Save Me (31 page)

Chapter Fifty-Four

Tegan

“Morning,” I whispered as I rolled off Kai’s perfect begging-to-be-licked-and-bit chest.

“
Morning, princess.”

“You alright?” He
nodded, kissed me for less than a second and got up. What was that? Was it something I’d done or was it Isaac? Either way, I hated him being sad and seeing the light in his eyes dull to nothing.

I got dressed awkwardly in the small tent, and followed Kai outside.

The atmosphere was different today, Kai’s family smiled and talked about Isaac but I could see and feel the sadness. Kai barely said a word all morning. He pulled me onto his lap and laid his chin on my shoulder as I silently listened to stories about his little brother.

On a few occasions
, Melanie looked like she was going to cry but she’d told me that she won’t let herself cry on his birthday. It was supposed to be a happy time and she could wait until she was home. I was in awe of her strength and her determination to make Isaac’s birthday a day to celebrate, having known him for just six short years.

I couldn’t hold back the tears when Mel
anie talked about Isaac’s obsession with the army and his love of the dog tags Kai now wore. The entire time Kai gripped them in one hand and held me tight with his other arm. I loved how much he loved his little brother.

“Walk with me?”
Kai asked once Melanie had finished her story.

I got off his lap, let him take my hand and lead the way.

“How’re you doing?” I asked when we were out of earshot.

“I’m alright,” he replied tightly. “Better having you here.” He squeezed my hand that little bit harder and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. I was glad I was here, too.
I wanted, needed, to be there for him.

“Good.
”

We walked deep into the woods and usually I’d be concerned but Kai seemed to know where he was going so I didn’t worry. “
I wish I could’ve met Isaac, he sounds like an awesome kid.”

“He was. Annoying as fuck but I loved him like mad and would’ve done anything for him.”

“You were a great brother to him, Kai, and I know you feel guilty over what happened but I don’t believe he could’ve ever been mad at you for a second.”

“I don’t know. When everything was explained, sure, I believe that he understood there was nothing I could’ve done or I would’ve done it
. But I fixed things, always had. I was the one that mended his toys and took his floating fish to the vet and brought it back healthy. When Mum told him he had poorly blood he said…” Clenching his jaw, he blinked hard and took a deep breath. “He said ‘that’s okay, Kai will fix it’ and I’d never felt so utterly helpless as I did in that moment. I knew then that he wouldn’t make it. I could fix most things but I couldn’t fix his blood.”

The pain in his voice cut me open. My heart hurt for him. I wiped a tear, unsure of what to say
. It was so unfair that Isaac lost his life; he was just a child.

Guilt over what you co
uldn’t control was something I had first-hand experience with, so I couldn’t preach too much to him and make myself a hypocrite.

“I’m sorry, Kai,” I whispered, swallowing the ache in my chest. “
It was a horrible, terrible and devastating situation.”

“Yeah,” he replied, bringing us to a stop.

“Tegan, I love that you’re here and that you want to talk about Isaac and help but can we please talk about something else. I just… I need to not think about it for a bit.”

I hugged him because he broke my heart.
The way he held on to me made me ache for him. “We can talk about whatever you like.”

Burying his head in my hair, he replied, “Thank you, princess.”

He pulled back abruptly and covered his mouth over mine, kissing me fiercely and fisting my hair. I gasped into the kiss and wrapped my arms around him once the initial shock had worn off.

His mouth was urgent, tongue practically fucking my mouth. I was all worked up and ready to screw his brains out in under ten seconds. “Kai,”
I said as he broke out of the kiss to lick and bite my neck.

He groaned and lifted me with one arm, sinking us to the floor. Jesus. I was left straddling his hips and hyperventilating on the fore
st floor as his lips and teeth grazed over the sensitive skin below my ear.

“Kai
, what’re you doing?”

He groaned and pressed his forehead against mine
. His eyes were wild. “I need you, Tegan,” he whispered before kissing me again. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing my body against his.

Kai wasn’t in the mood to take things s
low, he got to work on my jeans, undoing the button and tugging until I stood up. He slid them down my legs and sat up straighter, holding my hips as I tried to sit back down.

Shaking his head, he said, “I want to taste you.”

My legs trembled at the thought and I felt like I would spontaneously combust, which, let’s face it, would be disastrous in the woods. My thong was the next thing to go. Kai peeled it off, trailing his fingers over my skin as he went. His touch had my head rolling back.

“Kai,” I whimpered. The cool air felt amazing against my overheated body. His lips connected with my inner thigh and I moaned. “Please.” Two minutes ago he was out of control and now he was torturing me.

He licked up my leg and attached his mouth to my clit. Crying out at the sudden pressure of his tongue, I arched my hips into his face and gripped his hair. If he kept that up I was going to collapse soon.

I ached almost instantly, desperate with the need to come. His tongue lapped at me, swirling around the bud and dipping into my core. I burned. Fucking
burned
. I was so close and had totally lost all control I had, moaning loudly without shame and meeting every thrust of his tongue.

“Kai,” I said. “Fuck.” My body shook. He sucked on my clit and I came apart on his mouth, clenching around his tongue as he rode out my orgasm.

The very second I let go of his hair he ripped open the zip on his jeans and got them down. Not taking his eyes off me, he pumped into my hand with wild eyes. Jesus, that was
so
hot.

“Come here,” he said. His voice was so low and so husky it didn’t even sound like him. He continued pumping until I
’d straddled his hips and he guided himself inside. His eyes rolled back and I moaned as he filled me. I bit my lip, still oversensitive from coming just seconds ago.

“You feel so good,” he said and kissed me again. One of his hands was in my hair, tugging lightly while the other wrapped around my back and guid
ed me to the rhythm he wanted – fucking fast. I raised my hips up and slammed down as he pulled me onto him.

I bucked harder as
I felt another orgasm building. Kai groaned into my mouth and thrust his tongue inside, fighting against my own. His fingertips bit into my scalp and hip. It didn’t hurt, it would probably bruise but it felt oh-so bloody amazing. Tearing my mouth away from his, I cried out as my orgasm hit me like a tidal wave, washing over me again and again.

Kai grunted, burying his head in my neck as he slammed me down hard and came violently. “Fucking hell,” he panted.

Yeah, that was about it. I was seeing dots dancing in front of my face and collapsed against his chest. Kai held me, stroking my hair and t-shirt covered back for many minutes. That was probably the best sex I’d ever had.

I pulled back when I started to get cold and kissed his swollen lips.
“We should get back. Your grandparents will be here soon.”

“Mmm hmm,”
he mumbled.

Laughing, I got off his lap
carefully and put my underwear and jeans back on. “Come on.”

He watched me get completely dressed, enjoying the show, before he moved.

Pervert.

His grandparents were already
there when we got back to camp. Everyone was sitting around and cooking on the fire. We’d been gone for hours and missed helping set everything up.

There were green
balloons hanging from the trees and birthday banners taped to the tents, a large cake was on the small table where the other food was starting to pile up. His family didn’t seem surprised that we’d been gone so long and I felt my cheeks heat. It was probably obvious, especially since Kai had a stupid, satisfied grin on his face.

“So this is Tegan!” his
nan said and hugged me.

“Yes, Nan, this is Tegan,” Kai said, introducing me to them both.

The night was spent eating lots of food and enjoying more stories about Isaac. There were loads and by the time everyone went to bed I felt like I knew him, too. I was so humbled that they allowed me to be a part of their family tradition, it was such a personal and important one and they’d welcomed me in like I was part of the family. I kind of loved them all pretty hard for it.

In the morning we ate a quick breakfast of sausages and eggs and then packed everything away. I didn’t want to leave. It was so nice being away from reality in a bubble.

“Why don’t you all go ahead to the cars, there’s something I need to do with Tegan,” Mel
anie said. What do we have to do? Kai looked at me for a second before walking off with his dad and sisters. He so knew what was happening. Why didn’t he bloody tell me?

“
What’re we doing?” I asked. She pulled out a red rose from her bag and led me towards the river. That didn’t help at all.

“I want you to let this rose go in the river.” She handed it to me and I stared at her blankly.
Right, I could do that… but why?

“Alright…”

“The rose represents your dad and the guilt you’re holding on to. You need to let it all go and say goodbye.”

The rose suddenly weighed a hundred pounds
and my hand tightened around the thorn-less stem. My heart raced.
I can’t do that.

“What happened was a
tragedy, Tegan, but it wasn’t your fault and there is nothing you could have done to stop it. You couldn’t have possibly known what was going to happen. No more guilt, Tegan. 
It wasn’t your fault
,” she repeated, emphasising her words.

I blinked b
ack the tears and shook my head. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“
I know, sweetheart, but saying goodbye doesn’t mean that you’re forgetting him or that you love him any less. Saying goodbye just means that you’re moving on with your life. He’ll still be part of it. You are allowed to be happy. I’m not going to pressure you to do this because it has to be when you’re ready.”

She obviously thought I was ready. Sometimes I thought I was.
Here goes...

I took a deep breath and moved closer to the edge of the river.
I’m allowed to be happy.
I held my breath and closed my eyes. I could do this. I could let him go enough to release some of the pain and guilt and be happy. He would always be my dad.

At the same time as I let go of the rose a single tear rolled down my cheek.
I wanted to dive after it. A sob left my throat and my eyes flew open to see the flower fall in the water and gracefully float away from me. It hurt but it also felt like a huge weight had been lifted and I could breathe properly. I finally understood what I couldn’t grasp before; saying goodbye didn’t mean I didn’t love him.

I clenched my jaw as I stood up
out of the water for the first time since he died. I was no longer drowning. The fog lifted and I could see everything so clearly, everything I’d done, how I’d treated people I cared about. Guilt over my dad was replaced with guilt over everyone else in my life, and shame for how I’d let myself get so lost. I could handle that though, I was stronger and I could face everything and, hopefully, put it all right.

With a deep breath, I looked up to the sky through my tears and whispered,
“Bye, Daddy.”

Chapter Fifty-Fi
ve

Tegan

Taking a deep breath, I rang Lucas’s doorbell. My stomach was rolling over and my palms were sweaty. I’d never been so nervous as I was to see him again after everything that’d happened.

It’d been almost two months since I’d last seen him and I missed him a lot. Summer had been fun, I’d spent most of it with Kai, when he wasn’t at work, and Sophie. My mum and Ava also featured a lot and I was happy that we could hang out like a normal family now.

My final year at Sixth Form was about to start and I wanted to be able to concentrate without any mess. That meant doing something I’d wanted to do for a while and sorting things out with Luke once and for all.

He opened the door
after what felt like an hour and looked at me with no emotion whatsoever.
Oh, God, I’ve really screwed up.

“Hi,” I whispered, playing with the sleeve of my jacket.

“Hi.” He stepped to the side. “Come in.”

“Thanks.” Once inside
, I slipped my shoes off and turned to him. His emotionless expression made my heart ache. His eyes that once shone for me were empty. “Luke, can we talk somewhere?”

“Everyone’s out. Come through to the living room.”

The fact that he said the living room and not the bedroom didn’t look great for me. Although, that might be for the best. Lucas sat on the single seat, meaning I had to be on a separate one. Could he not even be within two feet of me anymore?

Lowering myself on the seat, I asked,
“How have you been?”

His eyebrows shot up. “Not great
at first…but okay now.” Okay now was good, I guess. I didn’t want him to be unhappy. “What about you?”

“It’s been hard,” I admitted honestly. “I’ve missed you.”

He sighed. “I’ve missed you, too. So much.” Here was the headfuck part. We were doing okay but missed each other. I wasn’t sure if that meant we were just stronger as individuals and could make it work or we’d changed and were better off apart.

“Have you worked through everything?”
he asked.

“
You can say his name, Lucas. I’m really okay now. Well, not completely, but I’m getting there.”

“That’s
really great.” He smiled, looking genuinely pleased for me. “So, is Kai’s mum helping?”

“Yeah, she’s been amazing.
I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have her. But it was you letting me go that finally gave me the freedom and the shove I needed to face up to everything. I owe you so much.” Lucas and Kai. I owed them both my life. Before them I wasn’t going anywhere, not anywhere good anyway.

He shook his head and leant back, throwing his arm over the back of the sofa. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m just glad you’re facing it and things are getting better for you. They are
, right?”

“Yeah. Sixth f
orm is going well, I can talk about Dad, visit his grave and look through pictures. It’s nice to remember the good things and feel happy rather than despair and loneliness.”

“Good. Seems like everything’s pretty much perfect now.” He frowned as he realised how that sounded. Perfect wasn’t the right word to use. “Sorry. You know what I mean
, though.”

“Yeah, I do. Things are good… Apart from us.”

His jaw tightened. We needed to sort this mess out. He was so important to me and I hated us not talking. There were things I needed to say, about a million apologies I needed to make. It was embarrassing. Facing up to the things you’d done wrong wasn’t easy but I could see things clearer now. I knew what I’d done wrong – and not just to Lucas – and I was more than ready to make it up to the people I’d hurt.

“So,”
I said, biting the inside of my cheek. “How do you feel?”

“I…” He paused and sighed. “I do love you, Tegan, but I don’t know. Everything was so quick.”

“Way too quick,” I agreed. There was no getting to know each other properly; we just jumped straight into a serious relationship and assumed everything would magically work out.

We weren’
t really ready for it – me especially. Our expectations were those of a child’s who still thought fairy tales were real. Life didn’t happen like that, people made mistakes and relationships – any relationships – took work.

“
You were right, Luke. I did need to sort myself out before I could be with anyone. I’m so,
so
sorry for how I acted and the things I said. I know you were just trying to do the best thing.”

“It’s okay. I knew you wouldn’
t see it how it was right when I broke it off. I expected worse actually. I deserved worse.”

“You didn’t
, but what did you think I was going to do?”

He grinned. “Bea
t me. I think I got off lightly.”

It was nice of him to
make light of everything but we both still knew I was a bitch. “I’m sorry for the yelling, no matter what you say, you really didn’t deserve that. So, what happens now? What do you want?

“We don’t work together
, do we.” It wasn’t a question. Deep down we both knew the answer.

“
No,” I replied, “we don’t.” My eyes started to sting.
Keep it together.
I really didn’t want to ugly cry in front of him. “I don’t want to lose you, though.”

“Neither do I
.” He got up from his chair and moved next to me, wrapping me up in one of his arms. That was better. I needed him to not hate me enough to touch me. “There’s just too much to make this work and I think we’d both end up hating each other if we force it. I think we’re better as friends.”

That was what I thought
, too, and what I wanted, but it was still hard to agree that we were never going to get back together. “I’d really like the friend thing.”

“
Good.”  He leant over and kissed me softly for one second. I knew that was it, the goodbye kiss that officially ended our relationship once and for all. I gulped and blinked rapidly, trying to stop myself from crying. Even though it was a mutual decision it still royally sucked.

When I’d composed myself, I smiled at Lucas. “What else has been going on then?” Friends would ask that, right?

“Not much, been racing a lot.”

“Do you race for anything?”

“It’s not Fast and the Furious, Tegan.”

“Well
, I don’t know,” I said. “It just seems pointless to do it for no reason.”

“There’s a
reason. You race for the biggest balls.”

“Lovely,” I replied, turning my nose up in disgust. I wished I never asked. “Can I come again?”

“Wanna perv over the Lamborghini?”

I nodded. That car was amazing. “And you can take me out in it again and let me have a go. Danny doesn’t need to know a thing.”

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.”

I laughed and laid back in the sofa. This was going well. The friend thing was going to work.

“Tell me how sixth f
orm is going? Are you going to uni?”

I launched into giving him the low down on
my classes and what I wanted to do once I’d finished my A levels, which wasn’t a long discussion because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go on to university yet. It was really nice to have a conversation with him that wasn’t intense or full of tension.

“
I should get going,” I said after forty-five minutes of chatting.

“Alright.”
He got up with me and walked to the front door. “You sure you don’t want me to take you home?” he asked.

“Thanks but I already have a bus ticket.”

“Okay, I’ll see you soon.” We exchanged a hug and I kissed him on the cheek. It felt normal and finally uncomplicated.

“See you later, Tegan.”

I turned around and said, “Thank you so much, Lucas.”

“For what?”

“For saving me.”

He nodded, his lips pulled up into a genuine smile.

‘Thank you’ seemed so small compared to what he did for me but I didn’t know what else to say. There was nothing huge enough to describe how grateful I was to him. He let me go despite not wanting to so I could concentrate on getting better.

Walking
away from Lucas felt odd. We were one hundred per cent over but I felt fine about it. I wanted him in my life but friendship was all we were supposed to have and I was so lucky that we managed to get past the crap to be friends.

“How did it go?” Mum asked the second I stepped through the door

“Good, actually.”

“Really? That’s great. What happened? What did you decide to do?”

I held my hands up
. “Can I get properly inside the house before you start the inquisition?”

Mum waited literally until
I was sitting down before asking, “So, what happened?”

“We talked about what we wa
nted and realised we just want to be friends. That was about it.”

“That was it?” Ava said flatly.

“Okay, no, but that’s all I’m going to tell you.” I grinned smugly and reached for the bowl of peanut M&Ms. They already had the junk food laid out, result. “I think things are going to be okay. I’m determined to work on fixing it like I am with you two.”

“It’s fixed, Tegan. We’re family, you’re my
daughter
, and I will never stop loving you. No matter what you do or how big of a pain in the arse you become, our relationship will always be fixable, I will always forgive because that’s what you do when you’re a mother.”

A few months ago I wouldn’t have believed that, I wasn’t close to them and I barely felt like family but that’d changed. It wasn’t just what you did when you were a mum it was what you did when you loved someone and I loved them both so much.

“See, baby sis, everything is fine so stop worrying and feeling guilty. It’s done, you’ve apologised a thousand times and you’ve changed your life. We forgave you a long time ago.”

“Thanks, Ava,” I said.

She smiled and added, “So, you’re really not going to spill? It’s a girls’ night, it’s like compulsory.”

I rolled my eyes, though she did have
a point. But I’d only just started joining in on their girls’ nights so I didn’t feel compelled to spill all. “If I feel like it later I’ll tell, okay?” I said. That was the best she was going to get because, frankly, it was private and that’s how I liked it.