SEAL Brotherhood 06 - SEAL My Destiny (17 page)

At first he blinked, as if he couldn’t parse the words. And then he took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, dropping his eyes to where her fingers rested on the tabletop. He plastered a smile on his lips, and when he looked at her, some of the sparkle returned to his eyes.

But he was measured. He was guarded. And it broke her heart.

Just tell me, Luke. Let me in. No need to play nice. Just be honest with me. I can handle it.

“I guess you wore me out a bit. I enjoyed it last night. But—”

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Just stop. Look. I’m sorry. I’m a little on edge too. Let’s just hit the reset button, Luke. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

The gentle pat he returned was just for effect. He wasn’t feeling anything at all, though she could tell he was trying to.

“It’s been a pretty intense few days. We both have things we have to go back and do, things perhaps we aren’t looking forward to,” he said. “And I’m not much of a talker, either. I don’t do small talk. I never know what to say. I’m pretty much an action guy.”

“I’ve experienced that first hand,” she said with a blush, which was not warmly received. “It’s part of what I find attractive—”

He was up in an instant. “Going to the john,” he said as he practically ran from the table.

What just happened? He’d gotten a couple of cell phone texts. Was there a problem back in San Diego?

Their food was delivered just before Luke returned to the table. A droplet of water was at his temple, and it looked like his hair was wet. His smile to her was almost sheepish.

He waited until she took the first bite before he began. And then she knew she wasn’t going to like whatever he was going to say.

“Julie, there’s no question I’m attracted to you. I guess what’s going on with me is I’m having an extreme attack of conscience. I feel like I’ve led you someplace I didn’t intend to go myself. Does that make sense?”

“No. Not really.”

He checked the table to his left, watching the family with the warring children interact. His face was an expressionless slate, except for the jaw muscles that rippled as he ground his back teeth. He didn’t look up at her, just leaned forward, over his hands, tented his eyebrows, and continued.

“Look. This is hard for me. I’m not sure I’m ready for the kind of intense relationship you seem to want. And I feel real bad I’ve led you on.”

He did a quick check to her eyes and then darted back down to his hands.

She could have said something, but what she really wanted to do was throw her ice water in his face. Fucked nearly every way possible, and now the guy had a pang of regret. Her fury escalated to a slow boil.

It was what her mother used to say to warn her about men and sex. “Boys just want to get in your pants,” she used to say. “They get what they want and then they’re on to the next conquest.” In fact, she could see her mother face nodding and saying, “I told you so,” which just infuriated her further. And the woman was wrong. Dead wrong.

But where did it leave them?

Nowhere. That’s exactly where it left them. There was no “they.” There was a memory of something briefly beautiful, something she could see dying right in front of her, being eviscerated and torn apart by some black spirit which had taken over the man she thought she loved.

Yes, Luke was damaged, all right. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, but today, this afternoon, sitting at this table, in front of strangers, with the ridiculous elevator music blaring in the background, where the food suddenly tasted like cardboard, she wasn’t so sure she could keep her promise to him.

“Come on. Let’s hit the road,” he said before she could.

The fresh air, though laced with dusty gasoline and exhaust fumes from the busy freeway, helped. The absence of disapproving looks lessened the tension a bit for her.

“I’d like to drive, if you don’t mind, Luke,” she said, without looking at him.

“No. Not an option.”

So now she was also an “option.”

“Let me give you a chance to catch a cat nap. I’ll wake you up in an hour. I promise.”

He was searching the buzzing traffic on the freeway, as if there was an answer there.

“Suit yourself,” he said, and dropped the keys in her palm.

Julie didn’t wake
him up in an hour. She drove him all the way to San Diego, and, in the evening light, touched his arm and saw him flinch. Disoriented at first, he glared at her when he realized he’d slept the remainder of the trip and she had neglected to wake him up.

“You need to tell me where to drop you off.”

It was as if she’d said something so distasteful he could hardly stand to listen. He appeared to think about something and then shook his head. Then he flopped back, pounded his fist into his thigh, and swore.

“Fuck. My car’s at the airport. We’ve passed it already.”

“No problem,” Julie said, turning off the freeway to the overpass that took them north again on I-5. She was working hard to remain unflappable, but her armpits were sweaty. She’d had several talks with herself before waking Luke, and that had helped. There was no way she was going to let her crushing disappointment and hurt show. She’d tell it to her pillow when she cried herself to sleep after a long, hot shower.

“I’m at Terminal 1 parking,” he pointed to the sign.

She drove through the gate and followed his directions until they were parked behind a huge, deep blue Hummer. Of course he would have a big monster car.

She popped the trunk and got out for what she hoped was a goodbye hug, perhaps some semblance of a kiss. Was she hoping he’d talk about seeing her again?

Yes. It was definitely what she hoped for.

But what she got was a peck on the cheek and a shrug. “I had fun. I’ll call you sometime.”

He wasn’t even careful how he sounded, how he delivered the age-old line she should have been prepared for, but wasn’t.

Well, it was her own damned fault, she thought as she handed the attendant her ticket and was allowed to exit the parking lot. She’d laid the ground rules, told him it was not acceptable for him to mentally “go away,” and he couldn’t help himself.

He’d told her he loved her, something she couldn’t simply discard. But the part about letting her decide whether or not it was too much, giving her the choice, he’d still done that. Yeah, he allowed her to choose whether to answer her phone when he called,
if
he called. It just wasn’t exactly what she’d hoped for.

Well, she thought, if there was a God of teachers, he’d save her from problems with the administration. She could go on her girls’ week in Vegas with a couple of friends. They’d get drunk, watch the male dance reviews and maybe a nudie show, and ogle the firemen or policemen—something
other
than a man in military uniform.

And she’d learn to forget by throwing herself into next year’s lesson plans in the anticipation of bright, young faces, eager to learn.

And hope to God she could stop thinking about the icy blue eyes of the man who had wounded her.

Because she realized she did love him still.

‡

L
uke sat gripping
the wheel of his hummer and pressed his forehead into it.

You freakin’ asshole!

Sweet Julie had given him just about everything he ever wanted in a woman, and more. And he had to go all cold on her. The shadows of the past had sneaked in and draped themselves over his sensual weekend with her, graying out her beautiful, warm spirit. The crowd of old voices shouted in his ear things like,
You don’t deserve her,
or
You better watch out or you’ll kill her, too.

He’d been released from the dream of Camilla and her red lips until a week ago. And then Julie and all her pure pinkness, just like Camilla had been for him, so willing, so easy to fall for, her body calling for his to take them over the edge of passion unlike never before. Why was it going to be taken away from him, again?

He knew he’d have to book a meeting with his counselor. He didn’t want to be honest about the medication he
wasn’t
taking, because he didn’t like how it made him feel. Told himself he was stronger than everyone else. And yeah, the doc had told him he’d start to feel normal and he’d think he could go off the meds and play superman. It was just that he didn’t want to be dulled down, miss a single eyelash or freckle on her beautiful body. He’d wanted to have all of it without missing anything.

So what did he do? He destroyed it. He blew his chance.

Clearly, he wasn’t ready for this kind of intense relationship. He’d rushed up to Colin’s wedding, was shocked to find Julie greeting guests at the door to her parent’s home. He was in the company of a bunch of strangers who were so nice to him, not because of his military service, but because they were decent people. They didn’t know what kind of a hot-and-cold guy he was, what kind of a time bomb was ticking inside him.

Normally he’d have tired of the girl. His entanglements with Julie were golden strings which cut into his flesh. Something about the pain was delicious in a fucked-up kind of way. His aching heart was somehow atonement for Camilla, maybe, or something else.

Yeah, the doc had told him the confused state of mind would come and go. That if he started feeling numb or confused, if he lacked motivation to go work out or even fold his clothes, to watch out.

Something had soaked into his pants, leaving his thighs damp. What was weird was the steering wheel was dripping on him.

Holy fuck. My tears.

Time to rein in those feelings. He pushed the button to start the Hummer, but it didn’t. He rummaged through his backpack, to make sure the keys were there, and put them closer to his lap in the tray at the console. This time his Hummer roared to life.

His beast wanted to run flat out like a good racehorse. The freeway called to him. He was running home. He knew it just like the cowboys of old who pushed their horses to get them home before sunset. He needed the brotherhood to rub off all the rough edges, or pound them off, as sometimes happened.

He dialed his LPO.

“You back, Luke?”

“Yup. Anything going on tonight?”

“Sanouk’s got a poker game planned. Not sure I’m up to it, though. Brandon has been hell on wheels.”

“He’s your boy. Only makes sense.”

“Christy’s been working a ton. He’s getting used to torturing his dad.”

“So bring him along.”

“Not a chance. You know what he said to Christy this morning?”

“Wait a minute. He’s talking already?”

“Shit, Luke. Where you been? He’s fuckin’ three and a half.”

“Like I’m supposed to know the development cycle of my LPO’s kid. Kyle, no offense, but I’d rather pay attention to what Christy is wearing than check out whether or not your rug rat is talking.”

“Watch it, Luke.”

“Okay, it’s a big deal to you. I get it.”

“No, man. It’s a big deal what he said.”

“So hurry up and fuckin’ tell me.”

“He dropped his spoon on the floor. He said, ‘Oh, fuck, I dropped it.’”

Now that was funny. Luke could just see the scene.

“What’d you expect? You just said he’s been hanging around you more these days. You think he’d start talking college prep?”

“I caught hell from Christy.”

“As you should. Not likely he picked up his language from her side, ya know?”

“Yeah. So I’m trying to limit his exposure to stuff like poker parties. But I’ll come if Christy gets home and doesn’t have other plans.”

“Roger that, then.” Luke was happy for Kyle, who had found a woman he would let boss him around the house, even though on the job Kyle was usually the one in charge. He chuckled when he dialed Fredo’s number and didn’t get an answer. He did get hold of his fellow teammate, Tyler Gray.

“So Colin went ahead and did the deed.”

“He sure did.”

“When did you get home?”

“Um. Just now.”

“You see Nick?”

“Sure did. He’s got a fine little place there. Going into the wine business.”

“I hear he’s leaving the Teams.”

“Not sure. It happens, Tyler. You know that. Comes a point when it’s not fun anymore.” He was thinking about his own battles. Was this what was going on with him? Was it getting to be time to get out? He’d already transferred from the East Coast teams. But he liked Team 3 and his LPO. If he couldn’t make it here, he wouldn’t be happy anywhere.

Something else to talk to the doc about.

“So Tyler, you ready for some fun tonight?”

“I’m not feeling too good about the poker, but we could meet at the Scupper for a couple of brews?”

“Works for me. I’ve been driving half the day.”

“Thought you flew.”

“Came back with someone.”

“As in of the female kind?”

“Affirmative.”

“And why the fuck aren’t you tied up this evening? You losing your touch, Luke?”

Nothing wrong with my touch. It’s my head.

“Long story. Tell you later. Meet you at the Scupper in an hour?” he said while he turned toward Coronado.

“I’ll be there.”