Saving Nathaniel (27 page)

When he had desperately needed her, she had come; when he had been afraid to be alone, she had stayed with him and comforted him; then she had taken him to her bed. She didn't have to do it and he could have stopped her, but he hadn't, because once it had begun, he had
wanted
it. Feelings of selfishness and guilt stabbed his conscience with a double-edged blade.

He was certain she had slept with him out of pity; there could be no other explanation for it, but whatever
her
reasons, he ached to return to her in the warmth of the bed, to make love with her again. He wanted her for himself. But why?

He felt his heart stop in its beat with a sudden understanding
. Oh, yes,
he knew why wanted her so much. It was because…because he was in love with her.

You bloody fool,
Mackie
…
don
'
t go there…don't!

He didn
't know how or when it had happened, he couldn't remember, he only knew that it had, and along with the guilt, he felt something new…fear.
Selfish and afraid...what a coward…

He sipped at the orange juice,
really
needing something stronger, when a thought struck him.

'What about Joanna? I love Joanna. She
'
s my wife. I made a vow to love only her. There
'
s no room for anyone else. But
…'til death us do part. She's gone and she's never coming back.
Meg is here, now. She's here with me, alive and warm and…

A notion tickled at the back of his mind, then thrust itself forward with remarkable clarity. What if he was using Joanna as an excuse. Was he hiding behind her, using her memory as a shield against having another relationship in case he got hurt? He knew he couldn't bear that kind of pain all over again, it would surely kill him, but in his heart he knew Megan would never hurt him.

What were her feelings for him?
She liked him sure enough, she had said as much, but anything more he didn't know - and didn't care. He loved
her and wanted her. Hell no, more than that he needed her.

'Oh God, what a mess. W
hat a bloody mess.'

And now she
was there, asking him what the matter was, waiting for an answer, and he couldn't say. His thoughts were still spinning. He didn't have a response that made any sense. Whatever he said would come out wrong; it would be inarticulate, clumsy and pathetic, so he opted for the safety of denial.
'
Nothing.'

'
Is it about last night?
'

He took his eyes from her and she knew that was it; body language never lies.
'
We didn
'
t do anything wrong,' she assured him.

He sighed and took a sip from the glass, looking deep into its depths to avoid eye contact with her.
'It wasn't supposed to happen like that.'

'I don't know what you mean.'

'
I took advantage of you.
'

'
You did nothing of the sort.
'

'Aye, I did,' he said, nodding. 'You came here to help me and I exploited you.'

She put her hand on his, stroking his ring with her finger. 'Don't talk nonsense, Nat.
You seem to forget, I seduced you. I
'
m certainly not sorry and you have no reason to be either.
'

He moved his hand out from under hers, sliding the ring away from her touch.
'It shouldn't have happened, it was a mistake.'

She didn't appear at all fazed by his denial. 'You might think that, but
it did happen and it was wonderful, and I
'
d do it again in a heartbeat.
'

She ran her fingers through his hair and the feel of it made him want to take hold of her and pull her into the chair with him and kiss her until she begged for him to release her. He closed his eyes and the moment passed.

'I have to go home now,' she said. 'Will you be alright on your own?'

He nodded, rubbing his forehead tensely, inwardly pleading. '
Please, don't go, Meg. I need you. Stay with me!'

'I'll be fine,' he said.

She too heard her inner voice. 'Tell me not to go, Nat. Ask me to stay with you and I will.
'

'You know you can call me anytime don't you?' she said.

He continued staring into the depths of his glass. 'Aye. Thanks.'

She stood, leaned to him and kissed the top of his head, inhaling the smell of him. 'I'll just be a few minutes to get washed and dressed and then I'll let myself out. Okay?'

He said nothing.

Her emotions in turmoil, she closed the study door behind her
as she left him sitting in the chair.

She loved him, the aching in her heart told her so, but it was obvious he didn't feel the same about her; his behaviour just now made that perfectly clear.

He couldn
't, or rather wouldn't, look at her; he wouldn't talk to her. He thought having sex with her was a mistake.
He
didn't feel anything for her and she was certain she knew why. No, not why, who. He was irrevocably tied to Joanna and always would be. There was no way she could possibly compete with a passion so strong. She had to accept her feelings would never be reciprocated. The only thing she could do was hold her head up high and walk away.

She dressed and made her way downstairs, to stand for a moment outside the study with its closed door, a barrier she wasn't willing to cross again. Her bag still contained the box with the keys. She took it out and held it in her hand. If she went in there to return it now, she would have to explain how she came to have it and why. Instead, she dropped the box back into her bag. She would send it back with Rebecca when she was sure he could be trusted with it. He would probably be angry with her for what she had done, but so be it.

She went through into the kitchen to find both her shoes on the table, and her coat draped neatly over a chair. She slipped the shoes on, folded her coat over her arm and left quietly through the rear door. A new day had dawned and it was time to go home. If Nat wanted her he knew where to find her, but she wouldn't hold her breath.

Her heart hung like a stone in her chest. More than likely, she wouldn't see him again.

Chapter 23

T
he church clock rang out the last of the eight o
'
clock chimes as Megan slipped in through the rear door of Rose Cottage and into the kitchen.

Rebecca hurtled through the door from the sitting room, her dressing gown and long, loose hair billowing behind her.

'
Where the
hell
have you been? I was worried sick!
I came home last night and found the place like the Marie Celeste. You left the lights on…and the door unlocked. I thought you'd been kidnapped.'

'
I'm sorry...'

'
I haven't slept a wink! You could have called.'

'
I tried to, but you were out.
'
Mug in hand, she pulled out a chair and sat at the table. She lifted the lid of the teapot to see if the contents might be drinkable and poured herself a cupful.

'
So?' chivvied Rebecca. 'Where were you?
'

'I had to go somewhere.'

'Where?'

She
didn't answer. She didn't have to. Her silence spoke volumes. There had always had a sisterly telepathy between her and Rebecca; words were not always needed. And this was one of those times. She watched her sister's eyes grow large and bright with realisation as she lowered herself onto a chair.

'
You were at the Lodge weren
'
t you…you were at the Lodge with him, with Mackie?
'

There would be
no point in denying it. Rebecca would know instantly if she were lying.
'
Yes.'

'
All night?
'

'
Yes.
'

'Why?'

'Because he asked me to.
He was lonely. He needed some company...he wanted someone to talk to.
'

'
And you're telling me that's all you did
…
talk?
'

'
At first.
'

'
Did you sleep with him?
'

'
Yes.
'

'
Oh, Megan, how could you fall for it again?
'

'I didn't fall for anything.'

'
He pitched you a sob story, you fell for it, and then you fell into his bed. Same old Megan. Jeez!
'

'It wasn't like that at all.' She took a sip from her tea.
'
You don
'
t talk to him do you, Becks?
'

'
Not unless I have to. What
'
s that got to do with it?
'

'
So you didn't take any notice of the state he was getting in?'

'
Noticed what? What state?
'

'
How depressed he was?
'

'
Why should I? It
'
s not my fault if he
'
s in a sulk because you left and he
'
s stuck with me again.
'

'That has nothing to do with it. God, Rebecca, you
really don
'
t give a damn about him at all do you?
'

'Why should I?
It
'
s just the way he is - moody, sulky and miserable. He
'
s always been like that and always will be.
'

'Did you know
it was the anniversary of his wife
'
s death...
and his baby son?'

Rebecca twisted
her unruly hair into a single plait. 'I knew it was sometime soon, but not the exact date.
'

'And you didn't think to mention it to me?'

'As you don't work for him any more, I didn't see the point. It didn't seem that important.'

'Well it was important, in fact it was probably the most important day of the year for him. It made him
deeply depressed and desperately lonely. So now do you begrudge me giving him some company when he asks for it? When he needs it?
'

'
If that was the case, no, of course not, but it
'
s no excuse for leaping into bed with him.
'

'
What exactly are you trying to insinuate Rebecca?
'

Rebecca tossed the plait over her shoulder, and it lay down the length of her back like a second spine. '
There might have been more to it than you realise, Megs. You know how devious men like that can be and I know how blind
you
can be.
'

'
Men like what?
'

'
Your usual type; needy pathetic sorts. They know which buttons to press to get what they want from you and I bet he pushed all yours didn
'
t he? He saw the anniversary as the ideal opportunity to make a move on you knowing full well you wouldn
'
t be able to stay away.
'

Megan was appalled at her sister's accusation.
'
You
'
re talking rubbish, Becks, absolute claptrap.
'

They both sat in silence for the time it took to take two breaths. Suddenly Rebecca grabbed Megan by the wrist. The hold was forceful and u
ncomfortable, and with eyes firmly held on her sister's face, she said:

'
Meg, I
need
to ask you a serious question now and I want you to tell me the truth. Did Mackie force himself on you? Did he
…assault you?
Rape you? Is that why you are so keen to defend him?
'

'
What?!
'
Megan sat bolt upright and yanked her hand free of Rebecca
'
s grasp, suddenly finding her sister's touch repulsive. Shocked to the core, she couldn't believe those words could have come from her own sister's mouth.
'
What sort of person do you think he is - some kind of monster? How could you even think such a thing, let alone say it?
'