Scars of the Future (29 page)

Epilogue

Matt parked Craig’s old Suburban in the parking spot and stared out the windshield for a moment before looking at me.

“You ready?”

I nodded and turned back to look at all of the people who were piled into the huge SUV. Maddie was behind me, gently shaking a toy over a fussy Olivia. Josh sat on the other side of the car seat and gave me an encouraging smile.

“I’m ready,” said Claire loudly from the seat where she was between her dad and Sean. “I want to touch the water.”

“It’s going to be cold, Claire Bear,” David replied with a smile. “I’m not sure even your little toes can handle it.

David was right. Just the air around Lake Tahoe in April would be freezing, but the water would feel like an unpleasant ice bath. We weren’t there to swim, though. Everyone was joining me to fulfill my mother’s final request.

Sydney gave me a small nudge from where she was sitting beside me. She had been the only one, besides the kids, who was small enough to sit in the middle seat and I knew she was feeling crowded.

“Let’s do it, babe.”

As we climbed out of the car, everyone zipped up jackets and I watched Sydney put a hat on Claire’s head. I helped Matt get Olivia bundled up and we strapped her in the carrier that he was wearing. With her cheek against his chest, she calmed down and sucked on two fingers while her wide eyes looked around. It was silly, really, but every time I saw my big husband wear that eleven pound baby on his chest I wanted to rip his clothes off. It was unbelievably sexy. Matt loved wearing her, too. One of her favorite places to sleep was with her chest against his and he’d taken to wearing the carrier around the house just so she could.

Mom had left specific instructions on her interment. She’d originally met my father during a camping trip to Lake Tahoe. They were in college and the guys he had been with had set up camp next to her and her friends. Mom had thought he was the most obnoxious man on the planet at first, but by the end of the weekend they were inseparable. We’d camped up here many times throughout my life and the two of them had loved telling that story over and over. It was her final request that her ashes be scattered at Lake Tahoe where she and I had spread my father’s nine years ago. Sean had checked into the law for us and we had crossed into Nevada in order for it to be legal, but we were finally fulfilling her wish.

“Okay. I’m ready,” I said as we made it so the sand and I looked expectantly at Matt.

He gave me a half smile. “Your mom left me a letter.”

“A letter?” I asked as I frowned. “What?”

He nodded and pulled a worn piece of paper out of his back pocket. It looked like he had read it several times as he held it up.

“The lawyer gave it to me after she passed away. In my letter she expressed a lot of her love but also left me instructions. When you are ready to scatter her ashes, I’m supposed to give you this.” He turned and Sean handed Matt an envelope he had been carrying. The envelope very clearly had only one thing written on it. ‘Amanda.’

I looked at the envelope before meeting my husband’s eyes again. “What is it?”

“It’s from your mom, sweets.” He held it up for me and when I wouldn’t take it he took a step forward, lowering his voice to a whisper. “I haven’t read it, Manda, but I know your mom wouldn’t leave it unless it was a good thing.”

My hand shook slightly as I reached out and took the letter. Matt was right, of course, but I was finally to the point where I could think about Mom without crying. I was afraid this letter would undo that. I really wanted to read it, though, and I nodded before looking back at him.

“I’m going to go read it over here.”

“Okay. Let me know if you need me.” Matt leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss before I turned around.

I walked down the beach for a bit until I came to a cluster of huge rocks and climbed them. I sat on a big, flat boulder that faced the crystal blue lake and my hands shook as I held the loosely-sealed envelope up to look at. The handwritten name looked so familiar- the same handwriting that had filled my childhood- and I pulled the flap up on the envelope slowly. Before I unfolded the letter, I brought it to my nose and inhaled. It smelled like my mom. The same smell of roses and vanilla that I had grown up with caused the first tear to spill over my wet eyes. I unfolded the letter, my hands no longer just shaking but completely trembling, and I pulled my knees to my chest as I started to read.

My dearest Amanda,

I’m incredibly sad that you’re reading this right now, but at the same time I’m also deliriously happy. I had another one written, you know, before Olivia was born. I actually had written it while you were still in college and it had been almost a plea for you to live and love. I don’t have to tell you to do that now, though. You’re living and loving even beyond the ways I’d hoped. Oh, my sweet girl. You’ve always been a tenacious and fiery little thing, even when you were just Olivia’s age. Your dad had joked that we had somehow been given the most stubborn baby ever, but you knew when to give in.

Your dad, Amanda… He loved you with every fiber of his being. I had to basically peel you from his arms just so I could hold you and even then he’d steal you back. I think back to the moments when I’d stand in the doorway and watch him read you bedtime stories (And those same moments transformed all too soon when you’d be reading them to him instead.) Those moments were the ones where I wished time could stand still. You and Steven completed me in so many ways and looking at you now I can tell Olivia and Matt do the same for you.

When your father found out about the severity of the cancer, the first thing he had said to me was “Make sure she finds someone who is deserving of her love.” He would be very happy to know that you did that, Panda. In fact, I’m sure that he’d be overjoyed to see you with Matt. He always did respect that boy. Steven was always so proud of you and I know that he is bursting with pride right this moment, wherever he is.

I’ve watched you live your whole adult life dedicated to changing the world and I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll do just that. Just remember to put your world first. Kiss Olivia all of the time. Dance with Matt in the kitchen often. Have another baby. Tell them all you love them at least once a day. Spend the rest of your life creating memories that you can look back on and smile at. I am so lucky to have that and I want you to have that, too. But seeing you today? I know you will. I watched you tonight, Panda. You’ve built upon the home your father and I had bought and only increased the happiness it had held. I saw how you and Matt smiled at each other and the adoring looks that you’d both given Olivia. I also saw the hall closet where you’ve already started adding Olivia’s lines to where your dad had one placed yours.

I am sad to know that I won’t see her grow up and meet any brothers or sisters she may have. I know that she will grow up with the best parts of you and Matt. I am very thankful that I had the time with her I did. The times where I felt her kick from your stomach to the moments when I got to peer into those blue eyes- they are all treasured to me. Please tell her that Grandma loves her very much, okay?

So, instead of giving you the letter pleading with you to live and love, I am giving you this one. You’ve made me so proud and so incredibly happy, Amanda Paige.  Loving you and your father was the greatest thing I had ever done. I wish you every bit the same. You’ve been sad. I know that because I know you. Don’t cry tears of sadness for me anymore, sweetheart. If you have to cry, cry tears of happiness. I am in peace knowing that you are living such a wondrous life. I’d like to think that your dad and I are watching over you right this moment. We will always be with you in one way or another.

Take care of Matt, even when he doesn’t seem like he needs it. I loved watching him grow up into the man he is today and I know he will take care of you, too. He is the perfect son and I love him very much.

Live your life, Panda. Live like you love- fiercely, passionately, and entirely. Remember to be happy and that I will forever love you.

Love, Mom

The tears blurred the words as I attempted to carefully fold it back the way she had it. While I tucked it back into the envelope a small sob escaped my lips. Still clutching it in my fingers, I wrapped my arms around my knees and let my cheek rest on top of them. The brisk wind made my face feel like an ice cube where the tears streaked, but I didn’t care. I heard rustling behind me and I knew it was Matt before he had even sat behind me. His knees came up on either side of me and his arms covered my own until his big hands were lying flat over mine.

He didn’t say anything as he kissed the top of my head gently and we sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. When the tears had stopped and dried, I let out a heavy sigh.

“I miss her.”

Matt’s arms tightened around me. “Me too, sweets. We always will. We’ll keep her memory alive, though. Olivia will know so much about Grandma Karen that it will be like she never left. I promise.”

I turned my head to look at him and gave him a soft smile. “You’re right.”

We both moved to stand and Matt pulled me up by the hand, not letting go once I was on my feet. We maneuvered back through the trees until we were back at the beach where everyone else was. Sydney was doubled over with laughter and Maddie’s shoulders were shaking as she attempted to stifle her own. Sean let out his own laugh as he held up his phone, apparently snapping pictures. Claire was frowning at her dad, who was sitting in sand where the shallow water had pooled.

“What happened?” I asked as Matt burst out laughing when he saw his friend.

Sydney tried to speak but I couldn’t understand anything she said. It was Claire who finally clued me in.

“Daddy almost stepped on my rock collection and when I told him to be careful he fell.”

David had pulled himself out of the water and was attempting to brush wet sand from his soaked pants.

“Fuck, that’s cold.” He narrowed his eyes at Matt before glancing at me. “Claire made it sound like it was a bomb I was about to step on and I stumbled backwards.”

“I hope the rest of the police force is more graceful than you, Bradley,” Matt said still chuckling.

Sean shook his head. “Oh, his fall was very graceful.”

Josh appeared, Olivia bundled up in one of his arms. “Oh man. You couldn’t wait to fall until after I’d changed her diaper?”

Sydney’s laughter had almost subsided, but when David muttered another curse under his breath, she broke into another fit of giggles.

He glared at his fiancée. “You’re so lucky you’re pregnant or else you’d be soaking wet for laughing so hard.”

It just made her laugh harder and soon we had all joined in. Eventually, after it had all died down, I took Olivia from Josh. Her little eyelids were heavy as she blinked at me slowly. I kissed her cheek and tucked her to my chest.

It was so cold but everyone had braved the chilly temperatures for me. As I looked to all of my friends, I couldn’t help but smile. Maddie, who was thirty weeks pregnant, glowed as her husband pulled her to him and placed his hand on her round stomach. Sean swung Claire around until she was sitting on his shoulders, her happy squeal matching his joyful smile. David and Sydney stared at each other as he moved towards her, both of them communicating wordlessly. The passion between them still hadn’t ebbed- if anything, it had grown. Sydney was almost sixteen weeks pregnant, her tiny stomach just now starting to show.

I looked at my husband. Matt was in desperate need of a haircut, his dark blonde hair longer than it’d been in almost eight years, but he still could make my mouth water. We’d grown so close since we’d been together and we spent as much time loving each other as we possibly could. Olivia was gorgeous. Her hair had continued to darken, although it was still lighter than mine. Her eyes were nearly as bright as her father’s and she stole the heart of everyone she came in contact with. She was still very little, only eleven pounds at four months old and still wearing mostly newborn clothes, but her long legs said she’d be tall. She flourished under Linda’s care and I enjoyed watching as she did new things. Her happy squeals were something new that she’d started doing, and they were guaranteed to make anyone grin.

I smiled at my family before taking a deep breath. “Okay. I’m ready.”

Matt went back to the car and when he reappeared he was holding the urn that contained my mom’s ashes. We all stood close to where the water met the sand as Matt stepped forward. The water lapped over his shoes and I knew it had to be cold, but he didn’t flinch. I stared at him, rocking back at forth on my feet, and gave him a small smile. Matt returned it before clearing his throat.

“Karen Franklin,” he said as he removed the lid, handing it to Josh. “Karen was many things to many people- Wife, Mom, Grandma, and Friend. She was amazing in each roll but none more amazing than her role as Mom. I am so grateful that I am one of the few who gets to brag that she was my mother. Long before I had even married Amanda, Karen had treated me as a son. She and Steven always made me feel like family and I am honored to be a part of that. Now I am hopeful that they have found each other again in some way. I am forever grateful to Karen for every ounce of love she gave me, Amanda, and Olivia. I am thankful that she entrusted me to take care of the two most precious girls in her life. I miss her more than words can say but I know that she is whole and the war that she had so bravely fought with Alzheimer’s Disease is over.”