Searching for Tomorrow (Tomorrows) (24 page)

“Heck yeah
, you need to focus on y’all. I’ve been saying that since you came to work for me.” Charlie laughs. “I’m really happy that you’ve made this decision. You know that I’m here for you and the girls if you ever need me. Stop in to see us once in a while.” His voice becomes muffled, and he says something I can’t understand. “Listen, the food truck just showed up, so I’ve got to go, but remember, Tripp would want you to be happy. Bye, now.”

With that,
he hangs up the phone, breaking our connection. That was certainly easier than I thought it would be, and now I can focus on more important things like the laundry and housework.

I spend a couple of
hours going back and forth between washing clothes, making beds, and cleaning bathrooms. When the last load is ready to come out of the dryer, I take the basket overflowing with all the clean clothes and separate them on my bed. By now, Blake Shelton is long gone, and Lonestar has taken his place. This group is near and dear to my heart because Tripp used to sing their songs to me. We even danced our first dance as husband and wife to “Amazed.” As I fold all the laundry, I catch myself singing softly along with the CD. When I’ve put all of the girls’ clothes away, I am faced with only my own, so I load them back in the basket and head to my closet. Just as I always do, while the light flickers and hums to life, I close my eyes and try to catch the scent of my Tripp. I know that the smell has long worn off after three years, but my heart and mind keep it alive.

When I open my eyes, the first thing I see is
the box that I received when I was given the news that he had been killed. Long ingrained instinct has me turning my eyes away, but this time, heartfelt curiosity has me looking back. It has been almost three years.

Three.

Very.

Long.

Years.

I don’t want to know what’s in it, but I NEED to know. With every fiber of my being, I need to know what’s in there.
Once again, I close my eyes, but this time, it’s to pray for strength. Not only the strength to open the box, but also the strength to accept things as they are so that my healing process can begin. If I am ever going to leave the mourning stage behind, I know that I will have to embrace the pain so that I can move forward to the next step in reclaiming my life.

The first step I take towards the box is hesitant, then with a firm resolve
, I cross the floor and reach high above me to jerk the box from where it’s sat and gathered dust over the years. As my legs tremble and my arms shake, I pull it close to my body and collapse to the floor. At first, I can only look at it, stare at it in trepidation. The unease that I am feeling is slowly swept away, replaced with something I can only describe as hope. The contents of this ordinary cardboard box will show me the last three months of Tripp’s life. The box itself is nothing special, but the contents are precious. With an eagerness that has sorely been lacking in recent years, I rip the dried, cracking tape off and go to lift the lid.

Ah, it smells like him.
Placed on the top is an envelope marked “Open me first” and it rests on top of a gray Army sweatshirt. Pushing the envelope aside, I snatch the sweatshirt up and bury my face in it. His clean scent still faintly lingers in the fabric, and it’s just as I’ve remembered. Without conscious thought, I slip my head and arms in it, hugging it close to my body. It’s almost as if he’s here once again holding me tightly against him. I pause to embrace the feelings that I always had when I was with him:  the love, the comfort, the joy. My quivering hands reach for the envelope, and carefully breaking the seal, I take out a letter. Seeing his messy scrawl across the paper, I laugh and remember all the times I teased him about his chicken scratch. Just the sight of it makes me eager to read what he’s written, and I carefully unfold the paper, his voice reading the words in my head.

My Beloved
Wrynn,

If you’re read
ing this, then you know that I am not coming home this time. I know that your heart is shattered into a million pieces and scattered in the wind. As I write this, I am broken. I know the pain that you are in, because I am feeling it right now. I am so very thankful that God placed you in my life. You have always been the other half of my heart, and mere words could never say just how precious you are to me.

You have blessed me in so many ways, but I am most thankful for the gift of my girls. Please tell my Annie how very proud I am of her. She has your loving spirit, and limitless heart. She will remember me the most, so please help her keep those memories alive. My Bekah is so little, but she has your joyful spirit. I pray that her joy remains, and that she will remember our short time
together. I grieve for never meeting my Maggie and the time that we will never have together. Tell her that I loved her before I even knew she existed.

Although I may not be with you physically, please know that I live on in the lives
of our three beautiful girls. When you kiss them goodnight, my lips will touch yours. When you hold them close, my arms will embrace you. The wind in your hair will be my fingers running through it. The warmth of the sun will be my love shining down. Every moment of every day, I will be there with you and our girls.

Always know that I have loved you with an everlasting love that knows no end. It will reach the end of time. Now
, dry your eyes, and know that this is not the end. I will see you again, but until then, keep living your life. Know that you have my blessing to search for happiness, to move forward, to live. Thank you so much for loving me and for sharing your life with me, for making me whole. You will always be my Wrynn. Until we meet again.

Yours forever,

Tripp 

When I look up from the note, my eyes scan the shelf where the box has rested for the past three years. I see the small wooden box that overflows with my letters from Tripp when he was in Basic Training. His words to me in the beginning. Emotions swirl in my head, colliding in a giant explosion. My eyes scan the letter in my hands again and I start to feel faint. Reality hits me. These are the last words that I will ever receive from him. Waves of pain wash over my heart, memories flash through my mind, and grief bubbles up from deep in my soul, threatening to overtake me. I struggle to bear the weight of the burden, and crumble to the floor, holding the precious words of my soul mate, my beloved, to my chest. My heart is beating frantically as the tears flow and the truth that I despise begins seeping in. The certainty that he is gone settles with a harsh impact, clashing violently with the illusion that he will return. As that fantasy shatters into a million pieces, I fight to release the hold that yesterday has on me, but am in no way ready to embrace what tomorrow will bring.

I
curl my body into a ball, and release all the hurt, the pain, the devastation of my loss, my shattered hopes, and dreams. I hear a noise at the back door, but my mind is so far entrenched in its battle that I don’t even attempt to get up from the floor. The sound of steps echo off the hardwood floors, and the vibration runs through my body. Someone is searching for me, but I can’t find the energy to reply. A familiar voice calls out. “Wrynn, love, where are you?” Just as a firm knock sounds on the bedroom door, I lose the struggle to remain conscious.

Tripp had passed Ranger School and finally received notice that he would be permanently stationed out of Fort Benning as part of the 3
rd
Battalion, 75
th
Ranger Regiment shortly before Annie was born. The day he and our friends received their Ranger Tabs was a time of great pride, but also the beginning of a time of uncertainty. The unit that he was assigned to cycled through as a Rapid Deployment Force (RDF) unit, which in essence meant that their company was ‘Wheels Up’ within twenty-four of notification. In wife terms, that meant that Tripp had to be ready to drop everything and leave at a moment’s notice. Due to the nature of his missions, he didn’t know where he was going until he was en route, didn’t know when he would be home, and when he did return, he couldn’t tell me where he’d been or what he’d done. Hence, the time of uncertainty.

Life after Annie
’s birth never once seemed to slow down. After taking a year off to spend with my little family, I decided to continue my classes at the local college, and in May 2005, I graduated with my Associates Degree in Early Childhood Education. At the time of my graduation ceremony, Tripp was once again on deployment, but Lori and Tiffany came to share the day with Annie, my family, and me. It was an amazing celebration, but with part of my heart missing, I caught myself feeling a little down at certain moments. As I looked at the amazing people that surrounded and supported me, the little gray cloud lifted away.

Tripp’s grandparents weren’t able to be with us because
Nana had been admitted to the hospital that morning. Saddened by the news, I made plans to leave at the same time my family left, so I could go visit with Papa in Smyrna and help him out for a few days. As I packed a bag for Annie and myself, Dad loaded all the miscellaneous baby equipment into my car so that when I finished, we would be ready to hit the road. Because he knew that I would be traveling back and forth to my parents while he was gone, Tripp had insisted that I get a cell phone, so as I walked out the door, I remembered to grab it and the charger.

Liam
drove my car, and as the miles ticked behind us, he and I caught up on all the things I’d missed. It felt good to spend some time with him, because even though I tried to come home every other month, Liam was still in college, and his job and the sports he played kept him there most of the time. When I touched on girls and dating, he gave me a mean look and told me to move on to something else. I almost asked him about Lara, but ever since she’d literally disappeared on him, Liam had never been the same. He still joked around, and was pleasant and polite, but with his spirit crushed, the light in his eyes had dimmed. For months, he turned over every stone to find her, but with no leads to follow as to where she’d gone, he finally gave up looking. I hated knowing that it still hurt him after all this time. I knew that losing Tripp would leave me devastated, so I could understand why Liam felt this way.

By the time we pulled up to the hospital,
Liam was still sulking, and Annie let me know that she was hungry. Since I hoped to spend some time with Nana before heading to the house, I had thought ahead and packed plenty of snacks. We met Mom and Dad at the entrance, and when we stopped to identify ourselves as family, and ask for Nana’s room number, the receptionist informed us that her transfer to the Intensive Care Unit was still in process, and that we should go to the family waiting area for further news.

After making our way through the maze of hallways, we found Papa in the waiting room anxiously pacing back and forth along the worn carpet. When he heard Annie’s excited ‘Papa’, he turned to us with a cautious smile in place. As Annie broke loose from my hold on her hand, and ran towards him, he carefully dropped to one knee, and wrapped his arms snugly around her little body. Tears seeped from the corners of his closed eyes as he held her in his embrace.

I slowly walked over, and, laid a gentle hand on his head. “What happened, Papa? When I talked to you yesterday, you said she had a cold.”

When he opened his eyes, the pain and fear he felt inside showed the seriousness of her illness. “I couldn’t wake her up this morning, and when I touched her face, she was burning up. I called 911, and when we got here, the doctor in the ER immediately sent her for X-rays. Everything happened so fast, and now I’m
just waiting to hear what’s going on with her.”

Liam
came over, picked up a squirming Annie, and then helped a shaken Papa back to his feet. “If y’all don’t mind, I’m going to take this munchkin to the house and get her settled while y’all wait for answers.” Liam placed his arm around my shoulder, and pulled me into his side. “I’m here as long as you need me, Wrynn. Just say the word.”

After kissing my baby girl goodbye, I took Papa’s hand and led him over to the chairs so that he could rest while he waited. Mom and Dad joined us in quiet conversation as the minutes ticked by.

Several hours had passed when a doctor finally came to speak with us. After explaining the course of treatment for the pneumonia, he then went on to tell us that
fluid has gathered around her heart, and Nana’s kidneys were failing. Her Creatinine level was more than double, and her Blood Urea Nitrogen was more than triple normal levels. Because of her age, the impending renal failure, and the advanced pneumonia, the staff was doing everything within their power to keep her comfortable, but the outcome was not promising. If she improved after a few days, the doctor would prep her for dialysis, but he clearly stated that he didn’t believe that was going to happen. After dropping that bomb on us, he made his apologies, and quickly left us to our scrambled thoughts.

As we sat in stunned silence, the thought hit me that Tripp needed to tell his nana goodbye.
Having been gone for twelve weeks already, I knew that he should be home soon. I could only pray that Nana held on until Tripp could get here. I quietly told the others what I was doing, and then stepped out of the room to call Lori with the news. She promised to find Tripp as soon as they landed, and in the meantime, she would notify the Commanding Officer of the circumstances.

Unfortunately, time was not on our side. Early the next morning, Nana slipped into
a coma, and several hours later, she passed away. The fluid surrounding her heart had exerted enough pressure to stop its beating. Papa was holding her hand when it happened, and as he gave her one final kiss, the tears from his eyes landed and rolled down her cheeks. After sixty years together, his soul mate had left him. Gone was the strong, vivacious man we all knew, and in his place was a somber, broken shell.

Mom, Dad, and Liam
stayed on in Smyrna to help with the funeral arrangements, and the following Tuesday afternoon, we laid to rest a vital piece of our family. Gone were her bubbly spirit, the encouraging words, and the helping hands. In their place were the memories of a woman who loved with every fiber in her being. After the minister finished the service, we said our goodbyes, and waited patiently for Papa to say his. The somber mood followed us back to the house where we talked about nothing and everything. We decided that Annie and I would remain for a few more days, and after that, Mom and Dad would take Papa with them back to Highlands until Tripp came home.

While we sat talking,
Papa quietly slipped away. When I finally noticed that he was gone, I went in search of him. As I neared his room at the end of the hall, a faint voice carried down to me. Pushing the door open, the sight that greeted me brought tears to my eyes. Papa and Annie were snuggled together under a quilt on the bed, and he was telling her all about the Nana who loved her. With eyes half-closed in sleep, and thumb tucked in her mouth, she seemed content to just lay there and listen to his stories. Refusing to disturb such a peaceful, healing scene, I quietly backed out of the room. This came to be a familiar occurrence in the days ahead, and laid the groundwork for a beautiful, close relationship between those two. An unbreakable bond they would share forever.

When Tripp finally made it home, it was near the end of June.
Because of the nature of his job, he could share very little detail about what he’d done, and he rarely told me where he’d been. Whatever happened on this last mission made him moody, irritable, and snappy, and my only thought was that it had to have been bad. After hearing about his nana’s passing, Tripp became distant, and for the first time, I didn’t know what to say or do to help him. Several weeks later, he finally opened up, and told me about the things that had gone wrong. Somehow, his unit had become separated, and two of his men were captured and injured before they could be rescued. He took this as a personal failure, and adding his nana’s death into the equation, he just needed some time to get his head on straight. When I suggested getting away for a few days, he thought it was a great idea, and put his request in right away.

Tripp
managed to get a five-day pass, so we loaded up the truck and headed home to Highlands. On our way there, we stopped and picked up Papa so that they could spend some time together. Because of Tripp’s latest deployment, it had been months since they’d seen each other, and it was a bittersweet reunion. Without Nana there, a huge piece of our puzzle was missing, but Tripp and Papa had a wonderful time looking through photos, reading letters she’d sent Tripp, and reminiscing about the beautiful person that she had been.

On our last night
home, we ate supper at Mom and Dad’s house, and when it came time for dessert, Papa made the announcement that Nana’s estate had been settled, and divided according to her will. We should have known something was up because Papa had a twinkle in his eyes that had been missing since Nana had passed. He handed an envelope to Dad, and one to Tripp, and then sat quietly while they opened them. To say we were surprised would have been a gross understatement. Nana had left a nice financial gift for my parents, along with a beautiful letter thanking them for loving and caring for Tripp as their own, and allowing her to be a second mom to my parents. The staggering news though, was that all the stocks, bonds, and the remainder of her assets went to Tripp and me. If invested and spent wisely, Tripp and I would be more than comfortable for the rest of our lives. Nana’s final gift to us was more than we’d ever dreamed.

When we tried to argue with Papa, he set us
straight in a New York minute. Everything she had left us was what she’d brought into their marriage, and it didn’t begin to compare with what he still had. Charitable donations were the only things that Nana had used any of the money for, and she had chosen her latest charity, the Wounded Warrior Project, when Tripp had joined the Army. The decision for us to continue her support was an easy one, especially since Tripp personally knew a few soldiers who’d benefited from this organization. The knowledge that we could give back to others in her memory was both exciting and daunting. She’d left big shoes to fill, and as we left for home, we were determined to take our time making any decisions, and hoped that the choices we made were wise ones.

We had little trouble convincing Papa to come stay with us for a few days. Being alone was not an easy adjustment for him,
and besides, Annie had him wrapped so tightly around her little finger that he would do just about anything to spend more time with her. Lively conversation filled most of our drive back to Fort Benning as Papa discussed his days with Nana. When he got quiet, I looked back to see him holding Annie’s hand, and both of them were sound asleep. Since we weren’t far from home, I took advantage of the moment, and snuggled next to Tripp on the front seat. I was more than prepared to enjoy the peace of the moment after a busy visit, but that just wasn’t meant to be.

Tripp put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me tighter into his side. “Babe, Mother came by to visit while you and Mom were at the grocery store.
”

This news surprised me. Though we’d left numerous messages for her, we hadn’t heard a peep from her since
she came to the hospital when Annie was born. We’d even invited her to supper at my parents’ house tonight, but she never even responded to that. “That’s weird. What’d she want?”

“It
was
weird. She knocked on the door, but refused to come inside, and when I came out on the porch, she was all jumpy-like. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she was nervous, but we both know she’s not scared of anything.” Tripp looked over my head into the backseat, and smiled at the sweet scene that greeted him. “Good, he’s sound asleep. Anyhow, she wanted to make sure that her information about Nana’s passing was ‘accurate’, as she put it. When she started asking me questions about the will, I told her I had no idea, that I hadn’t even given it a thought. She accused me of lying, and ‘withholding information’. Those were her exact words. What the heck?”