Saving Abby (7 page)

EIGHT

CLAIRE

Present day

C
laire couldn’t have stifled her yawn if she’d tried. Just when she was about to relax in the hammock, her mother appeared around the corner of the house.

“Have one of the cookies I brought, love. David has a whole new selection of tea and biscuits this season to try. He said to say hi. I noticed a box with your name on it in the corner of his booth space at the market today.”

David was an older gentleman Claire had known almost her whole life. He was also someone she swore her mother had a crush on.

“You should ask him out on a date, Millie,” Josh called out through the kitchen window where he hovered.

“I’ll do no such thing. If the man wants to let this”—she pointed to herself—“get away, then that’s his loss.”

“I think he’s too scared you’ll turn him down, Mother.” Claire yawned again. Her whole body was tired now, and it was getting harder to lift her arms or to move her head.

“Every man needs a little encouragement now and then, Millie.” Josh opened the door to the back patio and brought out a vase of fresh-cut flowers. He gave Claire’s cheek a peck and gently rubbed her shoulders.

“Why don’t you go lie down? Millie can tell you a story before you fall asleep.” He blew a kiss in Millie’s direction.

“Josh, love, Claire and I need some mother-daughter time.” The pointed look Millie shot Josh’s way had Claire chuckling.

He let out an exaggerated sigh. “In other words, you’re telling me to get lost?”

Millie smiled. “Exactly.”

Claire watched their interaction with amusement. “Would you mind, hon? Maybe run to the store and get some vegetables for dinner tonight?”

“Anything in particular you’re wanting?” There was a hopeful tone in Josh’s voice. Along with the exhaustion, she’d also had no appetite.

Claire thought for a moment. “Maybe some olives and . . . bananas.”

“Bananas? What happened to your absolute disgust for the mushy fruit?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. But I was dreaming of making an orange and banana smoothie, and now I really want one.”

“Okay then. How about I make you a strawberry and banana smoothie in the meantime? I think we have some frozen bananas in the freezer.”

Millie prattled on about the market, the new vendor booths, and the people who ran them. Heritage was a small tourist town located on the shores of Lake Huron, and it held a daily market in the town square, open a few hours a day during the spring months and then open for longer hours during the summer.

Years ago, Millie had run a booth of fresh baked goods, like breads, buns, muffins, and tarts, and she still felt a connection to the people there, going daily to say hello and purchase something, anything, to help them out.

“Why didn’t you pick up the box and bring it here?” Claire asked, interrupting her mom’s monologue.

“Box? What box?”

“The one David had in his booth.”

Millie leaned forward and took another cookie from the tray. “Well, I did offer, but he said he misses you.”

Claire nodded. “I know. I need to go see him.”

“Did I ever tell you about when I first found out I was pregnant with you?” Millie asked.

Claire caught her breath at her mother’s words.

Millie stared out to the yard, oblivious to Claire’s reaction. “Most women, when they first get pregnant are sick. It’s usually the first symptom. That and swollen breasts.”

“I don’t remember that.” She kept her voice steady. She wanted to stop her mom, to tell her that she was going to have a baby, but the memory of her first pregnancy was like a knife being thrust into her heart. She didn’t quite remember how she felt—she’d never been sick, that much she recalled, but she had been scared of her body’s changes and was angry at her parents.

“There’s something I need to tell you.” Claire cleared her throat.

Millie didn’t seem to hear her.

“I always heard that morning sickness was a living hell, and I used to pray that I would never be that sick if I ever got pregnant. I watched enough friends rush to the bathroom at the slightest smell, and I never wanted that. I loved food too much.” She patted her stomach as a wry smile flashed across her face.

Claire rolled her eyes. Her mother was tiny yet ate like a horse. There was never a time she wasn’t snacking. Whether it was nuts she kept in her purse or a fresh piece of fruit she grabbed off a counter, she was always nibbling on something.

“Mom—”

“But with you, things were different.” Millie cut her off. “I was the envy of all my friends. Did you know that? From the moment I found out I was pregnant with you to the moment you were born, you were easy. No morning sickness. No false labor pains. No prolonged labor either. A few pushes and you came out into the world—”

“With a wail to announce my arrival that the queen herself could hear.” Claire finished for her. “You’ve told me this before.”

Millie looked at her. “But I don’t think you’ve really heard what I’ve said.”

Confused, Claire rubbed her face. “What am I missing then?”

“I was never sick, but I was tired. Exhausted even. Which was very unusual for me, even then. I had to take time off work, and all I did was sleep. Your poor father had to cook his own meals, and more times than not, my friends would bring over a casserole to save him from his burnt creations. In fact, I only craved one thing. Bananas. It’s probably why you hated them so much. I swear,” Millie said with a giggle, “everything I ate had to have bananas. From eating them raw, to cooking with them . . .” She sighed. “It took me years to eat a banana after you were born.”

Claire smiled.

“Dad never could cook. Even macaroni and cheese was a challenge.” Claire leaned her head back in the chair and stared up into the blue sky. Obviously, Millie had something she needed to get off her chest. Once she was done, then Claire would share the news.

Who knew it would be so hard to get a word in?

“Yes, he was a lost cause when it came to making his own dinner. Thankfully, Josh isn’t like that. He’ll fend for himself just fine.” There was a satisfied tone in Millie’s voice, and Claire looked over at her.

“Josh is pretty amazing.” So amazing that he actually suspected she could be pregnant before she did. Since when did a man know first?

Millie’s head cocked to the side and she reached across the table to hold Claire’s hand.

“Isn’t it funny how our bodies work?” Millie said. “No matter how hard we try or how much we want something, until our body is ready, there’s really nothing we can do about it.”

Claire wouldn’t quite let herself believe she was pregnant. Not completely. After everything that had happened in her life, Claire had the nagging feeling that maybe she didn’t deserve to have all her dreams come true.

All because of one decision, one mistake that she would always regret.

“So now you want to be a grandmother?” The words just came out, unbidden and unprovoked.

At the look of horror on her mother’s face, Claire stopped herself from going further down that road. “I’m sorry. That didn’t come out right.”

“Oh, honey, I . . .”

In that moment, before a veil descended over Millie’s eyes, Claire became hopeful. Maybe, for the first time in years, they’d actually talk about what happened.

But Claire should have known better.

“It’s easy to look back and realize the mistakes we made and wish we could do things differently. I regret a lot of things, but there isn’t much I would change, other than that time in your life. But then, you know that already. This isn’t news to you.” There was a sadness to Millie’s voice, the regret so obvious.

Claire put on a bright and cheery smile, pushing everything she wanted to say back into the tiny little box full of memories that her mother never wanted to deal with. “I know.” She closed her eyes and let the soft breeze dance over her skin. This was not turning out the way she thought it would. She expected Millie to be ecstatic, over the moon . . . but this . . . this didn’t feel right.

“Mom, I—” Claire decided to try again.

“I think I might go work in your garden a little.” Millie interrupted her. “Those roses need some pruning.”

Before Claire could say another word, Millie walked away. But not before Claire noticed her mother wiping away tears.

The guilt that remained whenever she tried to talk about what happened to her as a teenager was right there. It was always right there, as if waiting for the perfect moment to crash into her life and destroy anything worth holding on to.

Today was supposed to be about this miracle inside of her, but instead, Claire had made it about her past.

Why couldn’t she let go and move on? Why?

If she could turn back the clock and have a do-over, she would do it in a heartbeat.

She would never have sneaked out of the house after being grounded by her father, or hitchhiked into town to hang out with friends at the beach for the first bonfire of the season.

She would never have stayed by the campfire after all her girlfriends had gone home, or continued to drink beer with guys from school. She would never have let herself get drunk.

There were a lot of things she would never do again, but if she could go back to that day and stay in her room, like the good girl she was supposed to have been . . . she couldn’t even imagine how different her life might have turned out.

Her mother had been the one to realize she was pregnant. Claire had assumed she missed her period due to final exams and the pressure from her father to get perfect scores. But Millie knew better.

Her father had been furious when he found out. He refused to be the father with the pregnant teenager. Did she not realize what that would do to his career? He was supposed to be a respected council member and businessman.

He’d demanded Claire get an abortion, but in a rare instance of holding her ground, Millie had stood up to him and told him it was Claire’s body, Claire’s choice.

Except she really didn’t have a choice.

If she kept the baby, she wouldn’t be allowed to live at home. Those were the rules according to her father.

But if she got rid of the baby, he would pay for her college tuition, take care of her housing, and even provide a monthly living allowance so she could focus on school and not worry about finding a job.

After a lot of begging and pleading, Millie convinced him to let her and Claire live in their summer cottage until the baby was born, so Claire could give it up for adoption. She did her lessons at home, something her father arranged for her so that she wouldn’t get behind in school. With the two of them at the cottage, he could tell everyone Claire and her mom were traveling as they’d always wanted to do.

He’d agreed, and the decision had been made. He even offered to send her on a trip to Europe after the baby was born.

She was supposed to be grateful for his understanding. Grateful. But not once had her parents asked her what she wanted to do. She’d had a desperate need to keep her baby. She knew she was young, but she loved children and dreamed of having a large family one day. Being an only child was lonely, and this baby meant she wouldn’t be alone. She was willing to do whatever it took to be a mother, even if it meant finding a job and working for minimum wage.

Millie and Claire stayed at the cottage for the first month after she’d given birth. Millie called it her month of healing, but Claire cried every day.

Her father finally came to pick them up, handing her plane tickets the moment he walked in the door. They were all going on a holiday, a little road trip through the states. They had a timeshare in Florida, and her father thought they all deserved a vacation. From there, Claire and Millie would fly to the UK, where they would tour England and Scotland before coming home in time for Claire to start school in the fall.

For the first few months, Claire managed to contain her anger toward her father and tried to be a good girl. She lived in a fog, her emotions shut off from everything and everyone. She kept her mouth shut as she traveled with her mom, toured the museums, and went on guided excursions of all the sights.

They arrived back home just in time to get her ready to move to Toronto to attend college. She hardly spoke to her father after her return, but when he handed her the keys to an apartment he’d found, completely furnished, and told her she’d made the right decision, everything inside of her exploded.

She could still remember the anger and the hatred behind the words she’d said to him.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I honestly hate you. You took away my decision, and now you’re trying to buy me off.”

She’d watched as his face softened for one split second and her words hit his heart. “I love you, Claire Bear. I’m just trying to do my best by you. That’s all. When you’re a parent, you’ll understand,” he whispered.

She refused to apologize.

“I was a parent. For one hour while I held my son, I was his mother.” Tears gathered in her eyes, and she wiped them away angrily. “They asked me in the hospital if I was sure. I could have changed my mind, but I decided not to. Do you know why?” She spat the words out, loathing pouring out of her heart as her father just stood there.

“Because the people who adopted him, who would be a part of his life forever, they wanted him.” She choked on the words. “He deserved to be wanted, and they could give him a better life than I could. That was why. Not because of you, not because of your demands and your threats.”

For the next four years while she took a creative arts program, she also worked part-time to help pay for her basic needs. Other than what covered her schooling and apartment, she didn’t take a penny from her father. Every month when he’d put the money into her account, she would write a check for a group home that helped pregnant teens.

For the first few years, Claire would attempt to talk to her mom about the baby she gave up, but her words always fell on deaf ears. Millie wasn’t one to dwell on the past, and that became abundantly clear to Claire on the day of her son’s first birthday.

Millie had come by her apartment to take her out for dinner, something she did frequently, and found Claire sitting on her couch, wrapping presents she’d bought for the son she didn’t know. She had no idea what was appropriate for a one-year-old boy, so she’d picked up a few outfits, some toys, and books.