Sawdust (26 page)

Mum’s story really is quite amazing.
Well, the fact that she has become a caring, intuitive, empathetic and warm person and a fantastic mother is the amazing bit. How she managed to turn into the wonderful person I know and love blows my mind. I think some people have amazing resilience to horrible situations and Mum is a great example of this.

Mum always told us that all she ever wanted to be was a mother. She taught us to keep our eyes open, to listen, to question, to love and to be safe. I am so proud of who Mum has become. I remember bits of the “old” mum: the person who would try to hide her face if you spoke to her directly and compare that to now: a woman who is quietly confident and has learned to understand what happened to her was not her fault.

I’m not sure if Mum ever made a specific decision to tell us about her past. But somewhere inside of me I’ve known her story since I was a child. I was the one who figured out who the perpetrator was because Mum didn’t want to tell me who it was (understandably).

I still remember it taking me ages to solve it... I kept saying to Mum over and over: ‘But who could have done this to you without your parents knowing? Grandy and Nana would have protected you!’ I guess that just goes to show my innocence and naivety at the time. I still remember the day I figured it out and I was so shocked it was difficult to breathe... I still feel bad that as an eight or nine year-old, I asked Mum why she didn’t stop him.

When it came to Mum’s past, she would only ever answer my questions in the way I asked them. She never volunteered information. Nevertheless, that’s the main reason I knew more than my sister and brother: I simply asked more questions. For some stupid reason I thought sexual abuse was just touching (Mum had always told us that nobody is allowed to touch our private parts). I was nearly sick to my stomach the day I made the mistake of asking – in general conversation
–
when Mum had lost her virginity.

I actually didn’t think her father had had SEX with her. This was now really bad. Then I thought he’d only done it once! I almost couldn’t bear the thought. I still can’t. It’s almost like my definition of hell kept changing with every new question and answer session. Looking back, I think Mum wasn’t sure how much to tell me – for my own sake but also her own.

She was coming to terms with her childhood while at the same time trying to be honest with me. Looking back, there probably were times I was too young to know what I knew. Funny, writing this now, I still haven’t made up my mind whether I want to read Mum’s book cover to cover – except that I probably know most of it anyway.

I think, looking back it was hard to learn the details of what happened to Mum. I continually pushed to know more, it was as if by hearing the gruesome details I could somehow share some of her pain and hold her hand through it.

I remember getting to a point where I felt physically ill, and ANGRY. So ANGRY this had happened to her. I got to a stage where I refused to see my grandfather and I think I secretly told myself if he ever died, I’d be glad.

When Grandy did die of a brain tumour, Mum told me she wanted to go to the funeral and although I didn’t intend to go, I told her I would go but only to support her. On the day of the funeral, a strange feeling came over me: I no longer felt angry anymore…. And I still don’t know why. Everyone including Mum wore black/grey to the funeral (as you do), but I still remember Mum wearing a fuchsia pink hat on the day. I think it was Mum’s way of saying – I’m not a victim, I’m free.

Sarah Gallagher

February 2013

• ACT for Kids –
www.actforkids.com.au
/
– Provides therapy and support for children who have been abused or neglected. Telephone: (07) 3357 9444.

• Adults Surviving Child Abuse –
www.asca.org.au
– Self-help resources and Professional Support Line: 1300 657 380.

• Australian Childhood Foundation –
www.childhood.org.au/home/
– Aims to strengthen community responsibility for promoting the well-being and protection of children throughout Australia.

• Bravehearts –
www.bravehearts.org.au
/
– To educate, empower and protect Australian kids from sexual assault.

• Brisbane Rape and Incest Survivors Support Centre –
www.brissc.org.au
/
– Services for women survivors of sexual violence and their supporters. Telephone: (07) 3391 0004.

• Bursting the Bubble –
www.burstingthebubble.com
/
For teenagers who are living with family violence.

• Child Abuse Prevention Helpline 1800 991 099 –
www.childwise.net/Help-Advice/child-wise-national-child-abuse-prevention-helpline.html
.

• Children and Youth Health –
www.cyh.sa.gov.au
/
– A South Australian government resource with practical health information for parents, carers and young people.

• CREATE Foundation –
www.create.org.au
/
– Non-government organisation connecting and empowering children and young people in care.

• DVconnect –
www.dvconnect.org
/
– Provides free 24/7 help for women, men, children and pets affected by domestic and family violence across Queensland. DVconnect womensline: 1800 811 811. DVconnect mensline: 1800 600 636.

• Hands On Scotland –
www.handsonscotland.co.uk
/
– A Scottish government sponsored online resource for anyone working with children and young people.

• Healthy Start –
www.healthystart.net.au
/
– An Australia-wide strategy to support parents with learning difficulties and promote a healthy start to life for their young children.

• Kids Help Line –
www.kidshelp.com.au
/
– Confidential and anonymous, twenty-four hour telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 5-18.

• Lifeline –
www.uccommunity.org.au
/
– Provides twenty-four hour telephone counselling and services to assist people in Queensland communities. Telephone: 13 11 14.

• National Association for Child Abuse and Neglect (NAPCAN) –
www.napcan.org.au
/
– National organisation focused on promotion and primary prevention of child abuse and neglect.

• National Child Protection Clearinghouse –
www.aifs.gov.au/cfca
/
– Australian Institute of Family Studies advisory and research unit focused on the prevention of child abuse and neglect and associated family violence.

• Parentline –
www.parentline.com.au
/
– Confidential telephone counselling service providing professional counselling and support for parents and all who have the care of children. Telephone: 1300 301 300.

• Protect All Children Today Inc. –
www.pact.org.au
/
– Services for children and young people aged 3-17 who are victims or witnesses within the criminal justice system. Telephone: 1800 090 111.

• Queensland Child Safety –
www.communities.qld.gov.au/childsafety/protecting-children/reporting
-child-abuse
– Reporting child abuse in Queensland.

• Raising Children Network –
raisingchildren.net.au
/
–
Joint Victorian government/community organisation website providing information to help parents with the day-to-day decisions of raising children, and looking after their own needs.

• Relationships Australia –
www.raq.org.au/services/counselling/victims
-counselling-and-support-service.

• Women’s Infolink –
www.communities.qld.gov.au/women/about-us/womens
-infolink
– Provides a state-wide free and confidential information and referral service about community services and government agencies supporting women. Telephone: 1800 177 577.

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