Saving Room for Dessert (2 page)

“C’mon, let’s go, you’re hurtin’ my neck,” Balzic said.

“What am I goin’ do with my car?”

“C’mon, we’ll figure somethin’ out.”

Balzic drove to Muscotti’s, where he ordered and paid for coffee and pointed Rayford to a table against the wall so they wouldn’t
have to put up with Vinnie ragging everybody at the bar. Loudly.

“Man, whyn’t you let me pay, I wanted to buy.”

“Well then you’d have to deal with the bartender, and I was already in here once today and he’s pissed ’cause his gums are
shrinkin’, he gotta get a new set of choppers, and he doesn’t have dental insurance, and he doesn’t wanna spend the money,
so he’s takin’ it out on everybody. He’s alright, I just didn’t know if you were ready for him or not. You can’t pay him too
much attention, that’s all, or he’ll drive you nuts. So, uh, listen, you know if you get this job, they’re gonna tell you
you gotta move here within six months, you do know that, don’t ya?”

“Well nobody told me that exactly, but I figured. Pretty S-O-P, right?”

“I don’t know how it is everywhere else, I just know about here. So, uh, how’s your family gonna deal with that?”

“Don’t have the job yet, Chief.”

“No no, no Chief. Mario, okay? And if you don’t get the job, I’ll be the most surprised guy in America. Nowicki’s been takin’
heat from the NAACP about no black cops ever since he became chief. So when he was talkin’ about your numbers, your written
score—”

“Wait wait, he told you my written score?”

“No, not the number, I didn’t ask him that. Asked him where you finished, that’s all I wanted to know. Told me you came in
first—”

“First on the written? No shit?”

“First, yeah, that’s what he said.”

Rayford started to whoop but saw the sign go up in front of him again. Fuckit. Don’t care, man. Do not care. Allow yourself
to smile maybe, but do not allow yourself to care.

“Anyway, what I started to say before was, uh, as much heat as Nowicki’s been takin’—and not just him, the whole council too,
they all been catchin’ hell about no black cops. So hey, now? You know, anybody starts bitchin’, Nowicki’s got your numbers
to show ’em. Makes it easy on him.”

“So what you’re sayin’, if I’m hearin’ you right, you’re sayin’ even though I’m first in all these tests, except the orals
which we’re not goin’ know about for a while, right?”

“Yeah, coupla days probably. And the psychological too, don’t forget. Course they won’t say anything about that.”

“Yeah, okay. So despite all that, I’m goin’ get the job because I’m black?”

“No, you’re gonna get the job because you were the best app they had. But when somebody starts bitchin’—and somebody will—’cause
that’s just the way people are—oh what’s this look you’re givin’ me?”

“What look, I’m not givin’ you any kinda look.”

“The hell you’re not. You’re lookin’ like you’re pissed ’cause they’re gonna give it to you for the wrong reason.”

“No, man, no, uh-uh. I’m just sayin’, you know, I work my ass off to stay in shape, and to keep up with what’s happenin’.
I go to the library two, three times a week, I do my homework. And to get the job ’cause I’m black?”

“You’re gonna get the job ’cause you came in first in all the tests—the ones they can measure, okay? Like I said, nobody’s
gonna talk about the psych test. All I’m tellin’ you is, from Nowicki’s point of view, that you happen to be black with the
best scores means down the road there ain’t gonna be any suits landin’ on his desk from pissed-off white guys who came in
ahead of you on the tests, okay? ’Cause no white guys did. So that just makes his job easy. And believe me, there’s nothin’
a boss likes better than an employee who makes that happen. So stop givin’ me that look.”

“I’m not givin’ you any look, I’m just …”

“Just what? C’mon, what? This I gotta hear.”

“Okay,” Rayford said, rubbing his palms together, bopping his head. “What I’m tryin’ to do is teach myself not to care how
things come out. I been workin’ on it for a while now. Like years and years. But it’s not easy, okay? It is definitely not
easy. Thing is, I been through so many of these things, you know, and it’s such a got-damn comedown when it doesn’t happen?
I’m really workin’ on tryin’ to keep myself separate from the result. Am I makin’ any sense?”

“Yeah, you’re makin’ lotsa sense. But, you know, I’m havin’ a little trouble understandin’ why you’re havin’ so much trouble
hookin’ up with any department. I don’t get around anywhere near as much as I used to, but still, I hear all the time about
departments all over the place lookin’ for good apps.”

“Yeah, right, me too. But my wife still got her momma. And every time I go through the drill, I mean, most of the time I know
goin’ in I can’t take the job ’cause that got-damn woman won’t move and my wife, no matter what I say, she ain’t about to
leave her.”

“Well that’s what I was askin’ you earlier about movin’ here.”

“I know. And I don’t know how I’m goin’ work it, but I’m goin’ work it somehow. ’Cause I told my wife, if they offer me this
one, I’m takin’ it, I’m sick a this bullshit scufflin’ around from one lame-ass job to another. I’ve had to turn down six
jobs, man, ’cause my wife wouldn’t move. So you’re right, man, no question, the jobs are out there. Went through the whole
got-damn drill six times—well a lot more than that—I’m just talkin’ ’bout the times I actually got an offer and then I had
to say no and tell ’em why. And that shit gets around, don’t think it don’t. Before this one here, the last three departments?
Soon as I told him my name they said they weren’t takin’ any more apps. So I said, nooo, uh-uh, no more, man, they offer,
I’m takin’, this is it!”

“You must really love your wife.”

“Huh? Hey, I ain’t pussy-whipped, man—”

“Didn’t say anything about pussy. I said love.”

“Yeah, okay, so you did. Well. I do. Sometimes I love her so much it … it pisses me off. I didn’t know love was supposed to
be such a got-damn problem. I mean, that’s why I’m workin’ so hard at not givin’ a got-damn. ’Cause all the times I did good
and I had to say no ’cause my wife wouldn’t move? That shit will break you down, man.

“But it’s not just her. I mean everybody in this got-damn country, they’re always talkin’ this bullshit ’bout how you have
to work hard, and if you do work hard, then you’re goin’ get the result, the job, the goal, the prize, the raise, whatever.

“See, this martial arts teacher 1 had in Alabama, he’s the one started me thinkin’ about it, about how you have to separate
yourself from the result of what you do. He used to drum it into me, every class I took from him. And for the longest time
I didn’t know what the hell he was talkin’ about, thought he was crazy, tell you the truth. I mean I tried, ’cause I liked
the dude, I really respected him, you know? He had his shit together. And he was old too. Sixty somethin’—”

“Woo that’s old,” Balzic said, laughing.

“Yeah, I know, I know, but I was eighteen when I met him. And sixty was ancient to me then, you know? And I figured ’cause
he was so old and so together, the man must know
somethin’
. So I tried, I mean I could get it in my mind, you know? I could intellectualize it—that’s what he said was the first trap.
And that’s what I did for years and years, all I did was think about it, but I never really got past that, you know? Thinkin’
about it? I could never really keep what I was doin’ separate from what I was hopin’ I was gonna get as a result, you know?
Not until yesterday.

“Then yesterday, man, for the first time, I actually got the feeling, I mean I could see this sign, I know this is goin’ sound
like some serious bullshit, but I could actually see the words out there in front of me, like they were printed on glass or
a piece of plastic or somethin’ clear like that. Big black letters. Fuckit. Just fuckit. Just run. Don’t care where you come
in, it don’t matter where you come in. And after all these years of thinkin’ about it and thinkin’ about it, it finally happened—I
mean it happened over my whole body, it wasn’t just happenin’ inside my mind, you know?”

“So this was good, right?”

“Yeah, man, it was like this huge weight fell offa me. And then today, when I was in front of that committee, I had it again.
I was givin’ it my best shot and not carin’ how it was goin’ come out.”

“But then I tell you how you’re probably gonna get the result you want but maybe not for the right reason—”

“Yeah, man, right, exactly, you tell me that, and 1 lost it. That fast, man, I was back all twisted up again. That just funked
me out. Shit. Now I got to start all over.”

“Yeah, well, you know what the Buddhists say.”

“The Buddhists? Don’t take this wrong, man, but anybody ever look like a dago Catholic, man, it’s you,” Rayford said, laughing
despite trying not to.

“I know, I know, but yeah, the Buddhists. My one daughter, she got me started with them after my heart started playin’ games
with my mind. They say life is a series of moments, the Buddhists, so you have to approach each one like it’s brand-new. And
believe me, nobody knows more than me how hard that is. So I got some idea what you’re talkin’ about. All I’m sayin’ is, don’t
let yourself get all tied up over that. If the result happens, you know, then that’s your karma. If you lived each moment
as fully as you could, you were makin’ karma—least that’s my take on it. But don’t quote me, okay, ’cause I’m king of the
backsliders. I’m always draggin’ this, uh, this wagon around with all my bad memories and prejudices and so on. So approachin’
anything like it’s brand-new, for me that’s no sure thing, believe me. Hey, c’mon, let’s go see what we can do about your
battery.”

“Told you, man, I’m broke. And maxed out on all my plastic.”

“I’m not. C’mon.”

On the way to Tony Finelli’s Garage, Balzic said,“I’m gonna say somethin’, and I want you to think about it. I know you got
the makin’s of a good cop or else I wouldn’t’ve done any talkin’ for you, alright? But even if you get this thing with your
mother-in-law straightened out, and you’re able to move here? It’s not gonna be any picnic for you here, you know that, right?”

“Yeah I know that.”

“Well from my own experience I’m gonna tell you somethin’. The worst is domestics. Inside the residence? They’re fire, man.
You say the wrong thing, you may as well be spittin’ gasoline. But the next worst—and it’s really gonna be tough for you if
you don’t think ’em out before you get outta the car. That’s the ones between the neighbors. T-D-K-P-S. Trees, dogs, kids,
parkin’ spaces, man, I’m tellin’ you, they’re dynamite lookin’ for a fuse. And when you show up? You? All these hunkies and
dags, especially the old ones, what they’re gonna see first, before they see the uniform, what they’re gonna see is your skin.
And if you don’t come on super cool, calm, and collected, they’re gonna turn on you, no matter what the beef was that prompted
the call.”

“I know that.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think you know why.”

“I think I know why.”

“No, excuse me, but I don’t think you do, you’re too young. This goes back to when the unions were startin’ to organize, way
before my time, but not before my father’s time. The steelworkers and the miners, when they were tryin’ to organize in the
early part of this century, whether they walked out or got locked out, it didn’t matter which. ’Cause if it went on for too
long, the owners, they’d bring in the scabs. And guess what color most of them were. They also brought in the immigrants too,
the new hunkies and the new wops. But the immigrants, eventually they could blend in. Not so with the blacks. And that shit?
That old resentment over them bein’ scabs? That’s still here, man. Even though those unions are dead. ’Cause the owners, that
animosity between the old union guys and the scabs? The owners worked that, man, they worked that to their benefit for years
and years. Decades. And it’s still here, don’t think it isn’t. I swear I think sometimes it got passed down through the genes.”

“I do know that,” Rayford said. “I have read my history.”

“Yeah? Well good. But knowin’ it is one thing. Havin’ to deal with the results, that’s somethin’ else again. What I’m tellin’
you is, you gotta be real careful how you get outta the car. Be real careful how fast you walk up on people. And especially
be real careful to keep your distance, three steps at least, and if you gotta get physical with somebody, unless it looks
like somebody’s gonna get hurt bad or killed, don’t even think about doin’ it without backup. And even with backup, you be
absolutely sure you don’t let anybody get behind you. These things over trees, dog shit, parkin’ spaces, I’m tellin’ ya, people
come outta the houses with everything you can think of in their hands, every tool they got in their cellar, everything they
got in their kitchen. So you make sure their hands’re empty when they’re comin’ to see what the noise is about.

“And don’t forget the spectators. Worst beatin’ I ever took on the job was from a woman I coulda picked up with one hand.
And all because I didn’t think she packed the will or the gear. Big mistake. She hit me with a metal servin’ spoon, caught
me in the throat with the first one, second one right under the nose, third one I managed to get my arm up, that’s when I
saw the knife in her other hand. Look here.” Balzic pulled his sleeve up and nodded to the scar on his left forearm.

“Twenty-three stitches to close that up, and what fooled me was she never said a word. Had her hands behind her, just walked
up and started swingin’. Turned out the guy I was cuffin’ was her son. God only knows why she swung the spoon first, ’cause
if she’da swung the knife first? She’da laid my throat open, I never saw it comin’. That was the first time I ever pulled
my piece on anybody. ’Cause I did everything wrong. Didn’t call for backup, never challenged her, never looked at her hands,
and soon as she caught me with the spoon, he started kickin’ at me, her son, so I had to resort to usin’ my piece. I’m backin’
up, blood flyin’ everywhere, I’m tryin’ to get my piece out, they’re both comin’ at me, I finally clear my piece, I’m screamin’
get on the ground or I’ll kill you both. And thank God, they did.