Sarah's Key (36 page)

You see, I’ve kept it, day after day, touching it, remembering you
.

It has never left me since July
16, 1942.

No one here knows. No one here knows about the key, about you
.

About you in the cupboard
.

About Mother, about Father
.

About the camp
.

About summer 1942
.

About who I really am
.

Michel
.

Not one day has gone by without me thinking of you
.

Remembering
26,
rue de Saintonge
.

I carry the burden of your death like I would a child
.

I will carry it till the day I die
.

Sometimes, I want to die
.

I cannot bear the weight of your death
.

Of Mother’s death, of Father’s death
.

Visions of cattle trains carrying them to their deaths
.

I hear the train in my mind, I have heard it over and over again for the past thirty years
.

I cannot bear the weight of my past
.

Yet I cannot throw away the key to your cupboard
.

It is the only concrete thing that links me to you, apart from your grave
.

Michel
.

How can I pretend I am someone else
.

How can I make them believe I am another woman
.

No, I cannot forget
.

The stadium
.

The camp
.

The train
.

Jules and Geneviève
.

Alain and Henriette
.

Nicolas and Gaspard
.

My child cannot make me forget. I love him. He is my son
.

My husband does not know who I am
.

What my story is
.

But I cannot forget
.

Coming here was a terrible mistake
.

I thought I could change. I thought I could put it all behind me
.

But I cannot
.

They went to Auschwitz. They were killed
.

My brother. He died in the cupboard
.

There is nothing left for me
.

I thought there was but I was wrong
.

A child and a husband are not enough
.

They know nothing
.

They don’t know who I am
.

They will never know
.

Michel
.

In my dreams, you come and get me
.

You take me by the hand and you lead me away
.

This life is too much for me to bear
.

I look at the key and I long for you and for the past
.

For the innocent, easy days before the war
.

I know now my scars will never heal
.

I hope my son will forgive me
.

He will never know
.

No one will ever know
.

Zakhor. Al Tichkah.

Remember. Never forget
.

T

HE CAFÉ WAS A noisy, lively place, yet around William and me grew a bubble of total silence.

I put the notebook down, devastated at what we now knew.

“She killed herself,” William said flatly. “There was no accident. She drove that car straight into the tree.”

I said nothing. I could not speak. I did not know what to say.

I wanted to reach out and take his hand, but something held me back. I took a deep breath. But still the words did not come.

The brass key lay between us on the table, a silent witness of the past, of Michel’s death. I sensed him closing up, like he had done once before in Lucca, when he had held up his palms as if to push me away. He did not move, but I clearly felt him drawing away. Once again, I resisted the powerful, compulsive urge to touch him, to hold him. Why did I feel there was so much I could share with this man? Somehow he was no stranger to me, and more bizarre still, I felt even less a stranger to him. What had brought us together? My quest, my thirst for truth, my compassion for his mother? He knew nothing of me, knew nothing of my failing marriage, my near miscarriage in Lucca, my job, my life. What did I know of him, of his wife, his children, his career? His present was a mystery. But his past, his mother’s past, had been etched out to me like fiery torches along a dark path. And I longed to show this man that I cared, that what happened to his mother had altered my life.

Thank you,” he said, at last. “Thank you for telling me all this.” His voice seemed odd, contrived. I realized I had wanted him to break down, to cry, to show me some form of emotion. Why? No doubt because I myself needed release, needed tears to wash away pain, sorrow, emptiness, needed to share my feelings with him, in a particular, intimate communion.

He was leaving, getting up from the table, gathering up the key and the notebook. I could not bear the idea of him going so soon. If he walked out now, I was convinced I would never hear from him again. He would not want to see me, or talk to me. I would lose the last link to Sarah. I would lose him. And for some godforsaken, obscure reason, William Rainsferd was the only person I wanted to be with at that very moment.

He must have read something in my face because he hesitated, hovered over the table.

“I will go to these places,” he said. “Beaune-la-Rolande, and rue Nélaton.”

“I could come with you, if you want me to.”

His eyes rested upon me. Again, I perceived the contrast of what I knew I inspired in him, a complex bundle of resentment and thankfulness.

“No, I prefer to go alone. But I’d appreciate it if you gave me the Dufaure brothers’ addresses. I’d like to see them, too.”

“Sure,” I replied, looking at my agenda and scribbling the addresses down on a piece of paper for him.

Suddenly he sat down again, heavily.

“You know, I could do with a drink,” he said.

“Fine. Of course,” I said, signaling to the waiter. We ordered some wine for William and a fruit juice for me.

As we drank in silence, I noticed inwardly how comfortable I felt with him. Two fellow Americans enjoying a quiet drink. Somehow we did not need to talk. And it did not feel awkward. But I knew that as soon as he had finished the last dregs of his wine, he’d be gone.

The moment came.

“Thank you, Julia, thank you for everything.”

He did not say,
Let’s keep in touch, send each other e-mails, talk on the phone from time to time
. No, he said nothing. But I knew what his silence spelled out, loud and clear.
Don’t call me. Don’t contact me, please. I need to figure my entire life out. I need time and silence, and peace. I need to find out who I now am
.

I watched him walk away under the rain, his tall figure fading into the busy street.

I folded my palms over the roundness of my stomach, letting loneliness ebb into me.