Scars of the Future (20 page)

“I really am trying.” I moved my feet slowly so I was heading in Matt’s direction but came to a sudden stop when I realized the guys weren’t alone. Kristen was sitting at the bar next to him, her head close to his as she spoke. He didn’t seem to be replying, but I saw his head bob a few times in answer. His hand went up, signaling the bartender for another drink, and he turned his head to flash Kristen a smile.

“Damn it, Matt. What are you doing?” Josh murmured as he came to a stop next to me.

“All because I don’t want to marry him right this moment, Josh.” I wiped a lone tear that had fallen down my cheek, not even realizing I was crying.

“Let me get him, okay?” Josh put his hand on my shoulder.

I shook my head and started to move again, but Matt swiveled in his chair so he was facing Kristen and I watched as she pressed her lips to his. I waited, positive he would push her away, but when his arms came up to wrap around her and do the opposite of pushing her away, I stopped abruptly again. Pain flared in my chest and my vision went blurry with tears.

Josh cursed again and gently pushed by me in a hurry to get to the bar. I stayed rooted to my spot as Josh said something to Drew before putting his hand on Matt’s shoulder.

“Matt. What the hell are you doing?” Josh’s voice sounded hard and Matt pulled back from Kristen to look at him.

“Hey man. I was just talking to Kristen here,” Matt slurred sloppily and I knew he’d had an insane amount to drink. His eyes were glassy and his smile was lazy as he tried to focus on his friend.

Josh glared at Kristen before turning it back to Matt. “You have a girlfriend. A very pregnant one. What the hell are you thinking?”

“Dude, leave him alone. He’s just having a good time.” Drew let an arm drape around Josh’s shoulders but Josh brushed it off quickly.

“
Dude
, shut the hell up and get some water.” Josh looked back to Matt expectantly.

“I’m thinking that she doesn’t want to be with me. Not really. If she hadn’t gotten pregnant we wouldn’t even be together. She doesn’t want a family like I do. She feels obligated at this point and I want a family with someone who wants a family.” He smiled lazily at Kristen once he was done with his declaration and pulled her so she was sitting in his lap. She at least had the decency to look uncomfortable and she struggled against him a little bit.

“Drew called and told me they broke up, Josh, or else I wouldn’t be here.” Kristen’s voice was soft and pleading as she looked up at Josh.

He didn’t respond to her as he glanced over his shoulder at me and Matt followed his gaze. When his eyes collided with mine he froze. Kristen caught sight of me as well and her face turned red in embarrassment. She tried to pull herself from Matt’s grip again but he still wouldn’t let her go.

Drew let out of a huff of laughter. “Well, this is awkward.”

“Amanda.” Matt’s lips tipped into a tiny smile and I shook my head without speaking. I was either going to yell or cry, neither of which I wanted to do.

I brought one hand up to wipe my face and the other to rest on my stomach. Matt tracked the movement, his tough bravado shimmering for a moment, but he recovered quickly.

“I deserve a family. A real family, not a forced one.” His words were hard to make out, but I understood him loud and clear.

Josh sucked in a breath, anger clouding his face. “You’re an idiot, Matt.” He clenched his fists at his side, and I knew he was close to breaking. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d hit Matt when he was being an idiot.

“It’s okay, Josh. Don’t bother. Matt has decided what he wants.”

I backed up three steps and a look of panic crossed Matt’s face, but I didn’t stick around for anything else. Josh called my name, but I moved as fast as my feet could carry me and got into my car. I pulled out of the parking lot and the first sob escaped my throat. I had gone two miles back towards the house when I pulled over onto the side of the road and dug my phone out of my purse. Dialing Maddie’s number, I brought it to my ear.

“Amanda?” Her voice sounded sleepy and I knew I had woken her up for the second time that night.

I sniffled as I attempted to stifle another sob. “Can I come stay the night at your place?”

“Of course.” She sounded instantly awake. “You can always come over.”

“Don’t let Josh bring him to your place. I don’t want to see him.” I rubbed my stomach frantically, as if the baby could feel the heartbreak and I need to calm her, too.

“I’ll call him right now. I’m going to kill my brother.”

I didn’t want to talk about him anymore so I ignored her comment. “I’m on my way. Thanks Maddie.”

I hung up the phone and quickly turned my car around to head towards Folsom.

Maddie was waiting when I got there and she opened the door as I moved up the walk. She didn’t say anything as she wrapped her arms around me and let me cry in the middle of her living room. When my sobs turned to hiccups, she led me down the hallway to the bedroom with the spare bed. She had already brought in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt for me, so I quickly changed and collapsed on the pillow. I don’t know how long I cried before I finally let sleep consume me.

Chapter Twenty

I woke up in the morning feeling drained both physical and mentally. The sun shone around the edge of the curtains and it took me a moment to assess my surroundings. Maddie and Josh’s guest bedroom was small but very homey. The quilt that had been draped over me was one I recognized from Linda’s house as a child and it smelled familiar. Pictures of different landscape scenes from the world adorned the walls and I smiled as I thought about my friend’s love for travel.

I allowed myself to bask in the happiness before letting my mind wander to the night before. I had known Matt was upset, but I never had envisioned him doing something like that. Blatantly and purposefully hurting someone was definitely not his style or personality. I stared at the ceiling and rubbed my swollen eyes before moving into a sitting position. I didn’t have my cell phone, having left it in my car, but I could tell that it was at least mid-morning.

I slowly moved myself out of the bed and walked down the hall towards the living room. I heard voices coming from that direction and I froze to double check that the clothes Maddie had given me covered everything. Before I could move again, Maddie’s angry voice flowed down the hallway.

“No. Let her sleep. I don’t know if you’ve realized, but she’s growing a child inside of her- your child, by the way. She needs the rest more than ever after the night you put her through. I’m so damn mad at you, Matthew.”

I could hear Matt trying to interrupt her but Maddie wasn’t having it. “No. I have never been this mad at you in my life. You were a total dick to her yesterday at dinner. You know, the holiday dinner where you give thanks for what you have? Did you see her face when you chose not to sit by her? I did and I want to smack you for it. And then you go and immediately put your tongue down your ex-girlfriend’s throat. You’re a
great
man, Matt. I’m
so
glad I’ve looked up to you my whole life.”

“I’m such a moron. It’s killed me to stay away from her all week, but…” Matt’s voice sounded dejected and flat.

“You just wanted to punish her for being herself. She’s doing the best she can to be what you want. It’s been, what, three months and you’re pissed she won’t marry you?  Get over yourself. She’s always adjusting her life for everyone else and you would think a man who claims he loves her would try to make sure she didn’t have to do that this time around.” Maddie paused for a moment and the next time she spoke her voice had lowered. “How can you do that to someone you love, Matt? How could you be so selfish and intentionally hurt her like that? I’m not sure you deserve her or that baby she’s carrying.”

Matt’s loud sigh sounded agonizing and broken. Regardless of how he hurt me, knowing he was also hurting didn’t help.

“I’m so mad at you.” Maddie said with a defeated tone in her voice.

“Get in line, Madelyn. I’m mad at myself.”

“She was so broken when she got here. Absolutely broken, Matthew. Do you know the last time I saw her that devastated?” She stopped to let him answer and when he didn’t she continued. “When her dad died. That’s the last time I have seen her that sad. So, good job.”

I didn’t want to hear anymore. I turned and retreated back down the hallway, stopping only to detour by the guest bathroom. I went back into the guestroom and climbed in the comfy bed, cuddling under the warm quilt and letting my eyes close. I had just started to drift again when the door opened quietly. My eyes popped open and I tensed as I silently hoped that it wasn’t Matt. The quilt pulled back slightly and a smaller body got in next to me. Maddie wrapped her arms around me, her silent way of telling me she knew I was awake, and I clutched her hands with mine as I cried again.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, but sometime after I’d stopped crying Maddie let out a long sigh.

“Want to go get breakfast? Just you and me.”

I shook my head as the thought of being in public made me tired. “Can I take a rain check? I don’t know if I want to be out with all of those crazy Black Friday shoppers coming down off their shopping highs.”

Maddie giggled and increased the hold she had around me. “I didn’t even think about that. Tomorrow then, okay?”

“Tomorrow,” I agreed with a nod as I sat up. We both leaned against the headboard and I sighed loudly.

“Do you want to talk about last night?” Maddie looked at me cautiously and I shook my head.

“Not really. Did he leave?”

Maddie shook her head. “I told him to, but I don’t know.”

“ Isn’t it funny how things start to feel so right and then something comes along to shatter that?” I studied my nails as I spoke.

Maddie sat up, nodding her head. “I felt that way, too. I’ve decided, though, that it doesn’t always have to shatter. It can shake and maybe even crack, but it doesn’t have to shatter. Don’t let anything break you, Amanda. You are so strong, and not even my idiot brother can take that away from you. Okay?”

I leaned my head on her shoulder and sighed. “You’re an amazing friend.”

“You’ve always been there for me and I will always be there for you.” She entwined our fingers and we just stared at the wall in silence.

A soft knock on the door interrupted the peace, and I glanced over as Matt slowly pushed it open. He was still wearing his clothes from the day before and looked an equal mix between tired and sad. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen him so unhappy.

“Manda, can I talk to you? Please?” The desperation on his face was almost laughable but I just stared at him. Finally, I nodded slightly.

Maddie turned to look at me. “Want me to stay?”

I waited a few beats before barely shaking my head. “That’s okay.”

“Okay, I’ll be out in the living room if you need me.”

She wrapped her arms around me, hugging me as tight as she could with my stomach in the way, and kissed my forehead before she stood from the bed. She moved to leave the room but paused in front of her brother, giving him a look I’d never seen her direct his way before. His eyes dropped to the floor until Maddie brushed by him.

Matt took several slow steps forward until he was able to sit on the edge of the bed. He inhaled a deep breath and just looked at me.

“I love you. I hope that, despite everything, you know that I love you. So much.”

I finally met his eyes but didn’t respond.

“I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been acting. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I really am sorry. I haven’t been fair to you at all.”

I shook my head and looked away from him. I had thought I could sit there and listen to him talk, but I couldn’t. Between the smell of stale alcohol coming from him and the images of him and Kristen, being around Matt made my stomach feel sick.

“Can you please just leave me alone?”

“No, I can’t.” I felt the bed shift and he pulled me to him until I was against his chest. “I can’t stand that you’re sitting in here hurting by yourself and it’s even worse because I’m the one who hurt you. I swore I would never do that.”

I didn’t struggle against his hold but instead fought against returning it.

“Do you know how much your rejection hurts?” I whispered into his shoulder, shaking my head. “Getting the cold shoulder from the person you love when you absolutely need them is so painful. And then you… God, you were touching her and letting her touch you, and I’m just disgusted with you.”

“I’m sorry, Amanda. I’m so fucking sorry.” He kissed the top of my head and increased his hold on me. “You do know that I love you, right? Please say you know that.”

I bit my lip. I knew he did, of course, but it didn’t feel like it. “I know you don’t treat someone you love like that.” I pulled myself from his hold and stood up. “You said last night that you wanted a family. We’re having a baby together, Matt. I’m madly in love you with. But that doesn’t make us a real family?”

“Manda, I didn’t mean that.” Matt’s voice broke as he spoke. “You and Liv are everything to me and absolutely everything I need.”

I shook my head quickly. “I don’t want to be around you. I can’t even stand to look at you.”

Matt’s face looked broken and he shook his head, too. “I just want to hold you.”

Anger boiled in my chest. “And I just wanted you to hold me yesterday. And the day before that. And they day before that. And even the day before that. And you wanted to hold someone else. So fuck you and what
you
want.”

He flinched as if I’d hit him, but he didn’t say anything else as I dressed silently and walked out of the room. I grabbed my purse and hugged Maddie tight, thanking her before I rushed out to my car. I drove through the city until I was in our garage and I walked into the house.

I made it to the master bedroom and threw my purse across the room. It hit the wall, spilling its contents everywhere. Anger and frustration filled my head and I welcomed something other than sadness. The feeling of needing to scream at the top of my lungs was almost overwhelming.

I pulled on a long-sleeved top and a pair of yoga pants that still fit before putting my hair up in a ponytail. The doctor had warned me that I should stop running at thirty weeks, and I was one week past that, but I really needed it. The only risk he’d mentioned was falling, so I figured I’d just run slowly.

It was pretty chilly outside and the sky looked like it wanted to snow, but the minute my feet hit the pavement I forgot about that. My pace was probably about half as quick as it was normally, but I didn’t care. I had left the house so quickly that I didn’t have any music with me but that didn’t matter.  I felt my anger and stress lessen slightly as I hit a mile, and that’s when I heard the footsteps behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Matt dressed in a pair of workout pants and a t-shirt. When he reached my side, he matched my pace but didn’t say anything. We just ran as we always did and I was okay with that.

My knees started to ache at two miles and so I decided to turn around early. By the time we hit mile three, I had brought the pace down a lot. The last half mile I stopped jogging altogether and walked. I turned my head to look at Matt, who had dropped down to a walk as well, and he was just studying me with a serious look on his face.

“I need you to leave me alone,” I said quietly. “I don’t want to see you.”

“Can we please just talk about this? The Kristen thing was stupid and I was hammered. Amanda, please.”

I stopped and turned to him suddenly, so sick of his justifications. He misinterpreted my reasons for stopping and reached out to pull me towards him. I put both of my hands on his chest and shoved him as hard as I could. It took him by surprise, because he stumbled two steps back even though I knew I was nowhere near strong enough to move him.

“I don’t want to hear your excuses. Leave me alone.”

I picked up the pace again and ignored the ache in my knees as I ran the rest of the way home. I pulled off my clothes and got into the hot spray of the shower as I let the tears run down my face. When I got out of the shower I could hear someone yelling in the kitchen.

“I have never been so disappointed in you in my entire life, Matthew Ryan. Never once.” Linda’s voice was loud, and I had never heard her yell like that before. “I don’t know how you can still call yourself a man after what you’ve done.”

Matt’s response was hard to hear since he wasn’t yelling back, but Linda wasn’t having it.

“I don’t care if you’d been drinking. I know firsthand how devastating it is when the person you love betrays you and your child. I thought I had raised you better than that.” Linda’s voice was sharp and I could almost picture Matt wincing at the subtle comment about his father.

I dried myself off and moved into the bedroom to pull on some clothes. Once I was dressed, I walked down the hallway softly. Matt was sitting on the living room couch with his head in his hands and Linda had her own on her hips as she glared at him. Once she caught sight of me, her gaze softened and she moved in my direction.

“Amanda,” she said lovingly before pulling me in close. “How are you?”

I forced my lips into a stiff smile and nodded my head. “I’ve been better.”

“I’m sure.” She shot a glare towards Matt before giving me another hug. “Can I do anything for you?”

I shook my head and glanced at the man on the couch. “Can I talk to Matt, please?”

“Yes, of course. I’m going to head home, but you let me know if you need anything. The key is still in the planter next to the door if you need to come over for any reason, okay?” She kissed my forehead and sent another seething look towards her son before walking out the front door.

Neither of us moved. I stood in the hallway and he kept his head cradled in his hands.

After several long minutes I was the first to speak. “Did you sleep with her, Matt?”

His head snapped up and he shook it quickly. “Amanda, what you saw is what happened. She kissed me once and that as it.”

“Did you call her and ask her to meet you there?”

He sighed. “Drew did. I don’t know what he was thinking, but he told her you and I were over. I didn’t even realize he had until she showed up.”

“Matt, if you found me in another man’s lap, his lips pressed against mine… How would you react?”

“I’d rip you out of his lap and probably punch him in the face.” His voice was quiet.

“And if I kissed him back? Ran my hands down his body?”

“Fuck. My head hurts thinking about it.” He dropped his head back into his hands.

“Yeah, I’ve lived it. It doesn’t feel good. It wasn’t merely a ‘she kissed you’ thing, Matt. You were a very active participant.” I stopped and swallowed back the tears that threatened.

“I can do this alone. I told you that from the start. Or if you want to be a part of her life, we can co-parent without actually being together. We can work it out so we could live together while not together for a little while, too.”

“That’s not what I want at all.” Matt’s voice cracked and put both hands behind his neck, his trademark sign of being stressed. I could tell he was fighting tears.

“That’s not how you made it seem last night. I don’t want to be with someone who runs away just because he didn’t get his own way.” I let out a dry laugh. “It’s ironic, isn’t it? You accused me of having one foot out the door but yet it was you who ran the second things weren’t perfect.”

Matt stood quickly and took a step towards me, but when I stepped back he froze.

“I love you,” he pleaded desperately.

“You don’t do that to someone you love, Matt.” I let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what I expected. You slept with me when you were with her, so maybe this is what I deserve. I need space. I’m going to sleep in the guestroom for a while.” He opened his mouth to protest and I shook my head. “If you love me at all, you’ll respect that. You’ll man up and own your mistakes.”

He closed his mouth quickly and nodded. “Okay.”

I walked past him into the kitchen and I smiled when I saw Linda had brought Thanksgiving leftovers. I heated them up quietly and sat at the table to eat. Matt stayed in the living room, and when I was done I felt his eyes follow me around.

“Manda?” Matt’s voice was reluctant. I glanced back at him but didn’t respond. “You take our bed, okay? I’ll sleep in the guestroom.”

I nodded, grabbing my work bag and laptop before heading back to the bedroom.