Secret Agent Father (5 page)

“I thought you’d already had a list of suspects? Including my father.” Shelby arched one brow. “If I recall correctly, you’ve accused Cody’s
grandfather
of a despicable criminal act.”

Stunned, he stared at her, unable to come up with a response to that. His son irrevocably tied his life to Russ Jacobson’s. Lashing out at Shelby’s father wouldn’t win him any points. “I won’t question Cody without your permission, okay? We need to work together on this.”

Shelby eyed him warily for a tense moment. And then her shoulders slumped as if she’d been carrying the weight of a huge burden. “You’re right. We need to work together.”

He wanted to go to her, to ease the tension from her muscles. To pull her into his arms, offering comfort. Her features were fragile, as if another wrong word would make her break. She turned away, putting distance between them. “I’m going to put Cody to bed.”

“May I join you?”

His question halted her midstep and she swung around to face him. “What?”

“I’d like to help put Cody to bed.” Why was she staring at him like that? He tucked his hands into the pockets of his jeans. What did putting a kid to bed entail? Tucking him in? Reading a bedtime story? He hadn’t done fatherly things with Brianna, and now he wished he had. He might be out of his league with this fatherhood stuff, but something made him stand there while Shelby stared at him in frank dismay. Maybe Cody didn’t feel comfortable with him yet, so he’d act more like a father, starting now.

He couldn’t protect Cody if his son didn’t trust him.

“I—guess.” Her stark frown of disapproval was not reassuring.

Alex almost let her off the hook, but held his tongue. With obvious reluctance, her back stiff and unyielding, she kept pace with him as they climbed the stairs together.

Inside his room adjacent to hers, the boy giggled as the puppy growled and pounced when his foot moved beneath the covers. The sound of Cody’s childish laughter made Alex grin.

Shelby went over to Cody’s bed and sat on the edge beside him. “Did you brush your teeth?”

Cody nodded vigorously. “Yep. Kayla gave me a toothbrush. How come dogs don’t have to brush?”

“Because they have special treats that help keep their teeth clean.” Shelby gently pushed the puppy aside, so she could pull the covers up to his chin.

“Why can’t we use treats instead of toothpaste?” Cody persisted, more, Alex thought, to keep her talking than because he wanted to know. Either way, Alex noted Shelby never lost patience with Cody’s stream of questions.

“Because people treats have sugar in them and sugar is bad for our teeth.” She leaned over to hug and kiss him, even as he opened his mouth for another question. She forestalled it by placing a finger over his lips and giving him a no-nonsense look. “It’s time for bedtime prayers.”

As if someone flipped a switch, the boy quieted down. He pressed his tiny palms together and closed his eyes. “Dear God, please help me to be good and to follow Your path. Please bless Mommy and Daddy and Aunt Shelby and Clyde.” There was a pause, and then he added, “And please bless my other dad, too. Amen.”

“Amen,” Shelby echoed softly.

Alex stared down at Cody, his throat was thick with emotion. Never in his life had anyone prayed for him.
He hadn’t grown up going to church. Had he missed out on something important?

“Good night, Cody,” Shelby was saying. “Remember, I’ll be right next door if you need anything.”

Alex darted a glance over his shoulder and saw that indeed, she’d left the door open between their adjoining rooms.

“Okay. Can I leave my light on?” Cody’s gaze hesitantly darted to Alex as if worried he would refuse.

He stepped forward, seeking and finding the light switch in the bathroom. “How about if we leave the bathroom light on, but close the door a bit, like this?” He demonstrated what he meant.

Cody earnestly nodded his approval. “That’s good.”

Alex wondered if Cody had always been afraid of the dark or if this was something new. A surge of protectiveness enveloped him. For the first time, he understood Shelby’s resistance. At that moment, he knew he wouldn’t hesitate to stop anyone who threatened to harm his son.

“I love you, Cody,” Shelby said, leaning over to finally give him a hug and a kiss. “Always and forever.”

“Me, too.” He hugged and kissed her back. Then looked up at Alex expectantly.

Awkwardly, he leaned down to smooth a hand over Cody’s fair hair, in lieu of a kiss. “Good night, Cody.”

“G-night.” Cody pulled Clyde close within the crook of his arm. The puppy didn’t seem to mind, lifting its head to lick the boy’s cheek.

Shelby stood and together they left the room. She headed over to stand at the railing overlooking the great room. Alex sighed out his pent-up breath. He spoke without thinking. “That wasn’t too hard.”

She arched an eyebrow at him. “No, I suppose not.”

He let out an exasperated sigh. “Why do I have the feeling you don’t approve of me as Cody’s father?”

Shelby flushed, but thrust out her chin stubbornly. “Because I don’t. You have no clue what being a father really means.”

Okay, she had him there. His role model was a workaholic father who spent zero time with his kids. And when his dad wasn’t working, he drank. He’d taken the brunt of his father’s fits of anger to shield Kayla. Until he grew strong enough to defend himself.

But over these past few months, he’d bonded a bit with his niece, Brianna. So he knew a little about kids. Or at least, he’d learned to be comfortable around them.

Maybe he’d never been a full-time father, but Shelby’s attitude bothered him. She’d known him for less than a day. Was she really willing to write him off so quickly? Alex hid his consternation under a cool look. “I’m a good uncle to Brianna, so it’s not as foreign as you think. I’m sure Cody and I will figure it out together.”

The color left her face as if he’d slapped her. Then he understood. Shelby was afraid he’d take custody of the boy, cutting her completely out of his life. What had she said? Something about Cody pretty much living with her for the past three years? Before he could hasten to reassure her, she spun on her heel and headed for her room, closing the door behind her with a sharp click.

He stared at the door, imagining she’d have built a barricade by hand, brick by brick to keep him far away from Cody.

And he didn’t much care for the feeling of being left alone on the outside looking in.

Shelby washed her face, wishing she’d kept her mouth shut with Alex. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. What was wrong with her? Where was her Christian attitude now? God would not approve of her picking a fight with Alex McCade.

Alex was Cody’s father. A tiny, selfish part of her knew she wasn’t being fair to Alex because she didn’t want to lose custody of Cody.

But Cody certainly deserved a father. Alex was a decent man who truly cared about his son. She needed to let go of her fears.

Before climbing into bed, she sank to her knees, bowing her head in prayer.

Forgive me, dear Lord. Help me to follow the path You have chosen for me, now and always. And please, Lord, give me the strength and the wisdom to put my trust in Alex. And to help him form his relationship with his son. Amen.

Feeling more at peace after opening her heart and her soul to the Lord, she crawled into the sleigh bed. Tomorrow would be a better day. She needed to work things out with Alex, no matter how difficult, for Cody’s sake and for her own. She didn’t want to be the person she’d been today—so anxious and frightened that she couldn’t stop herself from lashing out.

No matter how tense and confused Alex made her feel on a personal level, she trusted him with her life. And Cody’s.

A muffled noise woke her from a deep sleep. She blinked, straining to listen.

The sounds were coming from Cody’s room.

She threw the covers aside and scrambled from her bed. Heart in her throat, she darted through the connecting doorway.

Cody sobbed, thrashing his head back and forth on the pillow. The puppy whimpered in tandem beside him. Her chest tightened and she pushed the covers away, gathering Cody into a warm embrace. His arms clutched her and he continued to murmur through the sobs.

“Shh. Cody, it’s okay. I’m here.” She rocked with him cradled against her chest. The puppy settled down, his tail thumping against the bed.

“Mama.” He sobbed the word against her neck.

“I know, Cody. I know you loved your mama.” She hesitated, and then gently told him, “Your mom is in heaven now, with God. She’s looking out for you. I’m here with you, Cody. I love you very much. You’re safe now.” Shelby battled tears as she rubbed a hand over his back.

“Why did she talk to the bad man?” Cody asked, his plaintive voice muffled against her skin. “Why?”

Shelby froze. Was he aware of what he was saying? “You saw your mom talking to the bad man?” she asked, holding her breath, afraid of the answer.

He nodded, his sobs quieting. “Outside. At night. I saw them through the window.”

Who had Trina talked to? And why? “Where was your dad?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. But I don’t wanna have any more bad dreams.”

“I know, sweetheart. I’m here with you now.” She didn’t have a psych degree, but she instinctively knew not to push him. The poor child had enough to deal with at the moment. “I love you, Cody. I will always love you.”

“I love you, too.” Chubby arms clung tightly around her neck and she shifted so that she could lean back against the headboard of his bed, keeping Cody nestled in her arms. Clyde edged closer, and pushed his nose under her hand, licking her fingers. She pulled the puppy into a three-way embrace.

She closed her eyes, reveling in the peace and quiet of the night. She didn’t want to think right now. She just wanted to hold on to Cody and pretend that as long as she kept him close, he’d be safe. They’d both be safe.

S
helby was half-asleep when she heard a soft knock.

“Cody? Are you all right?”

It took several seconds to pull herself together. “He’s fine,” she called out in a low, soft voice. “Just a bad dream.”

Cody stirred a bit, but didn’t awaken.

Alex opened the door and stepped farther into the room. His hair was tousled, as if he’d just gotten up. His concerned gaze fell on Cody. “I heard noises. Everything okay?”

“Fine,” she whispered. She lifted a finger to her lips, indicating they should be quiet, but Cody stirred again and this time he groggily lifted his head.

“Is it morning?” he asked, his tiny brow puckered in a confused frown.

“No, it’s still nighttime,” Shelby reassured quietly. “Go back to sleep, Cody.”

He yawned, and pried his eyes open. “What if the bad dream comes back?”

“Think of God and the angels up in heaven,” she suggested. “I promise they’re watching over you and they’ll keep the bad dreams away.”

When he didn’t look convinced, she added, “I’ll stay here until you fall asleep.”

“And I’ll be right downstairs, too, Cody,” Alex added. “If you need anything, just holler.”

“Okay.” Cody snuggled down against the pillows, his little arm curling around Clyde. The puppy laid his head right next to Cody’s.

Alex smiled and Shelby was surprised by the flash of tenderness in his gaze. Despite her earlier resentment, she was glad he was so concerned.

He backed out of the room, his gaze on hers and she waited a few minutes, until Cody’s breathing relaxed, before she gently disentangled herself from the bed and followed Alex into the hallway.

She was amazed he’d heard them from downstairs. Had he heard her get up? And if so, just how much of their conversation had Alex overheard?

Alex stood, waiting for her in the hallway. She took a few minutes to compose herself, as she gently closed Cody’s door behind her.

By silent agreement, they walked down the hall away from Cody’s room, pausing outside the door to her room.

“Did he have a dream about the bad man?” he asked.

His question didn’t surprise her. But still she hesitated, wondering how to respond. She knew he wanted a description of the man Cody saw, but what if Cody couldn’t really give them one? The only new information she’d learned was that Cody had watched through the car window as his mother had talked to the bad man. And that bit didn’t exactly provide clues he could use on the investigation.

“Yes, but he didn’t remember much. Only that he
was afraid.” Shelby tried to keep her gaze trained on Alex’s face so he wouldn’t sense the half truth. Right now, Cody needed his rest, and she was afraid to ask more questions while that night was fresh in Cody’s mind. She tightly gripped the doorknob behind her, anxious to escape into the safety of her room. “I’m sorry he woke you.”

In the dim light from the fire in the fireplace below, she saw him shrug. “I don’t sleep well anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?” The question slipped out before she could check herself. She bit her lip, knowing his issues were none of her business. “Sorry, that was incredibly rude.”

“That’s okay.” He lifted his arm and pulled up the sleeve of his soft denim shirt uncovering the angry looking surgical scars. “Pain tends to keep me awake.”

Even in the dim light from downstairs, the scars looked horribly painful. She resisted the urge to touch them, wishing there was something she could do to help ease the hurt. “Isn’t there something you can take?”

His lips thinned and he shook his head. “No.”

A charged silence fell between them. Suddenly she realized he was close. Far too close. And it was dark. Old fears bubbled to the surface. She took a step backward and bumped up against the door. She felt trapped. Panic surged and she struggled to keep her breathing even, though it seemed something had sucked all the oxygen from the air around them.

“I have to get to bed. Good night, Alex.” Twisting the knob in her hand, she opened her door.

“Wait.” Alex clasped her hand and held fast, preventing her from leaving. “Don’t leave.”

The way his fingers clamped around her wrist sent a cascade of dark memories crashing into her mind. “Let me go,” she hissed, yanking her hand from his grasp.

Instantly, he released her. She stumbled back against the door, trying to get as far away from him as possible, her chest tight with fear.

“I’m sorry.” He stared at her, his brows pulled together in a dark frown.

As quickly as they caught her off guard, the horrible memories receded, followed by a wave of shame. What was wrong with her? This was Alex. He’d come up to protect them, not to hurt her.

“It’s okay,” she regained her footing and tried to sound normal even though her hands were shaking. “I’m fine. You just surprised me, that’s all.” She winced at the lame excuse and forced a smile. “I’ll—uh—see you in the morning.”

“Shelby…” he began, but then caught himself and stopped. He held her gaze and took a deliberate step back, giving her more room. “You’re right. It’s late. Get some sleep. We can talk in the morning.”

“Sure.” She gave a jerky nod, her heart still rapidly beating in her chest. “Good night.”

“Good night, Shelby.” His concerned gaze stayed on hers as she shut the door between them.

Mortified by her overreaction to Alex’s touch, she crossed the room and knelt at the side of the bed. After closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and reached out in prayer.

Dear Lord, I know You sent me to Alex to keep Cody safe. I know You’re watching over us. Please give me the strength I need to conquer my fears. Amen.

Alex silently trod down the stairs to the main level, pausing long enough to replenish the wood for the fire. For a long moment, he stared into the dancing flames, reliving that awful moment when Shelby had physically recoiled from his touch.

He felt sick knowing how badly he’d frightened her. He’d never physically hurt a woman in his life. Certainly he’d never threatened a woman on a personal level.

But there was no mistaking the stark fear in her eyes when he’d caught her arm in an attempt to prevent her from slipping away.

He sank onto the couch, using the heels of his hands to rub his eyes. Shelby hadn’t seemed threatened by him earlier in the day. He shouldn’t have grabbed her arm like that. He hadn’t realized she’d think he would force her to stay with him.

His stomach churned. She was afraid of men. Deeply afraid, in a primal way he’d never imagined.

He knew she’d been attacked by a man several years ago, one night down at the shipyard warehouse. Did that night haunt her still? After all this time?

If so, it was his fault. Maybe if he’d acted quicker, he could have prevented Shelby from being hurt. At the time, as he’d watched the attack take place, he’d wanted to go after the guy who’d hurt her, but he couldn’t afford to break his cover.

Bitter guilt surged and he shot to his feet, pacing the length of the room, trying to get a handle on his simmering emotions. He’d done the best he could.

But his best hadn’t been nearly good enough.

Once he’d calmed down, he stretched out on the sofa, grabbing Kayla’s quilt to ward off the chill.

Sleep didn’t come easy. Somehow he knew he needed to gain Shelby’s trust. He couldn’t stand to think she’d ever be afraid of him.

He cared about her, more than he should. He wanted the right to keep her safe.

Even though he knew she could never really belong to him.

The next morning, Alex fought the effects of his sleepless night, stumbling to the kitchen before anyone else was up to make coffee. He would need gallons of it to get through the day.

He stared broodingly at the pot as it slowly dripped. When it was finished, he poured himself a mug and carefully carried it in his left hand back to the living room.

Using his left hand still didn’t come naturally. He needed to return to the shed and do more left-handed target practice. His aim was getting better, though not quite good enough that he’d trust himself in the field. To protect Shelby and Cody, he’d need to be in top form.

And time was slipping away. Russ Jacobson’s ships would be back in the water in less than two weeks. Which meant more drugs making their way into the hands of innocent kids. Whoever was responsible would be using this time to take care of all obstacles, roadblocks and witnesses, like Cody. He found the foam ball and began working the stiff muscles in his left hand.

When he heard Kayla moving about in the kitchen, he knew he should go in to help. But he wanted to see Shelby. To talk to her.

To reassure her that he’d never hurt her. He only wanted to protect her, and his son.

Soon he heard Cody’s giggles and the clickity-click of Clyde’s toenails on the hardwood floor. Seconds later, Clyde dashed down the stairs with Cody on his heels.

“The puppy needs to go outside,” Alex warned.

“I know.” Cody didn’t seem to have suffered any ill effects from his nightmare as he let the dog out. The kitchen was empty, and he realized his sister must be with Brianna.

“You’re taking really good care of Clyde,” he said to Cody, trying to strike up a conversation so his son would feel more comfortable around him.

Cody’s smile brightened his tiny face. “Can I feed him, too?”

“Sure. I’ll have to help you with the bag of dog food, though.” Alex lifted the thirty pound bag and carefully poured the contents into the dish Cody held. “See? We make a great team.”

“Will I be as strong as you someday?” Cody asked, when Alex had set the bag down.

“Absolutely. I bet you’ll even be stronger than me.” He couldn’t help wondering if Cody’s desire to be strong had anything to do with what the boy had witnessed two nights ago with Trina. But he didn’t ask. This wasn’t the time or the place. Besides, he wanted Cody to be comfortable, not afraid.

“Where’s your aunt Shelby?” He glanced up toward the loft.

“She’s coming. I’m hungry.”

He glanced around the kitchen. “Well, I could try
making breakfast,” he started. But just then Kayla hurried out.

“I’ll make breakfast. Cody, do you and Brianna want to help me make French toast?”

“Yeah!” Cody exclaimed, following Kayla and Brianna over to the cupboard where Kayla kept the powdered sugar.

Considering they’d only arrived yesterday, it was good to see the boy was already making himself at home. Kids were often more resilient than adults gave them credit for.

He heard Shelby coming down the stairs, so he went out to meet her. Her footsteps faltered on the stairs when she saw him. She smiled but her smile didn’t quite reach her beautiful blue eyes.

Swallowing the lump of bitter regret in his throat, he tossed the foam ball onto the sofa and stood. He slid his hands into his front pockets to appear nonthreatening. “Good morning. Did you sleep all right?”

“Of course.” The dark circles under her eyes belied her words and likely matched his own. “How about you?”

“Sure.” If she could stretch the truth, so could he. “Ah, do you have a minute? I wanted to talk to you for a moment, about Cody.”

“All right.” Although she nodded, her eyes remained wary. She sat on the edge of the sofa, as if prepared to bolt.

He regretted their argument yesterday evening and wanted to find a way to reassure her about his intentions regarding Cody. He reached over and picked up a photograph off the end table. He handed it to her. “Here. Kayla found this in the attic.”

Shelby’s mouth dropped open as she looked at the small boy who was the mirror image of Cody, aside from the color of his hair. “Is this you?”

“Yeah. When I was about Cody’s age.”

“The resemblance is amazing.” She raised her gaze to his. “Is this your way of telling me you believe you’re Cody’s father?”

Trust Shelby to get right to the point.

“Yes. I’m convinced.” He took a seat across from her, still giving her plenty of space. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I wanted to let you know, I do want Cody in my life, but I’ll never keep Cody away from you. I’ve seen you interact with him and it’s clear how much you love him. And he loves you, too. I would never take that away from either of you. You will always be an important part of his life.”

“I—thank you.”

For a moment his chest tightened when her eyes shimmered with tears.

“I’m the closest thing he has to a mother and he’s been traumatized enough. Last night, he cried out for his mother during his nightmare. I tried to explain how she’s up in heaven with God and the angels, but I don’t know if he really understands.”

He remembered Cody’s prayers, but had thought that was just a childhood routine. “Do you really believe that?”

She looked shocked. “Of course. Don’t you?”

He had vague recollections of going to church as a child, but that was long ago, before his father had started to drink. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

She appeared troubled by his response. “I plan to
continue to raise Cody as a Christian.” It wasn’t a question, and the way she angled her chin made it a gauntlet she’d thrown between them.

He wasn’t sure what exactly that entailed, but he figured having Cody brought up with church beliefs couldn’t hurt him. “That’s fine.”

Her shoulders relaxed a bit and he could tell she’d been prepared for an argument. “Cody’s asking questions about where he’s going to live. I know right now the focus needs to be on keeping him safe, but eventually we’ll need to make some plans. He needs stability. Cody deserves to have answers, not more evasions.”

“I know.” He honestly wasn’t trying to avoid the future, but there were more important things to worry about at the moment. “Does Stephan have any parental rights to Cody that I need to know about?”

“No. Trina didn’t list him as Cody’s father. And she had Cody before they were married. I’m certain he never formally adopted him.”

The news should have been reassuring. But he couldn’t completely get rid of a sense of panic. There was nothing standing in the way of him being Cody’s father. What sort of father would he be? He wished he knew. “All right. We’ll figure something out. Right now, the priority is to keep you both safe. I’m hoping to talk to Cody later today, if that’s all right with you.”