Saving Katie Baker (21 page)

CHAPTER
20

T
he rest of the day seemed to pass in a haze for Katie. There were so many thoughts running through her mind, so many things to question, to ponder, and hopefully, to find answers for. Could she stay here? Could she fall in love again? There were moments when the idea didn’t seem totally crazy, but then there were the other moments when everything still seemed so broken inside of her. Broken, hopeless, and void of the ability to love again.

After washing the dinner dishes, Katie turned out the lights in the kitchen and found Blake cuddled up with Micah on the couch. They had become so attached to one another. Katie thought how painful it was going to be for both Blake and Micah to part ways when the girls took their leave. Tonight, Katie hated to take Micah from his arms, but she knew it was late already and they should all get a good night’s rest. After all, it would be their first night going to bed without some sort of drama preceding it.

Katie walked over to Blake, she noticed that he too had dozed off. She carefully and quietly attempted to lift Micah from his grasp but he woke, startled, clinging to the little girl.

“Sorry, I thought she was falling,” he said as he released his grip on the little girl.

Katie whispered, “It’s okay. Thanks for taking such good care of her. I’m gonna go lay her down. I’ll be right back.”

As she lay her daughter down, Katie found herself wondering what she was going to do when she did return to the living room. Why was she nervous all of a sudden? Why were butterflies running rampant within her? Could she be falling for Blake?

It wasn’t long before Katie was back to say goodnight. She had forgotten that she was still in her rain-soaked t-shirt and jeans. She also hadn’t thought about how it might affect him. It was uncomfortable and obvious, not only by the color that quickly made its way up to his cheeks, but also by the way he hid his waist.

Katie wasn’t sure what to say. She didn’t want to affect him in this way. She’d never been in a situation like this before, except with her husband. She stood awkwardly in front of Blake attempting to find the right words, but none seemed to be appropriate.

“Um, I know it’s a little early, but I’m really exhausted. I think I’m going to head to bed, too. Thanks for giving Micah a wonderful birthday.”

Blake stood up and walked over to Katie, “My pleasure. Thanks for letting me spoil her a little.” With those words said, he leaned in and hugged her, “Good night, Katie Baker.”

Katie was surprised that she didn’t immediately pull away this time. She wasn’t necessarily relaxed, but she wasn’t uncomfortable either. It did feel nice to be in another man’s embrace, yet it also confused her. Oh, how it confused her. She didn’t want to, but she was beginning to crave this man’s touch.

“Good night, Blake,” Katie replied and pulled away, not looking at him as she turned towards the master bedroom.

She immediately closed the door behind her, leaned against it and asked the question again. “What if I said yes?”

Katie began to feel panicked. Her breathing was irregular and the rhythm of her heart quickened. “Breathe,” she whispered. And she took labored, uneven breaths before ordering her lungs again: “Just breathe.”

She could still feel the Blake’s bare arms around her body from their goodnight embrace. Katie moved her own arms around her shoulders as if trying to hold on to the feeling a little bit longer.
What does this mean
? she questioned.

Katie calmed her breathing and walked over to the bed. Although she was exhausted, she wanted to jump into the shower to wash out the sticky chocolate that had found it’s way into her hair. She smiled as the scenes of the afternoon played through her memory again.

She thought of the movie, the cemetery, and the rain.
I laughed today
. Katie smiled as she remembered.

“Could it really work?” she wondered aloud as she walked into the bathroom. Blake’s blue and green-striped towel was hanging on the silver hook attached to the back of the bathroom door. Katie found herself wondering whether or not this was the towel that he used to wrap around his naked body after showering that very morning. She felt wicked for thinking such thoughts and immediately replaced them with her own search for a towel.

The bed was calling for her retreat, so Katie didn’t take long in the shower. Soon she stepped out with her hair dripping water down to the tile floor. Instead of reaching for the towel she had folded and placed neatly on the counter, she grabbed the one closest—the one hanging on the silver hook. It wasn’t until the towel was wrapped around her body that she realized her mistake. Rather than frustration, this little rebel act left her feeling sensual, something she hadn’t felt in a very long time.

“What if I said yes?” Katie looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her body still looked like that of a teenager. She had secretly hoped that after having a baby certain areas that flourished during pregnancy, like the full rounded nursing breasts, would have remained. She hadn’t been that lucky. Katie let the towel fall off of her and onto the ground. She stood face-to-face with her whole self—raw, real, and naked.

She turned from side to side, critiquing her shape as she wondered for the first time since her husband had passed away what another man might think of her. The thought of Blake seeing her naked frightened her. Would he laugh at the stretch marks on her belly, or would her appreciate them? What about the birth mark below her left breast? Her husband used to joke that it looked like the Italy boot, and it was a sign that they should run away there one of these days.

Katie examined it, along with the other beauty marks decorating her skin. She wondered if Blake had any scars or birthmarks. Katie shook off the endless chattering inside her head, picked up the towel again, and wrapped it just beneath her underarms around her body before she walked out to the bedroom.

It took Katie a minute to realize that Micah was no longer lying down on her little mat and she began to panic.

“Blake!”

Katie ran out to the living room with the towel still around her body, but there was no Micah or Blake. “Blake! Micah! Oh my god, where is she?”

Pure panic rose up in Katie’s throat, she ran down the hall and stormed into the guest bedroom where Blake was sleeping tonight. “Blake! She’s not in her bed. I can’t find her. I can’t find her.”

It wasn’t until Katie’s fingers grappled around and found the light switch that she spotted her daughter.

Blake jumped up out of bed as soon as he heard Katie’s panic and ran to the door to help her search for the little girl. When he reached the door Blake turned to where Katie was pointing—back to the bed he’d just vacated. There Micah was, sitting straight up, sucking on her two little fingers and looking at them as if they were playing a game of hide-and-seek.

“Micah, baby, you can’t run off like that. Mr. Blake was sleeping, and you scared Mommy because you left your bed.”

The little girl grinned and pointed to the towel, “Mommy bath,” she said.

It was in that moment that Katie realized the vulnerable position she had put herself in. She was standing next to Blake in nothing but his towel. He glanced down at the towel and her eyes followed suit.

“You’re wearing my towel.”

Katie looked up at Blake. They were both a sight to behold. He stood there in nothing but a pair of black and grey boxer shorts and she was naked beneath a towel that barely reached her upper thigh, both of them blushed.

“Sorry, I was just so scared when she wasn’t in there. I didn’t think . . .” her voice trailed off.

Blake was speechless. He glanced down at her shoulder and hesitated at the wound on Katie’s arm. She stood still while he reached up and traced around her wound with his fingertips.

“It’s healing nicely,” he said, and immediately turned away.

She noticed what he was trying to hide—he couldn’t hide much beneath those thin shorts. Katie was thankful that her arousal wasn’t as obvious.

She quickly scooped Micah up with one hand, and tightened her grip around the top of her towel with the other. As she walked out of the room she wondered if the back of the towel completely covered her butt. She wondered if Blake watched her leave, and whether or not he attempted to steal a peek.

She wasn’t sure what inspired her, but just as she came to the bedroom door, Katie turned around to see what Blake was doing. Their eyes met, and the look that he gave her sent chills all through her body. She found herself wanting him to wrap his arms around her again, with or without the towel.

What if I said yes?
She thought to herself. There was a terrifying desire that lingered in the air, and this time it wasn’t just Blake’s.

Once they were back inside the bedroom, Katie looked through the bag of clothes Blake purchased from Target and found the pair of black, lacy underwear. She decided,
what the hell
, and put them on. She debated putting on the other new t-shirt, but decided that it was more comfortable to wear one of Blake’s larger shirts to bed the way she used to do with her husband’s old cotton tees. Katie opened his closet and browsed through its contents.

There were lots of motorcycle shirts, some with race emblems and others with what appeared to be a fairy riding a motorcycle.
That’s weird
, she thought. Katie grabbed a white tee with the words “Super Sprox” written on the shoulder and pulled it over her head.

Micah was already under the covers of the King-size bed so Katie climbed in next to her and pulled her close. She played with the little girls hair and sang her, “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,” to lull her back to sleep.

The next morning, Katie was surprised that she woke up on her own and without any nightmares. It had been such a long time since she’d slumbered without the accident flashing before her eyes.
Is it a sign
?
Great, now I’m sounding like Jill
, she thought to herself. Katie slipped on the other pair of new jeans, and quietly walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen to start the coffee.

Blake wasn’t awake yet, so this gave Katie some time to sit quietly with her thoughts and enjoy being the only person up. She walked over to the chair by the window and stood, peering out towards her property. Death. It looked like death from this view. An empty lot with all her previous memorabilia buried beneath the surface. Katie held tight to the coffee and hoped that the warmth would take away the sharp chill that had formed as she stood staring.

She didn’t realize that Blake had woken up and was standing behind her. His touch on her arm made her jump with fright, spilling her coffee onto the hardwood floors.

“I’m sorry I startled you,” he apologized.

Katie shook her head as if it was no big deal, and walked back to the kitchen to find a rag to clean up the mess.

“Here,” Blake said and confiscated the cloth from her, “let me get it.”

Katie released her grip and let Blake take charge. She watched as he bent down and wiped up the coffee spill; the muscles beneath his white tank top flexed with each swipe of the towel on the floor. Katie caught a gasp in her throat. It came out sounding almost like a hiccup, which caused Blake to turn and examine her face.

Katie panicked. “Um, I should go check in on Micah,” she said as she quickly darted out of the room. Blake grinned as Katie walked away.

What am I doing
? Katie wondered.
Why am I letting him get into my head? It’s never going to work. Never.

Katie walked back out with Micah on her hip. Blake smiled. “How about brownies for breakfast?” Blake asked with a huge mischievous smile on his face.

“What? You can’t eat brownies for breakfast,” Katie said, knowing full well that Blake was trying to spoil Micah while he could.

“Why not? They have eggs in them.”

Katie laughed. “I guess it will be okay. Just this once.”

The three of them sat at the table together with the plate of leftover brownies to share. As Katie took a bite, she remembered the little food fight from the evening before. Once again, she stared at her daughter and the man that Micah had come to love and she wondered,
what if?

The world seemed to be paused around them. Quiet. Sleeping. Katie didn’t mind, she knew that soon everything would be spinning, and quickly. She treasured the stillness of this moment.

Blake reached up and pressed his thumb to Katie’s cheek. At first, Katie thought of pushing it away, but she froze and welcomed the gesture.

“Chocolate on your cheek,” Blake said in almost a whisper as he let his touch linger close to Katie’s lips.

CHAPTER
21

T
he thought of saying “yes” began to play tricks on Katie’s mind. She wasn’t sure if it was her father’s fault for putting the idea into her head, or if it was Blake’s constant flirting and attention. Either way, Katie couldn’t stop thinking about him. She couldn’t get him out of her head.

Katie wasn’t like most girls that fantasized and daydreamed about movie stars and boys. Even when she was growing up, she didn’t get all googly-eyed. Now, ever since she began questioning whether or not she could see herself with Blake, her thoughts roamed to unfamiliar places.

His voice, his body, his movements, they all made Katie perk up with anticipation and wonder. She felt as though she no longer had any control over what was going through her mind.

Katie found herself recollecting his bare chest from the night before, as well as his tattoo, and his arms around her. The glass that was once half empty seemed to have disappeared and all that stood before her was a terrifying desire and the thirst for something more.

She even found herself inching closer to him at times just to get their legs to touch or wishing that he would put his hand on her back as he passed her in the kitchen. Katie remembered how it felt so natural when her husband used to do those things, but now there was a guilt that tortured Katie at wanting Blake to be the one touching her.

Something had begun to change, and Katie wasn’t sure that she was comfortable with it or ready for it. She was acting like she was back in high school again, only this time it wasn’t her husband, Micah Baker, with whom she was twitterpated, instead it was biker dude, Blake Quinn. Was she starting to fall for him?

The day was running away from them. Katie glanced up at the clock, it was already past lunch and dinnertime was quickly approaching, but they hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. The feast of brownies must have ruined everyone’s appetite. Micah had just fallen asleep and Katie peeked in on her to find her still napping away.

Blake walked into the living room and began putting his shoes on, lacing each one up with particular care. “Want to take a walk with me?” he asked Katie and lifted up her tennis shoes.

Katie pointed to the room. “What about Micah? What if she wakes up?”

“Oh, she’ll be fine. She usually sleeps a couple of hours, remember, so she’ll probably still be out when we get back. Montag will keep watch, and I’ll lock the door—we won’t be gone long. I promise.”

Katie thought about it and knew he was right. She slipped her shoes on, and they walked out the door. Neither of them said a word for what seemed like forever. They simply walked through the woods together in silence. As usual, Katie liked the quiet. It felt safe. Being here with him felt safe.

“I was afraid, you know. The other night, when you went off by yourself into these woods.” Blake looked off into the distance.

Katie thought about that day. If she were honest with herself, she’d agree that she’d been afraid, too. Her memory had only recently begun to resurface from that night and she recalled hoping that he would find her. She had actually wanted to be found. And not just by anyone. She had wanted it to be him. To be rescued by him.

“I was scared, too.” She said.

“I can’t imagine what you went through losing him, Katie. The thought that you might have been gone, away from me forever, it was so painful, and yet you weren’t gone. I don’t want to force you into a relationship with me that you don’t want or aren’t ready for. I want you to love me, I do, but not by force. If you need to leave, if you need to go back home with your father . . . yes, it will be painful for me, but I want you to do what you feel is best. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy, Katie.”

Katie admired him more for those words. She didn’t feel forced. Her heart began to step up its pace and she started to feel warm all over. She felt her face heating up—she was beginning to blush, and not just a little.

“I don’t feel forced.” Just then, Katie needed to touch him. She didn’t know why. It didn’t make sense to her. She wasn’t ready for a relationship, and she definitely wasn’t ready to say yes to stay here with him. At the same time, she felt a strong need to connect with him. It was as if she couldn’t control herself. Katie reached her hand across the distance and grabbed Blake’s. Their fingers locked together. Katie hoped that Blake wouldn’t mention it. She wasn’t ready to try to explain what this moment meant. What “they” meant. Katie wasn’t ready to define her feelings just yet.

This was not her saying yes. This was merely her pondering the question “what if?” a bit more. What if she did stay? What if she did say yes?

Blake felt her hand touch his and was confused at first. She had made it clear so many times before that there was nothing and would never be anything between them. Yet when her fingers fell between each of his, he knew that this wasn’t just something between friends. There was more. Something more was happening here, a slow blooming. He had to calm his heart. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but in his heart, Blake knew that it was already too late.

He longed to stop walking and kiss her, but he knew that it would only scare Katie away and possibly ruin any chance he might have for a life with her. Instead, he just gripped her hand gently and kept walking.

They walked hand-in-hand for what seemed like miles. Once Blake thought that it was time to start heading back, they turned around and made their way towards the house. “I love you, Katie Baker. I know I’ve said it before, but I need to say it again. It’s true, I love you.”

The words were bursting to come forth. He didn’t look at Katie. She knew how he felt, there was no question in his mind, but he couldn’t contain the words. Katie remained silent. Blake thought he had lost her, that he’d spoken too soon, but then he felt her gently squeeze his hand.

“I’m starting to feel something, too. I’m not sure that it’s love, yet. I’m terrified. Confused. I don’t know what to do.”

Blake had stopped walking and turned to Katie. “I’ll give you all the time you need to figure things out, but please, if there’s any possibility that you do love me, can you figure it out here instead of living with your father? I can restrain myself, I’ll try not to push you, just . . . stay with me.”

Katie smiled, “Restrain yourself?” She kind of had a feeling that she knew where the conversation would be heading, but the words were out before she really thought about them.

Blake looked at her with wide eyes, “Are you being funny? It’s all I can do right now to hold myself back from kissing you. And that’s not even the half of it.”

Katie found herself wanting to say, “then do it.” Her heart was racing now. Should she? Did she want him to kiss her?

Yes. Oh god, yes
. She knew that she did, she knew that this wasn’t just a dream. She craved his lips connecting with hers, but she was too afraid. Once they kissed, they could never go back. If she let Blake kiss her, she was agreeing to leave the friendship chapter behind. She was agreeing to step into a new world that would require her to open herself up to love again.

Was she ready? What if she lost him?

Blake leaned his face in closer to Katie, still holding onto her hand, and searching her face—waiting for any signs of an invitation.

“I can’t love you.” Katie said. The words came out along with tears. Her fears were exposed.

Blake pulled back a little in confusion and said, “What?”

“I don’t want to love you. I can’t love you. We were fighting because of you. I know it’s not your fault, but how can you want a woman like me? How can God fuck with my life like this? That I would fall for you, the one I hated for so long? Besides, what if you get taken away from me like he did? What if God takes you, too, just to keep this horror story going?”

Blake put his arms around Katie, “Oh Katie, I don’t know what to tell you about that argument. You said it yourself: it was raining, and the other car didn’t even know you were there. It had nothing to do with me, it had nothing to do with motorcycles, and it had nothing to do with God taking him away. I don’t know what god you were serving back then, but the universe doesn’t work that way. ‘God’ doesn’t work that way. You know that don’t you? You aren’t some pawn being fucked with, you just happen to have a fucked-up story. You can’t keep being afraid, or you’ll never find joy.”

“I don’t know how not to be afraid, Blake.”

Blake pulled Katie in closer, leaned his head down towards hers, and pressed his lips onto hers. The kiss was gentle. It didn’t last long. Neither one of them was sure what Katie’s reaction would be, and she was thankful to Blake for not pushing. It was a bittersweet connection.

Blake stepped back and looked at Katie. It made her uncomfortable the way that he looked at her, as if she was some rare and precious diamond. She wasn’t used to feeling this. Had she forgotten these little things?

They both waited for the other person to say something first, but when the silence remained he started, “This is how you let go of fear, Katie. You just move on. You leap fearlessly.”

Katie took a deep breath, his words reminded her again of their favorite author, Ray Bradbury, who said, “Jump, and build your wings on the way down.”

Katie looked up at him, “I wanted you to kiss me.” She said, and began to cry. “I’m not sad; really, I’m not. I don’t know why I’m crying. It’s just been so long. I did want it. I really did.”

Blake wiped a tear off of Katie’s cheek with his thumb. “Then may I kiss you again, Katie Baker?”

She nodded and they enjoyed another kiss with more passion this time, a passion that frightened both of them.

Blake pulled away, “This is the restraint I was speaking of that would be difficult to maintain.” They both realized that their relationship was going to be moving quicker than either of them had anticipated.

They walked hand-in-hand back to the house and found Micah still sleeping. The space became awkward. Katie couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss, and she assumed that it was also on Blake’s mind as well.

She enjoyed the moment. Katie could still feel where his lips had been pressed on hers. She touched her lips with her fingertips when Blake wasn’t looking, and wondered if it was obvious. She wondered if her lips were swollen, and if they gave away their little secret. What did this mean for them now? Could she leave knowing how much his touch had affected her?

Blake walked into the living room with two cups of coffee. He sat down next to Katie and handed her one of the cups. When their hands touched, Katie felt electricity, as though a shock ran through her. This was happening. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but it was and she no longer had control over it. She could no longer deny that she wanted Blake.

“Katie, talk to me.” Blake said.

Katie turned to him. “What do you want me to talk about?”

“I don’t know, but if we sit here in silence, I’m going to end up kissing you again. The taste of your lips is all I can seem to think about, and I think we need to be careful since I’m not sure you’re ready. Slow seems good in this situation. But things could move really fast here, and I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I don’t want to scare you. I know it’s a bit forward to be talking about this since you don’t know where you stand with us, but I had to tell you. I want you, Katie. And I want more than just kissing.”

Katie didn’t know what to say. The words kept popping up in her mind.
What if. What if. What if.
It was crazy.

She had already told him no, she had told him that she didn’t want a relationship. She had told him that she was leaving, but she had just kissed him and enjoyed every second of it. She couldn’t get him out of her mind. This didn’t happen every day. What if her dad was right? What if she did say yes—to stay here and officially moving in with him?

“Katie, where have you gone? Are you OK? It looks like you mind is million miles away, daydreaming somewhere else. I haven’t offended you, have I?” Blake asked.

“Yes.”

“Yes, I’ve offended you?” Blake looked confused and worried.

Katie turned to Blake, she couldn’t believe what she was about to say and do. “No. You haven’t offended me. Yes, I will stay here with you, Blake.”

Blake didn’t move. He sat wide-eyed on the couch in shock.
Am I dreaming? Did she just say what I think she just said? Did she just say yes?

“Please tell me that you just agreed to giving me—giving us—a chance. I’m hoping that my mind isn’t playing tricks on me.” He looked into his coffee. “This coffee might be bad.”

Katie laughed. “Your mind is perfectly fine and so is the coffee. I said yes. It’s not going to be easy, though. I still have a lot to deal with. Are you up for taking on my mess?”