Savage Desire (Savage Lagonda 1) (43 page)

Sasha told Mara of the people who waited for word of her condition, and Tajarez held her hand as she fell asleep once more.

I AM QUITE CERTAIN THAT IN ALL THIS COUN
TRY THERE IS NEITHER GOLD NOR SILVER. ALL I FOUND WERE SMALL VILLAGES WHOSE INDIAN
INHABITANTS, FOR THE MOST PART, DO NOT
TROUBLE TO PLANT THE SOIL. THEY POSSESS
LITTLE EXCEPT THEIR LEATHER TENTS OR REED HUTS AND LIVE NOMADIC LIVES IN COMPANY
WITH THE WANDERING HERDS OF BUFFALO.

—
Francisco Vasquez de Coronado

27

With each passing day Mara grew stronger. By the end of the second week the medicine man allowed Tajarez to carry her down the stairs so she could see several of the people who had been chosen as emissaries to speak with her and assure the rest of the populace that she was recovered.

She thanked them for their concern and told them that she was regaining her strength rapidly. Mara began to realize how important the baby she was carrying was to the people. She had not fully understood before. Her baby was the hope for the future of the tribe, and if a boy, he would one day be the ruler. She began better to understand Tajarez's feelings about the color of her baby's skin.

Tajarez had been kind to her. He had sat by her bedside for hours at a time, talking to her, telling her about the huge canyon that he had just returned from, or just sitting quietly as she slept. Most of the time when she awoke he would be in her room, and sometimes he would be asleep on the cushions beside her bed.

No words of love were spoken by either of them, nor did they speak of their long weeks of separation. Sometimes Mara would catch Tajarez watching her with a particular look in his eyes and would long for him to take her in his arms and comfort her. She needed his strength and reassurance, but he did not seem to be aware of her need, and she was too proud to tell him.

The winter was bitterly cold, but it did not affect Mara very much since she had been ordered by the medicine man not to venture outside, and to keep warm.

One morning she was standing with Jeffery and Sasha by the big window in the anteroom, looking below at the snow that covered the ground. A bright sun was shining, and as its light fell on the snow it seemed to turn to shining crystal.

"Remember, Jeffery, when we used to play in the snow and would build a snowman?" Her voice sounded so wistful, Jeffery caught Sasha's eye.

"Have you ever built a snowman, Sasha?" he asked.

"No, I do not know what a snowman is."

"What! A wife who does not know how to build a snowman? This is unthinkable," he teased. "Get a wrap, woman. You and I are going to build Mara a snowman."

Mara laughed and clapped her hands as Jeffery led Sasha through the door. She was unaware that Tajarez and his father watched her from across the room.

"Mara seems to be fully recovered, my son. There is more color to her cheeks, and she glows with an inner glow that only happens to a woman when she is carrying a child."

Tajarez walked over to where Mara stood. She was looking out the window, smiling. As he reached her side, she burst out laughing, delighted with Jeffery's attempt at making a snowman. Tajarez felt jealous that it was Jeffery and not he who made her laugh.

He looked below and watched as Jeffery and Sasha played in the snow. They had been joined by many young children, and Jeffery was instructing them on how to build a snowman. Mara laughed as Sasha pelted Jeffery with a snowball and he chased after her, only to lose his footing and fall down in the snow.

Soon the snowman was completed and Jeffery looked up to Mara and gave her an exaggerated bow. She clapped her hands and laughed.

"You would like to play in the snow, Mara?" Tajarez asked.

She flashed him a smile. "No, not now. But when my baby grows older, it will be such fun teaching him how to play in the snow."

"Him?"

"I do not like calling my baby an it. I often think he is a boy."

"You are feeling well?"

"A bit clumsy and awkward, and very fat, but my health is good."

"I do not think you are clumsy and awkward. To me, you are more beautiful than you have ever been."

Mara looked at him. It was the first really personal thing he had said to her since she had been ill. They treated each other like two polite strangers, each being afraid that the other would see how he felt.

The medicine man had ordered Mara and Tajarez to sleep apart until after the baby was born. There were times when Mara would wake in the middle of the night and wish Tajarez was lying beside her. But she said nothing to him, he was so cold and distant and very unapproachable. Her heart cried out for the love they had once shared. The baby that should have brought them closer together had ripped them apart.

Tajarez had been kind to her while she was recovering, and even now he was kind, but that was not what she wanted from him. She wanted things to be as they had once been between them. They had had such a short time of happiness together—only the time spent in her Eden.

She felt his hand brush her cheek and experienced deep longing and pain.

"The medicine man has told my father he wants you to be moved downstairs. He does not want you to climb the stairs anymore until after the baby is born."

Mara blinked. "When?"

"It has already been attended to. You will occupy the room just off the anteroom. Palomas will occupy the room next to it, and the medicine man and the midwife will have rooms across the hall from you."

Mara could feel the distance between them gaping like the vast canyon Tajarez had told her about, and she felt they would never find their way back to each other. It had been bad enough sleeping in the room next to Tajarez, but now she would not even be sleeping on the same floor with him.

"I think it will be a more suitable arrangement for you, Mara."

"Yes, of course," she said with a heavy heart.

Hamez joined them and slipped his arm around Mara's shoulder. "Jeffery and Sasha seem to be enjoying the snow."

"Yes, my brother has a knack for enjoying life in general, and he inspires those around him to do the same."

"So I have noticed, my daughter, on numerous occasions. He has won my respect."

Tajarez wanted to reach out to Mara. He wanted her to look at him, to really see him, but he did not see any sign of love in her eyes. Had he killed any love she had once had for him? How could he go on day after day, watching her from a distance, being on the outside, wanting her love but not knowing how to reach out for it? He had been so eaten up with doubts about his own baby that he had pushed her away from him and then ridden away from her like some youth who was pouting because he had not gotten his own way.

Jeffery and Sasha came running into the room, bringing with them a blast of frigid air and a feeling of joy. Jeffery presented Mara with a snowball. "For you, little sister."

She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. "Have I ever told you that you are the best brother a girl could have?"

"David might not agree with you," he told her laughingly.

"We shall not tell him then that he is the second-best," Mara told him.

Jeffery kissed her cheek. "Have I told you that you are the best sister a brother could have?"

"That is easy for you to say," she teased, "you have no other sister to compare me with."

"That is why you are the best," he said affectionately.

Tajarez turned and walked away. Mara did not notice his departure, she was looking down below at the children playing in the snow, but Hamez and Jeffery noticed the dark, brooding expression on Tajarez's face, and both were troubled by it.

That night as Mara lay in her bed in the strange room, she felt very lonely. Even if she and Tajarez did not share the same room, she had taken comfort in knowing he was in the room next to hers. Now it seemed she had been banished to obscurity.

She picked up her father's journal and tried to concentrate on it, but she was feeling too miserable. The figures danced before her eyes and made no sense to her. There was a light tap on her door. Expecting it to be Sasha or Jeffery, she called out for them to enter.

Her heart stood still as she saw Tajarez enter her room. He looked so handsome. His dark hair glistened with a blue sheen in the soft candlelight, his dark eyes scanned her face.

"I came to see if you are comfortable in your new surroundings."

"Yes, they are very grand," she said breathlessly.

He sat down on the edge of her bed. Mara wanted to reach out and touch him, and more than anything she wanted to feel his arms around her.

"I see you are reading your father's papers. Sagas has told me of the progress you have made in unraveling the past." His eyes were on her lips, and Mara could feel her heart drumming.

'Yes. I am very pleased with the progress."

"Mara, does my baby still move within your body?"

Mara felt her throat ache. "Yes," she whispered. "He is especially active when I am lying down at night. He seems to sense when I am relaxed, and chooses that time to let me know he is with me." She hesitated shyly. "Would you like to feel him?"

Tajarez looked deeply into her eyes. "Yes, if you would not mind."

Mara reached for his hand, and pulling the covers down, placed his hand on her swollen stomach. "You may have to wait for just a moment." She could feel the warmth of his hand through her nightgown.

The room was silent as they both waited for the child to make his presence felt.

"Maybe he is sleeping," Tajarez said, not wanting to end the contact with Mara. Slowly, without his being aware he was doing it, Tajarez's hand began to move caressingly over her stomach. Mara drew in her breath as his sensuous movements stirred a fire within her most inner self. The baby chose that moment to move.

Tajarez looked at Mara in wonder. "He is very strong, much stronger than when I first felt him move." Mara looked at him, puzzled. "When did you feel him move?'

"The night you were so ill."

"I see, I did not know."

"Would you mind if I stayed with you for a while, Mara? It is lonely in my room without you next door."

Mara was startled by his declaration. "I would be pleased if you would stay."

His hand remained on her stomach. "I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, about the baby." His hands moved up her body. He seemed to have no control over their movements. He felt her breasts underneath the thin nightgown. They seemed swollen, larger than he remembered.

A fire was burning within him. "Mara," he whispered in anguish. "Beloved." Slowly, ever so slowly, he bent his head forward, his eyes on her parted lips. "Kiss me, Mara, kiss me." His lips covered hers in a kiss that was so gentle, so tender. Her arms slid around his shoulders. Her fingers moved to his hair, feeling the silky texture, holding him closer. A flood of emotions that had been dammed up broke through the barrier. Tajarez lowered his body so he was lying beside her. He pulled her closer, needing to feel her body pressed to his. The swell of her stomach reminded him of her vulnerability and he broke off the kiss.

"I am sorry, Mara, I could not seem to stop myself."

"Why, Tajarez?" She waited, needing to hear that he loved her.

"Can you not see what is before your own eyes, Mara? Everyone but you is aware of my feelings for you, or is it that you no longer care?"

"I care, Tajarez. I care very much. It was not I who left you, remember?"

"You left my bed, Mara," he said accusingly.

"Yes, well maybe I was wrong. We were both wrong, Tajarez," she said, swinging her feet off the side of the bed and walking over to the window. The shutters were closed, keeping out the cold, but suddenly she felt very chilled. She shivered, feeling the cold marble floor beneath her bare feet.

"1 do not know what you want from me, Tajarez."

"Do you not, Mara?"

"Yes, I suppose I do. I know you are sorry that you married me. I am sure every time you look at my white skin you feel revulsion, and now with me so awkward and clumsy, you must think me very ugly." Mara looked at the ceiling. "I am sorry, Tajarez. It seems that I am always here to remind you of what you hate most in the world."

He moved from the bed and crossed the room to her. "No, Mara, I do not feel revulsion when I look at you. I told you before that I do not find you clumsy or awkward, rather I find you are all the more beautiful now."

Mara turned to him. "I thought there was to be only truth between us, Tajarez. You made a point of it when you told me how you felt about my baby."

He took her hand and found it was cold to the touch. Against her protest he lifted her into his arms and carried her back to bed. Laying her down gently, he pulled the covers up around her shoulders and sat down beside her.

"The medicine man has told me that I must not let you become upset, and it seems that is exactly what has occurred."

Mara sank down beneath the covers and turned her back to him. She did not want him to see that she was crying.

"We will talk when you are more rested. Is there anything you need?"