Scattered Ashes (8 page)

Chapter Five

“You’re awfully quiet,” Alyssa said as she lay in bed, an open book she paid no mind to propped in one hand.  Her long, blonde hair spilled down the front of her nightgown, and her face, freshly washed, shimmered in the soft florescent glow.

“It’s kind of been a long day,” Jordan said, sitting on the side of the bed to pull off his shoes and socks.  He drew his shirt over his head.  Not only did the air caress his bare skin, but he also felt Alyssa’s fingers gently stroking the center of his back with her fingernails.

“Is everything okay?” she asked softly, staring in hopes his dark eyes would meet her light blue ones.

“Sure,” he said, turning toward her.  “Why wouldn’t it be?”

He reached out and took her hand.

“I don’t know.  I just keep getting these weird vibes that seem to say something is off between us, and it worries me.”  She chewed her bottom lip nervously.

“You’re worried?”  Jordan kept a straight expression despite the discomfort he felt.  Although before the wedding Alyssa had been so distracted with all the details, now she seemed to pick up on the subtlest nuances of his every mood, and she could feel something amiss within him.  Hell,
he
could feel that same something rocking his world, but he wasn’t about to admit it was a problem.  It was a distraction, yes, but not one capable of real harm, of that he was sure.

Not knowing what else to do, he turned his body to face her and held his arms wide.  Smiling she fell into them so her head slipped beneath his chin as he wrapped his arms around her, drawing her ever more tightly to him.

He closed his eyes, willing himself not to think about Nicole but instead about the woman in his arms, the same one he’d promised to love forever.  He wanted to believe his feelings for Nicole had been just a test and that they would pass in time.  They had to.

“So what are you worried about?” he asked softly, kissing the top of her head.

“You just seem so distant, like even though we’re in the same room, you’re a million miles away.”

He laughed softly, but the amusement never touched his eyes.  “Alyssa, I’m right here.  With you.  How much closer can I get?”

She drew back slightly and studied his face.  “You think this is about physical distance, but it’s not.  You just seem to stay lost in your own little world, and sometimes I feel like you’re doing that because I can’t possibly reach you there.”

He brushed the hair from her eyes and caressed her cheek.  “There’re always a million things going on between work and school.  You know that.  There’s nothing to be worried about.  I promise.”

She gave him one last, long look before slowly falling into his arms again and resting there.  His hand crept up and down her back, and the feel of the silken nightgown caught his attention.

“Have I mentioned how good you look in red silk?”  His voice was deep and rough as desire suddenly overtook him.

“No,” Alyssa giggled.  “I really don’t think you have.”

Jordan leaned closer and brushed his lips across her throat.  “You definitely look good enough to eat.”  He slightly nipped her neck slightly.

Long after the two of them had made love and curled up for the night, Jordan lay in bed, still awake, watching moonlight filter in around the curtains.  The sound of crickets to filled his senses, and he looked at Alyssa, his hand resting on her shoulder as her body spooned against his.  In the moonlight, her hair appeared a dark gold, like wheat, as it slipped across her face, and her slow, steady breathing should have comforted him.  At one time, he would have thought this enough, that if every evening unfolded as this one had, he would be a lucky man.

Unable to take the stillness anymore, he eased himself from his wife’s embrace and stood.  The night air was warm against his bare chest, and he tugged on his boxers and pants before he slipped from the room, headed for the office. 

Raking his fingers through his hair, he slipped into his rolling chair.  Although two of his textbooks lay spread open on the desk, he wasn’t interested in doing the homework.  He’d do that later.  Instead, he turned on the computer and waited for it to warm up so he could surf the net.  He sorted through a few of sites before realizing that research, which had always been a sort of panacea for all kinds of worries, wasn’t going to help him sleep this time.

 He took a deep breath and let it out before leaning back in his chair and opening the desk drawer where he found the leaf and one of the cactus spines.  He knew there were strange things to keep, but in some ways he felt that if he hadn’t saved something from that weekend, it would have seemed only made up as his mind blurred the details, rather like the dreams he'd had in childhood.  Sometimes it seemed difficult to know which were real and which were created anymore.

Why did he keep coming back to Nicole?  It had only been a weekend PE class, for crying out loud.  He toyed with the cactus spine and closed his eyes.  Without warning, he found himself back in time.  He could feel her resting on his back as he carried her, laughing at his jokes.  He’d thought that by getting married he could diminish the memory, but it had remained with him, and he was beginning to doubt  anything would get rid of it.

No, he hadn’t told Nicole how good it had really been to hear from her when she'd called, but he’d thought it.  He twirled the spine in his hand, remembering the timbre of her voice.  There was something soothing and earthy about it.  Perhaps that was the problem.  Alyssa was a city girl, always had been and always would be.  He sensed  Nicole was something different, and that intrigued him beyond measure.

“What are you doing up?” 

He glanced up to find Alyssa in the doorway, her body leaning against the frame as she clutched it with both hands.

“Just having a little trouble winding down,” he said, casually dropping the leaf and spine into his drawer and then closing it.

Alyssa offered a sweet smile as she slowly eased into the room and walked to the back of his chair.  Setting her hands on his shoulders, she began a gentle massage.  “I think this is probably just what you need.”

He closed his eyes and savored the feel of her hands kneading his  muscles.  “Mmmm.  I think you might be right.”

“Why don’t you come back to bed with me?”

“Okay.”  He looked at the closed drawer and tried to push Nicole from his thoughts, telling himself yet again it was just a friendship the two had shared, nothing more.  As Alyssa stretched out her hand, he took it in his and eased himself from the chair.  Arm in arm, they exited the office and headed back toward the bedroom next where he lay on the cool cotton sheets and felt his wife gently curl up to him, her head tucked beneath his chin.

Smiling, he drew the covers over them both and let his eyes acclimate themselves to the darkness.  He tried to sleep, but once again, it refused to come.  What did come, however, was a small list of things he planned to get tomorrow to work on that camera.  he still wasn't sure he could fix it, but there wasn't any harm in trying it.

“Okay, I won’t be party to this moping you’re doing, Nic.  It’s just not working for me.”  Sarah stood before her with her hands on her hips. 

“Moping?” Nicole muttered, leaning back on the couch.  “I’m not moping.”

“Aren’t you?”  Sarah sat beside her on the couch.  “Your body might still live here, but it’s as if you’ve gone to wherever Jordan is.  And how long has it been since you’ve been on a date, anyway?”  She patted Nicole’s knee.

“Last month I went out with that stupid jock, Theo Watkins.  I think that was enough dating for a while.  He was all over me.”  She shuddered at the memory and knew that no matter what, every guy she tried to go out with, or even those she
thought
about going out with. were quickly compared to Jordan, and they always came up lacking.

“Okay, so you still hate jocks.  We both knew that.  Why don’t you pick another guy to unleash your devastating charm upon?  If you haven’t noticed they're all over the place, just waiting for your attention.”

Nicole shrugged and looked out the window where a robin sat in the tree.  “I’m not into it right now.”

Sarah quickly stood and threw up her hands.  “You see?  That’s the exact answer I suspected. Now if Jordan were here, I can damn well believe you’d be wanting to go out with him in no time, right?”

The bird flew away, forcing Nicole to pay attention to her best friend.  “Why do you keep bringing up Jordan?”

“Because he’s here no matter what we say or don’t.  We might as well acknowledge that he’s the invisible elephant in the room.”  Sarah folded her arms across her chest.  “There was a time you never thought you’d fall in love.  Now look at you.”

Nicole felt her cheeks getting hot and forced herself to get up and carry her glass into the kitchen, where she filled it with more water.  “I’m not in
love
with Jordan Carroway.  I barely
know
him.”

“You know enough.  Let’s at least be honest about that, Nic.”

Nicole took a drink and turned to Sarah.  “You're obsessed with this.”

“I’m obsessed?”  Sarah touched her finger to her chest.  “I’m obsessed.  I don’t think so.  You’re the one who's always thinking about him.  It doesn’t matter what you say.  I know you, and I know exactly where you're going with this.  You fell in love, and you’re not willing to admit it.  I’d give anything to know if it happened to him, too."

Nicole took a sip.  “He was already in love.  It just wasn’t with me.  And he’s married, by the way.”

Sarah grabbed Nicole by the shoulders and shook her.  “That may well be, but you
aren’t
.  You’re alive and breathing in a world with guys who would probably love to go out with you, and you’re oblivious, so we’re going to fix that.”  She pulled her hands back and turned abruptly.

Not liking the ominous way that sounded, Nicole frowned.  “And what exactly did you have in mind, Sarah?”

“Something that's is going to take all weekend, and because I’m your best friend, I don’t want to hear any arguments.”  She started to walk away, but Nicole grabbed her arm.

“Sarah, I’m not going out on any blind dates.  I know what your tastes in guys are, and, well, no thanks.  I can make my own mistakes whenever I feel like it.”

“Funny, Nic.”  Sarah shook her head.  “This weekend won’t involve any blind dates.  I can promise you that, but don’t push for anything more.  Consider it an early birthday present.”  She touched the doorway.

“My last birthday involved massive amounts of alcohol and lots of strangers.  Did I mention I hated that party?”  Nicole sat at the table and glared at her best friend.  “Are you insane?”

“Certifiable.  Then again, you already knew that.”

Nicole glared at Sarah’s diminishing backside and pulled out her cell.  For a couple of moments, she just stared at the dark screen, her fingers hovering over the buttons as she saw her reflection in the glass.  She wanted to argue with Sarah, but something inside her knew better.  Her best friend knew her too well, and she would win this fight because no matter how much she wanted to deny having feelings for Jordan, she knew it wouldn’t feel like this if he were just a friend.  That definitely caused just a few problems because he wasn’t exactly someone she could ever date, no matter how much she might like him.

Besides, even if Sarah’s idea of a good time didn’t match hers, she did have to admit that it had been a while since they’d really done something fun together.  Lately it had pretty much been about academics.  That tended to happen with the senior year at college.  Sarah might just as well bring on the mischief for her to enjoy.  Telling her no wouldn’t do any good, and maybe a little distraction was in order.

Still, maybe it wouldn’t hurt, she thought and dialed Jordan’s number.  The phone rang twice before she heard him answer, his voice resonating deeply within her, bringing back memories of the day they’d met.  She might even have said something, but in the background she distinctly heard a woman speaking to someone.  Inhaling sharply, she snapped the phone shut and slid it onto the table.