Savage (Daughters of the Jaguar) (31 page)

He looked at me with contempt. "You're damn right I am. That creature stole everything from me. Do you know I was supposed to be in the city's annual tennis tournament in a few months? I guess I won't be doing that ... either."

"Listen. If you're mad at me or something, then just say it," I said. "I feel guilty about what happened to you, I really do."

"Nah. You couldn't have done anything. I shouldn't have hesitated. A huntsman never hesitates. It was my own fault. I just like to make people feel bad when they come here. That way it makes me feel better somehow. Like I'm not the only idiot around."

"You're not an idiot."

"I am an idiot for letting that beast go, alright. I should have shot it again. To make sure it was dead. It haunts me that it might still be out there. As soon as I get my new leg I am going up there to find its body. If I don't find it, if it is still alive, I'll hunt the beast till I kill it. Either that or it kills me. It's a fight to death now. I almost want it to still be alive, you know? That way I can still get my revenge. I want to make this beast suffer. I want to kill it slowly and then rip its heart out and eat it like the old Indians did it. They understood how to make a real kill. That's the way it should be done."

"So you're going out there again? After all this?" I heard my own voice become squeaky. My heart was racing. I couldn't let him go out there after her again. I simply couldn't.  "Are you insane? It will end up killing you!"

Jim leaned over in the chair with a big smile. "I sure hope it will. It's better than living like this. Like a crippled."

"You don't mean that. You can still do everything. You can go hunting and fishing and still drive cross-country. All the stuff you love."

"I can't run. Not properly. I will never be able to. If I ever have kids, I won't be able to run with them. Do you know how that feels? Do you?"

"No. I don't," I said.

"I will always be their crippled dad. Never the cool dad. Never."

"I understand your anger ..."

"No, you don't," he interrupted me. "How could you? How could anyone? You don't know what I am facing. I am twenty-four years old and I don't even have a girlfriend. Now I probably never will. What woman in her right mind would ever date a guy with only one leg?"

"I'm sure that ..."

Jim burst into a loud laughter. "Yes, of course you are sure that someone might one day. But what do you care, right? You have Heather now, you two have become a couple. She told me yesterday. Congratulations on that."

I breathed deeply and walked towards the window. It was getting darker now, and I started wondering about Aiyana. Would she go through the transformation tonight? "You were the one who gave me permission," I muttered. "You told me it would be alright. Say the word and I will never be with her again."

Jim let out a harsh breath and rolled his wheelchair close to me. I felt his hand on my arm. "I know I did," he said, his voice thick.  "I know. And I do wish you guys the best. I know I would never have her even if I had both of my legs. She doesn't want me. So it is better that you have her than someone else. You guys will make each other happy. Just promise me that you'll take good care of her. She is a great woman. Smart, too. And beautiful as hell."

I felt more than tired as I left Jim's room. I felt like the worst person on the planet. I was so confused. My emotions were a mess. Guilt, love, condemnation. All mixed up. Jim was right, I thought to myself. Heather was a good choice. She was the sensible choice, the smart choice. It wouldn’t be a choice I’d make for love, but what did love have to do with anything anymore? I wasn't going to get the woman I loved, either.

I went back to the car and found the other bouquet of flowers. Then I took the elevator to Aiyana's floor at the hospital. I was thinking about how glad I had been to observe that Jim didn't seem to be tormented by voices or images like I had been after being bitten by the jaguar.

Aiyana's bed was empty. A nurse saw me and approached.

"She went home," she said. "They took her home this afternoon. The doctor wanted to keep her here, but they wouldn’t listen. Said she needed to be in familiar surroundings or something. I don't know. They were a little out of the ordinary, if you know what I mean. With all their herbs and things they wanted to burn that smelled like crazy. Glad to see them go, I tell you. All that noise those people could make. Woke up all the other patients with their laughing and singing. No one could get any rest around here. I just hope that whoever shot her won’t try it again. Whoever it was really tried to get rid of her. Or maybe it was some jealous boyfriend, you think? I guess we'll never know, will we?"

Chapter 38

Days passed and I heard nothing from Aiyana. It was Saturday and still nothing. Not that I had expected there to be, but I did long to see her again. My entire body craved to be close to her. Still, I didn't go to her, either. The atmosphere in the Kirk house was tense and I didn't want to make it worse by visiting the unpopular neighbors. Mrs. Kirk never confronted me about what she had seen in my bed that morning. But every time I saw her in the house I was met by her cool yet polite, cryptic manner. That was her way of showing me she was angry, Heather told me. She hadn't told Dr. Kirk yet apparently, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to. She was probably only warming up, Heather said, trying to find the right moment to do it in order to make the reaction less volatile. So that meant it wasn't over yet. It was an explosion waiting to happen.

I took up my schoolwork again and concentrated on my studies with a more serious approach. All the while I thought about Aiyana and if she was all right. But I knew she was as soon as I saw Halona in the yard playing with her tea set and all of her cups were floating nicely and quietly. That meant she was calm and happy. She wouldn't be if there was something to worry about. So I decided that I didn't need to be concerned, either.

Heather apparently didn't care about her parents finding out about us, for she kept coming to my room at night and climbing into my bed. And I let her. Her nightly visits brought me comfort somehow, and I started to enjoy them very much. She was no Aiyana, but no one was. No one would ever be remotely like her. I had to face that and decide that I wasn't going to be alone for the rest of my life mourning over the woman I couldn't have. My heart was broken and I missed Aiyana so badly it hurt, but I wasn't going to let that destroy the rest of my life. I was determined to get over her. I was more than that; I was resolute.

That same Saturday morning I heard from Heather that Jim came home from the hospital with his new leg. I wanted to go and see him, but Heather stopped me as I was about to walk out the door.

"He doesn't want to see anyone yet," she said. "Give him some time to adjust to this new reality of his."

"But doesn't he need a friend? Doesn't he need someone to talk to?"

She sighed and closed the door. "This is the way Jim deals with things. He doesn't like to appear weak, especially not in front of you. You know. As in the one who took me, the only one he has ever loved," she said.

I exhaled deeply. The guilt hit me again. "So you know about that huh?"

"Of course I do. Jim has loved me since we were kids. He even took me to the prom. He was like a puppy, really. Following me wherever I went. We did date at some point, but I just couldn't love him back." She put her fingers through my hair. "Not like I love you curly-boy."

I swallowed hard. "You love me?"

She smiled a beautiful and heart warm smile. "Of course, you idiot. Haven't you figured that out by now?"

I looked at her with disbelief. "I thought you were just playing around with me till you found something better to do," I said.

"Then I would probably have been tired of you by now, wouldn't I?"

"I guess."

Then she leaned over and kissed me in the middle of the hallway.

I stopped her. "What about your parents?" I whispered.

"Let me handle them," she said and touched my face with both of her hands. I grabbed her shoulders and pressed her up against the wall. Then I kissed her, and for the first time I didn't imagine I was kissing Aiyana. This time I really wanted to kiss Heather. I wanted to be with her. Why shouldn't I want that? She was gorgeous, she was intelligent and I liked her.

Later that same day they called from the newspaper. They had heard about the hunting accident and wanted to know what had happened. "Some guy lost his leg?" the editor asked.

"That's correct," I said with a sigh. I wasn't sure that Jim would want his name in the paper, so I asked them to be discrete. "Just no mentioning of names."

The editor promised me that on one account. "That you write the story. You're an excellent writer. I want you to write in details about the new attack. What happened, etc. Should people be scared? So on and so forth. Could you do that for me? I will pay of course."

"Sure, I'll do that," I said and hung up the phone. An idea was taking form in my head. I needed to go to Aiyana's. But no one could see me.

Luckily for me it was pouring down that entire afternoon. It was literally like the sky was crying, or even mourning. That meant that Heather dropped her plan of us going boating and instead went shopping at the mall with her girlfriends while Mrs. Kirk spent the afternoon at the hairdressers and Dr. Kirk was out training for his double triathlon - something that was apparently never affected by the weather. It was perfect timing. No one would see me sneak over to the house and talk to Aiyana.

I was soaked when I arrived at the porch. Florida rain will do that to you even if you're only walking a few steps to your car or like in my case to the neighbor's house. It was the kind of rain that came unexpectedly and would cause the roads to flood in minutes.

The first thing I noticed was that the rocking chair on the porch stood completely still for the first time. Then there was the quietness that I had never encountered before in this always vibrant house. No laughter, no singing was heard from its inside, and no cello music. Something was very wrong. A feeling of panic made me bang at the door with unforeseen force making it sound like it was the police in a movie or someone threatening to kick the door in. Without a sound the door opened and Halona looked at me. She wore a sadness on her face and it made my heart start racing.

"Halona. Is Aiyana alright?" I asked with a high-pitched voice.

"Who is it, Halona?" Aiyana came to the door, stunning in a black dress. "My dear God, Christian. You're soaking wet. And you're all pale. Because you thought I was dead? Oh you poor thing. Come on in."

At that moment I simply loved that she could hear my thoughts from time to time. It always felt so good to know that she understood me. I never had to explain myself. Feeling how the blood came back to my face I stepped inside in the old magical house while the rain kept pouring down outside its windows. The wooden floors made a creaking sound like the house was greeting me. Like it was as happy to see me as I was to be inside of it again. How I loved that old house.

In the kitchen I met the rest of the family. They were sitting quietly around the table smiling at me with sorrowful faces.

"So what's going on?" I asked and that's when I noticed that they were all wearing black dresses. The only ones missing were the grandmother and the apparition of the great-grandmother.

"I am glad you finally came," Aiyana said. "I have been expecting you all day. Shimasani, my grandmother, is dying today."

"Today? But ... but how do you know? Where is she?"

"She is in her room getting herself ready with Granny. She has been preparing for her departure for a couple of days now. She started to give all of her clothes away to homeless people and others in need. That's when I knew something was going on with her. So I asked her and she gave me all of her old notebooks that she has been writing in since she was a child. I promised to try and make it into a book someday. She has lived such an interesting life. She gave all of her jewelry to my mother. She hasn't been eating at all most of the week and is so tiny now that she looks like she could almost fly away to the next world on a gust of wind. Right now she is writing small letters to each of us that she will hand to us before she goes.  I knew she would at some point summon you to come and say goodbye as well. She cares so much about you. "

"Do you want me to take a look at her? Maybe there is a reason for her not eating," I said.

Aiyana laughed. "Look at you, Christian. Already the doctor."

I laughed at myself. "I guess. I might as well get used to it. But seriously, I could take a look at her if you'd like."

Wyanet got up from the table and walked towards me. She put her arm around me and held me tight. "There's no need to look at her. She has decided to die now and science has no cure for that. In our family we don't die because we're old, because our bodies don't age. But we die when the spirits are done with us here. When we are done."

I nodded sadly. I was sorry to see her leave this world, especially because I knew how much Aiyana cared for her. I was sad that she would have to endure such sorrow. I wanted to protect her against feelings like that, feelings that had hurt me so deeply when my mother had died. I never wanted her to go through a sorrow like that.