Scattering Like Light (26 page)

As we finally approached the end of the motorway she asked, “Are you going straight into town now to tell them your decision?”  

I nodded. “Yes, I think I have to. You’re right; it’s cruel to wait. I have to let them know that I’ll help, and we have to work out how and where we’re going to do it.”  

“Will you talk to Veronica?”  

“I’ll call her later. I want to tell Callum first, and he can then tell the others. Most of them will remember her well, it seems. Callum and Catherine are the only ones who became Dirges after she’d escaped.”  

“So you’re not going to do it today?” Grace let the question hang in the air.

I shook my head, the tears welling up instantly again. “Not today. I need a little more time.”

“OK, well, I’ll drive you to the station in Kew, then you can jump on the Tube.”

“Are you sure that’s all right?”

“Not a problem, and definitely not now that it’s stopped raining.” She flashed a quick smile at me. We had driven through the weather front and the scenery around us looked washed clean as the sun started breaking through the clouds. She carefully negotiated the huge roundabout at the junction of the motorway and set off towards Kew. It was still well before the afternoon rush hour, so the roads were moderately quiet, and before long she was pulling on to the station forecourt.

“Thank you so much, Grace,” I started with a catch in my voice. “I don’t know how I would have managed this without you.”

“Any time.” She gave me a quick squeeze. “Call me later, yes? Give me an update? I’m going to be at home packing for tomorrow so you can reach me any time.”

“OK.” I held her tight for a moment, then quickly got out of the car before she could see the tears on my cheeks.

I walked into the station looking around for somewhere quiet where I could sit and call Callum. I had to tell him my decision, but putting it into words would make the whole thing real, irreversible, an admission of defeat. So as a Tube train pulled in I got on it immediately, telling myself that I’d have more time with Callum later. But I knew it was a cowardly decision, and I knew that I had to be strong. I nipped back off the train just as the doors were closing and made my way to the quietest bench on the platform.

Taking a deep breath I called his name as I groped around
in my bag for my earphones. Within moments the welcome tingle was there in my wrist, a tingle that I wasn’t going to feel many more times, I realised.

“You’re back. I’ve missed you.” His voice was warm and welcoming, and so full of love that I couldn’t speak. His touch was gentle on my hair. “Did it not go to plan?”

I shook my head as I tried to set up the little mirror. “I’m so sorry, Callum, for a while I thought it was going to be OK, that I was going to be able to make you all alive again, but it all went horribly wrong.”

“Shh, calm down. Take a deep breath and try to explain that again. It didn’t make much sense to me.”

Quickly, I told him everything. In a few short sentences I destroyed all our hopes.

Callum was silent, staring unseeing down the tracks. “I’m so sorry,” I continued. “I wanted to save you all, but I can’t.”

He gave a slightly crooked smile that didn’t quite reach the deep pools of his eyes. “You
can
save us, Alex. You can let us all die.”

“I know.” I looked at his trusting face and I knew what was right. “And I will.”

I felt the almost imperceptible touch of his arms tighten around me. “Thank you,” he whispered as he gently kissed my hair, the look of love in his eyes almost overwhelming in its intensity. I tried hard but the tears brimmed over, dripping hot and wet on to my hands as they lay in my lap. “I can feel that,” said Callum. “You’re crying on me. I’ve never felt that before.” He paused for a second then continued. “You’ve given me everything, Alex; don’t be sad. This is a happy ending, it’s just not the one we’d hoped for.” I could tell he was trying to make me feel better, but I knew that nothing was ever going to feel the same again. I had just agreed to
the mercy killing of someone I loved with all my heart.

Another Tube train arrived and left as I sat slumped on the bench, defeated. Catherine had won; she had got what she wanted and ruined my life. Callum stayed with me, gently stroking my hair, murmuring things that he thought might comfort me. I registered nothing; I was numb, knowing what I was going to have to do. Finally, as another train approached, Callum made me listen. “Come on, Alex, get on the train and come up to St Paul’s. I need to hold you properly. I can’t bear to see you like this.”

I looked into the mirror, taking the opportunity to drink him in while I could. “OK,” I said eventually. “We need to talk to the others anyway, to let them know what the plan is. Do you want to go ahead and talk to Matthew first? Then when I get there I can talk to everyone. There may be some who need a bit of persuasion.”

He snorted. “I don’t think so! They’ll all be delighted.”

“You should find Olivia then, and talk to her. I know that she’s really worried about all the rumours flying around.” I had to raise my voice to be heard as the Tube train screeched to a halt alongside me. I snapped the mirror shut and stood up.

Callum sighed. “Come on, get on the train. I’ll go and talk to her and Matthew before you get to the cathedral. I’ll see you in an hour or so, OK? I love you.”

He had walked with me as I got on to the train, and as I replied the tingle abruptly went from my wrist as the train lurched forward. “I love you too,” I whispered into the silence.

I hunched down in one of the seats, ignoring all the other passengers and trying not to cry. I couldn’t be crying as I talked to the Dirges; I really had to get a grip. It was also going to be one of the last times I saw Callum at the top of the dome. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that it was
the
last time I would hold him,
but there weren’t going to be many more. I rubbed my hands over my face and pulled my bag into my lap. Luckily I still had a pack of wet wipes in there from my dog-walking duties, so I wiped my face clean of the salty streaks that the tears had left, then rummaged to see what make-up I had with me. It was a pretty poor selection: just an old mascara and the stub of a lipstick. My face in the mirror was tired and drawn. I had to do better than that.

I looked at the time and then at the Tube map up on the wall of the carriage. I could get off slightly earlier and buy some concealer, and still make it there before the last entry time. I was on the District Line, so getting off at Blackfriars would be perfect. There was bound to be a chemist’s or something near there. It was then only a five-minute walk up the hill to St Paul’s.

With my plan settled I sat back and tried not to think. Thinking wasn’t helpful; I just had to work on instinct. I tried to distract myself with watching the scenery but within minutes the train had plunged underground. I started thinking about how I was going to be feeling on that trip back, when everything was over, when the one I loved was gone. Before I realised it I was imagining Max comforting me; having him hold me tight while I mourned for Callum. It was only for a second but I was horrified with myself. How could I be that callous? Was it because I secretly wanted Max? Was my subconscious telling me what I needed to do? I put my head in my hands and gazed unseeingly at the worn floor while I tried to examine my motives.

No, I decided, sitting up straight. I was positive I was going to release the Dirges for the right reasons, not to make my life more convenient. It was a momentary daydream, nothing more.

I picked up a discarded newspaper to try and get the images out of my head by reading about the latest celebrities, but it was a
waste of time. The news stories weren’t much help either. Reading about various disasters around the world was also hopeless. I couldn’t help comparing the disasters with the one I was about to create, when two or three hundred people appeared dead in the Thames. What would the headlines be on the papers after that? Or would they cover it all up? No one would be able to explain what had happened so it might be easier to pretend that it hadn’t.

I was so wrapped up in that train of thought I nearly missed the announcement that came over the intercom.

“Due to a passenger under a train further up the line this train will be terminating at Temple. All change at Temple.”

There was an immediate wave of irritation from the other passengers; lots of tutting and heavy sighs, and every aura turned red or purple. I looked up at the map: Temple was only one stop short of Blackfriars and I knew that I would be able to walk along the Embankment really easily. I would just have to walk quickly.

As the train pulled in I made sure I was at the door ready to beat the rush up the steps and into the daylight, and thankfully the stairs were right next to the carriage I had been in. I was outside in a matter of minutes, walking quickly along the busy road that followed the north bank of the Thames. The rain here had only recently stopped so the pavements were still slick and I could see that the river was at high tide. The grey seawater was rolling and swirling as it fought its way upstream against all the rainwater coming in the opposite direction. I shivered at the thought of being thrown into it, even on a summer’s day.

I was trying not to think about being in the river when I nearly walked into a couple coming out of an ornate gateway. Glancing through the railings next to it I could see a beautiful garden, which was lovely but not very helpful in my search for
a shop that sold make-up. I tried to edge past the pair, who were having a fairly animated discussion while walking slowly – too slowly. I needed to go faster as I couldn’t afford to miss the cut-off time for getting up to the top of the dome. I was so wrapped up in my problems it took a few minutes to place the voice.

“Look, if that’s what they say is the deal, then that’s what you’re going to have to live with. Dad always said that there’s no point in trying to argue with lawyers.”

I was so surprised I stopped dead, then had to run a couple of steps to catch them up again. I didn’t understand how it could be possible. He was talking again as I got back in earshot.

“Well, you haven’t exactly helped yourself, have you? This can’t be a surprise.” His red aura matched his exasperated tone.

“You would say that,” spat the young woman, her deep-red aura suddenly morphing into a livid purple shade. “None of you care what’s happening to me!”

“Catherine, that’s not true, and you know it.” A phone suddenly went off and he pulled a handset from his pocket. “Crap. I’ve got to take this – I won’t be a second. There are some benches over there. Hi, yes, we’ve just finished…” Callum turned around, phone pressed to his ear, and glanced past me. My mouth fell open as I watched him ignore me completely and move away to continue his conversation. I couldn’t believe it. Veronica must have persuaded Catherine after all and the two of them had come up with some sort of magnificent rescue plan while I had been travelling back from Cornwall. The shock and surprise was being overtaken by joy. I couldn’t wait to speak to him.

“Callum?” I ventured carefully, touching him on the arm in wonder. A real arm, attached to a real, living, breathing person.

He turned around, a small frown of irritation on his
forehead. “Hang on a sec, someone wants me,” he said into the phone. “Can I help you?” His stunning blue eyes met mine without a hint of recognition.

“Callum?” I repeated, unable to keep the grin off my face or my hands off his arm. “You made it! How on earth—”

He stepped back ever so slightly, forcing me to let go. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” His face had a look of polite bewilderment; he had no idea who I was.

“I … I’m sorry, I think we have met, but maybe you don’t remember.”

“OK, well, it’s good to see you but I’m on the phone right now. Some other time?” He lifted the receiver away from his ear to make his point, flashed a brief smile and turned away to continue his conversation. “Hi, sorry about that, OK, so what we agreed was…”

I backed away, a feeling of cold dread seeping through my body. Whatever Veronica and Catherine had done, however they had managed this, he had absolutely no memory of me whatsoever. For a moment I stood and watched him, taking in the strength of his shoulders, the sunlight on his hair, the way he used his free hand to punctuate whatever it was he was talking about on the phone, and the feeling of loss was almost overwhelming. Here was everything I wanted, everything I had hoped for, but he had forgotten all about me.

I turned away blindly, not knowing what to do next. I didn’t want to leave him, but to him I was a passing stranger. As I looked up I saw a familiar figure on the other side of the road. Catherine had crossed over and was walking slowly up towards the bridge. She would have the answers.

Dodging the traffic I made it to the far side, but by then she
was some way ahead. She wasn’t hard to spot, though; the purple mist that she wore like a cloak was as obvious to me as a flashing light on her head. I had never seen anyone so depressed. When I finally caught up with her she was about to go up the steps on to the bridge itself.

“Catherine, hang on, talk to me!”

She turned around slowly, and her green eyes settled on me like a laser. Her aura pulsed with red but she stayed silent.

I held on to the railings, getting my breath back. “You do walk fast when you want to,” I said with a smile, determined to be friendly. Whatever she had done before, she had come back and helped to save Callum. “How did you get here so quickly?”

She looked down her nose at me, obviously annoyed. “What?” she snapped. “What are you talking about?”

“Look, there’s no need to be like that, truly.” I smiled again, but more hesitantly. “It was a great thing you did for Callum. Thank you.”

“Callum!” she exploded. “Has he put you up to this?”

“No, hang on, no one has put me up to anything. I just wanted to say thank you. I wish it had made you a little happier.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that we can help you. There’s no need to be so depressed.” The look she gave me was one of pure hatred, and the purple mist became alarmingly dark. I tried again. “Look, it’s obvious to me how you feel. I do want to help, whatever you think. You’ve been given another chance and you need to learn how to be happy. Please don’t think about jumping again.”