Second Chances (105 page)

A combination of hurt and anger coursed through Sarah.  “In case you have forgotten, I’m still married,” she said through gritted teeth.  “Not only that.  Josh is still living with me.  We have a daughter to consider.  And
...”  She didn’t know what else to add.   She was in a turmoil and felt utterly incapable of putting words to her conflicting emotions.   

“And you are afraid of your feelings.  You run from them, rather than explore them,” her mother commented widely.  “The breakup with Josh has you questioning your judgment.  You have spent all your adult life with him, but he betrayed you.  How could you trust another man?”  Anna walked to where Sarah stood and ran a hand over her daughter’s arm.  When she spoke again her words were a whisper.  “Brian is no ordinary man.  You are no ordinary woman.  Love is always a risk.  Trust can be broken.  Hearts will mend.  Your happiness depends on it.”  Sarah’s eyes welled up with tears.  “Take a chance, Sarah,” her mother urged.

That night Sarah stayed outside late into the night, swaying gently on her porch swing.  Out in the clean air, lulled by the distant sound of the lake washing up against the shore, she always found this perfect calm.  It was the ideal environment for pondering life’s questions, seeking solutions.  Everything would quickly come as clear as the starry sky above her.  She sipped hot tea and imagined the various scenarios.

She was content the way things were.  If she made no choice, enacted no change in the relationship what might happen?  She imagined a world where she and Brian shared everything as they did now, but she saw him growing impatient.  He wanted a family.  Other women desired his time and attention.  Eventually someone would win out, and Sarah would be put aside.  Never would she be out of the picture entirely, of course.  They would remain companions at work, but the dinner dates would dwindle, the affection would cease, and the nights of sweet dreams in his strong arms would be non-existent.  She hugged herself tightly as she was consumed with a sense of dread.  Sarah couldn’t live with that possibility.

But what if they dated?  She concentrated to conjure up what that would be like.  It looked like the relationship they had now, only more intimate.  She saw nights filled with passion, fueled with mutual desire.  She saw herself laughing and happy. Chloe was part of this life.  Together they were a family.  Sarah saw the possibility of marriage in their future, and even more children.  She sighed.  It would be just what she had hoped for all of her life.  It seemed so clear, so obvious.  Sarah couldn’t help but wonder what had caused her to dread this to fight it for so long.  And in an instant, she realized that she wasn’t afraid.

It would be different between them now.  She would stop pushing him away, stop fighting his advances.  She would see where love would lead her without fear.  And with that settled, she wandered upstairs to climb into her cool sheets for a restful night’s sleep.

Every day Sarah left for work with a light heart.  She eagerly anticipated the next move Brian might make.  She could sit back and wait, knowing that she was ready.  This day was particularly exciting.  She grabbed her overnight bag and headed for the door after kissing Chloe goodbye and reminding Josh to drop his daughter off at her grandmother’s before he went to work. 

He was in a foul mood, probably because she was so happy.  And Sarah was too excited to care about that.  Tonight, after they returned from their day trip to Canada, she was spending the night at Brian’s.  He had finally mentioned it, casually, over lunch the previous day.

“We’re getting back so late tomorrow,” he had begun.  “It’s too bad that you can’t stay with me so that you don’t have to drive home.  I hate to think of you on those windy roads when I know you’ll be tired.”  He had returned his attention to his sandwich, and tried to act as though he meant nothing by his comment.

Sarah saw right through him.  Her heart gave an extra robust thump behind her breast bone, and she said, in the same way one might comment on the weather, “Fine.  I’ll stay over.”  She picked up her glass and had a sip of iced tea, turning so as not to see the look of surprise on his face.  They both knew that tomorrow night would be different.

It was all they could do to make it through the day, concentrate on their duties.  At last, they loaded the students on the bus to go home.  Evan offered Sarah a seat next to him, but she said casually, “I think I’ll sit with your professor.  We have a lot to talk about.”  Her emerald eyes sparkled as she said that.  She could scarcely hide her excitement.

All day, Brian had grazed her hand or wrapped an arm affectionately around her shoulders as they toured the Canadian city.  She tried to behave as though it was normal, but each touch made her tingle.  And Evan had noticed everything.  There were many girls on the bus that were vying for his attention, but he was barely friendly, bordering on distant.  He tried to play it off as though he was lost in his thoughts.  In truth, he was.  He was trying to figure out how he was going to get some time alone with her.  It obviously wouldn’t happen on this trip, probably not on the next one either, but maybe afterward?

A smile crept across Evan’s face as he stared out the window and planned for the last day of school.  The more he pondered, the more he managed to convince himself that his plan would work.  All that time and effort would pay off.  He laid his head back on the seat and slept the rest of the way back to campus.

Evan wasn’t the only one sleeping.  Sarah had yawned once or twice when the bus began to move.  Brian saw how worn out she was.  He knew why.  It was more than the travel, the sight seeing, or the preparation it had taken to get here.  He knew she was emotionally drained.  All day she had been wired.  She had felt everything so intensely.  He wondered how she could possibly be so alert and sensitive all day.  Now he had his answer.  Those feelings had taken their toll.

“Rest, Sarah,” he murmured, wrapping an arm around her.

She shook her head.  “I don’t want to miss one minute of this,” she argued.

“Just take a nap now so that we can spend some time together later.  We won’t be home for two hours at least.”  His eyes bore into her.  She wanted to get lost in them.

“Fine,” she said quietly.  “I’ll sleep, but only if you promise that you’ll wake me so we can be together later.”

He offered her a pinky.  They made their bond together.  And Sarah snuggled in and slept. 

As they neared the campus, Brian woke her.  He knew she wouldn’t want to be caught asleep in his arms by the students as they exited the bus.  He could hear much chatter in the back as they pulled into the parking lot at Sibley Hall.  He turned to see what the commotion was about.

“So, care to join us?”  One of the females asked.

“Join you?”  Brian questioned.

“Yeah.  It’s ladies’ night.  We thought we might all go out for drinks.”  There were numerous pairs of expectant eyes anxiously waiting for his response.

“Oh, no.  At my age I need all the sleep I can get.  We still have class tomorrow.”  He smiled and turned toward the front again.

“And what about you, Professor White?”  Evan asked this time, having woken up a few minutes previous.

“Oh, I have an even earlier class I’m afraid.”  She and Brian exchanged smiles.  From the new noise in the back, she guessed the students were speculating over whether or not the two adults were going off together.  That question was answered when they sped off in Brian’s car.  Evan didn’t even try to conceal his scowl.

Stopping abruptly before the mill, Brian said quietly, “Well, here we are.”  Sarah shivered a bit, more from anticipation than cold.  He noticed, but mistaking the body language, he rushed around to the side of the car to open her door. “We’ll get you warmed up,” he mumbled, rubbing his hands briskly up and down her arms as he hustled her into his apartment, which in reality only compounded the problem.  She was entirely too sensitive to his touch.

He dropped Sarah’s bag just inside the door, turned her to face him and asked, “Would you like me to start a fire tonight?”

She shook her head shyly.