Sea Air (24 page)

“Mother!”

But there was no stopping her. “Nele works, too. But I’m not really sure what she does. She still hasn’t explained it to me.”

“Oh, Nele’s work is quite interesting and varied,” Mathis said. “In fact, we’re working together on a project—”

“So,” my mother interrupted, “how old are you?”

“Mother.”

“Sixty.”

“Really? Nele’s father is sixty-three. He’s not doing so well these days. You know . . . the sciatica. Well, he’s at that age.”

“Mother, age is completely beside the point!” The moment she’d appeared in the doorway, I’d known her visit would be a disaster. Disasters followed my mother wherever she went. I hoped she’d be leaving soon.

Paula came into the living room, her face looking flushed. “Momma, we want to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. We already drew straws and figured out who’s first and second and stuff.”

“That’s great, Paula,” said Mathis. “Do you mind if I help? Pin the Tail on the Donkey is my favorite game.” He seized at the chance to escape my mother’s clutches.

This offer earned him a big smile from my daughter. “Of course! You can spin us around or tie the blindfold. That’s totally hard but I think you can do it.”

“I’ll give it my best shot.” Mathis disappeared in a flash into Paula’s room where the games were set up. I got up and went into the kitchen to retrieve the candy I’d hidden inside a pot. When I came back to Paula’s room, I heard my mother saying, “You shouldn’t be sitting there on the bare floor. At your age, you’ll catch your death of cold in no time.”

“Mother, I really think you should go now. This is all a bit of a strain for you.” I picked up her purse to show her I was serious.

“But—”

“No buts!” I yelled. Several kids jumped ever so slightly. “Everything’s fine. Nothing to see here!” I said, feigning cheerfulness. “You all know, right, that Paula’s grandma doesn’t hear so well?”

“Like mine.” Benedikt nodded knowingly.

Looking offended, my mother grabbed her bag, patted Paula’s head, and swept dramatically toward the front door as I followed.

“Good-bye, Mrs. Martens,” Mathis called from Paula’s room. “Nice to meet you.”

But my mother seemed to have no desire to respond. She jerked the front door open, and the next disaster appeared on my doorstep. Just as my mother took her first step across the doorstep, my ex passed her on his way in. He carried a package tucked under his arm.

“It can’t be . . .” My mother squealed with delight and opened her arms wide. “It is! It’s our Steffen!” Before Steffen could move to defend himself, she’d pressed him up against her maternal breast.

“Hello, Mrs. Martens, it’s been a long time. How are you? It looks like you’re getting younger every day!” Steffen beamed at my mother but gave me a sly wink.
That son of a bitch,
I thought. The truth was, my eccentric mother always got on his nerves at least as much as she did mine. But he knew how to turn on the charm, and she was, of course, completely enchanted.

“Oh, Steffen, you’re so bad!” She gave a shrill laugh, whispered something in his ear and then—with a last, meaningful look at me—finally went on her way.

“What do you want now?” I snapped at Steffen.

“To visit Paula,” he said. “I was looking over the calendar today, and I realized—”

“Right now is not a good time, Steffen.”

“Don’t make such a big deal out of it.” Steffen laughed and took my arm. To my annoyance, I let down my guard for a moment. He just smelled so good, and he looked incredible! By the time I’d collected myself, Steffen had already disappeared into the apartment. Anywhere but in Paula’s room! I thought. What if Mathis saw him?

“Now, the real fun’s going to start,” Mathis said just as I walked in, and I thought,
isn’t that the truth?
A blindfolded little girl started to shriek with delight as he spun her around. When Mathis turned, he found himself looking Steffen straight in the eye—and lost all composure.

I cleared my throat. “Steffen has showed up unexpectedly. He wasn’t invited.”

Mathis and Steffen nodded to each other.

“Steffen?” Paula broke the awkward silence with a scream of jubilation and leaped into Steffen’s arms, just as she’d done with Mathis. “You remembered my birthday!”

“Hello, sunshine. You know I’d never forget you. Here.” He pressed a package into her hand. “This is for you. I think you’ve wanted it for a long time.”

I stood by as if in a trance, while a beaming Paula ripped the gift open.

“A Playmobil horse farm!” she shouted. “Awesome!” She squeezed Steffen tightly, her face radiant.

“Glad you like it, Paula,” Steffen beamed. I thought I saw him throw a triumphant glance at Mathis, but I wasn’t entirely sure. He walked back into the living room and I followed.

“Thanks for coming, Steffen, but we’re really busy, so you need to go now.” I spoke with certainty, pushing him toward the door.

“Is that your new boyfriend?” Steffen nodded in Mathis’s direction.

“Would you please go?”

“I get it,” he said with a grin.

“Great.
Good-bye
, Steffen.”

Before I realized what he intended, Steffen kissed me on the cheek. Then he turned and left. Relieved, I leaned back against the door for a while, then I suddenly realized why Steffen had grinned like that.
Damn it,
I thought. Why hadn’t I just said, “Yes, I’m with Mathis now, and I love him”? But no, I had stayed silent because I’d felt embarrassed. What an idiot I was! I slunk back into the living room.

“I’m really sorry, Mathis—” I said, trying to explain. But Mathis waved me off.

“It’s okay, Nele, I could tell that it was a surprise for you, too. I could see it in your face.” Mathis gave me a crooked little smile.

“I—”

“Nele, it’s really okay. It’s over. Let’s talk about something else.”

I nodded weakly.

“Your mother’s quite lovely.” Mathis grinned.

“I’m really sorry, Mathis. I’m sorry to say, she’s always like that.”

“It’s a good thing I didn’t fall in love with her then. I hear she’s much closer to my age than you are.”

“You’re crazy!” I gave him a gentle smack on the back of his head.

For the first time, it struck me that Mathis and my parents really did belong to the same generation. I could hardly believe it. All joking aside, though, I figured my mother’s attacks and Steffen’s unexpected appearance had shaken Mathis up more than he was letting on.

Before long, the party was over, and all the parents came and took their kids home, taking the chaos of the day with them. Paula drifted off to sleep with her new teddy bear from Mathis and her old teddy, Balthazar. As we enjoyed the last of our dinner Mathis returned to an old refrain.

“You know, your mother was right.”

“What are you talking about? Mother’s never right.”

“I’m too old for you.”

“You can’t really believe this garbage?”

“It’s not garbage, Nele. I am a whole generation older than you. I could be your father.”

“Mathis, we’ve talked about all this. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Why do you keep bringing it up?” I silently vowed to drown my mother in her garden pond the first chance I got.

“Nele, we can’t just ignore the facts.”

“Yes, we can. Do you really think this age difference is somehow hurting our relationship? I certainly don’t. Everything’s perfect.”

“But in twenty years? Nele, I have a son who’s almost as old as you.”

“Yes, but what’s the real problem? You’ve tried before to convince me that you’re worried about the future. But you’re not worried about our ages, are you? You’re worried about your personal freedom. Well, you don’t need to be. I’ll never stop you from doing whatever you want or need to do. You can go when you think the time is right.”

Mathis pushed away his half-eaten dinner, retrieved a bottle of red wine from the shelf, and poured two glasses.

“It’s not that easy, my love. I tried far too long to live without you, and you know that didn’t work. I love you so much, Nele. I could never be without you.”

If this declaration of love had come at a different time and place, I would have been thrilled. But as things were, it left a bitter taste in my mouth. Mathis felt that I’d robbed him of his freedom—wasn’t that what his complaining meant?

“So what am I supposed to do? Send you away, so that you have your freedom without feeling guilty about leaving?”

“Oh, Nele, that isn’t what I meant. Look . . . come here!”

He abruptly pulled me across his lap, ignoring the fact that I held a glass of red wine in my hand—an act that ended with a huge stain emblazoned across his shirt.

“Uh-oh. Better put some salt on that,” I said with some alarm. I retrieved some from the kitchen and rubbed it into his shirt.

“You need to understand—” Mathis started again.

But I didn’t find out what I needed to understand, nor did I get the wine stain out of his shirt, because at just that moment the phone rang. A few minutes later, we’d dropped off the baby monitor next door so a neighbor could listen for Paula, and we were on the way to the hospital.

A
s I gazed at the tiny person sleeping so peacefully in her mother’s arms, I felt myself growing emotional.

“My God, she’s so sweet!” I said. Had anyone ever seen anything so tiny and helpless?

“Isn’t she? She’s like a little princess—my little princess!” Full of fatherly pride, Marco held his daughter’s tiny hand.

“Does she have a name yet?” She had to have exactly the right name.

“Well, our son’s name is Tristan, so it only made sense to call our daughter—”

I had a bad feeling. “It’s not Isolde. Is it?” I asked, a bit upset at the thought of that tragic love story being used as inspiration for the baby’s name. Ines laughed at the sight of my indignant face. “Don’t worry, Nele. I already ruled that one out.”

“Then what—?”

“Tristan is the name of a heroic legend, and so is Helen. I think it suits her perfectly.” Helen let out something that sounded like a series of approving chuckles, as if she agreed.

“Where’s Sandra?” I suddenly noticed she wasn’t there.

“She’s on the road, and Christoph is home with Anneke.” Marco stared at the giant red spot on Mathis’s shirt. “What’s that? Did Nele try to stab you? I’ve tried to warn you, Mathis, women are capable of anything. You just wouldn’t listen to me.”

“Don’t be silly. If I ever stab someone, it’s going to be you.” I gave a hearty yawn as a wave of exhaustion swept over me. “Don’t be mad, but I’ve got to get home to bed. Paula’s birthday was exhausting and . . .”

“That’s right, Paula’s birthday was today,” said Ines. “I forgot as soon as I—oh, wait a minute, that means our daughters have the same birthday!” She beamed at this realization.

Later, as we were climbing back in the car to go home, Mathis said, “You looked pretty smitten with that baby, Nele.”

“Yes, I was.”

“I could tell. Are you sure you don’t want more children? I mean, you’re still young enough—”

“Mathis, seriously, what is going on with you today? First, you start ranting about our ages, just because my mother was her usual weird self, and now you’re obsessing about a baby. Is something wrong?”

“No, it’s just . . . I’ve just been thinking. Sometimes, I think I keep you from having a real life. I guess I’m afraid you’re giving up a lot of opportunities by associating with me.”

“By associating with me,” I said, copying his tone exactly. “Look, I do believe I have a real life with you, Mathis. I’m a grown-up, independent woman, and I make my own decisions. Don’t you get that? Nobody gets to decide for me how I should live my life. I’ve made a decision to be with you, and that’s that. Now, please stop arguing with me about age differences and having kids. I don’t want to hear about it anymore.” I was working myself up, so I made myself calm down. Mathis could have said something then, but he glared stubbornly straight ahead and didn’t say a word. I swallowed hard. Something was going on, but whatever was occupying his mind, he wasn’t about to share it with me. Was he still thinking about Steffen? I wondered. I really had no idea. But one thing was sure: Mathis was hiding something, and that made me nervous. I’d already lost Mathis once before, and I got the uneasy feeling that it could happen again.

“I love you, Mathis,” I said in a soft voice, almost to myself. Mathis just squeezed my hand.

My uneasy feeling still hadn’t left me by Monday. On Friday evening, Mathis had driven me home, and after I’d given him a good night kiss, all he’d said as he left was, “Sleep well.” Despite being exhausted, I didn’t close my eyes until the wee hours of the morning. To make matters worse, I had an erotic dream that night. Everything about it was wonderful—except for the fact that it wasn’t about Mathis, but Steffen.

I woke up before my alarm went off, feeling horrible. I would’ve preferred to curl up on the sofa and mope, but Paula wanted to go see baby Helen. “It’s good luck that she and I have the same birthday,” she said. So we met up with Sandra and Anneke and rode with them to the hospital.

I tried not to say anything about my worries, but Sandra had already figured out something was wrong. I told her about my fears concerning Mathis, but I decided to keep my erotic dream about Steffen to myself. Sandra said the only thing she could: that I should just wait things out, and that it would probably all turn out to be a silly misunderstanding. Of course, none of that reassured me. Deep inside, I knew something was up with Mathis, especially since I hadn’t heard from him the entire weekend.

I had just decided to plunge myself into my work and catch up on some old, unfinished business, when the telephone rang. I picked it up quickly, hoping that it was finally Mathis calling me.

“Please hold for the mayor, Nele.”

Hmm
, I thought. “Okay, thanks.”

“Good morning, Ms. Martens. I hope I’m not disturbing you. I tried to call Dr. Hagena, but he wasn’t available.” When I didn’t respond, he went on, “I wanted to let you know that my fellow stockholders and I have given quite a bit of thought to the future of Mr. Wiegandt’s employment company.”

“And?” I was instantly wide awake. Two weeks had passed since our meeting with the mayor, and we’d all given up hope.

“You’ll be happy to hear that we’ve decided to postpone our decision about shutting it down.”

“Oh, I’m so pleased to hear that now but—”

“When did you say that the funding grant would be awarded?”

“The end of August, I think. Unless something changes.”

“So let’s say we’ll make a decision around the middle of September, at the earliest. Unless,” the mayor gave a gurgling sort of laugh, “the government fails to meet their deadline, but that never happens, does it?” I could tell from his laugh that he was delighted with his own little joke. I chimed in with my own laughter. A lot depended on keeping him in a good mood.

“You’re so right, Mr. Mayor.”

“How much did the application ask for?”

“Six million.”

“Six million. And what would the city’s contribution be?”

“One million.”

“That’s what I thought. Good. Well, I’m sure we’ll talk again soon. You’ll be sure to call as soon as you hear the result?”

“You’ll be the first to know.”

“Good. Have a wonderful day, Ms. Martens.”

“You, too, Mr. Mayor. And thanks!”

I hung up and took a deep breath. A reprieve! Who would have thought it? I went to Marco’s office and shared the good news. He looked relieved, too.

“Okay, you can tell Mathis and I’ll call Christoph. They’re going to be thrilled!”

“No,” I said. “You call them both.”

“Uh-oh! Trouble in paradise?”

“Not exactly. It’s just—a feeling.”

“
Hmm
. Okay then.” Marco studied me carefully but didn’t ask any questions.

I turned and left the office.

Mathis hadn’t called all day so to distract myself I drove over to Ines’s in the late afternoon. She and the baby were both doing great.

“So,” asked Ines, as she laid Helen on her breast to nurse. “How about it? Are you ready to have another baby?”

“Oh, no, Ines. Not you, too!” I moaned.

“Why? Is somebody pushing you? Mathis maybe?”

“Absolutely not,” I said more emphatically than I’d intended. Ines furrowed her brow.

“Is everything okay with you two?”

“Yes, of course. Well . . . I don’t know really. Something’s going on with Mathis, but I can’t figure out what it is.”

“He’s a man.”

“Excuse me?”

“Men like ours don’t talk about their feelings. Every once in a while, Marco goes crazy, too, and when I ask him about it, he just grunts.”

“No, Ines, that’s not it. This has something to do with our relationship. I’m afraid Mathis thinks he made the wrong decision about us. I think he’s feeling trapped—too much family all at once, or something like that.”

“He loves you, Nele. Even a blind man could see that.”

“I think that’s the problem. He loves me and he wants to stay with me, and at the same time, part of him would rather leave. His longing to travel and his need to be free are gnawing at him.”

“There’s only one solution.”

“Which is?”

“That he goes away and takes you with him.”

“I wish it were that easy.”

“So what keeps you both here?”

“That’s a good question. I don’t think he wants to leave his children.”

“They’re almost grown now though.”

“Almost, but not quite.”

“Tell me, Nele, doesn’t it bother you that you have to share him? I don’t mean with his children—okay, maybe them, too, a little bit. But I mean his wife. He still lives with her. I don’t know if I could do that.”

“I’m trying to come to terms with it. What choice do I have?”

“Don’t you think he’d move in with you, if you asked?”

“No. Not as long as his kids live at home.”

“Wow. That’s hard. And you think this is part of what he’s struggling with. My God! Compared to you guys, Marco and I have a boring relationship.”

“Be thankful. I could use a little more boredom.”

“Does his wife really know about you?”

“He said he told her.”

“Then I think you can believe him. Playing games isn’t Mathis’s thing. Besides, half the city already knows, so how could she not? What’s amazing is that she goes along with it.”

“I don’t know that I’d call it amazing.” Ines gave me a quizzical look, and I explained what Mathis told me about his unique marital arrangement: that they hadn’t married for love and that he’d only wanted to prove to himself that he could settle down and be stable.

“If that’s all true, then I don’t understand why a separation would be so hard for him.” Ines shook her head.

“It seems pretty simple. Usually when two married people fall out of love, people understand that feelings can run their course and expect them to separate. But if it wasn’t love to begin with, people will feel like a man can’t leave this special arrangement for another party—especially if kids are involved. They’ll say he knew from the beginning what he was getting into, and he’ll end up looking like a jerk and having a terribly guilty conscience on top of it all.”

“
Hmm.
I suppose that’s not
totally
illogical.” Ines laid baby Helen in her cradle, and the baby cooed with satisfaction.

“No, and I think this is the situation Mathis finds himself in now. I also think that if he moves out and feels disgraced, he’s going to want to move away from this city.”

We sat silently, deep in thought, until we heard a key in the door.

“Sounds like Marco and Tristan are back from the barber.”

We hardly noticed Marco when he came in, but Tristan had gotten a very adorable short haircut. He ran right to the cradle and peeped in.

“Well, Tristan, how do you like your new sister?” I asked.

“
Hmm
.” He seemed to think it over. “She always poops and she can’t play,” he said, “but Momma says she has to stay.”

“I see. Well, we can’t do anything about that.”

“No.” Tristan tugged a little on Helen’s blanket. When she didn’t respond, he ran out of the room.

I said my good-byes shortly after that, so I could get home before Paula’s horseback riding lesson was over. Just my luck: the road was closed. All around me, cars sat in long lines at traffic lights. I hoped Paula would think to get a ride home with Anneke. Cursing, I looked at my watch. I shouldn’t have stayed so long at Ines’s.

But I needn’t have worried. When I turned onto our street fifteen minutes later, Paula was playing in the front yard and she wasn’t alone. Mathis was with her. My heart started to flutter and all my frustration fell away at the sight of him. By the time I’d found a parking place, Paula and Mathis were already walking in my direction.

“I was playing tag with Mathis, Momma!” called Paula.

“That’s great, sweetheart.” I gave her a kiss. “Sorry I’m so late, but I was on my way back from Ines’s, and all hell broke loose with the road closure.”

“How are Ines and the new arrival?” Mathis gave me an extra-tender kiss on the mouth. My heart leaped again.

“They’re great. They’re all settling in together nicely.”

“Is the baby still really little, Momma?”

“Of course. It’ll be a long time before she’s as big as you are.”

“By then, I’ll already be grown up.”

I thought about this. “Yes . . . well, you’ll be
almost
grown up.” I didn’t like this idea at all.

Mathis noticed me stumbling on my words. “That’s right, my love. Kids grow up in a flash, and before you know it, they’re already out of the house.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

As we walked in, Mathis hurried off to the kitchen. “I’ll make us something delicious.” I heard him knocking pots and plates about and shook my head. It appeared that I’d been worried about nothing. Mathis seemed to be in fine spirits.

“Can Anneke sleep over, Momma?” Paula bounced in front of me, her detective case in hand.

“What’s the occasion?”

“We want to play detective, which we haven’t ever done, and today it’s superpretty out, and we don’t have to be stuck inside.”

“Why would Anneke want to sleep over?”

“Momma, don’t be silly.” Paula tapped her finger on her forehead, a gesture I decided to ignore. “If we find out too much we might get followed. It’s better to work in twos, right?”

“That’s true, of course. All right then, run over quickly and ask if she can come. And if she can, please let me know right away.” Paula ran off. “And Paula, dinner is at eight.” I called after her, just before the door slammed shut.

I went to the kitchen to join Mathis, who stood at the stove wearing a cook’s apron, the strings tied in front, around his stomach.
Very sexy
, I thought. I snuck up quietly behind him and slid my hands under his shirt until they were wrapped around his little paunch.

“Is that a gentle hint that I need to lose weight?” He continued to stir the fragrant sauce.

“It’s just a gentle hint that we haven’t had sex in a long time.” My hand wandered deeper and Mathis groaned.

“Don’t tell me we have to do
that
again!” he teased. “You’re stressing me out.”