Savage Autumn (28 page)

Amanda looked carefully at Joanna’s face. It was as lovely as ever, perhaps even more so. Her delicate features were enhanced by a deep golden tan, but her beautiful eyes stared blankly into nothingness.

“I don’t see even one scar, Joanna. She Who Heals has performed a miracle. Your face hasn’t changed except that you now have a deep tan.”

“You aren’t just saying that, Amanda? I want to know the truth.”

“I promise you I would not speak falsely. Your face is beautiful.”

“Is it dark outside now?”

“Yes.”

Joanna sighed. “It will no longer matter if it is day or night. It will all be the same to me.”

“Oh, Joanna…I wish…”

“Do not pity me, Amanda. I, myself, am wallowing in self-pity. Be strong for me so I can draw courage from you.”

Amanda was glad Joanna couldn’t see the tears in her eyes. She had never known anyone with the kind of courage Joanna possessed. Joanna would be returning to the civilized world and she would be able to face whatever awaited her.

“Joanna, I don’t quite know how to tell you what I have decided to do. I wanted to wait until you were better, but I suppose now is the time.”

“Is something wrong, Amanda?”

“No, in fact I am deliriously happy. I have decided not to go with you and Tag when you leave. Tall Bear has asked me to become his wife, and I have accepted.”

“Tall Bear, he is Gray Fox’s brother, is he not?” Joanna asked in a surprised voice.

“Yes, and I love him. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him.”

“I am happy for you, Amanda. If you had said this to me a
few weeks ago I would have doubted your sanity, but I now know one can love a man enough to want to give up everything to be with him.”

“Are you talking about yourself and Windhawk?”

“Yes, I love him, but he is sending me away. I regret having ever tried to leave him, because now he detests me.”

Amanda put a comforting arm about her friend’s shoulder. “Maybe he thinks you want to leave, and he is taking you back because he loves you so much.”

“No, he no longer loves me. There was a time when he did, but I killed his love. I didn’t tell you this, but when I thought he was going to harm Farley, I aimed a rifle at him. I could never have pulled the trigger, but he doesn’t know that.”

“Oh, Joanna, I am so sorry. When you and Tag leave, I am going to miss you both so much. I don’t suppose we’ll ever see each other again.”

Joanna squared her shoulders. She had never been one to complain about her lot in life and she wasn’t about to start now. “Is there anyone you want me to get in touch with when we get to the fort, Amanda?”

“No. All the ones I cared about were killed in the raid. I have a few distant kinfolk, but we were never close. Let them think I was killed along with my folks.”

Joanna almost envied Amanda. She was able to stay with the man she loved, or did she love him? Perhaps she was only staying because she didn’t want to face her own people. Could Amanda be so ashamed of what Running Elk had done to her that she wanted to hide away in the Blackfoot village?

“Amanda, are you positive that you love Tall Bear enough to stay with him forever? Suppose you were to change your mind later on?”

“I will never change my mind, Joanna. This is where I want to be.”

“The life of an Indian is a hard one, and you will seldom have a permanent home,” Joanna said, stating some of the hard truths to her friend.

“I will love making a home for Tall Bear, wherever it may be.”

Joanna smiled. “I can see that your mind is made up. I just hope you find all the happiness in the world.”

“I wish you could be happy, Joanna. Perhaps when you find your father again, he can take you to a doctor who will be able to restore your eyesight.”

“I wonder if I shall ever be truly happy again, Amanda. Do you think there is such a thing as total happiness?”

“I don’t know. I doubt it, but when I am with Tall Bear it’s as near to perfect happiness as I have ever come.”

“That’s all that counts then. I will take comfort in knowing that you are with someone you love and who loves you in return.”

“When do you leave?” Amanda asked.

“I’m not sure. Windhawk will decide that.”

“Joanna, Tall Bear has told me enough about Windhawk to make me see he is an extraordinary man. If you love him you should tell him so.”

“I feel very tired now, Amanda,” Joanna said, not wanting to talk about Windhawk.

Amanda stood up and stared at her friend. Unhappiness was etched on Joanna’s lovely face. Joanna would be leaving the man she loved without putting up a fight for him. Perhaps it was best. Joanna came from a different kind of world than Amanda had. Maybe she would never be happy living the nomadic life of an Indian.

Amanda left, feeling sadness for the only real friend she had ever had.

Joanna now felt totally alone. Suddenly she felt panic and stood up, groping in the dark. She bumped into the lodgepole and hung on to it for support. She felt as if the whole world had come crashing down upon her shoulders.

How would she stand it if she could never hear Windhawk’s voice again? How could she live if she never felt the touch of his hand?

A sob issued from deep within her throat and Joanna buried her face in her hands. Why had life become so unbearable? She wanted to be able to see! She couldn’t stand the thought
of being locked into a darkened world forever. How would she watch time passing? She wouldn’t be able to see the seasons change. She would never know the joy of having Windhawk’s baby, and looking upon their child’s face.

She knew that she was feeling sorry for herself, but she couldn’t seem to stop. Today she had been forced to face the fact that she would never see again, and that the man she loved didn’t want her anymore.

Joanna felt comforting arms go about her shoulders and she was held against Sun Woman’s shoulder. “Cry, cry, my daughter, for no one has a better reason than you do. There is no shame in tears of grief.”

Joanna felt the tears on Sun Woman’s face and knew Windhawk’s mother shared her grief. “I…hurt so badly, my mother,” she cried.

“I also hurt badly for you, my daughter. Only time can heal when the heart is hurt.”

Joanna allowed Sun Woman to lead her back to her bed. Windhawk’s mother sat beside her, holding her hand until Joanna fell asleep.

Joanna stood outside She Who Heals’s tipi, feeling the cold wind penetrate her buckskin gown, while the snow crunched beneath her moccasins. She felt completely recovered now. If it weren’t for the fact that she couldn’t see, she would be enjoying the crisp, cold morning.

She had become so accustomed to the sounds of the village that she could identify many of the people’s voices. Hearing light moccasin steps, she turned her head.

“Hello, Gray Fox. It’s a lovely day, isn’t it?”

Gray Fox looked at her in surprise. “How did you know it
was me, Joanna?” He saw that her eyes were still bound with the soft doeskin cloth.

She laughed. “I am becoming very good at detecting sounds. You wear two metal stars on your moccasins. When you walk, they jingle together.”

Joanna reached her hand out to Gray Fox and he took it. He had watched her courage from a distance, and against his will, had begun to feel more for his best friend’s wife than friendship.

“I just left Sun Woman and she asked if I would bring you to her. She says you are well enough to move in with her and Morning Song.”

“Yes, I am completely recovered…almost. Gray Fox, I have a desire to walk in the woods. Would you take me?”

He removed the blanket from about his shoulders and placed it around Joanna’s shoulders. “I will be happy to be your guide, Joanna.”

Gray Fox reached out his hand and took Joanna’s small delicate hand in his. He thought Windhawk was a fool to send his woman away. If she were his woman he would never allow her to leave him.

As they walked along, he would describe many of the sights to her. She listened quietly as he described the icicles that were hanging off the branches of a pine tree.

After they had walked deep into the forest, Gray Fox found a fallen log and dusted the snow from it. Taking Joanna’s hand, he sat her down. He had wanted to talk to her, and now might be his only chance. It was hard for him to watch the pain Windhawk was going through. He wanted to help his friend, even though he knew it was unwise to interfere.

“Joanna, are you sure that you want to leave us?”

She was quiet for a moment pondering his words. Gray Fox was Windhawk’s best friend. She could never tell him that she loved Windhawk and dreaded the time of their parting. “I will miss many things here in this village. The Blackfoot have
been so kind to me, but I feel that I have overstayed my welcome,” she said, lapsing into English.

“What does this…overstayed your welcome mean?” he asked in the same language.

“It means a guest who has stayed longer than his host intended him to.”

“I do not believe that is true. I know my wives love you. She Who Heals looks on you as a daughter. Somehow you have won the formidable Sun Woman over. I have heard that she is sad because you are leaving.”

“I think that your chief does not share his mother’s views,” Joanna said sadly.

Gray Fox was quiet for a long time. He wished he had the courage to ask her if she loved Windhawk. “Will you not miss Windhawk?” he asked instead.

Joanna stood up. “It has turned rather cold. I think I would like to go back now,” she said, ending the conversation.

Gray Fox took her arm and led her back toward the village. When they emerged from the trees, Windhawk saw them. His eyes narrowed with jealousy and he walked toward them with anger in his heart.

Gray Fox saw him approach and recognized the danger signal. Never had Windhawk given him such a murderous look.

“Should you not be tending to your own wives, Gray Fox?” Windhawk said in a deadly calm voice.

Joanna was so engrossed in her thoughts that she had been unaware of Windhawk’s presence and stumbled against a protruding root. Gray Fox reached out to steady her and she fell forward into his arms.

Windhawk sprang forward and tore Joanna away from Gray Fox. He lifted her into his arms, and sent his friend a heated glance. “We will talk of this later,” he told him, turning his back and walking away.

Joanna was surprised at the anger in Windhawk’s voice. She had done nothing to make him angry. It felt so right to be in his arms, she thought, laying her head on his shoulder. She would stay in his arms for the rest of her life if he would allow it.

“Where are you taking me?” she asked.

“I do not want to speak to you, Joanna. Remain silent.”

“Why are you angry?”

“I said do not speak,” he said, trying to gain control over his jealousy.

When Windhawk had seen Joanna coming out of the forest with Gray Fox, his anger had soared. She was his woman, and no other man had the right to touch her. Windhawk would always feel in his heart that she belonged to him. He could not bear to think that one day another man would hold her soft body the way he had once held her. He held her tightly in his arms, thinking how precious she was to him. If only he had not treated her so cruelly. If he had guarded her more carefully she would not have lost her eyesight. Joanna had never said that she blamed him for her blindness, but he knew that she must hold him responsible.

He was so guilt-ridden that he was haunted day and night by Joanna’s blindness. He knew that he must take her back where she belonged. She had once told him that they were from different worlds, and neither would fit into the other’s life. He should have listened to her.

“Where are we?” Joanna asked, when he set her on her feet.

“We are in my lodge,” he told her, taking her arm.

“Am I going to stay with you?” she asked as her heart beat wildly.

“No, I merely wanted to speak to you alone.”

Joanna felt her hopes dashed. If she were to ask him to take her in his arms, would he reject her? What if she should tell him that she loved him and never wanted to leave him?

“I can’t think what we have to say to each other, Windhawk.”

His eyes glazed. “What I have to say to you is not of a personal nature. You need have no fear that I am going to ask anything of you.” His voice sounded cold to Joanna, and she sighed when he helped her sit down.

“I think it is time we discussed your leaving.” His words seemed to hang in the air, and Joanna knew that the time she had been dreading had come at last.

She raised her head to him and he caught his breath. How would he ever be able to let her go? Her bright red-gold hair was shimmering in the firelight and he wanted to take her in his arms and bury his face in its softness.

“When…will we leave?” she asked, feeling as if her whole world had just come tumbling down around her.

“I thought we would start in the morning before severe weather sets in.”

“I had not thought…I did not think we would be leaving so soon.”

He watched her face closely. It was hard to tell what she was thinking when he couldn’t see her eyes. “Can you think of any reason we should not leave tomorrow?”

“No, of course not,” she said hurriedly. Joanna stood up and unfastened the bear-claw necklace he had given her on their wedding night. Holding it out to him, she felt tears in her eyes. “I do not know the procedure of divorce in your tribe,” she said, lapsing into English. “If I give you back this token will that suffice?”

“I do not understand what this word…divorce means,” he said, lapsing into English and staring at the necklace.

“It means when a marriage is ended,” she said, relieved that her heartbreak didn’t show up in her voice.

Windhawk’s hand closed over hers. “You keep the necklace. It was a gift from me to you.”

Joanna remembered the night he had given her the necklace. That night he had said it was a symbol of their love. She also remembered he said he would never take it back. She would test him now to see if he would take the necklace back, thus showing her that he no longer loved her.

“It belongs to you, Windhawk, please take it,” she said, holding her breath. If he didn’t take it back, it would mean he still loved her. Oh she hoped and prayed he would refuse the necklace.

Joanna felt Windhawk’s hand brush hers as he took the necklace from her. Dear God, she prayed silently, don’t let
me cry in front of him! Don’t let him know how badly I am hurting, she cried silently.

“I am tired, Windhawk. Would you take me to your mother now?” She was glad her voice hadn’t betrayed her feelings.

Windhawk stared at the necklace. Joanna did not want anything to remind her of him, he thought. Taking her hand, he led her out of his lodge.

Tomorrow would be the beginning of the end for him. How empty his days would be when he could no longer see Joanna’s face or hear the sound of her voice. He would be dead on the inside. Never again would he allow a woman to touch his heart as deeply as Joanna had. He would never feel love again.

Joanna was going to a world that he could never reach. When she was gone, she would leave his world as devoid of sunlight as her blindness shut out the light from her eyes.

Glancing down at her buckskin-clad form, Windhawk tried to remember a time he had ever seen her completely happy. There had always been a shadow hanging over her, some urgency about her, as if there was something she had to do.

Windhawk had reached his mother’s tipi and when Sun Woman came forward, he handed Joanna over to her and left without a word.

“Come, my daughter,” Sun Woman said, leading Joanna to the warm fire and helping her sit down. “There are many things that I would say to you.”

Joanna waited silently for Sun Woman to continue.

“As you know, Joanna, there was a time when I did not accept you. I thought you were other than what you seemed, but I was to learn that you were not false. I have come to love you, my daughter; I grieved with you when you lost your sight. I grieve now because you are going away. Will you not stay with us?”

Joanna reached out her hand and Sun Woman placed hers in it. Raising the older woman’s hand to her cheek, Joanna spoke.
“I have come to love you also, my mother. Although my heart is heavy at leaving, I know it is for the best.”

“My son needs you, Joanna. I see this every day. If you love him, you would not go away.”

“I am not going of my own free will. Windhawk is taking me.”

“He thinks it is what you want.”

“No, you are wrong. I think that for a time Windhawk loved me, but he no longer feels that way. I believe he does not want a wife who is sightless. I also believe he will never forgive me for trying to run away.”

Sun Woman sighed. “It is not my place to interfere. I only want you to know that when you leave you will leave behind many who will not soon forget you.”

“I will never forget you, my mother, nor will I forget Morning Song who is so dear to me.”

It was a dark night when Tall Bear made his way to Sun Woman’s tipi to claim Amanda as his wife. He paused at the door, asking if he could enter. Amanda waited anxiously, not knowing what to expect when Sun Woman bid him enter.

His dark eyes were sparkling as he reached for Amanda’s hand and she looked shyly up at him. Her heart was drumming as he led her out of the tipi and to the lodge he had built for them.

This was their wedding night. Amanda wore a white doeskin gown that Sun Woman had helped her make. Her rich, brown-colored hair hung loosely about her shoulders.

A light snow had begun to fall, and Amanda could hear the laughter coming from the other tipis they passed. This was where she belonged, she thought. She had found her happiness at long last.

When they reached their tipi, Tall Bear led Amanda inside and pulled her into his arms. Her lips invited his kiss, and she sighed when his lips covered hers. When he led her to their wedding bed, she went willingly. Her only regret was that Tall Bear wasn’t the first man to be with her. As his hands roamed
lovingly over her body, Amanda forgot the cruelty with which Running Elk had treated her. She surrendered herself totally to her husband.

That night Joanna fought against falling asleep. This would be the last night she would spend with the Blackfoot people she had come to love so dearly. Their life was a hard one compared to what she was accustomed to, but they enjoyed a peace of mind and satisfaction in their day-to-day life that no white man would be able to understand.

Joanna lay beside Morning Song knowing that she was not sleeping, because she tossed restlessly.

“Can you not sleep, my sister?” Joanna asked.

“I do not want to sleep. I will never see you again,” Morning Song cried, slipping her hand into Joanna’s.

“I will miss you also, but I will think of you growing into a beautiful woman and one day marrying a man whom you will love.”

“The way you love my brother?” she asked.

“Morning Song, I do love Windhawk, but you know it is right that I return to my people.”

“You are leaving because you blame my brother for your blindness?”

“No, you are wrong, my sister. I do not blame anyone for the fact that I can no longer see.”

Morning Song threw her arms around Joanna and hugged her tightly. “My heart will be so empty after you are gone. I will never have another sister,” she cried.

Joanna pushed the tumbled hair out of Morning Song’s face. “One day Windhawk will marry, and you will…” Joanna’s voice became choked and she tried not to cry as she continued, “you…will love her.”

“No, I will never have another sister. Windhawk will never love again.”

“You are wrong, little sister. Windhawk…is a very loving man. He will…he will.” Joanna couldn’t finish. Hot tears
scalded her eyes. Dear God, she prayed silently, give me the strength to walk away without looking back. Help me have the courage not to beg him to allow me to stay.

The next morning Sun Woman silently helped Joanna dress. Joanna knew how much Windhawk’s mother had admired the copper pots and pans which had once belonged to Franny. She had given them to Sun Woman the night before, hoping it would cheer her.

Her personal belongings had been packed in the trunk and loaded onto a pack horse. Once more Joanna was dressed in a riding habit. She carried her mother’s jewelry case in a leather pouch, knowing she and Tag would need to sell more of the jewels to finance their trip to Oregon.

When she walked out of the tipi, there were many people lined up waiting to say good-bye to her. First, She Who Heals stepped forward and embraced her.