Second Chances (90 page)

Sarah stirred some.  “You’re a good friend, Brian,” she mumbled then rolled over and fell asleep.

A good friend. 
The words stung.  His heart ached for her, for what he saw and felt.  Sarah deserved to be loved and cherished.  And he longed to be the man who gave her what she deserved.  After staring at her sleeping form a moment more, he tore himself away and went to sleep on the cool leather couch.

They barely spoke at the college that day.  Sarah was preoccupied with what she would find once she made it home.  But nothing could have prepared her for her arrival.  She pulled up the curvy, pebbled drive to her farmhouse and saw not one, but two cars parked there. 

Chloe would be home from school in an hour, so she assumed that this would be Josh and a friend to help him move.  Instead she was only partially correct.  Josh was there, but the other vehicle apparently belonged to Tessa.  Sarah froze in the foyer when she saw them both sitting on the couch watching TV.  Apparently now that the secret had been revealed, Josh no longer felt compelled to hide his relationship from Sarah, and had taken to flaunting it instead.  They glanced up at her.  Though she did her best to appear calm, Tessa looked like a frightened rabbit, like a frightened baby rabbit.  She couldn’t be more than nineteen.

“What are you doing here?”  Sarah asked angrily, hands clenched at her sides.

Josh lazily looked up again, as though trying to make a point in front of his little nymphet.  He stretched and threw an arm around Tessa.  “I live here,” he said simply.

Sarah spoke only two words.  “Kitchen.  Now.”  She marched through the foyer into the massive kitchen, found the farthest corner of the room and braced herself against the counter.

Josh took his time in meeting her.  Just as he reached the kitchen, Tessa called from the foyer.  “I’ll come back later, Josh.”  It was obvious that she was trying to sound cheerful and self-assured, but Sarah saw through her immediately.

She stormed past Josh, and met Tessa at the front door.  “No, you won’t,” she said determinedly.  Tessa opened her mouth about to protest, but Sarah put her finger up as though she were conducting a rowdy class.  “You are not welcome here, and neither is he.”  She jerked a thumb over her shoulder toward Josh.  “You are not to darken my door again.  Is that understood?”  Tessa attempted to look past Sarah to seek guidance or assurance from Josh, but received neither.  “I’m sorry?”  Sarah was relentless.  “Was I unclear?  Did you not understand the question?  Let me simplify it for you.  Under no circumstances are you to
ever
be in my house again.  Not in my presence, not in my absence.  Now are we clear?”

Tessa’s eyes were watering, threatening to spill over.  She sniffled once, loudly, and nodded.  “I...”

With a wave, Sarah dismissed her.  “Good, now go.”  And Tessa scampered out the door while Sarah brusquely shut it behind her.  She brushed her hands off as though they were dirty.  Turning, she looked at Josh, still full of fury and wrath.  “Well, I guess we can have our little talk right here then can’t we?”

He looked almost bored.  He had seen Sarah angry on more than one occasion, each time at him.  He smirked and said, “Okay.  You made your point.  I won’t invite her over.”  Josh spun on his heels and walked into the living room, plunked down onto the couch, and grabbed the remote, determined to watch some television.

“Wait,” she began.  “I’m confused.  Why are you still here?”

He glanced at her as though she were an imbecile.  “I live here,” he said slowly.

“Oh, no.  No you don’t.  See, you used to live here, but then you tried to play hide ol’ one eye with Tessa and forfeited that right.  Now you need to find some other place to live, some other fool to take you in. 
We are through
.”  She put special emphasis on the last three words.

“I don’t have anywhere else to go.  If you give me six months...”

“Six months!”  Sarah roared.  “I’ve given you nine years, the last seven of which were often torture.  If you hadn’t been an idiot, you wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“No, listen.  Six months and I will have my own place.”

“Go live with Tessa,” she said resolutely.

“Tessa still lives with her parents.”

“Then go beg your future in-laws.  I’m sure a thirty-year old moderately successful man eager to create another illegitimate grandchild with their daughter will make a fabulous first impression.  I’m sure they’ll take you right in.”  She plunked down in the chair adjacent to the couch.

He took a deep breath to express his growing impatience with having to explain his situation to her.  “Tessa and her parents live in a little three bedroom trailer.  They really don’t have room for me.  Just give me six months.  It will save you money.”

Sarah arched her eyebrow.  She hadn’t considered the new expenses that would be incurred once Josh actually moved out.  “How?”  She queried wearily, weakening slightly.

“I will pay rent.  I will help out around here.  You won’t have to pay before school care costs.”  He was reaching now, since he had never helped out previously.

She felt herself caving and sighed.  “We would need some ground rules.”

He flexed his fingers.  “Okay.  Let’s discuss the rules.”

“She can’t be here.  Ever.  That is rule number one.”  She raised her finger to count off.

Josh crossed his arms over his chest.  “Then you can’t ever have a man over.”

“Oh, sure.  That’s fair.  Then I’ll never date.”  She crossed her arms angrily over her chest.

He shrugged.  “You can go out.  You can get a sitter.”

Eyes narrowed, Sarah relented.  “Fine.  Rule number two is that you sleep in the spare room.”

He sighed.  “Okay.”

Her eyes widened in surprise.  “Did you really think I’d let you back in my bed?”  He just stared at her.  “Huh, I guess you did.”  Sarah was flustered and nearly at a loss for words.  She decided to finalize the conversation while she still had the upper hand.  “Let’s agree to adjust and add rules as necessary.”  She leaned over and stared at him intently.  “Now let’s talk money.”

They spent the next thirty minutes whittling away at the agreements, deciding who would be responsible for which aspects of their new relationship.  The discussion might have gone on longer, if Chloe hadn’t marched in the door from school and asked for a snack.  Josh took that as his cue to leave for work.  He gave Chloe a kiss and started to walk over to Sarah.

“Don’t even think of it,” she said with a look of utter revulsion.

“For Chloe,” he pleaded.

“I’m already doing enough for Chloe.  Maybe
you
should have thought of her a little more, huh?”  Her eyes narrowed and she turned and marched up the stairs.  Seconds later the door closed and a new chapter of her life began.

Moments later the phone rang.  Brian’s voice was full of concern as they spoke.  “I was wondering how you were.  I didn’t know if Josh had moved out or if you had even seen him...” He paused to give her a chance to fill him in.

“Well, actually, he’s not leaving,” she said quietly.

She heard a sigh of disgust on the other end of the line.  “Don’t tell me you’re taking him back.”

“Okay.  I’m not, but he is going to continue to live here for six months.”  She explained the agreement that they had made. 

Brian didn’t sound any happier after some explanation.  “You can’t have men over?”

She laughed.  “Don’t worry.  You don’t count.”

“Excuse me?  Why not?”  He sounded confused and maybe even a bit offended.

“You’re my friend and colleague.  That’s different.”  She was feeling better than when they first began speaking.

“Oh.  Yeah.”  Again he was being reminded of the nature of their relationship.

The conversation seemed to drag after that and they ended the phone call. 
Brian is so strange sometimes,
she thought.  She hung up the phone on the nightstand and marched over to the closet.  She wasn’t taking any chances.  Josh would have no excuse to come into her room late at night.  She spent the next forty-five minutes moving all of his clothes, toiletries, and personal items from what she now considered her space.  Sarah moved his shower supplies into the hall bathroom, and piled all of his clothes on the bed in the spare room.  She contemplated hanging them up for him, but decided he was lucky to not find them on the front lawn being treated as a mock funeral pyre in honor of the death of their marriage and left them where they were.

Late that night, after Chloe was asleep and she could find no other excuses to stay up, Sarah slowly entered her bedroom.  Emptying the room of any trace of Josh had given her such pleasure in the light of day, but now, as she glanced around the room seemed much lonelier, barren even.  She had spent years going to bed alone.  She was used to all the quiet.  She had relished being able to take up all the space she wanted in bed.  Yet tonight it felt different and she knew why.  It was different when someone was expected later. 
It’s not as lonely when you know you won’t always be alone,
Sarah thought.  But since she didn’t know if she wouldn’t always be alone, she curled up in her bed and felt the first warm salty tears she had permitted herself to shed hit the pillow with a hollow, rhythmic plunk.

Her head hurt in the morning.  That’s why she didn’t cry herself to sleep often.  She knew that in the morning she would awaken with her head in a fog, red swollen eyes, and a pounding headache.  She glanced into the spare room, but the bed didn’t appear to have been slept in.  The clothes were as she left them.  She moved down the stairs, and found Josh taking off his shoes in the foyer.

“You’re home late,” she said irritably, “or should we consider it early?”

“The baby was sick.  Tessa needed me to go to the hospital with her.”  He yawned even as he spoke.

Sarah could feel the heat rise in her face.  She looked at him for a moment, almost thought better of it, and spoke anyway.  “Is it your baby?”  She knew the answer, but wanted to hear him respond.

“No, it’s not my baby,” he sneered.

“Oh, well then I guess you just take better care of other people’s babies?”  She spat as she stomped into the kitchen.

He followed her in, trying to show his anger in his step, but he was no match for her in her bare feet.  “What are you talking about?”  He demanded, grabbing her shoulder and whipping her around to face him.

“I’m talking about the winter Chloe was three.”  She glared at him, willing the tears back into their ducts.

“What about it?”  He seemed to be genuinely clueless.

Sarah could hold back no longer.  She burst into tears.  Tears streamed down her face and she nearly shook from her efforts to keep from sobbing.  “She must have had ten croup attacks that winter, and every time I had to go to that emergency room in the middle of the night all by myself.  You could never be troubled to accompany us.  You said it was a one person job and that if I was going, you didn’t need to be there, too.”  She could control her emotions no longer and instead started sobbing, tears filled with anger, jealousy, and hurt poured out of her.  He moved toward her, reached out to her.  Josh wrapped his arms around her, trying to still the sobs racking her small frame.  She wouldn’t let him off that easily.  She pounded on his chest with both her fists.  “Stop it!”  She screamed between sobs.  “Let me go!  Leave me alone!”

He shrugged his shoulders, gave up and began to walk away.  Sarah pulled out a chair and sat.  Her face in her hands, she wiped away her tears, swiped at her nose, and yelled once more.  “All these years and you’ve never done that for us, your own daughter, your wife!”  She laid her head down on her arms and sobbed.  Her throat hurt.  She felt worse than she had when she awoke, if it were possible.

“She needs me.  She’s not like you,” he mumbled.  He was standing in the doorway, his hands in his pockets.

Sarah lifted her head slowly.  “What?”  Her tears stopped suddenly, but she still battled a runny nose.

“She needs me.  You could always take care of yourself, Chloe, everyone and everything.  You never needed me.”  He stared at the ground, unable to face her.

“What are you talking about?  How can you say that?”  She stood up from the table now and walked towards him.  “I
had
to be self-sufficient.  I
had
to be independent. 
You
were never here.  I never knew where you were or when you were going to be home.  I had to learn how to handle
everything
.  How dare you desert me and then blame me for surviving it!  How dare you!”  She rushed past him, up the stairs and slammed the door to her room.

Sarah paced for a moment, trying to work out her anger.  Unable to figure out how to release all the tension that was building in her, she made the bed, picked out her clothes, and took a long hot shower.  She let the showerhead soothe the taut muscles in her neck.  She rubbed on a facial mask and leaned back onto her pillows with some eye pads that were supposed to work wonders on puffiness.  She was definitely putting their advertisement to the test today.  If they worked, she vowed to send a testimonial to the company.  Sarah even planned it out.

Dear Sirs:

After a lengthy fight with my soon to be ex-husband over his teenage lover and the favoritism he shows her, my eyes were red and puffy.  After fifteen minutes with your product, however, I was fit to rejoin the human race.

Sincerely, Sarah White

Filled with hope she felt her way to the bathroom, washed off the mask, uncovered her eyes, and after blotting gently with a fresh hand towel, she took a first look at the results...and reached for the Visine. 
Damn false advertising,
she cursed.  She threw on her clothes, grabbed her purse, tote bag, and keys, then kissed Chloe while she slept and walked out the front door.

She drove like a woman possessed until she found the nearest Starbucks.  The line was short, which worked nicely since she was short on patience and her day had scarcely begun.  She ordered a venti hot chocolate, a chocolate cheesecake muffin, and struggled to remember Brian’s favorite drink.  She would feel terrible walking into the college without something for him.  At first Sarah could merely sense the eyes of all the anxious customers behind her boring into her back as she studied the extensive list of drinks offered, then they grew mildly annoyed.  Just as they reached full-blown irritation, a voice spoke out from the back of the line.  “He likes the Chai tea with foamed soy milk.”

Sarah turned and snapped, “How would you know?”  Then she blushed as Brian walked over to her.

“Sorry,” she mumbled a few short minutes later as they collected their drinks.

“Oh, honey, you shouldn’t have,” he joked as he took his first sip.  He directed her to a vacant table near the fireplace.  She looked unconvinced.  “Come on.  We have time.  We were both going to be dreadfully early anyway. 
Please
.”  He drew the ‘please’ out for about ten syllables and she couldn’t help but give in.

Brian had been watching her pick at her muffin and savor her hot chocolate.  All the while he felt as though she were putting up a facade.  He stared intently for a moment, letting his eyes linger over her raven colored hair that was once again pulled into a ponytail, her normally sparkling emerald eyes were downcast and…puffy?  He closed his eyes for the briefest moment, allowing himself to truly feel her, absorb her pain.  It hit him immediately, like a giant fist to his chest.  Acting purely on instinct, he then reached over and grabbed her hand.  “You’ve been crying,” Brian announced solemnly.

She sighed.  “I thought I covered it better, but I guess there’s no fooling you,” Sarah replied with a slightly mocking tone.  The pain from the morning’s fight was still close to the surface.  In retelling the tale she knew he wanted to hear, she had to pause frequently to keep from crying again.  All the while Brian stared at her with a thoughtful look in his stormy sea colored eyes.  “I guess he loves her.  He must.  And I guess I just hurt because I feel like he must never have loved me like that.”  She took a long gulp of her drink and waited for the warmth to spread.

Finally, Brian spoke.  “A man like Josh will never love anyone like Tessa for long,” he predicted.  Sarah wanted an explanation and knew that if she waited long enough, patiently enough, he would give her one.  “Everyone wants to feel needed once in a while,” he began wisely, “but Josh will grow tired when the charm of it wears off and the burden of it grows.  From what you’ve told me, she can’t make a decision or do anything alone.  She probably latched onto him to be the replacement father figure for both herself and her child.”