Sarah's Surrender (Novella) (8 page)

And then there was that dreadful night.

She'd walked across the field to meet him in the hay barn where they often met.

A whistle played about her lips. Her feet danced. Birds sang a song just for her. There had never been a more perfect evening. Her heart so full it had been ready to burst.

It had been the happiest moment of her entire life.

She was finally going to be one with Jonathan.

They'd played about this for months, kisses and hands roaming ever freer, but always she'd held back, nervous of such a great step in her life.

But then she had just known it was right.

She belonged to Jonathan; why not make it complete?

The absolute happiness of that perfect moment danced in her mind. She'd forced it back for years, unwilling to remember when her life had become so bleak. Now it rushed at her in an overpowering wave.

She jerked upright in the bed and turned to him, overwhelmed by the pain of the memory. “You are an ass, a true and utter ass.”

She tried to slip from the bed.

He grabbed her arm. “You are mad at me?”

“You are surprised that I am upset by your question? Ass. Ass. Ass. I cannot believe I ever cared for you. Ass. Ass.” She nearly shouted the words.

“What on earth are you taking on about?”

“You thought I wanted to trap you! I can't believe you even considered such a thing. When did I ever give you any clue that I wanted anything besides you? Money? I never cared about money. I might have been glad that we would not need to live in a hovel or beg our relations for funds, but I never really thought about it. All I thought about was you.”

“Then why did you lead me on, let me think you would let me have you, and then cry off just because I announced I would never marry you? I never imagined that you would say no. I always believed you were mine no matter what. But as soon as I said no to marriage, you refused me and immediately announced loud and clear that if I wouldn't marry you you'd find someone who would, someone richer and more powerful.” His voice was rising along with hers.

“I don't remember ever saying such a thing, but if I did it was because I was angry. People sometimes say foolish things when they are angry. And right now I say I would like to whop you in the head, see if it would shake some sense into you. And I would never have let you have me. I was going to let you make love to me.” Her voice grew quiet at the end, her anger and her hurt overwhelming her. If five years ago had cut, this stabbed, and stabbed deep.

“I will never understand you.”

And she could see that he truly didn't. She yanked her arm and he let it free. Unmindful of her nakedness, she slid from the bed. Her body vibrated with the need to move. A moment ago she'd been languid and carefree; now agitation filled her.

How could Jonathan be such an idiot? His intelligence had always seemed vast; now she wondered if he had any at all.

She started to stride back and forth. “Let me see if I can explain this to you.” She refused to look in his direction. “Five years ago, I was a girl of nineteen, a girl who'd hardly ever been to Town, a girl who thought you were better than any Prince Charming, a girl who thought you could walk on water, a girl who thought…”

“I get the idea.”

She pulled in a deep breath. “I loved you. I loved you with my whole heart and I was ready to love you with my whole body. I would have done anything you asked.”

“That is clearly not true. You balked without the promise of matrimony.”

She laughed, low and hollow. “And you found that unreasonable? Without the promise of matrimony? No, you promised you would
never
marry me. I did not need a proposal, but what you gave me was a slap in the face. You told me that I would never be good enough. Clearly you had your eyes on some lady of better title or fortune. What else was I supposed to think?”

“That is not what I said. I've just explained. It never occurred to me you'd say no. I had faith in you. I knew you would pass my test. And instead you told me you would marry another.” Now he rose from the bed and began to pace in an opposite pattern.

“It is what you said. What was I supposed to think you meant when you said ‘I will not marry you'?”

“All I meant was…”

“I know exactly what you meant. You meant ‘Prove you love me, prove that I am more important than your family, than your soul, and than your honor.' That is what you meant.” If she were alone she would crawl into the bed and weep.

“I just wanted to know that you were not after my fortune.” His voice was quiet too.

“Idiot. Ass. Idiot. I cannot decide if you simply lack all brains or if you are just completely callous. I thought that night was the most awful of my life, but I truly had no idea. Maybe you are an idiotic ass, or perhaps an asinine idiot.”

“If you would just let me explain—”

“Did you let me explain? Did you talk to me? Did you even wait long enough to help me do up my gown? No, the minute I said that I wouldn't lie down in the hay with you, you bolted for the door.”

“That is different. And it wasn't when you said no, it was when you said you would marry somebody else that I left.”

She stopped and stared at him. “I don't remember saying that. But it still makes no difference. You broke my heart and took away every bit of self-respect that I had and then you left. For five years! You ran away to the colonies and never even wrote.”

“You could have written me.”

“You sound like a child. Did you really expect me to ask your mother for your direction? And even if I had written, what was I supposed to do, beg? Oh my, look at your face; that is what you wanted. You wanted me to beg you to take me back.”

“I did not say that.”

“You didn't have to. Asinine idiot.”

“Would you stop calling me that? Can I help that women were trying to trap me into marriage and I wanted to be sure that you were not one of them?”

“Conceited asinine idiot.” She no longer knew whether to laugh or cry.

“There is nothing conceited about thinking women wanted to marry me for my money. They never wanted to marry a younger son before I inherited my aunt's fortune and properties. And, as I've said, you even promised to marry someone richer.”

She blew out a long breath. “ ‘Richer and more powerful,' you said. I wish I could remember saying the words, wish I could remember your face when I said them. You thought I was one of those women trying to trap you and I probably wanted to hurt you. It seems that I succeeded and didn't even know it. Do you want to know what is humorous? I don't think I ever considered your aunt's inheritance. You were always rich in my eyes. Oh, don't give me that look again. The manor your father gave you in Essex was twice the size of my family's, and I am sure had no liens attached to it. It never occurred to me that your inheritance from your aunt caused a change in your station. You were far above me already. It did not matter that you moved even higher.”

“So you knew I was rich.”

Is that really what he took from her speech? She felt all the anger recede from her leaving her a deflated balloon, leaving only pain behind. “It is sad. I knew you were above me and I did not care. All I cared about was you. But clearly you cared. Clearly you saw me a creature to be pitied, a creature who wanted what she should not. How could you know me so little?”

“I just needed to be sure. I needed to know. I could not afford to be mistaken, so I invented a test, a test that you failed. What else was I to think when you talked of marrying someone rich?”

She had failed him. He held on to that truth. She had failed. She had not been willing to give herself without the promise of marriage. It had been a trap whether she meant it to be or not. And she might not remember her promise to seek a richer husband, but he had. It had been those words that finally drove him away.

“I failed.” She turned her face from him. “
You
failed. You failed me. I don't think you have any idea what it was you asked of me or what you ended up costing me.” Her voice grew very quiet at the end.

His face grew hot. “I do not see how you can say that. You have admitted that you cared that I was rich. You have admitted that you would not sleep with me without marriage. You have admitted that you only sleep with me now because you are going to marry another man, a man you do not like, a man who I am sure you are marrying for money, a man you are prepared to let raise my child. How can you say I am the one who failed?”

Keeping her back to him, she walked to where her clothing still lay on the floor. Bending down, she gathered her chemise and slipped it over her head, crossing her arms about her chest to protect herself. “You are hateful.”

The words struck at him; there was no denying the honesty of her tone.

“Why did I never realize that the world spun about you? Do you ask a single question about what I mean? What I have been through these past years? Do you care what you made me feel? No, it is all about you—and again it is all about how I am not good enough for you. You say I am marrying a man I do not like for money and you hold that against me. Do you think that is what I want to be doing? Do you for one moment think I want to marry one of Papa's friends? Or should I say a creditor of Papa's?”

He tried to push her words away. “I have not heard you ask about me.”

A long bitter laugh. “That is because I know about you; the whole world knows of you and your successes. I sometimes felt that every time I turned around somebody was there telling me about you and saying, ‘Didn't you used to know him?' ”

“So then tell me about you. Tell me why you are marrying this man you do not care for. Tell me why I should forgive you for what happened five years ago.”

“You still do not understand. I do not want your forgiveness. I did nothing wrong. You should be on your knees begging my forgiveness.” Her words were brave, but her shoulders slumped as she pulled on her corset.

He took a step toward her and then stopped. He should let her go. He had gotten what he wanted. What did it matter if she felt wronged? He was the one who had been wronged.

Only it did matter. Her words had hit him far harder than he liked to admit, even to himself.

She started to struggle with her gown.

This was the moment. He had to decide. Tomorrow she would agree to marry another man; tomorrow she would be lost.

But she had never been his; she had proved that five years ago.

Or had she?

He tried to put together all the things she had said, tried to find understanding in her words.

He could not believe he had been the idiot she had labeled him, but he had been young and often foolish. It was not until he left home that he truly began to see how the world worked. And if he considered it with all he knew now, he did begin to have a glimmer of understanding for her actions.

He reached out to stop her hand as she tried to pull the gown over her head.

“Stop, please. Come sit and explain. Try to make me understand.”

Still keeping her face turned from him, she asked, “Why?”

Now, wasn't that the question? He wasn't sure he knew the answers himself, so how could he explain to her? “Because I do not want this to be a night of regret. I do not know what will happen tomorrow, but I sense if you leave now this will always be a dreaded memory. I do not think that is what you wanted when you came tonight. I know that it is not what I wanted. This may be the final ending for us, but let us not make it a bad one.”

Her body stilled. “I am afraid it is too late for that.”

“You claim that I didn't give you a chance to explain five years ago. I am sorry for that. I should have let you talk. You say that you only threatened to marry another because you were mad. Can you accept that I was angry, too? It truly had never occurred to me that you would say no. That may seem foolish now, but at the time, it caught me by surprise and left me callous. I was so full of myself that I could not imagine that things would not work out as I wished. And then when you said you would marry another I only wanted to run away. But I am listening now, Sarah. Please tell me your story.”

She said nothing, but neither did she pull the gown on.

He tried again. “Just tell me. I will ask nothing else. I do not know quite why it matters so much, but I find I must know.”

He could feel her hesitation and then she let the gown fall back to the floor. The longest sigh he had ever heard left her lips. “You are right. I need this to be a beautiful memory. I need to be able to look to this night in years to come and have something good. I cannot have done this to have it end so terribly. And it was beautiful until a few moments ago. I have no choice but to take a chance.”

“Then come and sit.” He gestured across the room to the sole chair, the one he had taken the footstool from.

Her head bowed, she slid across the room and took the chair.

If he stood next to her he would tower over her. He sensed that would not help his situation. The stool would leave him far below her, not a condition to his liking, but perhaps it was what was needed. He pulled the stool over and planted himself upon it. “Talk to me, Sarah.”

Twisting her fingers in her lap, she began, “Did you ever think about what you were really asking of me five years ago? You see it as a simple question, but it was not. I did not need you to promise to marry me, but that is different from having you promise that you never would, that nothing would change your mind. You made me feel unimportant—and why? It all seems so silly now. For a test. A stupid boy's test. A test I could never pass. I told you that you wanted me to prove I loved you. If it had been only that, I would have spread myself naked upon an altar for you. But it was not only that; you asked me to risk my family and my honor. And what of this phantom child you are now so taken with, what if he had been conceived then? Would you have cared? Your words at the time told me you would not.”

She gulped in a deep breath and a tear fell upon her hands.

That was why she had kept her face hidden: she was crying.

A lump began to form in his gut.

“I was nineteen, my family was poor, but holding on,” she continued. “All we had was our good name. Papa was not yet known to be the profligate gambler that he is today. My mother was as sweet and silly then as she is now. She has never understood the world; all she cares for are her gowns and her parties—and me. She does love me. If I had slept with you and word had gotten out that I had been ruined, we would have lost what little we did have. My mother lived for the great marriage she believed I would make. It would have killed her if that had become impossible. It has nearly killed her watching me avoid having a single suitor after you. And if I had slept with you, do you think I could then have gone to another man and not told him? Oh, I know that is what I am ready to do with Mr. Meyers, but that is a far different situation.”

“Why is that so different?” He truly wanted to know, to understand.

“I was saving that for the end, but…I am selling myself to him. Or perhaps I should say that Papa is selling me. His debts are great and we are about to lose the house, and every bit of property we have. I admit I couldn't care less if Papa is left penniless, but I cannot do that to my mother. She has had enough hard years because of him. And yes, I admit I am selfish. I do not want to be begging on the streets because I cannot find employment as a companion. I have no dear relative to pretend to need my services. What am I supposed to do? Do you think I can survive selling oranges? Or would it be better to sell myself to many men rather than to one?”

“I cannot believe…”

She raised her face and he could see the tracks of tears had dried; now she was simply bitter. “It does not matter what you believe. The bill collectors will not let us be simply because you do not believe.”

“Sarah.” Her words spun about his head. How had he never considered what it truly was he asked of her? He had a brief moment of righteous anger. She should have known that he would always take care of her. If there had been a child he would have married her in an instant. Hell, he'd intended to marry her anyway. It had only been his surprise at her refusal that had set everything off kilter. “You know I always planned to marry you afterward. I just needed to know that you loved me and not my fortune, that you would take me, have me, without it.”

“And I thought this evening could not get worse.” There was no anger in her voice.

How was she supposed to feel? Sarah knew Jonathan thought she should be happy at his revelation. He had planned to marry her. Why did that make it so much worse? Not that she thought she should have sallied on and passed his test. No, her choices had been sound, had been the only choices possible. “You really did see it as a test. Only it was a test I truly could never have passed. You set me up to fail.”

“That was not my intention.”

“I do believe that, but it does not matter.”

He leaned toward her. “How can you say it does not matter?”

That was an easy one to answer. “How can you say it does? What do your intentions change?”

Abruptly he sat back. “It could change how you feel about this night.”

Could it? “I don't think so. I know this night was a mistake—and yet I do not regret it, not completely. I wish I did not know everything that I know now, wish I did not know that if I had been selfish that night five years ago I might be sitting in a townhouse in Mayfair, wish I did not know that if I had chosen differently, then I would never have to worry that my mother cannot buy the bonnet she wishes, and I wish I did not know that you were never the man of my dreams.”

Well, that silenced him.

His head bent and then rose, his eyes meeting hers and holding. “Was I ever the man of your dreams, truly?”

“I thought you were.”

“Then why did you not have more faith in me?”

Was he mad? “You told me not to.”

“And you could not see that I was a frightened boy of twenty-two, a boy who had suddenly been given the world and was afraid of losing it? I had always been the younger son, the extra, the just in case, and suddenly I had a fortune, as much as my brother. I was on top of the world and scared to death.”

She stopped. She simply stopped. Had he been frightened? Had she not seen it? His inheritance had changed nothing in her world, could it truly have changed everything in his? “You didn't act scared.”

“What twenty-two-year-old man would? At twenty-two you do not realize how young you are. I worked hard to never give any hint of how I felt.”

That was believable, but…“And were you scared of losing me?”

“Terrified, although I did not know it until this moment.”

“Then why did you throw me away? Why did you feel the need to push me and test me? If you were scared why not treat me as a treasure, make me never want to leave?”

Again he was quiet.

“If you cared so much why make me feel that I was worthless? Why make me spend years thinking that I could never be good enough? I have spent five years hiding away because of how you made me feel.”

Suddenly, he leaned forward, placed a hand upon each of her knees, his palms warming her skin beneath the thin linen of her chemise. “I never meant that. I was young and foolish—and it never occurred to me it could go wrong. It may seem unbelievable now, but I actually had that much faith in you—and I wanted to know that you felt the same about me. Please believe that, if nothing else. I never meant to make you feel that you were not good enough.”

“I do believe that was not your intent.”

“And do you forgive me? I find I need your forgiveness. It is hard thing after five years to understand one's fault.”

There was a note in his voice that she had never heard before. “I am not sure. It changed me in ways that I cannot change back, it took away the girl that I was, the girl who loved life.”

His thumbs stroked her inner legs, and even now she felt a shiver run through her.

“I do not know that I can ever restore that. I wish I could, but I do not know how. What can I do, Sarah? Do you want me to take you home, to sneak you back to your house? Or do you want me to try and bring the beauty back to this evening?”

Hesitation took her. “Do you think that is possible?”

“I don't know. It seems crude to think that sex could make things better, but you seemed so alive when you clutched me tight, when my name flew from your lips.”

“I didn't cry your name.” She hadn't. She was sure she hadn't.

“You will this time.”

Did she dare? Did she want to? Would she regret it always if she said no? And if tonight was her only night did she want to risk regret?

Keeping her lips pressed tight, she slowly eased her thighs open.

Did she want him to…? Did she mean him to…?

He was not a fool.

No, that was not the way to think. This was about her, about Sarah—and only about her.

With slow deliberation he ran his hands down her legs until he reached the bottom of her chemise. The thin fabric rose quickly with his hands. Pausing at her knees, he let his hands caress that most tender flesh.

She bit down on her lip, but still did not speak.

He rubbed again.

A shudder took her.

She bit down harder.

He bent, placed a whisper of a kiss upon one knee and then the other, before pressing her legs slightly further open.