Saint Jude: Los Angeles Bad Boys (8 page)

W
hat are the odds
? I mean, I understand Evangeline coming by last night—but really, Cassius and her showing up here this morning? It’s not that I don’t want to see one of my best friends—Cash is a great guy and Evie is my cousin—but whatever’s going on between Cat and me is fucking real.

If I hadn’t been interrupted just now, I would have told her everything—told her about my little brother, told her how I messed things up so bad and how all I want to do now is make things right. So, yeah, I help people. I try to fix things. I let women like Rachel into my life and I don’t kick them out, even when I have a hundred and ten reasons why I should.

Because, damn it, I want my brother back. And since I know that isn’t happening this side of heaven, I do my damnedest to make sure no one’s going through hell under my watch. Never again.

What’s up, man?” Cassius asks, bumping my fist, giving Cat a tight nod. Obviously Evangeline told him about Cat and me last night. “Look what we’ve got. Holden’s baby sister out here, hanging out with this douchecanoe.”

He’s talking to Cat, but she doesn’t look interested. The moment these two showed up, she got busy with the stroller, finding a bottle, covering Etta in a blanket, not meeting either of our eyes.

“Cat, I’m just messing with you,” Cassius says.

“It’s ok,” Cat says coolly. “I know you like to dish it, Cash. But I just don’t want this all to get back to my brother and I have a feeling it’s going to. So, yeah, the timing isn’t that great. Jude and I were having a nice walk.”

“Nice walk?” Cash asks, laughing. “That’s what you kids are calling it these days?”

“Kids?” I say, jutting out my chin. “I think I can handle my business, bro.”

“Dude, just messing with you.” Cassius shakes his head. “Evie and I were just getting brunch; you want to join us?”

“No,” Catalina says quickly.

I turn to look at her, trying to read whatever is going on in her face. I’m not quite sure why she doesn’t feel the vibe with Evie or Cash, but I respect it.

“Okay,” Evie says, taking a step back. “What’s with the mean girl vibes?”

“It’s not
mean girl vibes
, Evie. It’s just hella awkward, and I’m not going to pretend it isn’t. Before I go to brunch with you and Cash, I should probably have a conversation with my brother. Or my mom.” She looks at me, shaking her head. “You know what, maybe this is all going to get out of control. Jude and I were just having a good time. I was not intending it to become, like, this whole thing with all of his friends and everyone up in my business.
Our
business.”

I nod slowly, realizing Cat is uncomfortable as hell—and I don’t exactly blame her. This whole thing with Rachel is still so unsettled; it’s not the time for me to be hooking up with my best friend’s little sister.

I like that Cat says what she thinks to Evie. It surprises me, too, because she seemed so closed off when I met her before. Everything Holden has mentioned about Cat revolves around her lack of motivation, her tightlipped non-story about whatever caused her to move to LA.

Maybe I’m a fucking ass to think that I can get her to open up, to break out of her shell… but a major part of me wants to try and figure her out.

Besides, I’m not ready to end this hook-up, or whatever you call it. Not even close.

“Look,” I tell my friends. “Etta needs to get home, and Cat and I just ran out for coffees.” I raise my paper cup as if proving that statement. Like I need an alibi to be strolling the boardwalk.

“That’s cool, bro,” Cash says. “Just let us know when you’re ready to hang out. Evie told me what’s going on with you and Rachel. It’s kind of cold not to tell your friends when shit like that goes down, don’t you think?”

“Look, I’m not ready to talk about Rachel. At all.”

“Okay,” Evie says, rolling her eyes. “But you know, distractions won’t solve your problems. They’ll just amplify them.”

“I’m standing right here, Evie,” Catalina says. “And nobody is looking to solve problems today. Jude and I were getting coffee. We were taking Etta for a walk. As friends. Hell, you should go tell my brother that. He’s the one who’s been annoyed that I’ve been holed up in his house the last six months. Fuck, I’m getting a life.”

“Yeah, with Jude. As if that’s who you should be spending time with.” Evangeline huffs, crossing her arms.

“Why are you being like this?” Cat asks, sounding incredulous. “I thought we were cool.”

“Cool?” Evie sighs. “Rachel and I were friends.
Are
friends. You wouldn’t understand, Cat. Rachel doesn’t just float through life, and have a brother who can fix her problems, who lets her just flounder for months on end. And yeah, it kinda pisses me off that you’re sleeping with Jude two weeks after Rachel leaves. And Jude, I think it’s kind of messed up that you’re even willing to go along with this.”

“Go along with this?” Cat asks. “Are you kidding me right now? You know nothing about me. You’re judging me? Rachel left, but somehow I’m the villain in the story?”

“I didn’t say you were the villain, I just said you were jumping Jude’s bones. And he’s just trying to survive right now. The timing is a little questionable.”

“Questionable?” I ask, getting pretty pissed off at Evie’s tone with Cat. I’m not Cat’s boyfriend or anything, but she doesn’t deserve to be talked to this way. “Evie, you need to seriously back down. Cat is not doing anything wrong here. I invited her over to my house last night. I invited her out for coffee today.
Me
. So if you want to get pissed off at someone, get pissed off at me. But do not put your shit on Catalina.”

I feel Cat’s eyes on me, and I know I said the right thing. Reading her body language, I can tell she’s ready to get the hell out of here and get back to my house.

Baby
, I think,
I’ll take you there
.

“Sorry,” Evie says, stepping back. “I know I’m getting a little intense about all of this. And that’s not fair to you, Cat. Or you, Jude. I’m just worried about Rachel. And I’m worried about you, Jude. And Etta. When I needed help, you helped me—you got me a place to live with Holden, and you completely had my back with my dad. You’re the only family I have. I mean”—she looks up at Cassius, smiling softly—“mostly. But you
are
my only cousin. And I care about you. I hate seeing you hurt, I hate seeing your pattern—”

“My pattern?” I ask.

“Yeah, your pattern … with women. Rachel was always a mess, and the girls before that—Lindy, Julia, I don’t even know how many others. Just a long line of girls who all needed you to save them.”

“I don’t need saving,” Cat says.

But even I don’t believe her words. Even I know the truth: Cat does need someone to save her, to pull her out of whatever she’s stuck in. I just hate the way Evangeline is pointing it out so clearly. So publicly.

“Okay, so you don’t need saving, Cat.” Evie shrugs, lacing her fingers through Cassius’s. “What do you need? Because all I see is a girl who is lost.”

There’s not much to say to that. Evie clearly has no interest in tiptoeing around any conversation today, and in a lot of ways I appreciate that transparency, but not at the cost of Cat, who has tears brimming in her eyes. She swallows hard, and looks as if she’s drowning in her own story.

“Evie,” Cash says, shaking his head ever so slightly. “I think that’s enough, babe.”

I know Evie’s not trying to be a total bitch, that for some reason her instincts tell her to warn me, and I should be grateful to have family like that. Like her.

But her truth doesn’t make my reality any easier.

The four of us turn towards Etta, who’s now awake and kicking off her blanket and cooing happily.

We say good-bye, and Cat and I begin walking back to my place silently, pushing the stroller. Feels like this hook-up just got hella heavy.

Still, there’s not an ounce of me that wants it to end.

I
know
Jude and I talked all morning about the potential quickie later that day … but after we saw Evangeline and Cassius, the mood changed. Things feel heavy and intense, and I just need some time to think.

And, to be completely honest, I don’t want to be a burden to Jude. That’s the last thing he needs right now.

When we get back to his place, I tell him I’m going to head out.

“Really?” he asks, unbuckling Etta from her stroller and carrying her inside.

I trail behind them. “Yeah. It’s not personal, I swear. It’s just … after that conversation with Evie, even though I know she apologized … it stung. And—”

“Do you always run when you’re hurt?” Jude looks at me, and I feel like my answer is going to change things for us, forever.

I know how he feels right now about girls who run. The truth is, I have no intention of staying. He’s standing here in the foyer of his house, with his baby. He is completely out of my league.

I’m not the girl for him. I was barely a hook-up for him. And I know that staying here, giving in to another afternoon with him, is just going to bring more drama to his life. Drama with my brother, with my family, with his family. He doesn’t need that.

What Jude needs right now is stability. And maybe a nanny.

But not me.

“I don’t always run, but I would be lying if I told you that wasn’t why I ended up in LA. Maybe Evangeline is right. Maybe I am bad news. And you don’t need that right now. Etta doesn’t need that right now. Right now, I think I might be the sort of distraction that isn’t so good.”

Jude walks toward me, his daughter in his arms. She’s fussing now, not in a totally hysterical way but in an I’m-ready-for-some-attention way.

“I don’t want you to go. I don’t give a fuck what Evie says. She’s my cousin, not my mother. And even if she were, it wouldn’t matter. I don’t ask permission. I do what I motherfucking want.”

“That’s the thing though, Jude—I operate the same way. I do what I want.”

“And right now you want to go?” Jude looks at me, clearly not believing a word I say.

“Yeah,” I tell him. “I do. I think it’s best.”

“Since when do you do what’s best? What happened to the Catalina from last night, the girl who was looking for trouble?”

“It’s a new day. Maybe it’s the day I start getting my shit together.”

“You don’t need to do that for me.” Jude shakes his head.

“I know. You haven’t asked me for anything.”

“You haven’t asked me for anything, either,” Jude says.

“Then we’re even.”

“I don’t get what just happened,” Jude runs a hand through his hair. “I thought we were having a really good time.”

“We were. But Jude, I think you deserve better than that.”

“Better than you? Besides, I thought you said this was just a hook-up.”

I feel like he’s testing me, like this is another question I need to answer correctly.

Would he actually push me away? It seems like he’s the sort of man who’s never pushed anyone away in his entire life. He pulls everyone in, like his duty is to take care of them.

“I’ve gotta go,” I tell him. “Let me know if you need anything, or want to get a cup of coffee some other time. Take Etta for a walk. I’m game for that.”

“Just not an afternoon quickie? Or not staying when the conversation gets complicated?”

“I think my answer, today, is both.” I readjust my purse on my shoulder, and lean over to give Etta a kiss on the cheek. Then, without thinking, I lift my chin and kiss Jude squarely on the mouth. Because I want to. Because I think he needs me to.

But mostly, because I can’t bear to tell him good-bye for good.

* * *

L
ater
, I’m in the guesthouse, my laptop open in my lap, when Holden walks in.

“Hey,” I say, keeping my eyes on the screen. This sub-reddit has sucked me in, and I’ve been lost in the vortex of forums for hours, reading threads on single dads and taking care of babies and dating brothers’ best friends.

As if message board answers are the shit that could solve my problems.

“You didn’t come home last night,” Holden says.

“No, I didn’t.”

“You want to tell me where you went?”

“Nope. I do not.” I look up at him and smile widely. Obnoxiously. Like a little sister.

“Okay, if that’s how it’s going to be.” Holden rolls his eyes.

“Stop being so weird. I can have a life here. Isn’t that all you’ve been hoping for the last six months? I got one. I have things to do, people to see.”

“Yet it’s a gorgeous afternoon in Los Angeles, and you’re in your bedroom in sweatpants on your computer.”

“Oh, let me guess, you and Bexley have some amazing plans to go surfing or a jog or to go pick out a dog at the animal shelter.”

“No, I was just wondering if you want to go out for lunch. Bexley and I were going to swing by Jude’s and see what the hell is up with them. He hasn’t been around much. And then we’re headed down the coast. We got a room at a bed and breakfast.”

My cheeks burn, and I look back down at my computer screen, avoiding my brother’s gaze.

“Yeah, thanks for asking, but I’m going to pass.” Twisting my lips, I think on my feet. “Hey, but let’s see if Mom wants to do dinner with us one night this week.”

“Really? You want to plan a family dinner?”

“Yeah, if you’re paying.” I smile. This time it’s real.

It feels good, to be honest with him about something.

* * *

L
ater
, in bed, I think about Jude. Think about him putting his daughter to sleep tonight. Think about what it would be like if I was at his house right now.

Mid-thought, my phone buzzes. For a stupid second I think it might be him. Maybe he’s thinking about me. Maybe he and Holden got into a weird conversation that mentioned his sex life. Maybe everything is a disaster and I’m in the center of it.

Instead, I see the text is from Yuri.

Yuri –
I’m in LA. I want to see you.

Me –
that’s not going to happen
.

Yuri –
I’m sick of you thinking you can tell me what to do. I’m going to see you, you know you’ve missed me.

I close my eyes, hating the way Yuri talks to me. Like he owns me. Like he knows me. Like he means something to me besides a bad decision. Lots of bad decisions.

Me –
no. I’m done with you. Told you that plenty of times please stop calling me.

Yuri –
you don’t get to tell me what to do. I know what’s best for you, baby.

This is the reason I should’ve told people about Yuri a long time ago. I wouldn’t have gotten so deep, wouldn’t have gone to a place I had no business being, in a place I never wanted to go.

Yuri –
I see, you’re going to freeze me out. Not answer my texts. Fine. But I know where you are. I know where you sleep. I know you are living with your brother. Why don’t you introduce us?

I drop the phone on my bed, my skin crawling, not liking his tone. Knowing that if I’m getting this creeped out via text, it would only get worse if it were in person.

The phone buzzes again. I want to throw it out the window, but also want to know what it says. So that I can make a decision, a smart one.

Yuri –
I’m coming for you and I’m going to kiss you good night.

I hear the door to the guesthouse open. My worst nightmare has just stepped inside.