Say What You Will (19 page)

M
ATTHEW WORKED LATE THAT
night with Sue and Carlton, who knew enough of the story to ask what was up with his missing friend.

“We found her! I saw her—just now, as a matter of fact.” He was sweaty from his bike ride, but so happy he laughed. “She’s fine! Everything’s fine. She just didn’t like school all that much.” He was glad this group knew a little about Amy, but he wasn’t going to tell them all of her secrets.

Sue looked up from her inventory clipboard. “So, I guess—what? You and Hannah aren’t going to happen?”

Matthew’s smile faded quickly.

He remembered Hannah’s email in the middle of Amy’s crisis, which he had pretty much ignored. Everything with Amy happened so quickly he hadn’t thought much about it until now. Fortunately Hannah wasn’t on the schedule, so he didn’t have to worry about seeing her. Instead he worked, more distracted than usual, especially when a couple came in with a newborn baby sleeping in a car seat. “We’ll leave if he cries,” the dad said. “We just had to get out of the house.”

Instead of cleaning after that, Matthew texted Amy with a new thought:

By ten thirty he was surprised. He still hadn’t heard back from her. He tried again.

It didn’t. He imagined himself in a practical mode. Fetching ice chips and washcloths. Making mixed CDs of Amy’s favorite music, which was mostly not very good. They could laugh about that in between contractions. Of course there would be mess, but he’d prepare himself for that. Rubber gloves wouldn’t be unheard of in a delivery room, he was pretty sure.

It would be fine. Better than fine. It would bond them more than any of the struggles they’d endured to date. They could forget about prom and the bad way he acted on their last night of summer. All that could fall away now that they had a real challenge to face. It put him in a surprisingly optimistic mood—whistling as he made change from the cash drawer, bumping it shut afterward with his hip.

I can do this,
he thought every time he did something.
No problem.

I can help Amy with whatever she needs. I’ve done it before.

It was like the voice was back. Only this time it was whispering positive things.

And then at the end of the night, he checked his phone. No messages. No texts. Nothing.

Something’s wrong,
the voice said. S
omething’s horribly wrong.

It turned out the voice was right. Amy had been in the hospital for sixteen hours when Matthew called Mr. Heffernan the next morning and found out what was going on. Amy collapsed yesterday, about an hour after he left. When they got her to the emergency room, her blood pressure was sky-high and there was protein in her urine. “All signs of preeclampsia, so they admitted her right away,” Mr. Heffernan explained to him over the phone. “This can hit very suddenly like this, without too much warning. The blood pressure is fine one day and it skyrockets the next.”

In the process of getting her admitted to the hospital, Mr. Heffernan had to call her parents and tell them what was going on.

“What did they say?” Matthew asked.

“Well, they’re happy she’s alive. A brush with death usually makes parents forgive other transgressions.”

But this was a big one. Never mind the sex and the baby it produced. There was also the matter of leaving school without telling her parents. Of staying with an old teacher her mother hated.

Later that morning, he met Mr. Heffernan in the lobby of the hospital. Together they walked to the floor where Amy was staying and saw her parents in the hall, talking to a doctor. Nicole was listening, her brows furrowed, nodding. Matthew felt a stab of panic.
She’ll blame me for all of this. She’ll say it’s all my fault.

Nicole didn’t look away from the doctor’s face, but Amy’s father did. When he saw Matthew, he smiled. “Go on in,” he mouthed, and pointed to the door.

Though Matthew hated to say it, he couldn’t believe how terrible Amy looked—swollen and blotchy and ghostly pale. Then her mouth dropped open when she saw him and he felt relieved. This was her smile. Smiling like this, she looked like her old self. She lifted one hand. “Hii-i-i-ah,” she said.

“Hi, Aim.” He looked around for her Pathway, which was on the table. “Can I give you this?” He placed it on the bed next to her hand and waited for a minute. She didn’t make a move to type anything.

“So I talked with Mr. Heffernan down in the lobby. He told me what was going on. Sounds like it was scary, but you’re okay now?”

She closed her eyes and nodded.

He wasn’t sure what else to say. “It also turns out he gave me a
conditional
B-plus in his class. Apparently I still owe him a lab write-up.”

Amy smiled but didn’t laugh.

“I saw your mom and dad. They’re talking to the doctor. Mr. Heffernan said the doctors still aren’t sure what’s going on—”

“I KNOW.”

“You do?”

She nodded.

“What is it?”

He realized then that her eyes weren’t closed from exhaustion. She turned her head away. She was trying not to cry. Her hand pushed the computer away, across the bed, onto the floor. Matthew understood. She didn’t want to talk or answer questions. “I’m here, Aim. That’s all,” he said, pulling a chair from the far wall next to her bed. “I’m just here, if that’s okay.”

He sat down and squeezed her good hand. “Is that okay?”

Her hand felt different. Tight and swollen. She couldn’t squeeze back. That’s when he noticed her whole left side was swollen. Her leg, her hand, even her face and neck were puffed up on one side.

By the afternoon, he’d filled in enough details to know why Amy didn’t want to talk about it. Preeclampsia was essentially a pregnant woman’s bad reaction to the baby she’s carrying. For now they would keep Amy in the hospital. If it was preeclampsia, they would do everything they could to bring her blood pressure down, but ultimately it would only be a temporary solution, because the only cure for preeclampsia was delivery of the baby. At twenty-seven weeks, that would mean a preterm baby—less than three pounds, probably—who would almost certainly have medical complications. Though the doctor didn’t say this, everyone recognized the cruel irony: delivering the baby to save Amy’s life could leave the baby as disabled as the mother whose life was being saved. Whose life was worth more? Which risk was worth taking?

After a day, there were decisions to be made. Sanjay called once and talked to Nicole long enough to make it clear: he wanted no part of making this decision.

“IT’S JUST AS WELL,” Amy said. “IT MAKES THIS EASIER.”

“It makes him a jerk,” Matthew said.

“MAYBE. SOME PEOPLE CAN’T DEAL WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS.”

Matthew liked what this implied: he
could
deal with it. He
was
dealing with it.

And he was. All day he surprised himself with something new he was doing, no problem at all. Help a nurse lift Amy onto a gurney by holding her bag of pee: no problem, apparently. He washed his hands afterward, but only once.

As often as possible, he held Amy’s hand. Sometimes that meant sitting for an hour, not talking at all. Sometimes it meant holding her bad hand so her good one was free to type.

One afternoon, Amy slept so soundly that he picked up her Pathway, thinking he might check his messages. He switched it over to wireless mode and the desktop appeared with a file that caught his eye:
Notes to Matthew—Unsent.
He opened it and read through everything she hadn’t told him about her time at school.

That night, he went home and tried to write her back:

He stopped writing there, because for some reason writing this down had made him start to cry.

“I WISH I COULD PUT YOU AS THE DAD,” Amy typed the next day when they were alone.

He knew the focus of these visits was to do everything possible to keep Amy calm and keep her blood pressure down. “Me too,” he said softly.

“A FRAGILE BABY NEEDS THE RIGHT PARENTS.”

“That’s true.” He wished he could say:
I’ll do this with you. If we have to, we will
.

“I PICKED SOME PEOPLE. THEIR NAMES ARE SUE AND JIM MALLON. THERE’S A BOX IN MR. H’S HOUSE WITH THEIR PROFILE IN IT. WILL YOU READ IT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?”

So far they hadn’t talked about Nicole or how she was handling all of this. She hadn’t been particularly friendly to Matthew, but she hadn’t been openly hostile, either. “Do you want your mom to talk to them?” he asked.

She was very clear. “NO. I WANT YOU TO.”

He understood that she asked him to do this because she wanted it to happen. With her parents, it might not.

That afternoon, he went home with Mr. H and found their profile in one of Amy’s boxes. The woman was blond like Amy and was a website designer with a degree in music composition. The man was an environmental lawyer. Their pictures looked unposed and happy. In most of them, they looked like they were talking or sharing a joke. They had a nice house with a fenced yard, and grandparents nearby. Matthew read through everything until he finally sat back in surprise. Both parents had written long letters to prospective birth moms. Sue’s was longer than Jim’s; in the middle, he found this: “My husband suffered from a mild anxiety disorder in college, which made it harder for him to make friends. He’s much better now, but the journey we shared together bonded us in ways that I feel sure will make us better parents. We have learned that no one is perfect.”

Surely Amy couldn’t have predicted the situation he was in now, but maybe this was what drew her to them in the first place. “YOU’LL KNOW IF THEY’RE HESITANT,” Amy had told him. “YOU’LL FEEL IT. I THINK WE JUST HAVE TO TRUST OUR INSTINCTS.”

He called them up and explained the whole situation.

Sue listened as he described Amy’s condition and the preeclampsia that was unrelated to her CP. “They’ve stabilized her for now but it won’t last long—maybe a week at best. It’s enough time to give her steroid injections to strengthen the baby’s lungs, but the baby is going to be premature. She’ll weigh around three pounds, if we’re lucky. She’ll probably have complications as a result of that. There’s no telling how severe they will be. Amy picked you as her first choice of parents for her baby and now she’d like to know if you’d still be interested in this situation.”

It hadn’t been an easy speech to make, but he understood why Amy couldn’t make it herself. How could she ask:
If my baby turns out like me, would you still want her?

Sue answered without any hesitation: “Of course we’re still interested. We’ve talked over all these possibilities and yes. Yes, we’re still interested.”

T
HE MEDICINE THEY GAVE
Amy fogged her brain and made it hard to tell the difference between night and day. She had no idea how long she’d been in the hospital. When she opened her eyes, she saw Matthew as often as she saw her mother, which was a relief. She didn’t have the strength to fight with her mother. Her good hand was too swollen to type out the things she needed to say:
I don’t want to be friends with someone like Brooks. I don’t care if he’s smart, and you and Dad decided I should be. I know what I want and it’s Matthew.

She’d been here for at least two days, maybe longer, and hadn’t been able to say any of that. Instead she drifted in and out of a sleepy/dreamy state, hearing her mother’s voice, which carried her back through time and memories of being with her mother in hospitals and doctor’s offices. The hours of therapy, of rolling balls between their outstretched legs and blowing feathers across the dining-room table. All of it hard, some of it impossible. (She could never blow, though they kept trying for years.) She remembered being six years old and sitting in her mother’s lap with her arms locked behind her, the pain so intense she couldn’t breathe. She remembered the day she took her first steps without her walker. She was eight by then, and their house had been furnished with this goal in mind, every chair and sofa placed a step and a half apart so she could lurch like a cruising toddler from one handhold to the next. It happened just before dinner. Usually Amy wasn’t hungry at night, but this time she was starving and there was hummus and tzatziki, her favorites. Her mother must have seen the hunger on her face and recognized an opportunity. She put the food on the table and said, “Come to the table, Amy. If you want to eat, come to the table.”

There were six steps between her and the table. She’d never taken more than three without falling. Amy launched across the divide and veered toward the table. She made it three, then four, then five steps without falling. On the last step, she pivoted too quickly and went down, narrowly missing the edge of the table with her head.

“There,” Nicole said, pulling her back up. “See? You did it. You walked five steps by yourself.”

How could she hate someone who’d spent her whole life ensuring that Amy had one? But how could she help choosing a person like Matthew, who loved her in a different, gentler way than her mother ever had? She wondered if there was a way to say this without words.

She listened and waited and began to hope: maybe she already had. Having this baby was the first truly independent decision Amy had ever made. Maybe they looked at this and saw how she was moving away. Maybe they understood what she was saying in a whisper so soft only the people who knew her best could hear:
this body, with its needs and its laundry list of problems, is mine
.

Matthew couldn’t get over the surprising shift in dynamics. It had gone undiscussed, at least with him. By the time Sue and Jim had driven down from Menlo Park to meet the family and await the birth, it didn’t matter who was the father; Matthew had become her partner in negotiating all this. Nicole stood in the background, Max behind her, as Matthew brought the couple into the room and introduced them to Amy. “Amy, this is Sue. And Jim, meet Amy.” They each stepped forward and shook Amy’s hand. Afterward he introduced her parents, almost as an afterthought: “And the grandparents, of course. Nicole and Max.”

Had Amy made this happen by putting him in charge? He didn’t know.

That first visit only lasted ten minutes. The magnesium sulfate Amy was getting to lower her blood pressure made her so tired, she often fell asleep in the middle of a visit.

After they left, Matthew kept talking. As long as Amy’s head moved in response to a joke, he knew she was listening. He bent over her pillow and asked her what she thought. “Goo—” she said.

Because her typing was so limited with her swollen hands, he’d begun to understand her speech better. He smiled. “I liked them, too.”

For five days, they kept up a rotating vigil at her bedside—her parents, himself, Mr. Heffernan, and a random assortment of others. Chloe stopped by, as did some old teachers. Matthew called in sick to work but kept up his appointments with Beth. He needed that anchor to make sense of everything that was happening to them.

With Beth, he surprised himself. When he got to her office, he didn’t talk about Amy or the baby he was helping to arrange a life for. He talked about what happened with Hannah. That night behind the screen when she leaned over and kissed him. For a long time he hadn’t let himself remember it, and now he couldn’t seem to forget it. It got bigger in his mind, and worse. What if the bad things that were happening now were proof that the voice was right all along?
See? I told you. If you aren’t careful, Amy might get sick and almost lose her baby. If you aren’t careful, anything can happen
. Logically, of course, it didn’t make sense. His voice didn’t care about girls trying to kiss him.

But he couldn’t get his brain to understand the difference. Being scared of kissing felt as big and panicky as being scared of germs and death. “Well,” Beth said when he tried to explain this. “They both mean something dies. The person you once were—the boy too afraid to kiss a girl—dies when you do it.”

He almost reminded her that he
had
kissed girls, back when he was fine, but that wasn’t the point. Beth was right. Something did die every time you changed. Amy wasn’t the same person she used to be. Neither was he. Maybe it had already happened.