Sausagey Santa (5 page)

“I got me own preparations to deal with.”

He blobs up the aisle of the movie theater and exits to the right.

All the elves spread out in different directions. A few of the sly guys point gun-fingers at me when they pass. I wink at them and groove up the steps behind Tea and Boon.

“This way,” Boon says.

He snaps his finger and spins on his heels to change directions.

“That was pretty sly,” Tea says to Sly Guy Elf.

And Boon knows he’s sly. He bobs his head as he walks.

The facility is much like the insides of an office building, but it is very cold, dim, and drab. The floor is concrete and the walls have framed pieces of notebook paper with pencil scribbles on them. It seems like such a dull and lonely place.

“What do you elves do for fun around here?” I ask.

“There’s not a lot to do,” says Tea. “We mostly have to use our imaginations.”

“Imaginations?”

“Yeah,” she says. “We tend to role play a lot. You know, like Dungeons and Dragons.”

“Elves are awesome at Dungeons and Dragons,” Sly Guy

Elf says.

“I’ve got this 40
^th
level wizard with a cloak of magic winds,” Tea says.

“My fighter/thief can walk through walls!” Boon says.

“I’ve got a ring of necromancy! ”

“I’ve got some gauntlets of ogre strength!”

They are beginning to get really excited about all this D&D talk. On the walls, I realize that the framed pieces of notebook paper are actually character sheets. Engraved into the frames are the words “Warrior of the Week” with a name and date.

All of the characters are of the elf race. There aren’t any dwarves or gnomes or halflings or humans. I wonder if Santa’s elves wish they were more like the Dungeons and Dragons elves. Maybe they wish the were taller and more agile. Skillful with the bow and quick with a sword. Masters at conjuring mystical spells.

“Come on,” Tea says, pulling me by the arm. “I’ll show you the costume I wear to the Sword and Serpent Ball!”

Damn it. What the hell just happened?

One second I was on my way to get ready for battle so that I can save my children from the forces of darkness and the next second I’m sitting in an elven dormitory waiting for a couple of elves to come out of the bathrooms so they can show me what they look like when dressed up as their Dungeons and Dragons characters.

What a complete waste of time. I don’t even like Dungeons and Dragons. Sure, I used to play it in college. Who didn’t? But it’s just not my thing anymore. Adventuring is cool. I understand that. But these days I like real life adventure. You know, like what Spelunker sings about. Who cares about dragons and paladins when that stuff doesn’t even exist? Fighting anacondas in the jungle while militia snipers are coming after you and there’s ancient Aztec treasure in your satchel and a hot Latin babe that needs saving . . . now that’s something I can role play.

Tea comes out first wearing her mage’s costume.

The little elf pretends that I’m not in the room as she poses with her staff and crystal ball. It’s not all that impressive of a costume. She’s basically just wearing a silver bikini, a white cloak, high silver boots that go past her knees, and a large necklace with dangling plastic shards that are probably supposed to be magic crystals.

She slowly swings her staff around her head, trying to be sly. I’m not sure if she’s waiting for a reaction from me or what, but she keeps moving as gracefully as she can across the floor in front of me. I adjust myself in the tiny elf chair, trying to get comfortable. I might be here for a while.

Tea eventually looks at me. Probably annoyed with my lack of excitement for her costume. She steps slowly towards me like she thinks she’s a sexy runway model. Once she gets up close to me, she seductively places her boot on the arm of my chair.

“Pretty hot, huh?” she squeaky-says.

I almost shrug at her but decide to nod instead.

She puts down her leg and then leans her hip at my face.

“Look,” she says, pointing at a tag on her bikini bottom. “They’re hyperspace panties.”

“What are hyperspace panties?” I ask.

“I’ll show you,” she says.

I’m beginning to get scared.

Very scared.

The little elf woman is staring at me in her wizard costume. She has one of her gray elf hands inside of her panties and appears to be masturbating. Her other hand on my knee.

I have no idea what’s going on. She’s supposed to be showing me what hyperspace panties are but she’s just masturbating, blowing her white bangs out of her face so she can stare at me with her wide black eyes. What the hell is wrong with elves anyway? And the worst part is I think I’m getting an erection.

Elf eyes are pretty weird. I don’t know what else to do, so I look into her eyes and try to hide the fact that I’m getting a hard-on. Her eyes are black. There isn’t that much of the white part showing because the black circles are so wide. The freaky thing is that there’s a white swirl that starts at the center of the pupil and spirals out. Like they are meant to hypnotize people. Her eyes don’t hypnotize me, though. They just freak the hell out of me.

“Ready?” she says.

I raise my eyebrows at her.

Then she pushes a tiny button on the side of her panties and both of us jump. I scream as something squeezes around my penis. Tea screams too, joyfully. Her eyes look up at the ceiling and her mouth curls into a smile.

“What the hell?” I say.

Something moist is inside of my pants, tightening around my penis.

Tea looks at me. She starts humping the air in my direction. As she moves, the moist pressure inside of my pants moves with her.

“Understand?” she says, giggling.

She’s fucking me. I don’t know how, but it’s like her hyperspace panties have the ability to cut through space and warp my penis directly into her vagina without the rest of our bodies touching.

“Stop it,” I tell her.

She just smiles and humps the air.

I get out of the chair and run across the room.

“Cut it out!” I scream.

Then she really starts to get into it, closing her eyes tight and fucking me from across the room. I unzip my pants and shriek. My penis is missing. There is a blue light with white static in the place where my penis used to be. I can feel it, but can’t see it. The skin around the blue is pumping up and down.

“You can’t get away,” she says, grabbing her crotch, “no matter how far you run. Once you’ve been homed in, you’re stuck inside until I release you.”

“Let me go!” I say.

She just laughs at me with her squeaky voice and continues humping the air.

Great. First, I’m forced to check out some Dungeons and Dragons costumes and now I’m being raped by an elf. Decapitron isn’t going to understand this at all.

I go to the far side of the room and bump into Boon. He’s wearing chainmail armor and a horned helmet that’s probably ruining his sly guy haircut.

“What do you think?” he says.

Over his shoulder, I see Tea thrashing in the air on the other side of the room. She begins screaming at the top of her lungs, squeezing her vaginal muscles tight around me as she orgasms. It causes me to close my eyes and lean against a wall as I start cumming inside of her.

Tea stops screaming. She drops into a chair and leans her head back, wheezing.

I pause for a moment to look at the floor, panting.

Then I look back at Boon and say, “Great. It’s just great.”

He bobs his helmeted head at me as if he knows that I was just having hyperspace-sex and thinks I played it off pretty slyly.

We go to Tea. She’s draped over the chair with a big smile from elf ear to elf ear. Her head turns and she pierces into me with her big swirly eyes. It’s crazy to think that I just had a very intimate moment with this creature from across the room. I haven’t even seen what she looks like naked.

“It’s time to get ready for battle,” Boon says.

“To battle!” Tea says, raising her tiny fist into the air.

CHAPTER SIX

CABBAGE SKIN

Tea has her arm wrapped around me as we walk down the hallway to the armory. She nods at all of the elf girls we pass. They look at us and giggle. I think Tea is showing me off like I’m a trophy. Like she’s saying, “Not only did I just have sex with a human, I had sex with
the
Sly Guy!” And all of the other elves are jealous.

Decapitron is going to annihilate me.

I jerk my arm away from Tea’s hands, but she just grabs it again and hugs it close to her chest. There’s another group of elves down the hall that she wants to show me off to. Looking down at her, I notice that her gray skin has a slight lavender glow to it. She didn’t have that before. None of the other elves have it. That’s probably how all the elves know that we’ve just had sex. I bet whenever elves have an orgasm their skin changes color. Or maybe they change color so that they can attract a mate like certain bugs and animals do. I don’t really care to know.

The armory isn’t really an armory. It seems more like a supply closet containing a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons costumes.

“What kind of weapon do you want?” Boon asks. “A battleaxe? A warhammer? A broad sword of telepathy +1?”

“I don’t want to get so close,” I tell them. “Give me something I can shoot.”

“Like a crossbow?” Tea asks.

“No, none of that Dungeons and Dragons stuff,” I say.

Their faces droop into sadness.

“Something more hi-tech,” I say. “At least a gun.”

“Regular bullets won’t be very useful,” Tea says. “What you need is a flamethrower.”

“We can give him the cabbage suit,” Boon says.

“Yeah,” Tea says. “The cabbage suit will fit good.”

“Cabbage suit?”

“It’s the perfect weapon,” the pixie elf says. “Though . . . hmmm . . . it’s not designed for humans.”

“The shrinkulator!” Boon says.

“Yeah,” Tea says. “The shrinkulator will make it fit.”

Tea and Boon pick out swords, spears, and shields for themselves and then take me upstairs to another section of the facility. This area is wide open and mostly empty except for large white machines sticking out of the walls. Boon snaps his finger and tries to spin on his heel to change directions, but with the bulky armor he doesn’t come off as very sly. He goes through a door on the right to get the cabbage suit. Tea takes me over to a group of tables and picks up a big black device that looks kind of like a glue gun.

“Okay, hold still,” Tea says.

She points the gun at me and turns it on. I jerk as a white beam shoots out of the gun into my chest. Looking down, the beam isn’t causing any damage. It just makes my skin feel all tingly.

I look up at the elf and see that she is growing. No, wait, I am shrinking. She sprays me with the beam of light until I am the same size as her, then she turns it off.

“Wait . . .” she says.

She turns it back on and shrinks me another three inches, so that I’ll be shorter than she is. Then she smirks at me.

“Very funny,” I say.

“Now you’re elf-size,” she says. “The cabbage suit should fit perfectly.”

“Why didn’t you just grow the cabbage suit to fit my size?” I ask.

“Because we have a shrinkulator,” she says, holding up the device. “We don’t have a growulator. There’s no such thing.”

“Then how are you supposed to grow me back to my normal size?” I ask.

“Hmmm . . .” She looks up at the ceiling and scratches her chin. “I guess you can’t.”

“What do you mean I can’t? I’m stuck this way forever?”

“Yeah, but I’m stuck this size forever, too.”

“But you’re an elf . . .”

“Look,” she says. “You have more important things to worry about right now, like rescuing your children from a satanic Nazi snowman. Besides, you’re probably going to get killed anyway.”

Boon returns with the cabbage suit. It looks like a wetsuit made from elephant skin. It’s gray and very wrinkled.

As he hands it to me, an alarm sounds.

“Time to go,” he says.

“Already?” Tea asks.

The elves shake the uniform at me until I take it and put it on over my clothes. I tighten the hood around my face and Boon gives me a thumbs up.

“Come on,” he says. “Let’s go.”

They race to the exit, leaving me standing here.

“So how does this thing work?” I yell.

They are too far ahead to answer.

I walk alone back to the train, getting lost in all the identical corridors. Eventually I run into some elves and follow them to the movie theater where another Burt Reynolds movie plays on the screen. Elves must love Burt Reynolds.

As I board the train, random elves push me out of their way to get through. None of them realize it’s the sly man in this cabbage suit. None of them are treating me like the hairdo hero anymore.

I hate being small.

On the train ride outside, I look for Tea and Boon but they aren’t in my car. They never told me how to work the cabbage suit.

What the hell does it do, anyway? It’s just a big wrinkly baggy suit.

I ask the white-bearded elf sitting next to me, “How does it work?”

But he just frowns at me like I’m some kind of elven retard.

When I exit the train, the elf army has gathered in the frozen moonlight.

My wife, Bald Elf, and Sausagey Santa are standing in the center of the crowd next to Santa’s sleigh. Santa is wearing a giant rocket pack and has swords and laser cannons strapped to him. Decapitron is still wearing her reindeer fetish outfit but she has large candy canes holstered to her back where the twins used to be.

I push my way through the elven crowd towards them. “Decapitron!” I cry.