Secrets She Left Behind (36 page)

Maggie

I
STAYED LATE AT THE HOSPITAL THE DAY THAT MADISON
died. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay in the peds unit with people who understood how I felt. Even after the shift change, when Taffy left, I stayed. I think Taffy’d taken some heat for letting me stay with Madison when she was so close to dying, and I tried to let everyone know I was okay. I honestly was. I was okay enough to be worried about Joanna. She fell totally apart when she realized that she’d left her daughter’s side for fifteen minutes in the last twenty-four hours, and it was the wrong fifteen minutes. It shouldn’t have been me with her. It should have been her mom. Yet it was nobody’s fault.

Tony, one of the male nurses in the peds unit, came on duty after Taffy left, and when he found out what had happened, he called the social worker to come talk to me to be sure I was all right. She was a pretty woman in her thirties who’d been leaving for the day when Tony’d called her. She came to the playroom, carrying her purse and her sweater, and I felt terrible that I was causing her to stay late.

“I’m absolutely fine,” I said, sitting down on the rocker at her request.

She sat on the playroom table, setting her purse and sweater next to her.

“Tony said you were supposed to leave at five,” she said, “and it’s now after six. Why don’t you go home?”

“I just want to stay,” I said. “There are a few kids here whose parents can’t come in tonight. I can read to them or whatever.”

“Who’s at home?”

“What?” I didn’t know if she was talking about my family or the patients’ families.

“If you go home now, who will be there?”

“My mother and brother. Possibly my uncle.”

“Are they supportive? Can you talk to them?”

“Oh, sure,” I said.

“Then what do you think is keeping you here?”

“I told you. I can help out if I stay.”

She smiled a little. “The people at home, no matter how loving and supportive they are, didn’t know Madison,” she said. “But everyone here did. Right?”

I hesitated. It wasn’t as though everyone in the peds unit was talking about Madison or anything, but there was this
bond
I felt with them that I would lose the moment I walked out the door. “Right,” I said.

“Have you cried yet today?” she asked me.

I shook my head.

“If you go home, do you think you will?”

Yes. I was sure I would. “I don’t want to,” I said.

She nodded, and I thought she understood exactly how I felt. She reached into her purse and pulled out a business card. Then she jotted a number down on it and handed it to me.

“I’m leaving for the day, but this is my cell number. If you feel like you need to talk tonight, call me. But right now, you need to go home.”

I started to shake my head, but the expression on her face told me I wasn’t going to win the argument.

“Yes.” She stood up. “You need to go home, Maggie.” I didn’t budge from the rocker as she put on her sweater. “I’ve heard good things about you,” she said. “I think it’s great you’re putting in so many hours here, and you’ve really earned the respect of the staff. But part of being a good, responsible health worker is learning how to take care of yourself in an environment like this one that can tax you to your core. It might seem like staying here until you’re so tired you fall asleep sitting up is the way to do it, but it only puts off the grief. You’ll need to figure out other ways of dealing with it. Okay?”

She reached out a hand and I stood up and shook it.

“Okay,” I said. I still didn’t want to leave. I didn’t feel up to figuring out “other ways of dealing with it.” But I knew she was right. I couldn’t hide out in the peds unit forever.

I was getting my jacket in the volunteer office when I heard a commotion at the nurses’ station. I walked into the unit and saw Madison’s father, Rudy, bedraggled and red-faced, shouting as he waved his arms through the air. “It’s a fucking scandal!” he yelled at Tony and Constance, the only two nurses in the station. “I’ll
sue!
I’ll sue your sorry asses.”

I hesitated near the corner of the nurses’ station, which was between me and the exit. I didn’t know if I should try to zip past Rudy or duck back into the volunteer office. I could see that Constance, who was probably the oldest nurse in the unit, was on the phone. Calling security, I hoped. I felt sorry for Madison’s father, but he scared me.

“Mr. Winston,” Tony said, “please settle down so we can talk about this calmly, all—”

“Fuck that!” Rudy shouted. “My little girl is dead! Talking calmly’s not gonna bring her back, and it’s your fault. All of you!” He pointed his finger and his whole arm shook as he swept it in a horizontal arc in front of him. I took a step forward and saw that other nurses and parents were standing in the doorways of the patient rooms. A couple of them were on their cell phones.

“Don’t you have any…any, like, screening?” Rudy shouted.

One of the parents, a huge, burly guy, walked from his child’s room toward the nurses’ station. “Sir,” he said, “let’s go outside. You’re scaring the children.” He reached for Rudy’s arm, but Rudy jumped backward.

“What about
my
child?” he wailed. “My little girl! If I was you, I’d get my kid out of this hospital before it’s too late.” He looked down the hall at the other parents. “All of you! Get your kids out of here. They don’t have no quality con—”

He saw me. His eyes burned into me and I stood paralyzed at the corner of the nurses’ station. “You goddamn bitch!” He started toward me, but one of the security guards suddenly appeared, and between him and the burly father, they managed to hold Rudy back.

“Parents!” Rudy shouted, his arms twisted behind his back by the guard. “Listen to me! Do you know who this girl is?” He jutted his chin toward me. “Maggie Lockwood, that’s who! Does that name mean anything to you? Remember her? The arson fire in Surf City! People killed and burned. She just got out of prison, and this backwater hospital hires her to take care of kids!” He kicked the wall of the nurses’ station so hard I jumped. “Where’s your brains?” he shouted toward Tony and Constance. “Maggie Lockwood was with my daughter today when she
died.
Joanna’d been with her every minute for days and she was
fine,
and in the five minutes this bitch
is with her—” he jerked his chin toward me again “—she just happens to
die.
You think that’s a coincidence? Huh?” He kicked the wall again. Once. Twice. I jumped each time, horrified by what he was implying. “How dare you let someone like that work with kids!” he shouted at Tony, as if he was responsible for me being there.

I leaned against the counter as a couple of police officers burst in the door. Thank God! Without missing a beat, they took the place of the security guard and the burly father. Rudy didn’t even put up a fight, but he wasn’t done shouting. “How
dare
you!” He kicked the wall again. “I’m suing the ass off this hospital, you better believe it!”

The cop slapped handcuffs on him.
Roughly.
Too roughly. “Let’s go,” the other cop said as he led Rudy toward the exit.

“You let her take care of my little
girl!
” Rudy wailed as he stumbled toward the door at the policeman’s side. He sobbed, gasping for breath. “You let her take care of my little
girl!
My little—”

The door closed behind him, cutting off his words. Tony turned toward me, and only then did I realize I had my hands on the sides of my head like in that painting
The Scream,
tears pouring down my face.

“Is this true?” Tony asked.

I felt so many pairs of eyes on me. Nurses who didn’t know me well because they didn’t work the day shift. Parents, only a few of whom I’d met.

“Cathy Moody knew,” I said quietly. “She knew everything. I told her when I applied.”

Tony looked away from me. “Get out of here, Maggie,” he said. “You’ve had a long day. Call Cathy Moody in the morning and…see what she wants you to do.”

I walked past the nurses’ station, my cheeks on fire, and I heard the whispering start behind me as soon as I opened the door.

I could hardly see the road as I drove home. Was this it? The end of my community service at the hospital? I wanted to stay there so badly. But maybe a criminal wasn’t supposed to be able to do community service in a place she loved that much.

My car suddenly lurched to the left, the steering wheel vibrating so violently I could barely hang on to it. I wrapped my hands around the wheel and forced it to the right, holding on tight until I came to a stop on the shoulder. I got out, and although daylight was fading, I could see that my left front tire was nearly in shreds.
Damn.
Could this day get any worse?

Stay calm,
I told myself. I’d changed a tire before, although not on the sloped shoulder of a four-lane road. I wasn’t sure if I should pull forward or what exactly, and I decided the first thing I needed to do was check my spare. I opened my trunk and discovered I
had
no spare to check. Great. I couldn’t believe Mom had let Andy drive around without a spare.

I got back in the car and dialed home, but there was no answer. I tried Uncle Marcus’s cell number, then my mother’s, and got dumped to their voice mail both times. I even tried Andy’s, in case he was with them and had his phone on, but I remembered he had swim practice tonight. No doubt, my mother was with him.

Jen.
I hadn’t spoken to her since Friday, when she’d splashed me in the water. Even after we went back inside her house, I’d felt uncomfortable with her and left pretty quickly, trying to figure out why our couple of hours together had gone south so suddenly. We didn’t speak all weekend, and now it felt strange to call her. But she was a friend, right? My
only
friend, actually.

I dialed her number.

“Hey.” Her voice was quiet when she answered. A whisper, really.

“I’ve got a problem,” I said. “I’m halfway home from the hospital and I have a flat. I tried calling my mom, but I can’t reach her. Is there any chance you could come pick me up?”

Silence.

“I’ll buy you dinner if you haven’t already eaten.” It was after seven. Of course she’d already eaten.

“I can’t right now,” she said.

She had someone there, I thought. A guy? Another friend?

“Can’t you call a service station?” she whispered.

I felt myself tear up again. How was I supposed to find the name of a service station? And besides, I didn’t have a spare.

“Could you do me a favor and look up a service-station number for me?” I asked.

“Are you crying?”

I bit down on my lip to try to stop the tears. “It’s just been a crappy day.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t help. You’ll figure it out. You’ve got your phone, so you’ll be okay.”

I looked through the windshield at the darkening sky. I didn’t feel okay at all.

“I have to go,” she whispered.

“All right. Good—” I heard the click of her phone. I stared at my own phone for a minute, hoping she’d call back or that Mom or Uncle Marcus would get my message and come rescue me. Then I called information and asked to be connected to the nearest towing company. I was going to have to rescue myself.

Keith

“W
HO WAS THAT?” I ASKED. I WAS HALF-ASLEEP IN JEN’S BED,
but I’d heard her whispering on the phone. I could tell she wanted to get rid of whoever it was and get back to me.

“Just a friend.” She was sitting up in bed with her back against the headboard. “Go back to sleep, baby,” she said. “You need it.”

I didn’t want to sleep anymore. When I first got to Jen’s, I just wanted to shout and punch the walls and let out all my confusion on someone who’d listen. She
did
listen. Then she did more than that, taking me into her bed. Having sex with me so I’d forget for a little while what the hell was going on with my mother. Now, though, I was in radical pain.

“I need my drugs,” I groaned.

“Are they in your pants pocket?”

“No.
Shit.
” I suddenly pictured them on the kitchen counter in the tower. “I left them at Marcus’s.” I carefully raised myself up on one elbow and saw that she had her computer open on her lap. “What are you doing?”

“Just surfing.”

“You have a wireless connection?” I hadn’t seen her use her computer before.

“Oh, yeah. It’s great,” she said. “All over the house. I can even get online on the deck.”

“Checkin’ e-mail?” I felt jealous all of a sudden.

“No,” she said. Then she looked down at me. “I Googled those apartments you said your mother was trying to move into.”

She helped me sit up, then moved the computer to my lap. “Don’t freak out, okay?” she said as she adjusted the screen.

There they were, the Failey Hill Apartments, looking like part of a resort in the Caribbean or something. The two-story building had arched balconies, tennis courts and a couple of pools in the courtyard, just waiting for the arrival of Sara Larkin without her pathetic son.

I stared. Couldn’t speak. I was torn somewhere between fury and a gut-wrenching sadness. Jen stroked my neck with her fingers.

“I don’t get what she was up to,” I said when I could finally talk. I knew the whole bit about Western Carolina Bank was bogus. Flip checked. She wasn’t working at any of their branches—not unless she’d changed her name one more time. “I mean, if she wanted to split, she could’ve at least waited until I was eighteen,” I said. “It’d be bad enough then. But I just don’t…This isn’t like her.”

“The fire,” Jen said.

“What do you mean, ‘the fire’?”

“It changed you, and it probably changed her, too. Maybe she just couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe you didn’t notice her changing because you were so involved in getting better yourself.”

Of course it changed her, but not so much that she’d take off without me. Start a whole new life without me. I touched the blue water of the pool on the laptop screen.

“I hate my damn half sister,” I said.

“I know. I don’t blame you a bit, and I hate her, too, for what
she’s done to you.” She lifted my messed-up left hand from the computer and pressed it to her lips. “You must wish you could hurt her the way she’s hurt you.”

“She’s gonna show up at Marcus’s one of these days when I’m there,” I said, “and I swear, somebody’s going to have to hold me back from kicking the shit out of her.”

“That’s too good for her,” she said. “You’d give her some cuts and bruises and she’d heal up in no time, while what’s happened to you…that’s never going to go away.”

“You’re not making me feel much better.” I didn’t want to look at the apartments any longer. They were just bringing me down. I started to hand the computer back to Jen, but my shoulder suddenly seized up like a son of a bitch.

“Shit!”
I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Oh, baby!” Jen set the computer on her nightstand and got out of bed. She leaned over and kissed my forehead. “I’m gonna get you a glass of wine and some Tylenol,” she said. “Sorry, but that’s the strongest stuff I’ve got. I’ll be right back.”

My eyes were still shut, and I was afraid to breathe. It felt like if I moved half an inch to the left or the right, I’d tear my arm clean off my shoulder. I listened to Jen racing down the stairs, hurrying to get something to make me feel better, and I remembered my mother screaming at the doctor in the hospital to give me something for the pain. I remembered how she’d sit with me, day and night, while I could barely move. Barely breathe. How she changed my revolting bandages and cleaned my butt and cried when I cried. I heard Jen down in the kitchen, opening the refrigerator for the wine, because she loved me, which made me feel like a shit for the thought that was running through my mind: I loved my mother
more than I would ever love Jen, and my mother loved me more than Jen ever would. No matter how it looked to anyone else, my mother would never leave me. Not for all the ritzy apartments in the world.