Second to No One (14 page)

“Me either. I still don’t know what she’s talking about though. She said all this stuff about something in my life making my work extraordinary. She’s kind of crazy, right? I mean, I like her. But she’s a little off.”

Jess rested his head against the chair. “Maybe a little. But there is something different about you lately, and I don’t just mean the photographs.”

I looked out the window at the black and swirling snow. “I’m just over it, you know? The whole thing. Friends, school, dating. Maybe being grounded has given me a little perspective.”

“So you and Trace…?”

“No,” I said softly. “There’s no me and Trace. But I’m glad. I need a break from guys for a while. I need to clear my head.”

“So, Jess.” Bridget’s voice was loud and abrupt, and her head was suddenly between our shoulders. She took her buds out of her ears. “Have you started applying to colleges yet?”

“Not really. I still have another year.”

“Whatever you do, don’t apply to WCU.”

I couldn’t help but sink into my chair. WCU—Western Carolina University—was the only notable university within a hundred miles of Franklin. Yes, I wanted a break from guys for a while. But a permanent break from Jess was a depressing thought. True, we hardly talked anymore, but having him go to college in a whole other city would be agonizing. “If you want to stay in the Carolinas,” Bridget continued, “you have to get into Wake Forest or North Carolina State. But if you ask me, you’d do better getting as far away from here as you can.”

Jess was deep in thought as he listened to Bridget’s advice and watched the neon road signs in front of him. “You know, I haven’t made any firm decisions,” he started. “But I was thinking of just getting my associates at Southwestern and then looking into Wake Forest later.”

“Southwestern?” Bridget said with as much disgust as she could possibly convey. “Here in Franklin? Jess, you are so much better than that. You need to get out in the real world and discover who you really are. If you stay in Franklin, then Franklin is all you’ll have to measure up against. You won’t be able to reach your full potential.”

“It would just be for a couple years,” Jess said, but he lacked confidence. “It’s kind of a rough time right now with my family. I think it would be good if I stuck around for a while.” Jess tightened his grip on the steering wheel and stole a quick glance at me.

“Your family is fine, Jess. They can’t lean on you forever. You need to live your life. You need to think about yourself for once.”

Jess didn’t answer. He just looked straight ahead at the lights on the road. I too remained silent. Why was I so upset at the idea of him leaving? Why did it even matter? We weren’t friends, and we obviously weren’t anything more than friends. So why was it crushing me to think about him leaving? The rest of the trip was silent as we exited the highway, made a right turn and then a left, and entered the hospital parking lot. Jess dropped Bridget and me off at the door while he went to park. A nurse directed us to my dad’s room, and when we opened the door, it took me a second to recognize the person in the bed as my dad. His eyes were closed, and he had tubes running up into his nose and needles stuck in his arms, leaving heavy blue bruises where he had been poked and prodded. He looked so skinny and frail. It had only been a few hours since we were last playing Monopoly, and he was happily counting the money he had taken from me when I landed on Boardwalk. Now he looked lifeless, though upon close examination I could see that his chest was slowing moving. He was still breathing, that was all that mattered.

Bridget left to go find mom, and I took a seat on the red couch that was located at the foot of Dad’s bed. I watched him carefully as he breathed slowly in and out, the machines calculating every movement. He seemed to be resting peacefully though the expression on his face as he slept was pained.

Moments later his eyes fluttered open. They caught hold of mine, and he attempted a wincing smile. “Gemma,” he said without moving his lips. He took in a deep breath and smiled again.

I stood up and walked to the side of his bed. I sat down on the edge and rested my hand on his. I was surprised how wrinkly it felt between my fingers. “What happened, Dad? Why are you in here?”

I didn’t know if he was capable of telling me that, or even if he knew that much, but I had to try to find out how bad it was.

Dad laughed slightly before coughing into his limp hand. “I really don’t know. I was standing at the reception desk next to your mother. The nurse was going through our paperwork. The next thing I remember, I was lying flat on my back with three paramedics standing over me, getting ready to lift me onto a gurney.”

“You passed out.”

“I guess.” Dad smiled again as though he was amused by it.

“How long do you have to be in here?”

“I just talked to the doctor,” Mom’s voice echoed in the room as she stepped through the door with Bridget and Jesse following closely behind her. “He wants to keep you here at least until tomorrow.”

“But he’s going to be okay.” I wasn’t asking it, I was demanding it.

“He’s stable,” Mom said, but I wasn’t convinced. “His kidneys aren’t working the way that they should, but the medication is helping.” She smiled, but it was forced. Behind her eyes was anxiety and fear that we were all feeling in the pit of our stomachs. Mom looked at me with distant eyes. “I’m sorry now that I told you to come here. You might as well head back home and get some sleep.”

“Why did you tell us to come here?” Bridget stepped further into the small room and folded her arms tightly around her ribs. “I mean, why are you sorry that you asked us to come? What changed?” Bridget’s accusatory tone made my hair stand on end. I came here expecting the worst, but she seemed surprised, somehow, that the situation could be this bad. I realized then how much worse my dad had gotten over the past three months since she’d left for college. I saw him every day. I watched him grow weaker and more pale every morning that we woke up. I think subconsciously I was accepting what was happening. Bridget didn’t have that luxury.

“Well, he’s stable now.” Mom seemed to be in a daze as she spoke. She was watching Dad tenderly as though he were her little boy. “When I called you…” her words trailed off as her eyes scanned my dad’s bruises and withered skin. She looked up at me still sitting on the opposite side of the bed. “When I called you, we weren’t sure. I wanted you to be able to see him.”

“One last time.” I completed the sentence I knew she meant to say.

Tears began forming in her eyes as she shook her head. “No,” she spoke defiantly. “Your father is too strong for that.” She looked back at Dad and spoke with fierceness in her voice, “You’re too strong for that. You won’t leave me here, will you?”

My dad gently rubbed her hand that was gripping the bar lining his bed. “I’ll always be here, honey. Always.”

She breathed a sigh of relief, but I knew what my dad meant. He meant that even if he did die, he would be here in his heart or her heart or however it worked. His were words of comfort and hope but not of concrete fact. They weren’t something you could hold on to and trust and understand. They weren’t words that made you sleep better at night. They were just words that a husband tells his wife when she’s begging him not to die, and he knows that he has no choice on the matter. I knew my mom knew that; she was too clever not to, but she held onto those words the same way she would hold on to a lifejacket in the middle of a dark, stormy ocean. The only problem was that her life jacket couldn’t save Dad from drowning.

Chapter 11

“D
o you think mom will
remarry?” Bridget picked a marshmallow out of her hot chocolate and licked the chocolate off her finger, then she added, “I mean she’d have to, right?”

If she would have asked the question any other time, I would have been shocked. I would have ordered her to not talk like that, to not even imagine life without Dad. But tonight was different. Since Mom was staying overnight at the hospital with Dad, Bridget and I had decided to sleep in the living room in sleeping bags in front of the fireplace like we were camping. She had set up the beds, and I had made the hot chocolate. We had been laying there on our stomachs, watching the fire popping and talking for over two hours. It felt strange at first, to be talking and almost bonding with Bridget. In my entire life, we had never said more to each other than what was absolutely necessary. But as time went on, I forgot about our usual relationship, and we fell into a comfortable pace. It had been a deep conversation about what life would be like if or when Dad died. We talked about what it must be like for him and for Mom and what it would be like for us over the next few years. It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime conversations that consisted of topics much too deep, much too difficult to be discussed in any other setting. So when Bridget asked the question, it seemed appropriate to sigh and say, “I guess so. I wouldn’t want her to be lonely for the rest of her life. It’s a strange thought though—Mom with some other guy.”

“It would change things for us, that’s for sure.”

I looked at the side of her face for an explanation.

“I mean, if Mom never marries again, one of us is going to have to stick around Franklin for the rest of our lives to keep her company. We can’t just leave her here all alone.”

“Why are you trying so hard to get away from this place?” I asked. I just couldn’t see why she hated it so badly. I loved it here. It was beautiful and fresh. It was where my home was and my family and my entire world. Even if Mom did get married again, I would never want to leave Franklin if I didn’t have to.

“I’d probably like it here too if I had a Jess living across the street.” She took a sip from her mug.

I never told Bridget about Jess and me—not about my feelings for him, the kiss, or the breakup. For all she should know he was just a friend. “Jess doesn’t have anything to do with it. Franklin is just a great place to live.”

“Mmhmm,” she said before swallowing. “I’m sure you’ve never even noticed how good-looking and smart and perfect he is.” She was watching me now with a sincere smile and curious eyes completely oblivious to the aching in my heart. “Come on, Gemma,” she urged when I stared silently at the fire. “He’s two years younger than me, but even I can’t help notice how amazing he is.”

The fire felt hot on my face, but I couldn’t force myself to look away. “Things with Jess aren’t like they used to be.”

She nodded her head slowly. “I sensed a little friction in the car tonight. What happened?”

I took in a deep breath. Thinking about the past few months was exhausting. So much had changed so fast. To talk about it again just drove the knife further into my chest. “Well, for starters, we kissed last summer.”

Bridget’s eyes widened. “You and Jess
kissed
?”

“Don’t act so surprised,” I said smugly.

Bridget wiped at her mouth and set her mug on the carpet. “I’m not surprised. I always thought you two would get together someday, but I never thought it would happen so
soon
.”

“Yeah well, I wish it never would have happened at all.”

“Really?” Bridget seemed to be picturing it in her mind. “What was so terrible about it? I can’t imagine Jess being a bad kisser.”

“The kiss wasn’t the problem. The kiss was perfect.” I felt my mind wandering toward the memory of it all. How had something so wonderful turned into something so horrible? “The problem came three months later…when he dumped me.”

I expected Bridget to burst into laughter. Surely she would find pleasure in hearing about the rejection I had felt. But she didn’t laugh at all. She didn’t even smile. She watched me quietly with sad eyes. “Jess would never do that,” she finally whispered. “You must have misunderstood him.”

I shook my head. “I tried telling myself that too. It’s been almost three months since he broke up with me. There’s not a whole lot you can misunderstand about that.” Bridget rested her chin on her folded arms and stared into the popping logs. It was strange for me to be having a conversation with her this long without any sarcastic or derogatory comments. There was something different about her, about us. “It doesn’t matter though,” I added. “I still have two months of being grounded so the only people I have any sort of relationship with are Mom and Dad.”

Bridget twisted her mug in her hands. “I’m not going back to Yale next semester.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m going to go back on Monday for the last couple weeks of classes and finals and then I’m moving home.”

“What about school? What about all that stuff you said to Jess about getting out of Franklin?”

“I’m still going to be a student at Yale. I can do some of my course work online for a while, and if I need to, I think can take a leave of absence, I’m not really sure. It’s all pretty new, I just decided today.” She breathed deeply, and I could tell it hadn’t been an easy decision for her. “I want to be home while Dad is still alive. I want to spend as much time with him as I can. I can’t believe how sick he looks. It just doesn’t feel right to be away right now.” She took one more deep breath before turning her head toward me, her cheek now rested on the back of her hands. “I’m sorry that I’ve been a horrible big sister.”

There was no denying that we hadn’t had the best sisterly relationship. We had spent more time ignoring each other over the past ten years than going shopping together or any of those other girly things that some sisters did. “It’s okay,” I replied. “I haven’t been the best little sister either.”

Bridget frowned. “Did you know that before you were born, all I wanted in the world was a baby sister? For the first couple years after you were born, I hauled you around like you were my Cabbage Patch doll.” Bridget shrugged her shoulder and stared into the fire for an answer. “But then you grew up. And you stopped doing everything I wanted you to do. It wasn’t much fun having a doll with an opinion of her own. I still remember the day you learned to say no.” She shook her head and laughed sadly. “I hated that word.”

“And you hated me.”