Secret Desires (10 page)

Natalie stared at her outstretched arm, the hotel room key in her hand, and began to regret the impulsivity that made her throw on a hoodie and a pair of sneakers to drive to the
Jacqueline
in the middle of the night. There was no guarantee James would even be awake. Or maybe he wasn't even there at all.

No, Audra wouldn't have put the key in the box for Natalie if it was all for naught.

You came all this way. It's now or never.

She slipped the key into the lock and held her breath when the mechanism clicked and the indicator light turned neon green. She turned the handle but only pushed the door in an inch, waiting as though something were going to happen on the other side. What were the chances he was just hanging out on the couch waiting for her to come by? Would he even be surprised to see her? Or worse yet, what if he didn't want to see her at all and kicked her out?

No, no she was sure he wouldn't do that.

The door pushed open into near darkness, the floor-to-ceiling windows looking out onto the glittering cityscape the only source of illumination beyond a single light providing ambience over the dining table.

After closing the door, and once her eyes were acclimated to the dim lighting, she crossed the threshold and through the expansive living space before coming to the hallway that lead to the bedroom. Light pieced three sides of the slightly ajar door like a vibrant ribbon. She took another deep breath and pushed her way through.

A vintage leather duffel bag sat open atop the partially unmade bed. To her left the bathroom door was half shut and fully lit, a running faucet the only sound she could hear. She didn't know what to do with herself. Did she make her presence known by clearing her throat or calling out his name? She hadn't thought things through well enough and now she was just standing there feeling like a silly midnight intruder. She was losing the confidence afforded her by her impulsivity, but before she could back out without being seen the faucet turned off and James opened the door, his naked skin slick with water and a towel tied loose and low around his waist.

"Hi," she said breathlessly before he could speak. His face was a mish-mash of surprise, confusion, and what she dearly hoped was relief. She felt sillier with each passing moment.

"Did you...
break in
?" he asked.

She flashed him the key in her hand. "Your partner-"

"
You're
my partner, Natalie," he interrupted.

Oh.
Her eyes trained on his hands as they came to rest on his well-defined hips. "Audra," she corrected. "She left a package for me at the front desk - that's why you saw me earlier - and this was inside."

"Why would Audra give you a key to my room?"

Natalie shrugged. "You know her better than I do."

He didn't say a word for what seemed like the longest time. His eyes roamed her body, taking in the sight of her in her hoodie-covered pajamas and sneakers. She felt she was being scrutinized under his gaze, like he was figuring out what to do with her, and being cautious about it.

She crossed to the bed and sat down opposite the duffel bag. "I'm sorry about the other night." Her eyes dropped to her fingers fidgeting in her lap. "I thought you had been keeping this enormous secret from me and I just reacted." She heard his footsteps pad slowly and quietly from where he stood in the doorframe.

"You don't owe me an apology, Natalie. God only knows when I would have found out about Celine if you hadn't said anything."

"Yeah, well that was Audra's intention."

James came to a stop and crouched down before her on the floor, his hands on her knees to balance himself. "What do you mean?"

Natalie could feel humid air radiating off of his body. Up close she could see that he hadn't shaved in at least a day. The thick stubble made him look more rugged and less polished.

"She says she's known about the pregnancy for weeks but couldn't convince Celine to tell you, so she arranged to have me find out because she knew I would." She met his eyes to avoid staring at the rest of him. His physical presence was always a distraction to her, and she wanted nothing more than to be clear headed with him. "I don't think she even cares how it affects our relationship."

"When did she tell you all of this?"

"Last night. She called under the pretense of asking if I was feeling any better. That should have been my first clue that she was up to something."

His palms bunched at the cotton fabric over her thighs, but he didn't seem to realize it. "Are you feeling better?" He implored her with his eyes.

"Physically, yes. Emotionally?" She could only offer a tight smile and a shrug of her shoulders. "Having your world turned upside down isn't the greatest way to find out you've been living in a snow globe. Anyway..." She cleared her throat and tried to push back the emotions that had been her constant companions since finding out about Celine. "Regardless of Audra's machinations I came here tonight to tell you I'm going out of town on business this weekend. I didn't want you to think that I was ignoring you." She glanced quickly at the duffel bag. "Though it looks like you're also leaving."

"I am. I'll be in Vegas through Monday."

"Oh." She searched his eyes, but for what she didn't know. "Is this a planned trip?"

James straightened his back but remained crouched. "Yes. I was going to ask you to come with me, but then... Well, you know." He turned away from her and sighed as he ran a hand through his damp hair. With one of her sides free she scooted out from in front of him and stood, turning in the direction of the door. She had said all she planned to say and didn't know what else to do with herself.

"So then I'll see you next week?" She smiled hoping it would distract from the tone of disappointment that had tinged the question. James had properties across the country and was often traveling. She knew, however, that since they started seeing each other his frequent trips had been considerably shorter in duration than they historically were. He'd never been gone more than 48 hours and the trips were always bookmarked with evenings spent making love. The sudden prospect of not seeing him for five days hit her in the gut.

She turned to leave but stopped abruptly before she could even reach the door. The feeling in her stomach was like a coil unraveling, and she realized there was still more to say before she could say goodbye.

"I'm angry with you," she blurted as she turned to face him again. "More than that, I'm disappointed in you."

The words were more placebo than panacea; she felt better and worse at the same time. James still stood by the bed and crossed his arms over his chest, the action changing his entire demeanor.

"It's not just that Celine is pregnant but that you could sleep with her at all.
I know
. I know you said you were lonely, that she's familiar to you and you had this life together and
yadda yadda yadda
."

It was a struggle to hold back the teary sluice that threatened to fall and the rising tide of anger from her heart. James dropped his arms from his chest and scrubbed at his face. His countenance radiated with frustrated energy.

"It's just not fair," she continued, her voice breaking. "All I can think about is that if you were able to get past the awful things she did to you and find comfort in her bed, then there must be a part of you that is still in love with her. And that's a huge problem for me, James, because
I'm
in love with you."

She felt like she might hyperventilate. The words had fully uncoiled and were born into the world between them, unable to ever retreat back into non-existence. She loved him and that was that.

"You're right," he said finally.

Natalie gasped and held the breath in her lungs.

"I made a poor choice because I was afraid of being lonely. But what I'm most disappointed and angry about is something I can't change and it has nothing to do with Celine."

"What is that?" she asked, taking a slow step in his direction, followed by another.

"That she came into my life before you did." He stepped closer as she did, the gap between them slowly decreasing. "That I ignored my instinct and let you go after the auction." They each took another step. "That I've ever given you reason to doubt me." He put his hands on her cheeks and held her head in place, watery blue-green eyes exploring her own silver-blue. "That I didn't tell you sooner how deeply and unequivocally in love I am with you."

She was overcome, her heart bursting with the need to reciprocate his sentiment but knowing words would never do it justice. She stood on her toes and pressed her lips to his, letting the pressure of her breath expel from her nostrils as she savored in his intimate touch. She parted her lips, moaning when his tongue smoothed against her own.

They kissed deeply, luxuriating in the closeness of their two bodies pressed against one another. James picked her up and she instinctively wrapped her legs around his torso, holding on to him so tight. He walked them the few feet to the bed and sat down, her hips and legs straddling him.

"Tell me again," he said through heavy panting when he broke away from their kiss.

"I love you." The words came freely and unbidden. "I've never once loved anyone like I love you James Fitzgerald." She kissed his lips once then whispered against them, "I love you." She kissed his cheek in a line to his ear, whispering
I love you
between each one. She kissed and suckled at his earlobe, encouraged by the moans that drifted from his mouth into the space around them. "Let me show you how much I love you."

She used one foot to knock off the shoe from the other while she hurriedly peeled away the hoodie, revealing the black cotton knit gown beneath. James brushed the fabric up her thighs and chest before she stripped it too from her body. He indulged in her bare breasts, taking each one into his mouth as he caressed his fingers across her back and hips.

"I love you, too," he spoke under his breath between delicate mounds of flesh. She crouched her back in his arms until her face was level with his. He reached up and brushed a wavy strand of copper colored hair from her forehead and gently placed it behind her ear. "You are so goddamn beautiful, Natalie Harlow."

The corners of her lips curled into a smile that stretched into her cheeks. For the first time in days she felt free of burden, unencumbered by the interferences of Audra Robertson, Celine Robertson-Fitzgerald, and Ivy Whitcomb. In the penthouse suite of the
Jacqueline
hotel and in that very moment, the only two people in the world to exist were Natalie Harlow and James Fitzgerald.

"So are you," she said, and then pushed at his chest with her hands until his back was flush against the bed. She reached down and un-tucked the towel from around his waist, exposing his naked body to her. She moved down his torso until she straddled his legs, then bent and smoothed her lips over the soft head of his penis. He engorged against her tongue as she slid down the hard length of him, taking in as much as she comfortably could. She slid up and ran her tongue back down against the shaft before tugging at the velvety pouch of his scrotum with her lips.

"Ah, fuck," James gasped. He looked down the length of his body and met her eyes, his mouth parted and chest rising and falling rapidly. She took his flesh into her mouth, taking care to only apply tender pressure. Powerful leg muscles flexed and stretched beneath her. She gripped his hips with her fingers and kissed at the deepest part of his shaft, making her way up to the tip again where she sucked freely.

Natalie's lips followed her hands up his body, kissing and touching at the taut muscles of his chest. Her breasts enveloped his erection and moved to illicit friction against the thick expanse.

Every grunt, moan and solicitous whisper merely served to incite her need for him. She wanted to worship his body as he had hers countless times before. She desired nothing else but to possess him as her heart did his love.

Natalie positioned her knees at either side of his hips and reached down to grasp the base of his hardness. James' palms and fingertips gripped at her hips to steady her as she guided him into her. She mounted slowly, relishing in every delicate ridge of him. When he filled her completely she stilled her movements, moving only the exquisite muscles of her insides around him. She never felt sexier than when she was astride him and in control of their shared pleasure.

His fingers encouraged her hips into an easy rocking motion and she obliged, leaning down to lay her body across his as her pelvis pushed forward then pulled back, again and again into a quick rhythm. She swept her hair across her back and neck from one side to the other and kept her guiding pace.

He kissed her deeply as they moved together, his arms holding her tight against him, occasionally sweeping his hands down the length of the supple skin of her back. She quickened then slowed, basking in the feverish pleasure of their lovemaking. There was no embrace too close, no touch deep enough to satiate her deep need of him. She used the leverage provided by the tight grip of her arms around his torso to drive him deep inside her. The air around them was thick with the humidity generated by their sweating bodies.

She came wordlessly, climax rendering her mind and body totally inert. It was as though a star had burst into being from within her suddenly and forcefully. James pumped vigorously and then stilled as he came, his heartbeat echoing through him and into her.

Her limbs tingled, muscles contracting involuntarily in pleasurable pain. Her arms remained around him, though she was too weak to hold him. When his chest rose to inhale she exhaled, and when he exhaled she inhaled. They remained still for an unending infinity, bodies spent beyond comprehension.

When she had an ounce of strength to move she looked up and rested her chin upon his chest. James looked incandescent with content even despite his requirement for deep breaths.

"Stay with me, Natalie," he said softly, his voice low in the quiet of the room.