Secrets of a D-List Supervillain (15 page)

“Special cargo, bosslady,” I said and tilted the armor’s head down at her. “Taking good care of it means taking care of yourself. I’m just looking out for the both of you.”

Her expression softened, and she said, “Just don’t get overbearing. Mom is already talking about hiring a bodyguard. My luck, it will be an asshole.”

“In that case, I’ll be happy to forward her my rates. That’s my specialty,” I replied and laughed.

“That’ll never happen. Besides, I’m going to need you to help Sheila with the team.”

“You want me to be Sheila’s second in command?” I didn’t have a method of determining the temperature in hell, but I had a guess of what was happening down there.

“I’m considering it, Cal. You told me that you want to be a part of the future, so I’m thinking you might want to demonstrate that you’re ready for more responsibility.”

“Well, I’ve always thought She-Dozer is a bit childish. It should be good preparation, but I’m not going to change her nappy.”

“Please, never say that to her,” Wendy said.

“Hey, I just thought of something!”

“What now?” she said, sounding exasperated.

“It’s my turn to give the nightly report. Wonder if my good buddy Lazarus will be there.”

Just don’t say anything that’s going to start a fight,” she warned.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the fight had already started.

• • •

“Congratulations on taking out the elemental,” Patterson said. “He’s a tough opponent.”

If you listened closely, you could hear the false sincerity in his words and I made a mental note to send off the most recent updates to my memoir to Megan Bostic. She was chomping at the bit to release it, but I had to keep reminding her that if it screwed with my pardon, there would be consequences.

“I see you’re enjoying your new armor there, Stringel. So much that you’re still in it. Doesn’t look like you made any improvements.”

“Well, gotta test the prolonged comfort features. You know how it is. Did you ever get that access plate installed so you could get a hummer without getting out, or did you decide to put it on the back end for some quality fudgepacking?”

I figured I’d get the insults started early tonight, but I needed to pace myself—it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

“Crude as always, Stringel. You must be feeling great, having rebuilt that third-rate clunker, but I wouldn’t get too cocky, because all those substandard components won’t last long. I’m worried about you, Stringel... Those ancient designs are destined to fail.”

The other screens watched on in interest. Psycho Mountie from the Northern Frontier team even had a bucket of popcorn, but the Canadian was slightly off—hence the psycho part of her name.

“You say ancient, I say well tested. Besides, I’m sure you have more things to worry about than just me... But, you know what I worry about, that RoboDestroyer suit. It hasn’t shown up in a while, and if you want my opinion, it looks like whoever was in that suit had access to more of your tech than I do. I’m guessing your security isn’t nearly as tight as you think it is.”

“Thank you for your concern, Stringel. We are still investigating the matter.”

“I’m sure your people will be able to track him down. I’m just glad we aren’t enemies anymore and don’t have to fight. Maybe, if your people do catch up to him, you could pass on that info to me, since I have a score to settle with that poser. I’d fight him any day of the week!”

Patterson looked thoughtful for a few seconds before replying, “I’ll see what they turn up, but even someone in the equivalent of my suit from five years ago would hand you your ass.”

“I wouldn’t be so certain, but we’ll never know until we find out. Anyway, that’s the report from New Orleans. Since it is way past Bolt Action’s bedtime, I’ll hand it over to you, because you all know how cranky he gets.”

Ultraweapon delivered his report and we broke for the evening. Bolt Action stayed on screen after the others signed off.

“So, you’re calling him out, Stringel? I didn’t think you were so eager to die.”

“If he wants to come after me in an old suit, David... I figured I’d give him an out. I’ve got a better chance against that suit.”

“My friends can call me David. You’re not one of them, dickhead. And I wouldn’t be so certain, if I were you. Patterson probably has some of his next generation tech on that suit.”

“Probably, but the bottom line is that if that suit was better than the one he uses, he’d be wearing it. Besides, I’m full of surprises, so don’t count me out just yet.”

The founder of the Guardians laughed and replied, “You’re full of something, Stringel, and surprises ain’t it! But hey, it’s your life. How you choose to die is completely up to you.”

“I’ll definitely keep that in mind. You should try more fiber in your diet and see if it mellows you,” I said. With my tele-operated armor, I could probably contradict the head of the East Coast team, but I had no intention of going there.

“Keep up those cracks and you won’t have to wait for Patterson. I’ll kick your scrawny ass myself,” he said and cut the connection.

I killed my external microphone and kicked back in my chair, back in ‘Bama. “Yanking Bolt Action’s chain is even more fun than spinning Wendy up.”

Bobby laughed and used his teeth to maul one of the grilled cheese sandwiches piled on his plate. “Pretty smooth move, trying to talk that rich fellow into using his other set of armor.”

“Maybe it will work,” I said, and decided that I could probably go for something to eat as well. “If I were to take him out in that armor, there’d be enough questions about why he was in it for me to weasel my way out of the legal side of things. I’d still have to worry about General Devious, and the Overlord, but I’d be legit, and could call on all of those goody two shoes to protect little old me.”

“Have you thought about making a second set of armor yourself? Seems to me that you could go after him and still have the perfect alibi ‘cuz your suit’d be in Louisiana while you put that fucker down like a wild animal. This thing could work both ways, or am I just not thinking it through? C’mon, Cal, tell me why it won’t work.”

I was stunned. Bobby, Hillbilly Bobby, my buffoon of a buddy, had once more provided the most obvious answer that had been sitting in front of me all along!

“I... I... How did...? No, you’re absolutely right! It would work! There’s no reason why it wouldn’t!”

In truth, I’d like to think that I would have reached that conclusion at some point. Bobby had just hooked me up with a way out of this that didn’t involve blowing up a perfectly good set of armor, and disappearing to Costa Rica.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to start designing the suit that will kill Lazarus Patterson and let me get away with it!”

Having spent the majority of my life on the losing side of most situations, I was well-versed in the art of defeat. This excruciatingly long partnership, kind of like karma’s version of having genital warts, had left me all too familiar with how things could go wrong. That’s why I planned to cover as many of the angles as possible.

With any luck, Lazarus Patterson’s days were numbered, and if I’d built up some good mojo, maybe the universe would let me do the final subtraction.

• • •

“So you were always planning on attacking him?” Stacy says. I could see the glimmer of disappointment in her eyes. We’d avoided the eight hundred pound gorilla in the room for as long as possible, with laughter, fun, and make up sex, but I guess it is time to address it.

Probably not getting any tonight. Shouldn’t have gotten wrapped up in telling the story.

“You wanted the unvarnished truth. When I was a nobody, he let his people ruin my life. Sure, I made my own decisions, but he made his as well. Later, he sent people to kill me so they could field test technology he wanted to use against the Overlord. I barely survived the one time I fought him in person during HORDES. Back then, I was still just a minor irritation to him. Later, you came along and called me out with my obsession over him and I was ready to let it go, because you made me want to try and be a better person.”

“Cal,” she starts, but I ask her to let me finish.

“Then, he took you away from me just because he was a sore loser. Even that wasn’t enough for him, so he sent robot assassins after me! Each and every day, I do something stupid that I should apologize for, but killing Lazarus Patterson won’t ever be one of them.”

“Are you finished?” she asks, and pulls me close to her. Damn, she’s strong.

“Yes,” I answer.

“Good. It’s my turn then. Until I got my memories back, I didn’t know what I saw in you. You’re brilliant, but I’ve dated others who had your level of IQ. You did pretty good in your suit, but there are plenty of other heroes out there.”

She puts her index finger on my lips to silence the smart ass comment that was on the tip of my tongue. “But you did something the others never did, you challenged me to become something better than I already am. The rest? They were content with me being Aphrodite and I was content just being her. You put me in a set of armor and pushed me to go a step beyond what I was capable of. Most guys will say that I make them want to be better, but you were the first guy who made me want to better myself, and challenged me to save the world. That’s what makes you special. That’s what I didn’t have with Lazarus. And that’s why I came back to you. Do I wish you hadn’t killed him? Yes, I do. But if I can’t accept you for the person you are, then Lazarus did win, and I’m not about to let that happen. So, here’s my deal—you challenge me to be a better hero and person, and I’ll keep challenging you at the same time, because together is a lot better than apart. Deal?”

That pesky knot in my throat takes a second to swallow, but I reply, “Deal.”

“Good. Now that we’ve gotten that off our chests, let’s get something else off as well.”

Her one hand starts pulling my shirt up and the other sweeps the picnic basket off the blanket, making room. The look in her eye no longer reflects disappointment, as she pushes me back and slides on top of me. My mind flashes back to right before we broke up at Mardi Gras, when she’d been this aggressive and I’d felt like I’d auditioned and failed for a part in her life.

This time, we both know what we want and why we want it. That makes all the difference in the world.

Guess I need to apologize to myself tomorrow, for thinking I wasn’t going to get any. They say confession is good for the soul, but so is this, and trust me, I’m no priest!

“That was rather vigorous,” I say, or rather pant. “I am going to have to start a serious workout regimen to stay up with you.”

Stacy, propped up on one elbow, chuckles and slowly drags her right index finger in a swirling motion across my chest. “If you want my opinion, I think that was much better than the hot fudge sundae fiasco. And there’s less mess to clean up afterward.”

“Yeah, definitely going to need to hit the cardio. Consider my booty called and then redialed.”

She’s about to say something when a third voice interrupts, “Calvin, if you and Stacy have concluded your session of intercourse, perhaps I can interrupt? Otherwise, can you give me a time to return?”

Turning my head, I see Andydroid standing about twenty feet from us, in the shade of a pair of trees.

Stacy shrieks like a schoolgirl, and uses the nearest object to cover her chest. It happens to be my hand, so I’m not too terribly broken up about it. I roll to block Andy’s view of the Love Goddess in her natural state.

“How long have you been standing there, Andy?”

The robot answers, “I’ve been in my present position for seven minutes and thirty-seven seconds. The two of you were otherwise engaged, and did not detect my approach. Thus, I encountered what you humans refer to as an awkward situation. I did not wish to interrupt, and based on the material you, Bobby, and Larry watch, it is customary for the third person in this position to watch. If I had been female, it would also be customary for me to begin touching myself.”

Stacy gasps with something between a choke and laughter, before saying, “How much porn are you letting Andy watch?”

There’s no good answer to her question, so I ignore it. “What’s going on?”

“It appears that an arrest warrant has been issued for Wendy LaGuardia on the grounds of failure to comply with the instructions of a federal marshal, resisting arrest, evasion, and child endangerment. Several US military helicopters began monitoring the position of the Megasuit as it conducts firefighting operations. When I detected an increase in the volume of radio traffic and several other approaching aircraft, I opted not to engage and sent the suit into the fire zone.”

“Well, that didn’t take long!” I say. “Andy, go back downstairs. Stacy and I will be along in a moment.”

My companion frowns. “The military isn’t going to attack. They are waiting for the superheroes. I would be willing to bet that if I went back to my hoversled, I’d find an emergency recall message waiting for me.”

“Probably,” I answer. “But then again, your team is still a few people down. I do know one team who didn’t lift a damned finger in San Francisco. Let’s go see what the West Coast Guardians are up to.”

• • •

Andy relinquishes control as soon as I jack in to the command circuit. My senses expand and I connect to the suit. The external temperature reads one hundred and thirty-five degrees. It’s probably messing with my paint scheme, but I’d been thinking of redoing it anyway. The sky above shows seven helicopters circling like angry moths over a campfire.

“How many helicopters were here initially?”

The robot answers, “Two Apaches escorting the lone Blackhawk. I will go alert Wendy to the situation.”

The slightly protective side of me thinks we should let her get some sleep, but the side that doesn’t like being yelled at by our fearless, and foul-mouthed leader says, “Go ahead and get her.”

Turning to Stacy, I ask, “What do you think? Talk to them or just walk away?”

She shakes her head and replies, “With the warrant out on Wendy, I don’t think you should talk right now. They will try to force your hand and use it as an excuse to try and round up your group.”

“Sounds sensible enough,” I admit. “Now, all I have to do is avoid their little dragnet. They’ll have satellites blanketing the area, trying to find me.”

Andy’s hidden area turns out to be a cluster of burning pines. The armor is built to withstand much greater heat levels. This is child’s play. As we wait for Wendy to come down from her bedroom, I show Stacy more about how the connection to Megasuit works, and point out the single power connection I have running to her suit.

“That is, if you’re ever going to wear your suit.”

“If I beat you up, would your suit experience my attack?”

Unable to resist needling here, I say, “Cute, but seriously, you rarely ever wear it.”

“I already told you, I would have worn it during our last fight, but it was in several pieces and I didn’t want to try and throw it together while everyone was waiting on me. Sheesh!”

“Did you just ‘sheesh me’?”

“Get on my case about my armor again, and I’ll do more than sheesh,” she says sticking her tongue out at me.

Further banter is cut short by the arrival of a bleary looking Wendy and Andydroid. “What’s the situation, Cal?”

“I’m still hiding in the burning forest. Figured I’d let you make the call on how to handle this one. You want me to go talk to them, or do you want to go through the poop chute and do it with me backing you up?”

The petite young woman stifles a yawn. “Talking to the government in a remote area isn’t going to get us shit. See if you can get out of there undetected and find a decent sized television market. I’ll slip out the poop chute and go give an impromptu interview to get my side out there. Aphrodite’s right that the people love me. But if we don’t get out in front of this, my father and his cronies will tell the story the way they want the public to hear it. I’m going to go get a shower and change. Aphrodite, would you mind helping me look my best when I do the interview?”

“Sure thing, Wendy.”

As Wendy heads back upstairs, I look at the Love Goddess and say, “I must have been hanging around Bobby too much. I was ready to kick a little ass.”

She points at the poop chute. “I still can’t believe you slide through that and come out the business end of the Megasuit.”

“It makes moving the team around very easy. Uncle Sam’s little thugs are going to be surprised as hell when she turns up at a news station in... looks like my best choices are San Diego, Albuquerque, or Phoenix. I’ve always wanted to take a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”

She groans at my Looney Tunes reference and asks, “Why not Vegas? Not much farther and it’d be easy to get out of the city afterward.”

“Yeah, I suppose I could go there as well. I’ve been banned from going there for so long that I don’t even think about it. Guess I need to start thinking differently.”

“That’s right!” she says. “Didn’t you go on some kind of drunken rampage through the city?”

“My armor did, but I wasn’t in it.”

“Sounds like a good story,” she says. “Want to tell it?”

“Not particularly, but it involves way too much scotch, a clone’s bucket list, and an obscenely bad hangover. How about I just keep with the current story and you can add that to the list of what you want to hear next?”

She scrunches her nose in the most attractive way and says, “Well, okay. Is there anything major before the battle in Los Angeles?”

“Not unless you want to hear about my epic rematch with Seawall, the living douchebag, or the gripping story of me trying to talk a jumper out of committing suicide.”

“I think I’ll pass. I’ve heard Seawall’s powers only work when he’s concentrating.”

“Yeah, you could probably flash him and that’d be enough to make him drop his guard. With me, it takes a bit longer, and usually involves a great deal of pain—on his part, not mine.”

“What about the jumper?”

“He did. I caught him, but broke his leg while doing it. It ended with him screaming that I’d ruined his life which was the only thing remotely amusing about the story.”

Laughing, Stacy tells me to move on to the exciting stuff and I’m happy to comply.

• • •

“Bobby! Get up!” I said and banged on his door like a kid on his first day of a Disney vacation. “C’mon big guy! The shit’s about to hit the fan!”

“What’re you going on about?” The man grumbled.

“The Olympians are flying everyone to Los Angeles. Patterson’s gone loco and tried to kill Jade Lyoness because she found out he’s been building banned tech. We’re taking him down, and I need you to feed the ammo to my grenade launcher.”

“All right. All right. Get me when you’re almost there.”

“We are!” I shouted. “Apollo’s Chariot hauls some serious ass.”

“What about your new suit?”

“It’s not ready, but I don’t need it! Patterson made an atomic powered robot! That’s forbidden by more treaties and laws than I have fingers! Even if I don’t kill him, he’s going to prison.”

It’s a good day to be me! Best day ever!

There was more grumbling. “Have I got time to take a dump?”

And, back to reality. Yeah, those are the kind of things I have to put up with.

“Just be downstairs in ten!”

I damned near fell on the steps going back down the stairs. That would have been pathetic! Hopping on the ankle that I had just turned, I jacked back into the control system and became immersed in all the input Mechani-CAL offered. While I was upstairs, I could still see and hear everything going on in the chariot, but now I could move again.

Flipping the visor down, I looked around. The chariot was an interesting construct, tied to the mind of Apollo. It could get from one side of the country to the other in thirty minutes. When damaged, it would fix itself just like Haunted Tank. Through magic or psionics, it possessed an atmosphere and was capable of reaching escape velocity. The Olympians had fought in space and been to the moon. It even adjusted size to accommodate the number of passengers.

My disposition toward magic had softened since I was dabbling; in what little spare time I had. Aphrodite stood off to one side in hushed conversation with Athena. She wasn’t wearing her armor and that annoyed me. Part of me wanted to go over there, she looked miserable, but there was precious little I could add to the situation. Somehow, I doubted Stacy would want to hear me say, “I told you so.”

Instead, I stuck to the side of my team who, outside of Wendy, didn’t care whether I lived or died. Most any person on the planet would be a gibbering idiot, going for a ride in this company. Instead, I was still wondering what in the hell I was doing there.

Bolt Action came up beside me and was staring at my powercell bazooka. After giving it a critical once over, he grunted and said, “It will only work if you hit, Stringel. Two words—don’t miss.”

“I don’t intend to.”

“Got a special assignment for you, you might even like it.”

I replied, “Okay, you’ve got my interest.”

The older black man said, “He’s got a weak spot when it comes to you. Lure his ass out. Call him names. Say whatever the hell you think will get him out of his private bunker. I’m just asking you to be an asshole. I suspect it’s the one thing you excel at.”

“Seems you’ve had some practice in the art as well, David. Are you going to be sad if Patterson doesn’t walk away from this?”

I knew he didn’t like me using his first name, which is exactly why I did it.

“We want him alive. Lazarus didn’t used to be like this,” the old Marine stated. “He’s changed over the years. Everyone changes, but not always for the better. You’d do well to remember that, boy!”

“I got your boy right here! I couldn’t give two shits about what you think. Just don’t get caught in the crossfire, because I won’t be holding back!”

Our discussion attracted the attention of several others and I could see Aphrodite looking at me.

“David,” Wendy interrupted. “Mechani-CAL is a member of my team. Why don’t you see to your own people and leave him to me?”

“Listen Wendy...”

“No! You listen! You don’t run my damned team, and you don’t run me! Back the hell off!”

Now everyone was focused on our little conference.

Discus jumped in, “Listen, everyone just calm down. We’ve got enough problems without turning on each other.”

I took morbid amusement in watching both Wendy and Bolt Action tell Graham to shut the hell up. This was an instance of putting the “fun” in dysfunctional. This would be another interesting section to add to the memoirs. Ms. Bostic would be salivating over this. Then again, I don’t know if the general public would rest easy seeing all of this.

Strange time for a moral dilemma.

Bolt Action left, and Wendy didn’t seem pleased.

“Save the anger for Ultraweapon,” I offer. “No sense in picking fights until the one that matters is taken care of. Make sure you stay safe out there, Wendy. Don’t take any unnecessary risks.”

She created a swirl of air around us to “Do I need to give you the same speech about butting out that I gave him?”

Looking down, I commented, “You’ve changed your costume to prevent people from noticing that you’re developing a bump. I’m not trying to run your life, but I am telling you not to be stupid. You’re one of the most powerful people in the world and you’re the best team leader I’ve ever had.”