Searching for Moore (28 page)

Mia sighed, “Schooner, Schooner, Schooner. There are some things we can’t control.”

“You’d be surprised,” he was now smiling.

Mia laughed, “How do I get you to chill out?”

“Maybe sometime in late December, when we have a nice healthy baby.” He hugged her to him as they waved hello to the doormen.

“Oh puhleeeze,” she tightened her arm around him, “I think that’s when your crazy neurosis is going to be in full bloom.” They entered the elevator.

He laughed, “I swear I was much calmer about this in my twenties.”

“Great, so what you’re telling me is CJ got the good end of things here?” They both laughed, “That’s just not fair.”

“I promise to try to chill,” he kissed her as they entered the apartment.

“C’mon Baby Daddy, make it up to me.” She pulled him into the bedroom.

“You called Gary?” Mia was shocked.

“Mmm-hmm.” Schooner nodded, long legs stretched out from where he sat at the breakfast bar, coffee in hand. “I had questions. I want to understand the whole procedure, the risks to you and the baby, when to expect results.”

“And to make sure you could be in there with me?” He nodded. Mia stood in front of him, between his legs. “Did you buy a lab to get immediate, priority results?”

“It occurred to me,” he stared straight into her eyes.

“When did you become such a control freak, Schooner?” Mia cocked her head, looking into his calm blue eyes.

“You are seriously asking me that?” He asked with a bemused look, putting his hands on Mia’s shoulders. She nodded, “Mia, I always control everything. I always have. With the exception of you. You have always been the one out of control thing in my life. You. Everything that happens to you. What you do. How you react. Out of control.”

Mia stood there thinking, while Schooner took one hand off of her shoulder and grabbed his coffee cup. “People. Situations. Business. Emotions. I’ve always controlled them or was in control of them.” Mia’s brows were knit, clearly doing a mental inventory of their past and their time together. “But you, my Baby Girl, are like a vortex. I get sucked in and spun around and nothing is ever in control. And it’s always certainly out of my control.”

Mia smiled at him and pushed his hair from his forehead. “And does it surprise you how happy you are in my little out of control world?”

He nodded and she leaned forward and kissed him, “Exciting, huh?”

“To some extent,” he admitted, taking a sip of his coffee, “But also very disconcerting. You’ve always controlled everything, Mia. Whether you realize it or not. I gave up control when I fell in love with you. You know why?”

She shook her head.

“Because I stopped putting me first.”

“And this clearly gives you heartburn, Schooner?”

He nodded. “Mia, you have the power to pull the rug out from under me. I’m helpless. I’m just along for the ride.”

She took his face in her hands, “Schooner, I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but we are standing on the precipice together. You have a lot more power here than you give yourself credit for.”

“I do what I can in little ways to try and gain some semblance of control over things.” He stood to rinse his cup in the sink before putting it in the dishwasher.

“Like call Gary?” Mia realized she had her arms crossed in front of her and dropped them, consciously not trying to take on a defensive pose.

He nodded. Schooner’s eyes were fixed on Mia’s and very serious.

Mia gestured, palms up. “And? Do you feel better?”

“I do.”

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t make me drag this out of you.”

“Gary and I both think that it’s best that you don’t do the tests as an outpatient. He’s going to keep you overnight, in case there are any issues,” Mia nodded and he continued, “and we can do something called FISH results and have answers the next day that Gary says are usually pretty accurate.”

Mia nodded, turned on her heel and walked into the bedroom. Schooner walked in a few minutes later and Mia was sitting on the bed in running shorts and a sweatshirt, tying the laces on her sneakers.

He leaned in the doorway arms crossed, taking up most of the doorframe watching her. “Going for a run?”

“No. Probably more like a fast walk,” she didn’t look up at him.

“Are you angry?”

“No.”

“Then why are you going out?”

She looked up at him for the first time. “I need space and I need to think.”

“You need space from me?” He sounded annoyed.

She nodded, “I do. I need to think, Schooner. I’m really trying not to react.”

“And you don’t think walking out of here to think is not a reaction?”

Mia stood, “Yeah, it’s a reaction, but it will give me time to process everything.”

“Fine,” and he turned and walked back into the living room.

Mia found him standing in front of the living room windows looking outside. Instead of grabbing her keys, she approached Schooner from behind and wrapped her arms around his waist, laying her cheek on his back.

“You overwhelm me, Schooner. I think when it comes to me you sometimes don’t understand boundaries. I have to keep reminding myself it’s because you love me and always want to protect me.” She could feel his muscles begin to relax. His hands went to her hands, covering them. “Why didn’t you talk to me before calling Gary?”

“Well, I knew he could answer my questions directly.”

“I shouldn’t be learning about it as an afterthought,” she kissed his back.

“You would’ve stopped me,” he turned in her arms to face her.

“Mmm-hmm,” she acknowledged, “Or I at least would’ve been part of the decision-making process, Schooner.”

He nodded, “You’re right.”

“I’m not porcelain,” she whispered.

“When you were sixteen, my dad told me to watch out for you.” He looked up at the ceiling, slowly letting out a lungful of air. “Do you know that I always felt that I let him down, that I let your dad down and most of all, that I let you down.”

She grabbed him tighter, cheek against his chest. “Will I always wonder what our lives would’ve been like had I not left you. Yes, a little bit maybe. Ok, maybe more than a little, but Schooner, I’ve had a good life — so many of my dreams have come true. You’ve had an amazing life. And now, we have this chance. This chance to do it right. And we both have the life experience and the maturity to really appreciate and value it all. And we’re having a baby. And the only thing either one of us should worry about controlling is our happiness. You have to lighten up.”

He lifted her hand to his lips, “Not likely, Baby Girl.”

Mia looked up with sad eyes into his beautiful clear blue eyes, turned and grabbed her keys off the breakfast bar and walked out of the apartment.

Mia had been walking for a while, zigzagging through the streets, not really paying attention to her surroundings, the dialogue in her head drowning out all else. Schooner was usually the calming factor to her over the top reactions, tethering her back to Earth, but now his desire to control and protect was oppressive. Mia wondered if it was just driven by his fear that their baby wouldn’t be ok or if this was really just Schooner.

Really, who was he? Some guy she had known for a short while, a long time ago, who just came back into her life. A guy who had just left his wife for her (ok, the wife who stole him away with lies in the first place). And now she was pregnant with his baby. And at forty, this baby might not be healthy and could she deal with that? Did she want to deal with that? Could she even consider not dealing with it? She told him that she would cross that bridge when they came to it.

She reached the corner of Greenwich and Gansevoort before she stopped. What to do? What to do? Ok, one more block and I’ll be at Christian Louboutin, she thought. I’ll look at Louboutin shoes, that’ll be a feel good. As Mia stood in front of what was considered the mother ship to many women, she realized that she didn’t have her wallet or her cell phone with her. She couldn’t buy shoes and she couldn’t call Schooner and the thought upset her greatly. And as she stood there looking at the beautiful red-soled skyscrapers, she realized that she couldn’t buy Louboutin’s anyway because every woman she knew that had a child said their feet grew as a result of their pregnancy, and just the thought of that, was enough to push Mia Silver over the edge.

Mia stood in front of Louboutin’s window and sobbed. She sobbed for all the beautiful size 7 1/2’s in her closet that she would never wear again, she sobbed for all the shoes she couldn’t buy until her feet morphed into their new size, she sobbed for her favorite Old Gringo cowboy boots that she was not going to fit into as a cool new mother. She sobbed because her feet were soon going to be huge swollen platters that would only fit into Birkenstocks, and that alone, was reason enough to sob uncontrollably.

A gay man walking his Yorkie handed Mia a tissue. She thanked him and decided it was time to head home before the staff at Louboutin alerted the psych ward at Bellevue.

She tried making a mental list on the way home. Schooner was so good to her and so sweet to her and he was right, he always put her before himself. She thought back to what he was like even as a teen. He put his life on hold when she was attacked, taking over so that she could heal. He took over then, too. Why hadn’t she seen that this was his way?

She wondered if maybe she was the only thing he couldn’t control because they were both alphas? Could two alphas live together and complement one another without smothering or killing the other?

It was dusk by the time she reached her building, she knew that whatever their issues were, they needed to figure them out because she was not going to live without him again.

She entered the apartment and Schooner was sitting on the couch with blueprints spread out on the coffee table. He looked up at Mia, his expression unreadable.

“Sorry I didn’t call. I left my phone here,” she began.

“I know. I was worried,” his voice was terse.

Mia sat down next to him on the couch. “I should not have walked out. I’m sorry.”

He sighed. Head cocked to the side. “We haven’t really changed that much, have we. Our M.O.’s are pretty much the same.”

Mia was shaking her head, no.

“How can you say no, Mia? You just walked out.”

“I went out to think. You know that.”

“And?” His voice was clipped.

“And I thought a lot. I thought how little we know one another. I thought about how we knew one another for a short time, a long time ago. I thought about here we are involved in this big way and we’re having a baby together. I thought about the fact that I can’t buy Louboutin’s because I don’t know what size my feet will be after I have the baby. I cried in front of Christian Louboutin, Schooner!”

His eyes were wide and a little scared looking, as if he were pondering how to respond, knowing the slightest miscalculation could mean his head.

“That’s right, you should be looking at me like I’m a crazy pregnant woman, because I am a crazy pregnant woman. And you are making me crazier. I think we’re both alpha’s, Schooner and we need to figure out a way to live with that, because I refuse to lose you again.”

The impassive mask on his face cracked and the smile led all the way to his eyes. He opened his arms and Mia fell into them. He pulled her in tight, kissing the top of her head.

“You need to learn to let me take care of you, Baby Girl. You don’t have to be so tough all the time,” he tightened his arms around her, lips in her hair.

“Are you ready to take a look at your baby?” Gary asked an anxious Schooner and Mia. They both nodded, smiling. Schooner held tightly onto Mia’s hand.

“They need to come up with a warming version on that jelly.” Mia complained.

Gary started moving the wand over Mia’s now rounded belly. “I’m going to do a full ultrasound first, we’re going to take a lot of measurements today, then we’ll do the amnio and quad markers and then I’ll do another ultrasound after the amnio. You ready?” Mia nodded. “Ok, here we go.”

Within seconds, a 3-D image of a little head appeared on the screen. Mia heard a mewling sound come from her throat and felt the burning tears welling in her eyes. Schooner squeezed her hand tighter and she looked over at him. He was beaming at the screen. As Gary moved the wand down, they watched the heart beat. He slowly moved down the length of the fetus, down long legs to the feet.

“The baby is looking good. We’ve got ten fingers and ten toes. Size and development look on target for this age,” he smiled at Mia, “I’m going to do some measurements of the head and the brain, take multiple view shots of the heart, take full body measurements and long bone measurements. This is going to take a few minutes, so just enjoy your first home movie.”

“Look at that little nose and mouth.” Mia was bursting with joy. She felt Schooner’s lips on the back of her hand and turned toward him. His eyes were crinkled in the corners and tears streaked his face. “I love you.” Mia mouthed.

“Love you too, Baby Girl,” he whispered in her ear and kissed her temple.

“Looks like you’ve got a little thumb sucker.” Gary laughed as the baby moved its thumb to its mouth.

As the baby moved positions, Mia asked, “Ummm Gary, am I looking at some family jewels?”

He laughed, “You most certainly are.”

Mia looked up at Schooner, “We have a little show off! I can already see my little lady killer preening on the courts.” Schooner just stared at the screen, too moved to speak.

“The measurements all look good. Everything is developing right on schedule. Ok, let’s get ourselves ready here for the amnio. I’m going to put a little topical numbing cream on your stomach. What you’re going to feel is basically the pinch of a shot and then some pressure. The whole thing won’t take too long.”

Schooner sat down so that his head was next to Mia’s. “Look at me, Mia,” she looked at him, her head now turned away from the screen and from her stomach. He squeezed her hand. “You are doing so great, Baby Girl. I’m so proud of you,” she winced as the needle inserted and he kept talking, “Just a few days and we close on the beach house.” He brushed her bangs from her eyes. “I can’t wait to wake up to the view off of that deck. It’s going to be so relaxing just to be out there. Walk miles of beaches,” he leaned in and kissed her softly, “Barbeque at night. Get you to take it easy a little.”