Saving Katie Baker (11 page)

How could I have said that about this man? I never knew that he was so kind; I never gave him a chance
. She wanted to apologize, but the grudge she’d been holding onto for years took precedence.
It was his fault, wasn’t it?

CHAPTER
10

M
icah continued to play with the dog while Katie stood, facing Blake. She had no idea where she should even begin. If only the words hadn’t come out. If only they’d been given a chance to become friends on their own time, rather than the sky’s.

“I said I was sorry Blake.”

“Katie, you never even knew me. How could you say those things? How could you have such dislike for someone you had never even met? I just can’t wrap my mind around it.” He continued without pause. “You never even tried to get to know me. I came over to your house time and time again, just to check on you and attempt to offer you friendship. I had hoped to get to know you, but each time you brushed me off—you ignored me and never even answered your door. Yet you treat me as if I’m garbage. I just don’t get where you come off calling me an asshole.”

Katie found herself thinking about how stupid and immature
he
was to be pitching a fit like this and demanding this conversation.
After all, they were only words. Why does he have to make such a bit deal out of it?
She caught herself mid-thought and remembered that only moments earlier she was considering the hurt those words could cause.
How wishy-washy am I?
she wondered.

She didn’t want to be having this conversation with him. It’s not that she felt justified; it’s just that it was in the past. Why must he dwell on it?

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

Katie walked towards him, but was surprised that he backed away from her. He wouldn’t even sit down. He put his hands in his pockets, then quickly took them out, rubbed the scruffy hair that was beginning to get longer than normal on his face, and put his hands back in his pockets. He seemed overwhelmed and antsy.

“That’s not good enough,” he said. “Do you really think I’m a jerk? Seriously, Katie, do you? Is that why you keep trying to pull away from me when all I’ve been doing is try to help you?”

Blake looked at her, expecting an answer. His eyes, in honest wonderment, glared at her.

Katie didn’t have an answer.
How do I feel about Blake now?
Her dislike wasn’t as determined as it had been before, but it was definitely still there. Would she call him a friend? Didn’t he deserve that after saving her and Micah’s life? What about that other night? What about her husband?

“Fine. No. I don’t think you’re a jerk. Not anymore.”

Blake was shaking his head, “What did I ever do to you in the past to make you feel like this, to make you say these things? I always attempted to be friendly, to both you and your husband. I just don’t understand it.”

Katie felt as if those words were a direct blow to her. How could he bring up her husband? He never even knew him. It crossed her mind right then that perhaps he really was a jerk.

Blake crossed, then uncrossed his arms and began to pace back and forth, as if frustrated, thinking, and trying to decide what it was that he wanted to say next. Katie watched anxiously. She knew her words must have cut him deeply for him to be having such an intense reaction.

“I’m sorry, Blake.”

Katie really didn’t know what else to say to him. She knew that it wasn’t completely honest, but she didn’t have the energy to say more. Katie was ready for this conversation to be over.

“Come on, Katie, you can do better than that. What did I do? I want to hear it. I want you to say something, give me a reason. What did you dislike about me so much? Did you and your husband sit back and talk about what a tool I was?”

He just kept pushing. Pushing and pushing as if forcing her closer and closer to a ledge, making her walk the plank. Couldn’t he see that this was torturing her?

“How dare you keep bringing up my husband? You have no right. You really want to know why? I’ll give you an answer . . . the parties.”

She blurted the words out, angrily. It was the first thing that popped into her mind. If he wanted to know why she didn’t like him, if he wouldn’t let it go, then she decided she would play this game of his. She’d open up and tell him how it was.

“You and your stupid parties. All those biker guys that show up, thinking they rule the world. You rev up your engines, whistle at me like I’m some slut you can mess with and act like you’re the coolest shit around. It’s pathetic, not to mention immature.”

Blake stopped pacing, walked right up to her, got right in her face and stood still. He looked at her. Frozen. Katie could feel his breath on her skin.

“Those parties, Katie, really? Those are my friends, my family, my church. You’re still so full of it. I came over when your man was still around and talked to him. And then I came over to try to talk to you. I went out of my way to keep things quiet anytime I knew you were home. That’s not it though, I can tell. What else? What are you holding back, Katie? No need to stop now. What else have I done to you?”

Katie shoved Blake out of her face, “Why must you be so stubborn? Why keep harping on this? I’ve given you an answer.”

Katie was fired up now. She couldn’t stop. “Can’t you just leave it alone? Can’t you just let it go? After all that I’ve had to go through, why must you continue to make it worse? I told you I was sorry, what more do you want from me?”

“I want a reason Katie; a real reason. I want you to tell me why you changed; I want to know why you no longer wave to me, and you no longer attempt to be even remotely neighborly like you were before—before your husband left. I’m not asking for embraces, I just want to be treated like any other human being would expect to be treated.”

Katie finally accepted that the time had come. She couldn’t hold it in any longer. All the anger from the past two years came out like flames: “I hate you. It was all your fault that night. Did you know that? It’s your fault he died. Is that what you wanted to hear? You, the jerk that always had the fun parties and people you loved surrounding you. I had people I loved, too, you know, and because of you, he’s gone.”

Blake stumbled back, shocked at the words that were rushing out of Katie.

“He wanted to be a part of your stupid clique. He died because of it. I wanted nothing to do with you after that. Does that make you feel better? Huh, Blake?”

Tears were running down Katie’s face as she said the words. He had succeeded in getting her to react. Katie wondered if it felt as good to him as he thought it would.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Katie?”

Katie put her hand up to stop him. “Blake, I can’t. No more. Please.”

Blake was, obviously shocked, speechless. He looked up at his guest, standing there, exhausted, hurting, waiting, and eager to just move on. “Katie, I never meant . . .”

Katie once again put her hand up. “Don’t.”

Micah walked over between the two of them and grabbed both of their hands. “Be happy,” she said.

“Blake. Look, I’m sorry. I’m still working through everything. I hated that you were so happy. You had friends, and I was alone. I wanted to come home and escape, but you constantly reminded me of him; you were here and he wasn’t.”

“You blamed me for his death? Katie, I don’t understand.”

Blake lifted Katie’s head up to face him.

Tears were sliding down her cheeks, drained of all energy. “All I can say is, I’m sorry. You wanted the truth and you got it.”

“But Katie . . .”

Blake was so confused from all of the arguing and the emotions that were raging within him. He looked at her in tears and was surprised by an intense urge to kiss her. He didn’t know where this was coming from since he was still so confused about this woman. They had so much to work through, and she was still so much of a stranger. Could he really be falling for her? Is that why this bothered him so much?

Oh God, don’t let it be true. It can only end badly
, he thought to himself while staring at Katie.
I can’t fall for her. She blames me for her husband’s death, for God’s sake. This would be an impossible situation.
His thoughts roamed again to Micah as his little girl and Katie, his wife.

“You can’t be serious,” this time he said aloud.

Katie looked puzzled. They sat, just staring at each other. Blake attempted to control his thoughts. He couldn’t kiss her. Not right now.

Don’t kiss her
, he commanded himself within. He wanted it so badly that it took everything in him to be able to refrain.

“Let’s just drop it. For now.” He said, and looked away. He had to break eye contact because he feared that he wouldn’t be able to resist any longer. Her eyes were pulling him in, like an undertow current, nearly impossible to fight.

“I need some space. I’m going for a walk; not sure how long I’ll be gone, but don’t worry about me. If you need me just whistle out the front door, I’ll be able to hear you and head back.”

Katie just sat and watched as Blake headed toward the door. “Are you angry with me?” she asked him.

Blake looked at her, and for the first time during this entire conversation, he thought he saw compassion in Katie’s eyes instead of the usual anger and frustration.

He walked over to her, and came very close, closer than ever before. He knew she wasn’t comfortable with the nearness, but it didn’t stop him. He placed his hands on her arms, touching her, though a simple caress just above her elbow, sent chills through his whole body. He wondered if it had the same affect on her.

Katie looked into his eyes, he could see uncertainty in her glance. Blake knew she felt something too, but did she realize it?

“I’m not mad. I’ve got some other feelings that I need to work through, though. This conversation was good. It was real, not an easy one, but it was needed and helpful. I’ll be back in a little while.”

Katie sat still and quiet as a mouse, trying not to shift. Blake wasn’t being forceful, and he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was just close—probably too close, based on her body language. The way they stood there was the same stance that was usually the prelude to a kiss.

Blake smiled. Katie didn’t move. He waited another moment and then turned around and walked toward the door.

Katie stopped him by asking, “Where are you going?”

“There are a few trails in the woods that I’ve made a habit of roaming. They’re probably a disaster by now, but I want to check it out anyway. I need the silence. Painting is therapy for you—the trails are therapy for me.”

Blake wanted to invite her to go with him. The thought of being in the fresh air with her and Micah made him happy, even though he knew it was likely to never happen.
Never say never. It isn’t totally impossible, right?
Blake found himself wondering what things were going to be like if Katie and Micah left.
Would everything go back to the way it was before?

Blake needed time alone and knew Katie wouldn’t mind his absence either. It had been a rough evening for them both. Would all of their evenings be so drama-filled?

Blake glanced over at Katie and said, “See you in a bit,” then walked out the door.

She sat with Micah jumping up and down in front of her, wanting attention.

Blake breathed in the scent of woods as soon as he stepped off his front porch, glad to be away from the women that had become such a big part of his life in such a short amount of time. He had gotten too close to Katie. He remembered how she tensed up beneath his arms. How could he think falling for her would be a good idea? He should have protected his heart better. Katie still had so many ill feelings toward him.

As he walked, Blake began to talk out loud. “Why? Why her? Why now? Why would she be forced into my life, a woman who obviously has growing up to do and blames me for her husband’s death? Why must I fall for her? This can only end badly.”

Blake paused; quietly he waited for an answer. Any answer. His feelings couldn’t be squelched. He knew that this wasn’t just an attraction to a pretty girl—it went deeper. He wanted Katie more than he had wanted any other woman, and this time it wasn’t just a physical desire. Sure, that was part of it, but there was more.

He knew he wanted a life with Katie Baker. He wanted her to stay in his home forever. He wanted her in his bed. He even wanted to fight with Katie for the rest of his life. She was impossible, but he wanted her to be his, regardless.

“I’m in trouble, Universe. How can I live with a woman while feeling so strongly about her? Just ignore them? What if I can’t stop next time and I end up kissing her and scaring her away?”

Blake felt an answer come into his heart, into his head. He would be patient and let fate bring them together. If it brought them together to begin with, it can bring them their happy ending also.
Right
? He hoped.

“What if she never feels the same way? What if she only wants to be friends?”

Calmness came over him. He knew everything would be fine. He didn’t know how, he just felt that all would work out in it’s own time. He had to be patient and wait for Katie to feel something for him.
I just won’t hold my breath.

Blake continued to walk. Listening to the birds singing their afternoon melodies while the squirrels ran on ahead of him. His thoughts raced through all the possibilities and all the things that could happen. He could end up with a family. They would be his, forever. These thoughts caused mixed emotions to rise up within him.