Seamless (34 page)

“I’m not sure what you’re doing, but I’m doing what I always do, loving and protecting you. Now come on, let’s go back to bed.”

When she hesitated, he came to stand behind her and wrapped his arms around her body so she knew what he wanted. He stared into her eyes in the mirror until she smiled weakly at him. He picked her up and carried her back to bed.

Everything hurt—her stomach, her brain, and especially her heart. Stella hadn’t made her mind up as to what she was doing yet, but she’d been clinging to Patrick like she was standing on the edge of a cliff and one motion could send her tumbling down. She finally allowed herself to really think about what’d happened to Jamie and wondered if she’d come back from this. Dunking herself in the freezing ocean helped her make her feel things other than pain. Patrick was making her feel things other than pain.

She felt like she’d been fighting for years and she was exhausted. She didn’t know if she could make it another round. Stella used up her last bit of fight trying to get the FBI to arrest Jamie; she didn’t know if she could face another bout of media attention plus criminal investigations and keep her shit together at the same time. She wondered what the end felt like—is this what the end feels like?
Is this it?
It was humbling knowing this might be it even though she wasn’t sure she wanted this to be the end. Every muscle in her body felt depleted, especially her heart.

Patrick sat next to her on the beach, staring out at the water as Cooper chased the seagulls, who taunted him by diving down at him and then flying up before he could reach them. Stella would usually smile at Cooper when he played with the gulls, but she didn’t know if she would ever smile again. Her emotions were all over the place; she was devastated from losing George and Jamie and possibly Patrick. She’d made him tell her they were okay over and over again, until she started to believe it. Patrick was her rock; she needed him. Something told her that they were meant to be together, but she wasn’t sure Patrick felt the same. He started this whole thing and he wasn’t fighting the connection, but, on the other hand, it was like he just wanted to get her out of his system. They’d always be friends, so maybe she could just forget about this and chalk it up to an emotional breakdown.

“So, I guess I really fucked everything up.” She shook her head, looking down at the sand.

“El, you’ll be okay.” Patrick laid back in the sand, propping himself up on his elbows, and took a sip of his beer.

“I didn’t know it would be like this…” she started. “He would’ve killed me.” She drew a circle in the sand. The wind blew her hair in her face and the reality of what happened washed over her.

“Yes, he would’ve,” Patrick confirmed and pushed her hair back.

“This was the only way,” she repeated, her fingers drawing a line through the circle.

Patrick took her hand in his and kissed her palm. “You know that it was.”

Stella squeezed her eyes tight; she could still see red. “I didn’t know it would be like this.” She craved the numbness she had when Jamie “died” the first time. She was raw this time; it was like pouring alcohol on open wounds. She was an open wound.

“We did what we needed to do to protect you.” Patrick’s sunglasses blocked his eyes so she couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“Jesse’s still on board?” Stella asked, looking back at the water.

“Oh yeah, we went to a party together in Atlanta. I was all over Twitter and Facebook, partying with him.”

“Okay, good. I don’t want this on you. If shit goes down, I’ll take the blame.”

“El. He was forcing you to leave with him; no one will ever believe you were behind this.” Patrick sat up and dragged her to sit in between his legs, facing him. “This was the only way. You know that. You’ve got to handle your shit, El. You can’t fall apart on me. I did this for you.”

“I know.” Her voice broke off and buried itself in the sand. This was all her fault. Patrick and Jesse had done this for her; they had done this horrible, terrible, evil thing to protect
her.
She didn’t know if she could live with what they’d done; what she’d done. “Anyone see you at the airport?”

“No. Jesse had a change of clothes for me in someone’s car he borrowed and your dad drove me to the plane in Atlanta. The car I left at National was still there and no one was the wiser. When I finished, I flew back to Atlanta and your dad was waiting. Jesse’s plane just sat there and waited on me. It’d be awesome to be rich like that.”

She brushed the sand with her foot. “How did you know he’d take that bait?”

Patrick rubbed her cheek with his thumb. “Because I would’ve.”

“Patrick,” Stella blew her bangs out of her eyes, “I’ll
never
be able to thank you enough.” And Jesse. And her father. Good God, her father helped.
How will I ever thank them?

“Sure you can, El.” Patrick took off his sunglasses and looked into her eyes, his cold blue eyes losing their edge, softening as he leaned in and nuzzled her neck. “You have to.”

“How?”
She could never repay him. She’d never forgive herself for dragging him into this.
Her insides started to curl and fester. She hung her head and sighed, wiping away the circle she’d drawn in the sand.

Patrick must’ve been able to see her shutting down. “Don’t,” he said, pulling her hand in his. “Come back with me. Let him go. That’s why
we
did all this—so you can move on, El.”

She looked out as the waves crashed and Cooper dove into the surf. “I don’t know if I can,” she whispered.

“Fuck, El,” Patrick swore, exasperated, throwing her hand down as if it were on fire. “If it’s George you want, go back to George. Just live your fucking life. If you don’t, all of this was for nothing. That, I won’t forgive you for.”

Stella was driving back to Old Town after staying one extra night in North Carolina without Patrick. He’d left her at the house yesterday, telling her to come back to him, assuring her that he’d be waiting. He had pulled her into him and whispered in her ear, “You’re my person.” She’d kissed him tenderly; he’d urged her mouth open and what she’d intended to be a soft goodbye kiss turned hotter and full of need. He’d left her panting and stalked off to his car without another word.

She pulled her phone out and tapped her dad’s number.

“Dad?”

“Baby?” His voice was full of concern. “Are you okay?”

“For now. I’m headed back to DC; I’ve gotta go to the FBI office for additional interviews.” She pulled out onto 95 North and headed toward a big decision. “Dad,” she sighed audibly, “I’m really confused.”

“About what?”

“The better question would be what am I not confused about…” She chuckled. “But I was wondering if you can be in love with two people.”

“I don’t know, Stella. Maybe.” He cleared his throat. “Why?”

“I was just asking,” she lied.
Liar.

“Did something happen with Patrick?” Her dad read her like a book.

“Oh, Dad!” she sobbed. “He told me he loved me! During all this shit, he told me he loved me.”

“Well, I’m not too surprised by that, are you?” His tone wasn’t judgmental, but matter of fact.

“Yes!” She shook her head. “Completely.”

“Well, then you’re pretty good at ignoring the obvious.”

“What do you mean?”

“Stella, men don’t do what he did for just any woman…”

“But he’s my best friend,” she interrupted.

“That’s a pretty good foundation for love.”

“Ugh, Dad. You’re confusing me even more.” She pushed her sunglasses up her nose. “After he told me all that, he said that we could still be friends and if I wanted to go back to George, it would be fine. I don’t know what to think about anything. Millie broke up with him and he talked to me honestly for one day, then it was like he pretended it never happened.”

“Well, I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I do know he may have thought it didn’t matter what he said or did, that you’d go back to George regardless. Is that what you’re planning on doing?”

“I don’t know, Dad.” She gazed at the lines on the road. “I think I love them both.”

“Well, I’ll impart this little bit of advice. If you
do
go back to George, never tell him what happened, Stella. Never. It won’t end well.”

“Well, I could’ve told you that.”

She kept telling herself she was making the right decision. Thoughts of the past week reverberated in her head, nonstop. Emotions swirled through her, around her, tangled like a kite’s string in a blistering wind. Patrick assured her he was fine with her going back to George; he basically convinced her to go back to George. Did that mean Patrick didn’t want her? How was she supposed to respond to that?

The day he left, she and Cooper had stayed on the beach all day, trying to make a decision, to convince herself one way or the other. There was never any doubt in her mind before Patrick had confessed his love to her, but now she had to consider what that meant to her. On one hand, she couldn’t believe they’d actually slept together, but on the other, it wasn’t a huge surprise. Their bodies were naturally in tune with one another. There was no awkwardness it was as if they’d been together for years. She sighed. You only see what you want to see, and for years she’d wanted to see a supportive best friend that was willing to do anything for her. A constant slideshow of the last several years played in her head. George had been there for her and his love never wavered, but Patrick was her person, her solid. He was her rock, the one she always turned to no matter what happened. That was love, too.

She turned up the radio and hummed along with The Band Perry, letting her mind drift to a fantasy where everything worked out for her. She casually stroked the fur on Cooper’s back as she thought of this dream world where everything was perfect and sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. She wanted unicorns.

The song ended and the broadcaster came on with news. Hearing her name shook her from her reverie. Her whereabouts were news again.
That’s great
. Apparently, the story about ATF Agent Jack Ryder being shot at “Stella’s former home” while Stella and her best friend watched a movie was all over the news. This didn’t surprise her, but she’d sheltered herself from TV, radio, and internet for the past few days and didn’t know if she was prepared for the onslaught of questions. She’d been texting with Greg and simply directed him to handle it. Emotionally, she was done and couldn’t fathom making any sort of statements right now.

She had a big decision to make and she was the queen of dreadful decisions.

She pulled the Challenger in front of the house and cut the engine. She closed her eyes and counted to 18, trying not to think of the last time she was at this house.
Jamie
. Stella tried not to picture Jamie’s head exploding. She didn’t know if she could even go in the house now. Opening the car door, she stepped into the driveway and Cooper jumped out.
Breathe.
Cooper ran to the closest bush while she stared up at the door. As if he could sense her presence, the door opened and those blue eyes stared at her, full of life. Full of hope.

“El…” It was a moan.

Oh shit.
Stella moved slowly and Cooper followed, bounding up the stairs to where Patrick stood, his hands shoved in his pockets. She walked up the stairs staring at her feet. She felt strong arms encircle her and pull her into his body. Stella released a breath and shook her way free from his grip. He let her take a step back from him, but framed her face with his hands and leaned into her, kissing her. Stella shook her head imperceptibly and Patrick stilled. He stepped back and his gaze searched hers.

“El?” His eyes grew cold as she stood there, frozen, unable to tell her best friend she wasn’t staying with him. He grasped her hands in his with a death grip.

“I can’t,” she barely whispered.

“What?” he croaked, his eyes boring into hers.

“I’m going to George’s.” She broke off eye contact and looked at Cooper, who was standing in between them, smiling his doggie smile, waiting for someone to pet him.