Save the Last Bullet for God (6 page)

…

It was hard to get out of bed the next
morning, but during the night, I had made a decision and resolved
to go my own way and only focus on my classes. It’d be easier that
way, and besides, what choice did I really have? Maybe I’d even
return to Dr. Freud for a few psychiatric sessions. I went to
school and once again attended all my classes. I even extracted
promises of help from friends to help me make up the classes I’d
missed.

On the way to the hospital I began to think
about whether I could manage still working there. I had decided to
never see Maria again, but when I entered the staff room and began
changing my clothes for work, old Eldwin came in.

I gave him a silent greeting and rushed into
my uniform so that I could leave the room.

His transparent blue eyes stopped me and the
old man began to talk. “That girl of yours…she was badly beaten up
in a fight between some patients during the day. She had to be
taken to the infirmary.”

I wanted to say, “I’m not interested in that
girl anymore,” but I had to swallow those words in pain as my
emotions rushed to the surface.

“How could that happen?” I asked him. “Was
there no one…What kind of hospital is this?”

“Everything happened all of a sudden, right
between the meal break and the shift change, and it was over by the
time they stepped in,” the old man explained.

I pushed past him to go see her, but he
stopped me.

“There’s a strict order for you not to see
her. You can’t even get close to the women’s ward.”

“You can arrange it if you want to.”

“Impossible; don’t get me into trouble. I
already regret that I told you what happened.”

“I wouldn’t ask you unless I had to. They’ve
taken my keys. Only you can help me.”

I stood in front of him, wearing my most
pleading expression.

Eldwin sighed. “Be at the infirmary at 10
p.m. I’ll try to take the patient to the infirmary with the excuse
of a bleeding wound. But as I said, I’ll try. It’s not for sure,
okay?”

“Bleeding wound? What happened?” I began to
shake.

“It’s not so bad. Calm down, go back to your
job, and…”

Eldwin looked over his shoulder, then back at
me. “Get three yellow pills when you’re there,” he added
quietly.

I nodded and Eldwin left the room.

Fortunately, I still had the keys to the
infirmary. I went there early and waited. I dozed off for a while
and was startled awake by the faint sound of someone walking along
the corridor. Quickly, I pulled myself together before the door
slowly opened, and the old man came in, pulling Maria inside with
one hand.

I felt dizzy when I saw the purple color
around her closed eye, the wounds on her face and neck, and the
tincture of iodine stains mixed with the blood on her dressings.
When the old caregiver left, I embraced her petite frame, and,
being careful with her wounds, pulled her head onto my neck and
lightly caressed her hair.

I whispered into her ear, my voice shaky
because of the lump in my throat,

“What happened to you? What did they do to
you? I’m so sorry. I should have protected you.”

The words caught in my throat, and I was on
the verge of tears. I had to pull myself together; crying like an
idiot was the last thing I wanted to do. Taking a deep breath, I
released my embrace, gently held her hands, and led her to a
chair.

She was pale, weak, and desperate, yet still
graceful.

“Don’t look at me,” she said. “It hurts for
you to see me like this.”

“Shhhh…It’s okay, everything’ll be alright. I
don’t care how you look… you’re still so beautiful.”

“
I am so bad,” Maria whimpered. “I
can’t take it anymore. I’m trying my best to be okay and normal,
and this is the result, you see? Don’t waste your time with me,
Wilhelm. I’ll never be okay. It doesn’t end.”

“That’s something that you could say to
others, those who don’t know you. I’ll never leave you. You believe
me, don’t you?”

With my finger, I wiped away the traces of
teardrops on the edges of her eyes. I tasted the salt on my finger,
and, leaning down, I kissed her first on her forehead and then on
her cheek.

“I’ll take you out of here, I promise. I
will.”

Staring at me with teary eyes, she cried,
“I’m begging you, do not give me hollow hopes. I would be
destroyed. I cannot pull myself together again.”

“Maria. I promise…Tomorrow, at midnight. Be
ready at twelve sharp. I’ll get you out of here.”

“But how?”

“Trust me.”

She looked at me, questioning my plan. “There
are locked doors everywhere and a lot of guards.If something
happens—”

“Don’t worry, okay?” I said, interrupting. “I
don’t have a plan now, but I will. Just be ready tomorrow and take
care of yourself.”

She stood up and gave me a hug. I hugged her
back. Eldwin returned and I handed my beloved over to the old man.
I was too overwhelmed to follow them. I stayed for a while in the
infirmary to sort my thoughts. There was no turning back now.

…

The next day I wandered the streets of Vienna
formulating my plan and buying clothes for Maria.

When I returned to the hospital early, I put
the clothes into a cabinet in the staff room and went to find
Eldwin. He was sitting in the cafeteria smoking and sipping coffee.
I sat down beside him and stared at him quietly. After another sip,
he set his coffee down and looked back at me.

I looked around to see that no one was
looking at us and said, “I’m going to take Maria out of the
hospital tonight.”

“Good luck,” he said. The old man didn’t seem
shocked.

“I don’t have the keys for that side, so I’ll
need your help.”

Eldwin said nothing and returned to drinking
his coffee.

“Did you hear me Eldwin? I need your
help.”

“And what happens to me when people find out
I helped you?”

I sat staring at him dumbfounded. The old man
was my only hope to save Maria.

“This is the last favor I’ll ever ask of
you,” I tried. “Just leave the doors open after midnight. Nothing
else, soldier’s promise.”

Eldwin took a puff of his cigarette while
peering at me. He wasn’t satisfied. I leaned in closer to tell him
what he wanted to hear.

“I can give you all the pills in my stash,” I
said. “I have fourteen here and you can have them all, just for
leaving a few doors open.” I took a creased roll of paper out of my
pocket and held it out to him.

After a furtive glance around, he took the
roll and placed it in his pocket.

What I did next was pure improvisation. I
waited in the nurses’ room with the clothes I’d bought for Maria
and my eyes on the clock. Ten minutes before midnight, I stood up
with great self-possession, put the clothes back into the cabinet,
washed my face, and left the room. I silently went up the deserted
stairs of the hospital to the women’s ward and saw the iron door
into the ward was slightly ajar. As I approached the door, the calm
I’d felt until then suddenly disappeared, and my heart began to
race. A fine sheen of sweat lay on my face, and my hands shook.
Hoping the nurse wasn’t at her desk, I slowly pushed the door open
and headed into the dark corridor.

As luck would have it, the nurse’s desk was
empty and the corridor was deserted. But I also noticed that the
door of Room 17 was also half open, and I began to hear noises
coming from inside.

When I entered the room, my expectations of a
pitch-black room with sleeping patients were completely dashed. All
the lights were on, and the patients were awake. They were standing
by the wall, screaming out in fear while trying to protect their
heads. To my dismay, everyone in the hospital was in the room,
including staff members from other floors and even some nurses and
on-call doctors. Some were frantically trying to calm the patients
down while others were gathered around the bed by the window,
engaged in serious discussion.

The group had their backs to me and, as I
approached, I saw blood on the floor. I noticed a few drops at
first and then I saw the pool of blood around the bed by the
window. Maria! I wanted to scream, until I registered that it
wasn’t Maria’s bed. It was the bed of the old woman who slept with
her eyes open. The sheets on her bed and everything around her was
covered in blood, and dangling from the bed were the old woman’s
cut wrists. I took a deep breath in relief when a hand touched my
shoulder. I turned around to see Maria standing there in all her
beauty. She touched my lips to keep me quiet and pulled me to the
door. We stepped silently out of the room and scurried down the
stairs and then to my room. I gave her the clothes and turned my
back as she dressed. As I was trying to pick up her patient’s
outfit, a bunch of keys fell on the floor. The metallic sound
echoed through the room and out into the corridor. We caught each
other’s eye.

Rummaging in the cabinet, she found a coat
and covered her head with the hood. She kicked the keys under the
bed and dragged me out into the hall.

We moved toward the exit, passed through the
main door, entered the dark garden, and strode onto the gravel
path. As we approached the guardhouse, we slowed down and headed
more calmly toward the exit. The guard shifted a bit in his chair,
looking sleepy in the dim light, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Then he saw me, and he saw the person next to me. The guard opened
his window and stared at me.

“I’m accompanying this nurse,” I explained.
“Her father’s ill, and she has to go home.”

The guard looked me up and down and looked
again at Maria. “Hope he gets well soon, miss,” he said.

Maria bowed her head with a slight smile.

As we took a step forward, the guard stuck
his head out the window and turned to me. “Do I look stupid? I know
all the nurses working here. And none of them wear patient’s
slippers.”

I froze and looked at Maria. She gazed into
my eyes and I suddenly felt a power inside me that I didn’t know I
had. I turned and hit the guard right in the middle of his smirking
face and pulled him toward me before he knew what was happening. I
shoved his head against the frame of the window so that it
shattered the glass. Now his shoulders and head hung out of the
window and I saw blood from the cuts on his face dripping onto the
ground. I glanced at Maria once more before I let the blow that
would knock him unconscious fall on the nape of his neck.

“Idiot,” I murmured. “You know how to observe
others but don’t know how to protect yourself.”

Then I grabbed her hand and we ran out of the
gate.

. . .

Through the half-drawn curtains in our hotel
room, I made out the pale reflections of streetlights and heard the
whisper of a few cars on the road near the train station. It was
early morning and the fear I’d felt on the dark streets outside the
hospital had finally subsided. Now I felt that we had our own world
where no one could touch us.

For the first time, we were alone together,
and we fell easily back into the same habit we’d developed in the
hospital. We sat beside each other on the edge of the bed in the
dark room and looked at the night sky through the half-open window.
The unfamiliar smell of the room had already disappeared. I could
only take in the smell of her beautiful body and the only sound I
heard was her light breathing.

Neither of us spoke.

While her eyes lingered on the dark sky, I
looked over at her. I looked past the wounds that were starting to
form scabs, the dressings with their tincture of iodine, and the
black eye that had begun to open, and I saw Maria. She was
beautiful.

Gently, I touched her cheek with my hand. Her
deep blue eyes left the night sky and went to the floor first, then
to me. I put my arms around her shoulders and as she bashfully
looked at the floor, a smile came to her face. I felt her warmth
and her trembling, and I longed to touch her longer and protect
her.

Laying a finger on her chin, I turned her
face toward mine. I gently pressed my lips to hers, and her wet
lips soon opened to a passionate kiss. I pulled her toward me with
a breath, and we lay down on the bed. I had been with women before
but never someone I had loved. As the night welcomed the day, our
bodies united, and we became one. Together, we felt the pleasure of
being unaware of what belonged to whom.

Covered in sweat, we lay on our sides and I
placed a small kiss on the nape of her neck as I whispered into her
ear, “I love you, and I’ll never leave you.” This was the first
thing I’d said since we arrived. She turned and looked at me and
pressed her index finger to my lips.

“
I’m feeling tired and…,” she said with
a sigh, “It has been a long time since I had a long, warm
bath.”

“Okay, darling.”

She got up silently, and headed toward the
bathroom. I watched the shadow of her curves disappeared behind the
door.

…

I drifted off into a restless sleep until I
was awoken by a delicate, fresh scent and the touch of a wet, warm
body cuddled next to mine. She smiled at me and gave a sly whisper
into my ear. “And this is for me.”

She slowly slid up over me, held my arms
tight with her hands, and pulled me in.

After we made love, I sank back into my
restless sleep, yet from time to time, I hugged Maria tightly to
make sure she was real.

…

When I awoke, daylight filled the room.
I sat up and immediately noted Maria’s absence. I suddenly became
afraid, but grew calm when I saw the half-open bathroom door and
the yellow light shining within—
she must
be there
. I got up and went to the bathroom door and
stuck my head in. The bathroom was empty. I panicked. “Maria!” I
said to no one, hoping that by calling her name she would appear,
but I went quiet when I saw the proof of her absence on the
nightstand.