SEAL's Promise - Bad Boys of SEAL Team 3, Book 01 (20 page)

“You have no idea what regret means, Shannon. Not like you ever had to worry about anything your whole life.” He refused to have eye contact with her. She could see how hard he was working to hold in his anger.

The cruel statement had a ring of truth to it. She told herself he didn’t really mean what he’d said. She was not going to let him see how much he’d hurt her with that comment. “I was scared today. We both were.”

He said something under his breath she couldn’t make out.

“I have regrets, T.J. I regret that I made Frankie wait two years to marry me. I regret that we didn’t make love the night before he deployed. I regret I wasn’t a more appreciative daughter growing up. I regret picking so many fights with you, when you were just trying to help Frankie grow up. I was jealous of how he loved you, T.J. You did for him what I would never be able to do.”

T.J. was watching her hands folded neatly in her lap. She smoothed the pink blanket over her thighs until there wasn’t a wrinkle or pucker anywhere.

It was her turn to take in a deep breath. “It would have been painful, but I regret not being there, to hold Frankie for his last breaths. That should have been me, not you. And he never should have made you promise what you had to promise him.”

“No, Shannon, don’t say that.”

“Well, I didn’t make it very easy for you, did I? I think you scared me to death, the way you looked at me. I was scared of the way you made me feel when I was around you. And I’m going to be scared when you go overseas, because now I don’t know what I would do without you, T.J.”

She didn’t recall a time when they had honestly looked into each other’s eyes the way they were right then. At the edges was the sexual tension, pulling them in that direction, but she wanted him to see that she could just as easily be his friend as his lover. For the first time, she just wanted to be there for him, without strings or expectations.

“You won’t have to worry about that, honey,” he said, as he held her right hand. “I may have to go places, but I’m not leaving you. Ever.”

“Because you gave your word to a dying man. If you’re reconsidering what you promised, just know that you don’t have to—”

T.J. quickly knelt by the bed and put both her hands to his lips.

“Nonsense. Stop it,” he said to her fingers.

“Would you have persisted if you hadn’t promised?”

His eyes were watering when he answered, “That’s an unfair question. That’s not how it works.”

“So you tell me how it works, T.J. How is all this going to work? How are you going to be a father to Courtney when you won’t go see your own father, who’s trying to reach out to you through time and space? I may not have a lot of things you have, but I do have love for my family. I know I could never live with myself if I let him die in a prison cell, knowing his son didn’t want to see him before he went. You’d hate yourself too, I just know you would. I don’t want that for you. I won’t bring that hatred into our family.”

He stood back up and turned his back to her. She could tell he was weeping. His shoulders slumped forward. She carefully got out of bed with the clattering of plastic tubing and the wheels of the IV squeaking, and he turned around just in time to pull her to his chest. His heavy breath was on her neck, his fingers digging into her back as he clutched her through the hospital gown.

She gently kissed the hair at his temple, whispering that she loved him while she allowed herself to melt into him, until the pain of her incision sharpened and she stiffened involuntarily and then stepped back slightly.

“Baby, did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to—”

“Shhh. I’m fine. I got a little carried away is all. There will be time for that.” She grabbed one hand and turned toward the door. “Right now I want to go see our baby, T.J. I want to watch as you touch her.”

He brought his forehead to meet hers and nodded. “Okay. We’ll do that.”

With the assistance of the nurses, another chair was brought into the nursery, and T.J. was properly gloved and gowned. Shannon leaned into his side as he placed his hand through the plastic seam and gave Courtney a tickle to her cheek. The baby’s complexion was a deep pink, but getting lighter almost before their eyes.

“Tomorrow I think maybe you can feed her,” the head nurse said from the other side of the warming unit.

“Really?”

“Well, she needs your early milk as soon as you feel up to it. I’ll help you pump a little so you’ll be ready tomorrow.”

“Oh, and I’d love a shower.”

“Not for a couple of days. The doctor. has to inspect your incision tomorrow. Maybe day after. But I’ll bring you some things to freshen up.” She turned, and after giving T.J. a look that told him she didn’t trust him to behave, left the room.

“I’m not letting that woman touch you. If there’s going to be any washing up, I’m doing the washing.”

Courtney was fussing, trying to push the mask off her face with flailing fingers and arms. T.J gave her his little finger and she grabbed it.

“Yeah. You’re gonna play softball. You’ll be a pitcher with that grip.”

Chapter Twenty-Six

‡

T.
J
. HAD A
hard time sleeping. The nurses made up a bed next to Shannon, and he’d fallen asleep off and on after watching her doze off, their fingers weaving together like they’d been doing it for fifty years. He’d tried several times to pull back his arm, which had fallen asleep from the elbow down, but each time, Shannon grabbed onto him harder, and he was unable to extricate himself without waking her. It made him smile and count his blessings.

Earlier, before he’d finished his private visit with Courtney, a young neonatal intern joined him. The young man patted him on the shoulder and took a careful look at the baby. He listened to chest sounds and nodded, raising his eyebrows.

“You’ve got a very strong little girl there.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Good thing she was so large. Hardly seems like she was, what, two weeks early?”

“Doc had told us just two days ago she could be born at any time. I’m guessing she figured she was ready.”

“Under the circumstances, I’d say we got lucky.” He repositioned his stethoscope around his neck. “I’m inclined to remove her mask and see how she does. Wanna do it?”

“You sure?”

“No, but I don’t hear anything that disturbs me. I think she can breathe on her own.”

“She’s been fighting that thing ever since I got here tonight.”

“Well, let’s give it a go and see how she does.”

Though T.J. had stitched salty combat vets up, the idea of pulling tape off little Courtney’s fine light brown hair, ears and cheeks left him squeamish. “I think I’ll let you do it, if you don’t mind.”

With the breathing mask removed, the baby eased into a deep sleep with regular up and down chest rhythms. He watched her for nearly a half hour, and then went in search of Shannon. There was a new crew at the nurses’ station, so he informed them he was joining Shannon.

“We’re gonna let her sleep tonight. She can have the baby tomorrow,” he was told.

A young pretty volunteer brought him a set of turquoise scrubs to use as pajamas, blushing as she presented them. He didn’t have the heart to tell her he never wore any, and thanked her with a wink.

Shannon was finishing up a sponge bath.

“You’re gonna love this. Courtney is breathing on her own.”

“You’re kidding? That’s awesome!”

“We just took the mask off, and the doc says she’s breathing completely without difficulty. They’ve still got her monitors on and will check throughout the night, but that’s a great sign, honey. Really remarkable, Shannon. I’m so proud of you both.” He watched Shannon towel herself off.

“I can’t wait to get a real shower,” she said.

T.J. leaned over and kissed her. “And I can’t wait to get you in the shower too.”

He washed up in the private bath, but by the time he climbed into the hospital bed, Shannon was fast asleep. He extended her arm to his chest and held it there with both of his. Filtered light sliced into the room from the hallway. Outside, the sky was beginning to turn deep blue, and he willed himself to sleep. But as the early morning hours turned into real morning, the new sunlight was hard to sleep through.

He thought about the conversation with Travis Banks. He wondered what kind of man could do a job like that, and then figured it was some kind of calling, like the calling he had to become a SEAL. Not many people understood his motivation to jump in harm’s way and not get any active recognition for it. The pay wasn’t that hot, the life insurance was adequate, but then if that occurred, he’d not be around to enjoy it. It was a good way, though, to secure his family’s future. Frankie’s policy was going to pay down the mortgage on the house so they didn’t have to pay PMI, and the rest would be saved. Courtney’s education would be paid for, thanks to Uncle Sam. Shannon would get a new air conditioner for the back bedroom.

Voices in the hallway woke him several times. Each time, it got harder and harder to fall back asleep, so finally he got up, dressed and hung out at the nurses’ station for some free coffee. He was informed the local donut shop would be making the rounds in an hour, mostly for the staff, but they told him a lot of the dads really enjoyed that service.

He was the only dad, of the several newly admitted couples, to spend the night, and he found that to be curious. How things had changed in his life. He wouldn’t have thought he could enjoy sitting quietly by, watching Shannon or the baby sleep. It had all been about doing midnight HALO jumps, or training missions in the glaciers of Alaska.

T.J. decided to call Travis Banks.

“Maybe you can help me with some decisions, Mr. Banks.”

“I thought you’d call back, son.”

“No promises, yet. But I’d like for you to fill in the details, if you could. I don’t know a thing about my dad.” After he said it, he wondered if this was a good idea, but his curiosity was getting the better of him.

“I can’t tell you anything without his permission. So much easier, son, if you’d just come out here, then ol’ Bobbie Ray could decide for hisself what he wants to tell you.”

“So his name is Bobbie Ray.” Maybe it would be easier for Travis, but T.J. could see it would be more difficult for him.

“Yes, son. Bobbie Ray Stokes. He said he named you Bobbie Ray Junior, if you want to know.”

“I could have gone a long time without knowing that.” He felt the familiar lurch in his stomach from fear, followed by slight nausea.

“I understand.” Travis’ deep vocal tones ended on an even deeper, darker downturn.

“Is my mother alive?”

“I think that’s what he wants to talk to you about. I think he wants to tell you where you can find her, if you’re willing.”

“I’m not sure I am.”

“Well, it’s your decision, of course. We’re just here to help out.”

“You enjoy your job?”

“Job? Oh, I see what you mean. No, son, this is not a paid position. I’m a volunteer. I have a little church about forty miles away. We do a lot of prison outreach. I’m only here three afternoons a week. The rest of my time, I’m tending to my other flock on the outside.”

T.J. was pained with guilt he’d been so crusty to this man, who was obviously just trying to do something nice for the prison population. Guys like this were rare. He was glad that someone on the outside cared for these men, even if he couldn’t go there himself.

“I’m sorry I got a little rough with you, Mr. Banks.”

“You can call me Travis, and apology accepted. We all do the best we can do. You thought I was someone trying to insert hisself into your life without an invitation. A lot of people don’t come ‘round when a family member is in prison, and many don’t have family to talk to. So we try to give them just a little lifeline. But they gotta do all the heavy lifting themselves. We’re here to support that.”

“I’ll bet you’ve seen some drama.”

“Oh, yes, I could tell you some stories. I work with many of the sick or hospice patients. They often want to clean up their lives as they prepare for their final destination. When you’re livin’ here, heaven looks like a lot better place.”

“I can imagine.”

“They might have messed up
this
life, but they can have a clean fresh
new
one, and that’s what we focus on. Goin’ home to rest.”

T.J. couldn’t speak, frozen by the man’s story.

“Mr. Talbot, I
can
tell you this, your daddy has confessed his sins, of which he has many. I’m not goin’ to lie to you. But give the man a chance to make his peace with you. He’s told me it’s the biggest regret of his life, and it has something to do with why he’s here. That’s all I’m going to say about
that
.”

T.J. considered his choices. He was inclined to set up a visit, but mostly because he knew it would please Shannon. Wasn’t going to be like welcoming dear old dad into his family circle. Courtney and Shannon would probably never know him. So what would it hurt? His dad would never live to meet anyone he cared about. So he reconsidered his decision, and found himself promising he’d work on it.

“And son, I’d hurry about that, if I were you. Hate to see you come all the way out here and not be able to talk to your dad. The sooner you can get here the better, if you want to connect at all.”

He thought about Kyle’s comments. “
This is just the hand you’ve been dealt. Not like you had any say in the matter.”
It was true, he was blaming his father for the abusive foster families he’d been so unfortunate to be placed with. He wanted to think his father would have chosen another trajectory for his son, but it wasn’t within his power to do so. He’d have to be okay with that for now.

H
IS PLANE TOUCHED
down at Nashville International Airport two days later. He’d made sure Courtney was going to be completely healthy before he bought the tickets and called Banks, who agreed to pick him up at the airport and get him right over to the medical facility. The subliminal message was as clear as the orders barked at him from the instructors at BUD/S. His dad didn’t have long to live.