

“Again, I am sorry,” I said hoping my humility would earn me a second chance.

“Ok, go fill out the application and have them call me back out here when you’re done,” he said and walked away before he finished his words, which I thought was a little rude.

“Ok, thank you sir,” I said as I walked back towards the counter to another employee. “May I have an application please?” I said with gratitude. 

I let out a deep sigh. ‘Ugh! Once again I have to go through this ritual; last name, first name, date of birth, address, blah, blah, blah. I swear I should be able to fill out a job application in my sleep by now. As a matter of fact, I don’t really remember filling this one out. It’s just a blur now,’ I thought to myself as I handed the sheet of paper that controls my immediate future to a girl who couldn’t care less and is giving it to a man who’s probably just going through the motions. I was getting that familiar sinking feeling again while waiting for the manager to review my application.

He steps out of his office, now wearing glasses and motions for me to come to the back. I walked into this small office that had no windows with a desk that he could barely fit behind, with an old rustic office chair. Across from it stood two gray metal chairs. I looked around the almost suffocating room and noticed paper work on his small desk and far too many pictures. I decide to stand for some reason, which he obviously didn’t mind because he never offered me a seat.

“I wasn’t going to hire you based on the attitude you gave me out there. In the real world, people don’t really care what you’re going through while looking for a job. You can get turned down millions of times, but you still have to keep your head up and walk into the next place professionally, along with a good attitude and personality, because you never know what God has planned.  However, I’m going to hire you, because I see the hunger, ambition and drive inside you, despise your first impression.”

Suddenly I felt lighter. It was as if a breeze found its way into the little room and cooled my whole body.

“Thank you so much and I promise I won’t let you down!” I said hoping he’d stop talking about my first impression.

“I hope not. We’ll see you on Monday, at 8 in the morning to start your training,” he said as he stood up and shook my hand, “And please leave that attitude at home, because you will get fired the same way you got hired.”

“I am really sorry, I’m never that rude.”

“I couldn’t tell. First impressions are everything.”

With a smile on my face I rushed home to tell Kira, whom I couldn’t get to open the door, so I constantly threw rocks at her window until she finally heard me.

“Girl I’m sorry, I fell asleep,” she said through a yawn, as she opened the back door for me.

“It’s ok. Guess what?”

“Wait until we get in the room first,” she said as she led the way.

“Sorry,” I said as I tiptoed behind her until we reached her room.

“Ok, what happened?” she asked still sounding half sleep.

“I got a job,” I said with excitement.

“Oh wow, great, where?” she asked.

“McDonald’s,” I said.

She paused for a moment, I guess to see if I was serious, “Well that’s something for now.”

“Yeah I know and I can’t believe they hired me.”

“Why wouldn’t they hire you? It’s McDonald’s.”

“I went in there irritated, so I was rude to the manager.”

“And he still hired you?” said Kira with her eyebrows fully rose.

“Yes, I’m still in shock, but I didn’t expect to work there and I think this baby thing and the stress of running away just really got to me and made me lose my mind a little.”

“That is enough for anyone to lose their mind, but I’m happy you got a job though.”

“I know,” I said as I exhaled deeply.

“So when do you start? And what time?”

“Monday, 8:00 a.m., sharp!”

“Oh wow. He must really like you or something.”

“No, he had a lot of pictures of his kids on his desk, so he probably just felt sorry for me, which is fine since I have a job now.”

“I know we got to go celebrate.”

“I’m worn out, maybe next time?”

“Ok, sounds good, but I am very proud of you Rachael.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. So what do you want to do now?”

“Go to bed, I’m exhausted.”

“Good, I don’t want you disturbing me while I’m watching my shows anyway,” she said as she smiled.

“So now you’re getting rid of me?”

“You already got rid of yourself before I did.”

“Whatever. Enjoy your boring shows.”

“I will thanks,” she said while I got on the bed.

The thought of my mother drifted through my mind as I wondered if she was worried about me, or just happy I finally disappeared from her life; since I haven’t seen my face on a poster on a street pole or milk carton, nor heard from Kira that my mother stopped by looking for me. My guess at that point was that she was happy that I finally left without her having to put me out, which brought a tear to my eye. I softly sobbed preventing Kira from hearing me. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was tense, emotional and anxious to get rid of this thing and figure out what to do next, since I am obviously the furthest thing from my mother’s mind.

Working at McDonald’s could not come fast enough. I had been looking forward to that day ever since I got hired.

“I am so proud of you and I hope you have a great first day at work,” Kira said as she helped me get ready for my big day.

“Thank you, I am really happy the day has finally come.”

“Me too,” she said as we both crept downstairs towards the back door.

“Everything is going to be alright, you will soon have your life back again, I promise.”

“With you by my side, I know I will,” I said as I smiled. Then all of a sudden we heard her mother’s concerned voice.

“Kira?” We both ran as quickly and as quietly as two discovered mice back upstairs to the bedroom. I looked franticly for someplace to hide while Kira ran back down before her mother could get to the top of the stairs.

“Kira?” she said as she met her by the stairs.

“Yes mom.”

“Are you ok?” she said with a worried look on her face.

“Yes I am mother, why?”

“Who were you just talking to?”

“Nobody,” said Kira incredulously.

“But I could swear I just heard you talking to somebody.”

“Mom, I always talk to myself, you’re my mother, and you should know that.”

“I have never heard you talking to yourself which is kind of insane.”

“No it’s not, a lot of kids my age talk to themself.”

“So why did you run then?”

“Ummm, because... because, I left my backpack,” Kira stuttered.

Her mother paused and looked at her quizzically then said, “You know you can come and talk to me if anything is wrong right?”

“I know and I will mother,” she said as she came back in the room where I was hiding in the closet listening to their conversation.

“Rachael?” Kira whispered when she heard her mother’s footsteps going back downstairs.

“Yeah, I’m in the closet,” I whispered.

“Come on let’s go,” she said.

We both quickly rushed out and I hid in the back of her car just in case her mother was looking.

“Wow, that was close,” said Kira as she pulled out of her driveway.

“I know. We can’t talk in the hallway anymore.”

“You’re right. But my mother is usually still sleeping at this time because of her shifts; she works from 1:00 p.m. until 6:00 p.m. then goes to her other job from 7:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m.”

“Wow those are some long hours.”

“That’s my mother. She loves to work, so therefore she has no time to spend with us. So instead, she tries to make sure we have a nice roof over our heads and buys me anything my heart desires, well except for my heels, thinking that will make us happy.”

“Doesn’t your dad work?”

“Nope, he is like the mother and my mother is like my father. I am closer to my father and the housekeeper than to my mother. I don’t get to see a lot of her anymore. Not even on my birthday half of the time.”

“Wow!” I said, somewhat shocked.

“I know right. But I’m ok. I’m happy as long as she is happy.”

“Are you really happy, or you just saying that?” I said, seeing a hint of sadness in her facial expression.

“I’m used to it. I love my mother and I’m happy I have a mother, but I don’t get to enjoy her like I have a mother, you know. Sometimes I forget I even have one, because I don’t see her when I wake up and I’m sleep most of the time when she gets back home.”

“I think you should talk to her.”

“What for? That is not going to make her stop working like she does, because my mother is a workaholic, she wouldn’t stop over a conversation.”

“You don’t know unless you try Kira.”

“Rachael she wouldn’t quit her job just to spend time with me.”

“Of course not, but she can work around her schedule to spend time with you.”

“Mmm, don’t think so, but can we drop this subject please?”

I gave in, sensing this topic was painful for her to keep talking about, as she drove me to work then headed off to school.

Chapter 3

My first day at work was as expected. I didn’t know much, but I was determined to learn as things got better. After training and working there for a while, he finally gave me a full time schedule as I have been requesting.  I worked almost every day saving as much as I can to get an abortion. My body ached every morning as the days went by, I was eager to get this thing out of me. Then one morning, while filled with frustration, I started punching myself in the stomach callously, until… all of a sudden… as if in defiance, that thing inside me kicked back. Shock waves rippled from the tiny spot where it’s little feet touched, coursing up my skin like static electricity, and racing to the ends of every hair follicle. My whole body trembled and I stood there… shook and frozen. A moment of unexpected clarity took my breath away. My heart beat uncontrollably knowing this thing inside me… this… baby… just kicked.

I stared at my stomach in the mirror, scared to look straight at it. At that moment, a rush of emotions came over me, and tears slowly welled up in my eyes. I blinked, sending a soft wave of tears flushing down my cheeks and slowly cried to myself so nobody could hear me.

After that I became totally interested and consumed with this baby, this life inside my stomach.  Suddenly I was eager to know what the sex of my baby was going to be. My emotional state kept growing stronger, as I stood in the bathroom, staring in the mirror amazed, slowly and tenderly, rubbing my stomach.

“Hey…” I said to my stomach, as I rubbed it with tears still in my face.

“You ok?” I kept talking, hoping my baby could somehow hear me.

“Are you ok?” said Kira, standing by the door with a weird look on her face.

I know she must be thinking I have lost my mind.

I jumped, “Oooo, you scared me.”

“No you scared me, I thought you were crazy for a minute,” she laughed.

“Yeah, I think I’m crazy too,” I said laughing it off while wiping the tears from my suddenly puffy face.

“Awww, why are you crying?” she said as she got closer to me and put her arms around me.

“I don’t even know,” I lied knowing she might not accept the decision I know I’m about to make.

“It’s the baby huh?  Don’t worry; it will all be over soon after your appointment next week Wednesday, at 10:00.”

I simply said, “Oh,” knowing I wasn’t going to make that appointment. Thinking of how to find a way out of it, I said, “Wait, don’t you have class that day?”

“Yup, but this is more important.”

“Oh thank you.”

I wasn’t thankful anymore for her helping me try to kill my baby, but I did feel guilty, knowing she is doing everything she can to help me get my life back to normal, without knowing I have changed my mind. I didn’t know how to tell her the truth, and I didn’t want to disappoint her after all she has done for me.

“You’re welcome. But we got to leave in 20 minutes.”

“Ok.”

I finally managed to pull myself away from the mirror knowing I had to be at work. I was this close to calling out, but I needed money for this new baby growing inside of me and an apartment. So, I got dressed and went to work with the thought of how to tell Kira I wasn’t killing my helpless baby anymore, especially after it told me, in no uncertain terms, that it wanted to live. But on the other hand, how could I disappoint my best friend, who had been there for me from the start? Thinking about this took my mind far away, as I constantly rubbed my stomach, which seems to suddenly be growing out of control.

“Rachael?” One of my coworkers called out.

“Huh?” I snapped back to reality.

“You ok?”

“Umm yeah… I’m sorry.”

“Then why do you keep rubbing your stomach with a smile on your face? Did you have an amazing breakfast, or are you pregnant?”

Her guess scared me off my feet, “Umm” I paused. I didn’t want to tell her the truth and I didn’t want to lie either. “I’m ok,” I said, not knowing what else to say that wasn’t a lie or the truth.

“You pregnant aren’t you?”

“Umm,” I said speechless.

“Girl you can’t fool a mother, I was acting just like that when I first got pregnant.”

“How was it having the baby?” I asked curiously.

“It was something I wouldn’t trade for nothing.”

“Wow.”

I really wanted to talk to her now, since she has lived what I’m about to go through. “Can I talk to you in private please?” I said.

“Sure. Hey Rosie, we will be right back.”

“Ok,” said Rosie as we made our way to the back of the building.

“I hope they not mad at us for leaving.”

“Girl they will be fine, trust me.”

“Ok, you’re right about me being pregnant.”

“I knew it, congrats girl!” she said with a smile.

“Thank you. But at first, I wasn’t planning to keep the baby. I’m supposed to be getting rid of it next week.”

“You and the baby daddy?” she said curiously.

“He doesn’t even know I’m pregnant. I was supposed to be going with my best friend. But I don’t want to go through with it. And I don’t know how to tell her, since she has been there for me from the beginning.”

“Ok, here is a question for you?” she said.

“What is it?”

“What do YOU really want?” she asked.

“I...I want to keep it,” I said, still a little unsure of my own decision.

“Then that’s all that matters. Keep your baby because YOU want to. Don’t make your decision based on what somebody else thinks you should do.”

Her question and comment opened my eyes. Her question made me think about myself, about what I want, not about anybody else.

“You’re right. I’m just going to have to find a way to tell her I’m keeping the baby.”

“There is no other way around it, just tell her. If she is your friend she will support your decision.”

“Ok, thank you for taking the time to talk to me. Now I feel a lot better about my decision.”

“You should. And remember, babies are gifts from God. He wouldn’t bless you with a child if he didn’t know you were ready.”

“You’re right and thank you,” I said as I hugged her with a little relief, knowing I still have to face Kira and tell her my decision, hoping she will embrace it.

I went back to her place that night feeling like it wasn’t the right time to tell her.  The days went by quickly as I fought back the guilt regarding my decision and the right time to tell her didn’t come for me until we were half way to the clinic.

“I’m not going through with the abortion,” I said nervously, like I was doing something wrong.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to have an abortion,” I said.

Kira hits the brakes in the middle of the road so hard that I hit my head on the glass. My first instinct was to hold my stomach for my baby’s protection.

“Oh my God Kira,” I said as I adjusted back in my seat. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me, but I’m kind of attached now,” I said as I looked into her face, which was now completely different.

She did not look like the sweet, warm hearted Kira I knew. She became somebody who I was now afraid of at that moment.

“So you telling me you keeping it?” she said, while we were still in the middle of the road.

“Can you please move out of the road first, please,” I said calmly.

She moved to the side of the road and continued, with no emotion in her tone; “So now what are you saying?”

“I don’t want to kill my baby.”

“Girl are you fucking crazy?” she said with anger, “Do you know what will happen if you keep this baby? I mean what the fuck?”

I was too afraid at this point to get my point across to her as to why I wanted to keep my baby. I was now feeling guilty based on her reaction.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, beginning to tear up.

“Sorry don’t help this situation right now!”

I sat silent feeling very uncomfortable, not knowing what I was supposed to say to make her accept the decision I had made for myself.

“So what are you going to do?”

“I still want to keep it,” I said hoping she decided to accept my decision.

“Good for you, but that is not what I meant. What are you going to do about staying now? I mean I can’t help you anymore if you trying to keep this baby, knowing that we both made a plan to get rid of it so you could have your life back. And I cannot be sneaking you back and forth to my room knowing you’re still pregnant. It just wouldn’t work.”

I inhaled and exhaled as my heart ached.

“I understand and I know you have my best interest at heart. I thank you for letting me stay at your house, knowing it wasn’t easy sneaking me back and forth. But I really wish you would rejoice with me for this decision I’ve made for myself and let me stay with you for a few weeks, at least to get more money for my apartment, please,” I pleaded, with the hope that my little speech had somehow convinced her.

“Sorry I can’t,” she said as I slowly took a gaze at her not knowing what else to say.

She looked hurt. I was unsure if her pain was caused from my betrayal or because she was making a decision to kick me out. I accepted her decision not wanting to make it more painful than it already was.

“Thank you,” I said as I slowly got out of the car and watched my best friend zoom past me without looking back as I stood at that location for over an hour hoping she would come back. She never returned so a motel was my next option which didn’t go as bad as I thought. I felt a little free living on my own without having to hide when I hear a voice that wasn’t from Kira. I became a workaholic coming in and out from my motel room without having to watch my back. I knew I needed a stable place before I gave birth, but working so much did not allow me to focus on getting a place. All I could focus on was buying baby clothes when I found out I was having a baby girl and thought about naming her after my late grandmother Ella.

I worked nine months thinking she was not coming any time soon until my water broke at work. I thought I peed on myself until it hit me out of nowhere as the sharp pain brought me down to my knees.

“Oh my God, her water just broke,” a customer said as all the employees and managers rushed to me at once.

“Call the ambulance,” my manager said as one of the employees ran to the phone and immediately dialed 911.

I stayed down with my hands on my stomach screaming as the pain spread throughout my body. I thought my baby and I was going to die because I had no idea how labor felt. My mother told me nothing; instead she would drink her life away and expect me to know it all. I didn’t expect that having a baby would feel this bad, hell I didn’t know how it was supposed to feel, because I was told by no one. All I heard was giving birth was a beautiful feeling. But there was nothing beautiful with the pain that constantly paralyzed my body. I was surrounded by my customers, employees and managers who did nothing but say, “Hang in there, the ambulance is almost here.”

My mouth was full without words; but pain as I shrieked and screamed but the pain didn’t decrease. Once the ambulance came, they rushed me to the hospital as they got me ready for labor. My life flashed before my eyes when I started to push. I tried pushing slowly so my baby wouldn’t be harmed and yet I was in great pain that no words could describe.

“Ma’am you have to push as hard as you can please.”

“I can’t…” I screamed feeling the pain all over me thinking this is the end of me.

“You have to for the sake of your child.”

Hearing that helped convince me to keep pushing and ignore the pain I was feeling. I kept pushing as hard as I could, the pain was unbearable, the tension in the room was too much to handle but I kept going for my child. My eyes opened wide as I froze feeling something forcing its way out of my vagina.

“What’s going on?” I screamed with pain, “Is my baby ok?”

“Relax ma’am, your baby is almost here, take a deep breath and push.”

I did as the doctor ordered and kept pushing until she came completely out.  The sound of her voice soothed my heart as I passed out without getting the chance to see and hold my child I just gave birth to. I woke up feeling drowsy, then fell back to sleep and had a nightmare that somebody stole my child while I was sleeping. I forced my eyes open and my child wasn’t around. I jumped out of the bed and the needle from the IV pulled its way out of me and I looked around with panic saying, “Where is my child?” to a nurse sitting behind the large desk.

“Excuse me?” the nurse said with confusion on her face, which made me panic even more. I turned around ready to look for my child as another nurse behind me took a grip of my hand, “Calm down ma’am, you ok?”

“Where is my baby?” I screamed, “Where?”

“Ma’am if you calm down, we can gladly show you where your child is.”

“Ok,” I couldn’t really calm down because I still hadn’t seen my child yet. I accompanied the nurses around the hospital praying my child was somewhere inside the hospital. We got to the nursery room as the nurse pointed out my child who was sleeping so peacefully which put my heart at ease. The nurse saw the peace in my eyes and asked, “What’s her name?”