Sadie's Mountain (3 page)

“Sadie, darlin’, are you in there?” I closed my eyes and my lips trembled. We both heard as Dillon’s footsteps moved away from the shed.

Donnie relaxed the knife a bit. “I’ve been a’ waitin’ for my chance. You think you can run around teasin’ me wearin’ clothes like this.” He yanked the bottom hem of my summer dress and then hastily pushed it up above my hips.

 I was like a statue. I couldn’t move. Slowly, so agonizingly slow, he pushed his huge bear-like paw into my panties and down toward my forbidden zone.

I tried to move away as my stomach turned upside down. He started to gnaw greedily on my neck under my left ear. I tried to squeeze my thighs together but his fingers pushed their way in. He sucked his teeth and hissed. My hands curled up in cringing fists as I burned in a way I’d never imagined.

This can’t be real!
was all I could think as I looked around for a way out.

“Oh, yessssss,” he whispered. “See, yer wet for me. I know you want it. It’ll feel good, I promise.”

Wet? What?
I shook my head no and the blade pinched again. It was as if he was trying to seduce me.

And then he switched, “I’m gonna fuck you so hard you never gonna want that little pussy brother a’ mine agin.”

My heart fell into my stomach like someone dropping a hammer on the floor.

“Sadie, please, baby. Come on. I’m sorry. It’s gettin’ dark. Let me take you home!” Dillon yelled, in a panicked voice, but he was much farther away now—almost an echo of a memory.

If I could only get out of here my Dillon could save me. He loves me. Then it hit me. He’s not going to want me after what his brother’s going to do to me.

My fear over this, over the thought that Dillon wouldn’t want me anymore, filled me with a rumble of adrenaline. I shoved Donnie’s heavy frame away, pushed back against the bags of feed with my back, and kicked him in his stomach as hard as I could. The knife scraped across my neck for just a brief second and I almost screamed but before I could, Donnie punched me in the gut causing the air to leave my whole body.

 I was doubled over, mouth opening like a fish needing water. I couldn’t breathe. Before I could do or say anything, he turned me around and slammed my face into the bags of feed. Then he kicked my feet apart one at a time with his dirty boots.

I heard the sound of his zipper, and then he pulled my panties with his knife, tearing them off me, and viciously ripped into me robbing me, in that moment, of my choices, of my virtue, of my future, of the girl I once was and never would be again. That girl died right then.

I caught my breath and cried out, “No!”

“Shut the fuck up!” he whispered through gritted teeth as he grabbed my face and pinched my mouth shut.

 I tried to straighten my back. But with his knife-hand he pulled me up by my stomach, my feet left the ground with my legs dangling, and he pushed me back onto himself as I gasped and clawed at the bags in front of me.

His fist and the handle of the knife pushed into my belly. I was pinned in place as my cringing fists pressed against the bags of feed. He covered my mouth with his other hand, jabbing his fingernails into my face as he set my feet back on the ground.

He moaned deep in his throat and thrashed into me again, piercing me with pain, but I couldn’t make a sound. Screams were stuck in my throat. “Yer so tight,” he hissed in my ear, twisting his pelvis around and around.

I screwed my eyes shut to take my thoughts upward on my body. A tearing, slicing pain shot through me. It was more than I could take. But I was powerless to stop it. Helpless.

“So. Sweet. Just. Like. I. Knew. You’d. Be,” he mumbled into my ear while he slowly sunk farther into me—relishing me. “This is mine,” he claimed, as I felt something warm trickle down my right leg.

I hurt so badly. I thought he was ripping me in two—in a way he was.
There was her, and now there is only me. 

Tears were forcing themselves down my face onto his hand and I had a lump in my throat from the screams that were stuck there. I felt his feet slide farther apart pushing mine with his, forcing them wider. He tilted his pelvis and pushed my chest into the bags of feed. “Stay still or I’ll cut you agin,” he admonished, his voice strained.

I didn’t move. I couldn’t have anyway. I was like a dead butterfly pinned into one of those glass boxes. My legs were restrained with his feet, he held my stomach with his knife hand, the blade of the knife engraved my pale flesh before he let go.

He grabbed my hair, pulling my head back and slammed into me over and over. A deep, pummeling rhythm ensued with his crass grunts and my pained breaths as a static background.

 I remember the strangest things from this moment. The smell of the bags of feed, as he pushed my chin into them, they smelled sweet and nourishing and reminded me of my horses. Then I looked up at the dust in the shed as it was being highlighted by what was left of the sunlight shining in through the slabs of wood in a strand of air right above my head. The dust sparkled and performed until it disappeared.

Then in the dark, my thoughts turned to Dillon not wanting me anymore. I could actually see Dillon’s image, his ocean blue eyes gleaming at me as if he was standing near a clear lake and then it rippled and he disappeared—I was alone.

He’s never going to love me now
.

Then I thought about momma saying babies come from sex. I had an image of myself with a pooched out tummy over my Daddy’s knee getting whipped with his belt for being with child—a hussy.

I pinched my eyes shut and pretended my body was not my own.
Please, dear God. Just take me now. Forgive me of my sins
. If I wasn’t in this body anymore he couldn’t hurt me. I wished I was dead. But I couldn’t scream so he’d make it that way.

Thankfully, numbness took over then. I became just a husk as if a bucket of Novocain was poured over me. He was just mounting this shell of my body. It wasn’t me anymore. I was thankful for my answered prayer.

Vaguely, I remember him slamming into me one more time, stilling, tensing, and then quivering as he pulled my hair back tilting my chin to the ceiling. His whole body went lax and he leaned his full weight on my back— heavy, like a burden that never goes away.

He was still inside me. I could feel
it
throbbing and twitching like a rattlesnake’s tail between my stretched thighs. His breath was sporadic—foul on my cheek. My neck was warm with blood. The front of my chest felt cold as he stepped out letting my legs go. I winced as we separated, tucking my behind under me like a whipped dog.

I moved quickly over to the wall and leaned my left side against the shed wishing I’d disappear. I was watching him out of one eye as he touched his now limp weapon as if he was proud of what it had done for him. He shoved it into his underwear, pulled his pants up and zipped the crotch closed.

He squatted down to fetch my ripped panties, put them up to his nose and sniffed them like a dog imprinting a scent before he put them in his pocket.

As soon as he straightened up, he pushed me, pressing my face hard against the wall and put his mouth to my ear. “If you tell anybody, I’ll cut yer stupid head off and bury it in my god-damned yard. That’d be better than seeing you with
him
anyways.”

I just closed my eyes.
Bide my time.

“Say it!”

“I won’t tell.” My voice sounded fast and shaky like a salt and pepper shaker in his hand. He laughed and if I could have been anymore shocked —I was. I waited as he breathed me in.

“I’m the first. Ain’t I?”

I couldn’t speak.

“Ain’t I?” he pressed.

I nodded my head yes.

“And the last,” he stated.

I just stood there, shivering.

Please, just go away.

What he’d done to me combined with his words attached themselves inside my brain like a virus that impregnates its host with its diseased atoms and molecules. Deep in there where nothing could remove it and it has room to grow and multiply.

He leaned into my side with his now tamed hips and moved my hair away from my face. “I didn’t wanna hurt you. It’s always a little rough the first time, baby. I’ll be gentler next time.” Bile rose in my throat so I held my breath.

“You ‘member this. I ain’t sharin’you with
him.
This is mine now,” he said, his face a shadow or a demon as he cupped me between my thighs and flicked at me with his finger, growled, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked.

“You taste like me,” he said. I stood there silently, hating him with the tiny pieces left in me that weren’t broken.

I felt his fingers move up to my mouth as he rubbed something wet all over my face. I heard his words. They just didn’t make sense to me. It rattled around in my brain not making contact with reason. He scowled in the shadows of the moon, and shook me with both arms. “Say it. Whose is this?” His voice sounded like a hail storm on a tin roof.

“Yours,” I said, defeated.

“You better not do nothin’ like that with my brother agin. I swear to god. I’ll kill him, too.”

“I won’t. I promise.” I sounded like a robot.

He smacked me hard on my behind and grabbed it. “Good girl,” he said, while he squeezed.

 I can still hear those words sometimes when I close my eyes at night. Sometimes I hear it when I’m grown up and some poor soul tries to make love to me.
“Good girl.”

Then he kissed me on my neck just under my ear—softly this time, as if he was my lover and not my rapist.

“I love you, always have,” he whispered into my ear. It took everything in me that was strong not to scratch at his face with my nails. I closed my eyes and waited. I heard him pull the piece of wood from the door, it creaked open and all was silent.

My legs were shaking. I wiped my bloody mouth on my daddy’s denim jacket and watched the door with my uncovered eye. My knees were touching and my ankles were pointed out.

Go!
I told myself, and darted out of that shed as fast as I could.
What if he comes back for round two?

I ran and ran for seconds, minutes, hours, I have no idea. I ran until my legs gave out and I fell into a moss patch under nothing but the starry sky. And then I started throwing up. I threw up until there was nothing left inside of me and I was heaving emptiness—kind of like my spirit.

It was so dark and cold. I’d never felt so alone in all my life until then.
What just happened to me?
I touched my neck. It felt jagged and warm. I felt so odd, as if everything around me was in slow motion but it wasn’t. My heartbeat was fast but so weak that it hurt and suddenly I was so very tired, and for a brief moment I wondered where I was and why I was there.

I started crying, deep, and guttural. My skin was damp and clammy; my limbs were tingling. I was breathing fast, but the breaths were shallow and I felt like I was suffocating. There was a strange sensation as if I had to go to the bathroom, something came out of me and I wiped my behind. It was slimy and smelled like cut grass and shards of metal. I wiped my hand on the spongy moss and decided I had to get up and make my way toward the sounds of Rich Creek.

This is where my memory becomes unclear. I remember parts but not all: I followed the sound of the creek, falling at times when my legs and arms got too heavy. I’d reach up to branches and pull myself up as if the water would be a panacea—a cure all. I could think of nothing else as I stumbled into the freezing creek and stung my neck and between my legs with water. I couldn’t keep my eyes open—my eyelids felt like steel weights.

I was spitting up water and I was so thirsty for air that I gasped.

“Oh, God. Sadie,” Dillon said. I was on the shore with rocks poking into my back. I couldn’t see his face but he was breathing fast and he was shaking as he leaned over me. He picked me up in his arms and hugged me so tight he felt like a vice. “Sadie, Sadie,” he cried into my ear.

“Dillon?” I rasped.

“Hold on, Sadie. I’ve got you,” he whispered, through hitched breaths as he effortlessly stood up and started walking with me draped over his arms like a wet towel. He was so warm against my cold body.
I’m safe.
I put my arms around his neck and tried not to slip away again.

“You won’t want me no more,” I said, tearfully.

“Hush, baby. I’ve loved you all your life. That won’t stop for nothing.”

“I died. He killed her,” I said, breathy. I was so exhausted.