Sarah Mine (12 page)

“Even after all the shit. Ask me your first question again, Billy.”

“How were you able to forgive Ally?”

My brother stood up and squeezed my hand. “Same way Sarah is able to forgive you, kid. Come inside, Hill. Time to stop running. And stop giving my wife shit for her mistakes or I will take you down.” Jax snagged the handle to the carrier and walked inside, the front door open behind him.

Switching the camera setting to view mode, I panned back a few pictures and stared down at the headstone. My thumb hovered then I hit the delete button. The previous photo was Sarah lying in her bed, asleep as she had been that morning. She had my camera. I was going to go back for it. It was my lifeline.

Just like her. I powered off the camera, grabbed my bag and followed my big brother inside. If anyone could help me get my shit together, it was going to be Jax. Fixing my life was, after all, his hobby.

This was going to suck.

Jax’s life lessons always did.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Sarah

I felt a little nauseous as I followed the tidy sidewalk to the door. Nerves were a powerful thing. Before I could ring the doorbell, I spotted the note that said to use the back door. With a little sigh of exhaustion, I walked around the side of the house. I could hear the water and there was a tug of envy. Even though I lived in a town along the Georgia Strait, I didn’t get to see the water. This house way on the other side of the strait had one hell of a view.

The deck was monstrous. Huge. Oh, what I could do with a view like this. It was way more inspiring than the one of my fence. Every morning I could sit on the railing and draw. I yearned for this view.

When I looked away, I saw the bare feet first. Crossed at the ankles and resting on the railing. That’s when I knew.

Sneaky Deverauxs.

Hill was sprawled in a chair, watching me, his camera aimed at me. The camera I had forgotten about because of nerves. Very sneaky. “You broke into my house?”

“Breaking and entering is such a harsh term. Did you know Jax had a key?”

No, I hadn’t known that. Sneaky Deverauxs. “Is there even a barbecue?”

I had known when Jax had casually mentioned a barbecue that I would see Hill. There was a fine line between what I was more nervous about: seeing him or being part of the art show.

His lips curled in the bad boy grin I knew so well. “Of course. Smile, baby.” Even from the slight distance between us, I heard the shutter click as I glanced down. He lowered his feet and uncurled from his slouch. As he walked toward me, my heartbeat grew a little faster and a little louder. “
That
is really annoying. Hi,” he said as his hand cupped the back of my head and he gave me a slow, thorough kiss that left me breathless.

“Hi,” I whispered back. He looked good. He had gotten a hair cut and his eyes didn’t look haunted. I caressed his cheek then rose up on my toes to kiss him again. “Sneaky, William. Very sneaky.”

He smiled against my mouth. “I have my moments.”

I smacked his shoulder then impulsively threw my arms around him. “I missed you,” I whispered, half afraid to vocalize my feelings. But I had. Every day since he had left his camera behind, I had missed him, looking for his stupid boots resting on my railing. Two months, I thought. Two long months.

No phone calls, no emails, nothing but that camera telling me he’d be back. Not for the camera. For me. Arms wrapped around me, holding me close. Maybe, just maybe, he had missed me too. The thought made me smile even as my heart fluttered nervously.

“I had some things to do. I sent the pictures in,” he said. “I thought about what you said, and Jax is always good for bossing me around. I sent them in, because
he
deserved more than to stay on my laptop.”

I nodded, rubbing his back, knowing Jax wasn’t the
he
Hill was referring to. It didn’t surprise me that he had done something with his photos. “Good.”

“I turned down another assignment though. I had some shit to do. Can I show you?”

Nodding, I let him take my hand, and we walked into the house. It was a little bare furniture-wise. A couple of bar stools at the breakfast counter, a leather couch with a coffee table covered in photos. “Those are yours,” I said as I caught a glimpse of the pictures. I studied the pictures.

“Yes.”

I picked up a picture, my eyebrow rising because it was a photo of me. One he had taken of me undressing. They were, I realized, all of me, except one. It was an iron sign arching over a gate, a declaration of ownership while saying keep out. I ran my finger over the name Deveraux. “I went to the funeral.”

“Why?”

Jax had been there too. A quiet figure sitting on a pew who watched and listened to them talk about the great things Big Jack Deveraux had done. There was no greatness in the man. “Because he’s dead and he can’t hurt you anymore. Any of you.”

“Sarah,” he said softly, pressing his lips against the back of my neck. “I thought of going. Nothing good would have come of it.”

“No more
fuck you
to him?”

“No more. He’s not worth it.”

I turned to face him. “You really
did
get your shit together didn’t you? Did William Hilton Deveraux grow up on me?” He grinned and gave me a kiss, before he plucked the photo away and tossed it back onto the table. Then he pinched my ass.

“No.”

“Oh, thank God.”

There were boxes stacked up against the wall. All of them were titled and dated. I recognized the locations from some of his shoots. Were those boxes filled with photos? Some framed photos of little girls were on the wall. I recognized Ava and Elise, and assumed the other girls were Matt’s. That made me smile. He had family pictures up.

“This used to be Jax’s place,” Hill said, heading downstairs. His fingers entwined with mine. “Before the new house was finished.” He turned and leaned his back against a door. “He’s letting me rent while the paperwork goes through. It’s going to be mine.”

A home. He had a home. Leaning forward, I lightly kissed him. “No more hotels?” I wondered if that had always been Jax’s plan: to give his wayward younger brother a home. Considering the way Jax could plan, I had no doubt.

“No more hotels. I need a place to…come back to. ”

That made my heart clench. Not my place?

“So I’ve spent the past couple of weeks getting to know my brothers again. I’ve got some pretty cool sisters too. Mostly, though, I’ve been getting my shit together. This used to be the family room,” he said softly, staring at me. “I’ve made a few changes. I took away some of the square footage and put in a dark room. But I realized something when I was with you.”

I liked that he had a dark room. I liked that a lot. But he would come back here and not to me. “What?”

“You need more light, Sarah mine.” He twisted the doorknob and his weight on the door swung open. I stared. The view. The wall was all window and looked out at that water view he had on the deck. The other walls were a soft yellow, the hardwood floors were stained dark and glistened under the lights. A sketchbook sat on the floor and I walked over to it. It was the same one I used; a box of the markers I preferred sat on top. Both were new. It was so easy to imagine my studio in here. There was a door across the room with a light above it. His dark room. And this, I thought as my heart pounded hard and fast with excitement, was
my
studio.

He stood behind me, a warm presence at my back. “I told you,” he whispered against my ear, “I would come for you.”

This was overwhelming. Reaching up, I gripped his forearms as I leaned against him, gazing out the windows to his impressive view. “This is for me?”

“Just like the barbecue tonight. I once asked you why you didn’t leave Pierce Point if you’re so unhappy there. Why? Tell me why, Sarah?”

I turned away from the water. He had seen my demons laid out on my studio floor. He had shown me his with that photo. I always knew when something bad was going to show up in a magazine or newspaper, because Hill showed up at my door. Reaching up, I traced his eyebrow. “How would you find me if I wasn’t there?” I met his gaze and took a deep breath. “Would you even try?”

He sighed. “You gotta stop assuming I’m a total asshole, Sarah. It’s hell on our relationship.”

The word made something tighten in my chest as I focused on his chin. “Is that what we have?”

His hands gripped my hips and he lowered his forehead to rest against mine. “Sarah,” he said softly. “You’re about to show the world the shadows in your eyes, ones I helped put there. Stop hiding from
me
. You know all my shit, more than anyone on this planet. So, why are you always hiding you from me?”

Because he had the power to hurt me in ways no one could. I plucked at the front of his shirt. My father’s fists, the way everyone called me Hill Deveraux’s whore hurt, but not like he could, because I didn’t love them. “Hill,” I whispered as my vision blurred.

“I have no photos of you looking at me, Sarah. Trust me, I’ve looked over the past few months. Not. One. Why?”

A tear slid down my cheek as I rubbed the soft fabric between my fingers. His camera was magic; it revealed truths. Oh, what he could have done to me if he had seen what the pictures would show him.

“Even now when I took your picture. Now, when I’ve seen what haunts you, what makes you strong. You still fucking hide from me.” He didn’t shout the last words but I knew he wanted to. Hands cupped my face and he tilted my head back.

“I have these dreams where I’m standing in front of that fucking headstone only there’s a date and it’s almost four years old because I was too late. I wake up and I can’t breathe, Sarah. I can’t breathe and you’re not beside me. I fear that maybe it wasn’t a dream, that maybe you’re dead and the actual dream was showing up on your porch. So I have to call my brother every night for reassurance. No matter what damn time it is he tells me you’re okay, you’re not dead, because I fear if I dial your number I’ll get some recording saying this number is no longer in service.”

I caressed his neck as he took a hard, deep breath.

“And I wonder,” he said, his voice hoarse, “that if I had maybe seen even a glimpse of what you hide from me, that maybe you wouldn’t have thought that was your only way out.”

Hill. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed against him, holding him close.
Sorry, I’m sorry.
It was a startling realization to discover I had the power to hurt him too. When had that happened? “Stop, Hill. Stop,” I whispered as I pressed my face into the curve at his shoulder.

“I can’t do this anymore, Sarah,” he mumbled into my neck. For a minute I thought he meant us and it made me panic. Like the knowledge he had this house to come home to. He eased my head back and took my mouth in a desperate kiss.

I met the greedy thrusts of his tongue with my own, afraid for myself. Since he’d come back two months ago, I had done everything I could to push him away. If I made him leave, he wouldn’t come back again. I couldn’t survive him walking away again.

“Shit. Damn it.” He wrenched his head away and let out a string of creative curses.

“What?”

“According to Jax, this is what we do.” He rubbed his thumbs over my cheeks as he stared down at me. “Our bandage is sex and it’s why we’re a fucked up couple. I see something that rips through the camera to my soul; I make it go away using you. You get hurt; you make it go away using me. And here we are again, avoiding the ouch with me wanting to get you out of your clothes and up into our bed.”

Our bed?
We had a bed? “William, look at me.” He exhaled loudly but met my gaze. “I tried to hide my hurts in a bottle. Not you. Never you,” I whispered and shut my eyes briefly to find the strength. I could do this. I could do this. Only
this
was more terrifying than taking him into my studio because that had been something that had happened to me. This
was
me. “Why me? Out of all the girls in Pierce Point, you kept coming back to my door. Why?”

He murmured my name. “I already told you that in your bathroom. Weren’t you listening? You know me, Sarah. You know the selfish parts; you know the ugly parts. When Big Jack kicked me out what did I do?”

He had shown up at my door. Dazed. Lost. Angry. I understood what it was like to have a parent hate what you were. My father hated me because in birthing me, my mother had died. It hadn’t been my fault but to Brandon James, she had been taken from him. His pain had morphed into anger then into hate. “But why?”

“You see me, Sarah. Me. Despite all my shit, you see me. I’m not William Hilton Deveraux to you. I’m not the son of Big Jack, even disinherited. I’m not a prize. God knows, I’m not a prize. When we went for pancakes that first morning, it wasn’t me Sally saw. It was an extension of Big Jack. When your sister hit on me, it wasn’t me she saw. It was a fat wallet because of my camera.”

“She hit on you?” My eyes narrowed and Hill smiled.

“It’s Brandi. I have a penis, and I wasn’t broke anymore. Now shut up and stay with me here. My own father couldn’t see me because of his pride. But you do. And because you always saw me, I was able to see me when things became too blurred in my head. You’re my lens, Sarah. A little twist here, a little turn there, and suddenly I could see me again. I suddenly worked again. But through all my needing to see me, I forgot something.”

I stared into those storm cloud eyes as I waited for him to go on. “Maybe I was too selfish, maybe I didn’t even want to see beyond me,” he said as he searched my face, “because there was this girl who was just as lost and blurred as me. More so. I’m bouncing it back to you, Sarah. No more lens caps, no more bullshit. Why do you let me back in after I’m an asshole to you? Why do you hide from me?”

“Because I love you,” I admitted, unable to look away from his gaze this time.

He nodded as he lowered his head and gently kissed me. “Sarah mine,” he whispered against my mouth. “Don’t hide that from me. Okay?”

“Okay,” I whispered back.

“It took a while to figure my shit out, but I did. I always came back to that crappy town because of you. I always came back to you. I will
always
come back to you. Know that, Sarah. Believe it. Believe me. I’d have come for you had Jax called me, because it’s you. It was always you.”