Seduced by Lies (3 page)

             
She moved away from the bike sheds, making her way around the edge of the car park to the 'official' smoking area, hidden away and isolated at the very top corner of the College grounds. The smoking area was a fairly small, graveled area, surrounded and protected by slightly overgrown trees and bushes, the few benches and bins within just about visible through the narrow, unmarked entrance. Within moments of entering this tiny patch of nature, with its leafy, green embrace, and shimmering, dappled pattern of sunbeams on the ground, Sienna felt a lot calmer, and settled down on the bench in the far corner. But despite the tranquil effect of the trees and foliage, Sienna had still managed to go through three quarters of her carton of cigarettes by the time the Bus rolled  up just over an hour later. She clambered onto it moodily, in much the same fashion as she had done that morning, with that same feeling of dread and anticipation in the pit of her stomach.

             
Sam's day had been somewhat better than he'd expected. It had started off like any other College day - greeting the boys with his well-practiced smile and thumbs up, which was reciprocated with equally well-rehearsed, unnecessarily complicated handshakes and a loud roar of boyish shouts and slaps on the back. He repeated the handshake with each one of his friends, raising his voice with theirs, seeming every inch the blissfully ignorant, happy-go-lucky, typical lad that everyone else expected him to be. While still being faked, it came to him easier than he expected at first - much easier than it had in front of the mirror that morning, so while his mind worried over the memory of his weak, puking mother, his body nudged the guy next to him in the ribs, and pointed lasciviously towards the three short skirts that had just wandered past.

The group of guys, looking almost like identical sextuplets in their surfer shorts and stylish baseball caps, continued to laugh and banter as they made their way through the long, twisting corridors to their first lecture - English. Each was taking it in turns to boast loudly about their so-called summer conquests - Johnny had apparently used his charms to hook up with a lesbian, to which Lee had quickly replied -

"Probably 'cus she liked your tits!" Grabbing at their slightly chubby friends chest.

"I'd like to see any of you do better." Came Johnny's sulky reply as he ducked out of the reach of his friends wandering, groping hands.

"Well I sure did." Dan piped up from Sam's left, his voice full of bravado as he puffed out his chest. "Maggie - my Mum's best friend." He finished, practically beaming with adolescent pride.

             
There was a brief moment of stunned silence before the entire group exploded into laughter, none of them catching on to the falseness of Sam's chortles, that had started just a second after everyone else's'. He was trying to keep up, but worry for his mother continued to grow at the back of his mind, and guilt for leaving her in such a state was beginning to gnaw in the pit of his stomach. He shook it away as best he could - the dumb cow brought it on herself, so why should he be feeling guilty, especially after spending his entire summer looking after her and wiping her vomit-covered chin every morning. Plus, she had gotten herself in much worse states before, so he was sure she'd be fine (or whatever version of 'fine' his mother was capable of being these days). He focused his attention as best as he could back onto his group of friends. This is what mattered right now - he was finally back in College and he couldn't afford to lose this normal, unsullied part of his life, not without risking losing his sanity as well. He dived straight back into the interaction, laughing jovially and poking fun along with the rest of them, and though he tried his best to remember how he would have felt last year, before everything had turned to shit, no matter how hard he tried to recall those feelings, none would come to him.

             
Not that any of those around him seemed at all aware of the mask their best friend now wore, and now it was Sam's turn for the limelight.

"What about you, Sam? Did you do any better?" Adam challenged from just behind Sam's shoulder. Sam's mind stuttered, trying frantically to pull the right response from its depths, but his smile did not falter, and after just a brief pause he replied cockily -

"Much better than a menopausal O.A.P and a lezzer, that's for sure!" He said confidently, nodding mockingly at Dan and Johnny respectively. This induced another hearty, booming round of laughter, and Sam silently congratulated himself on a situation well-handled as he received yet more convivial pats on the back and high-fives. Maybe, just maybe, he could enjoy this day after all.

Despite his initial anger at his mother, and his promise not to let her interfere with his College day, he couldn't quite shake the feeling of worry and abashed guilt, and so half way through his first lecture of the day, Sam gave in.

              He'd chosen a seat at the very back of the classroom, partly because that's where his friends chose to sit (it seemed the further back you were, the cooler you were), and partly because it gave him the opportunity to sink low in his seat, avoid the gaze of the lecturer, and let his mind wander. It wasn't as if he needed to pay attention anyway - he was secretly already way ahead of everyone else in the classroom, thanks to his father teaching him more than any College lecturer ever could - before everything had gone wrong that is. Sam was probably educated to around degree level, and the only reason he was actually taking this course was for his C.V, not that he would ever let that on to anyone, or that anyone would think it from looking at him.

             
And so that day, like every other previous day he'd entered this room, he slumped, seemingly unenthusiastic, into the same plastic chair next to the far back wall, slapped his folder and pen onto the desk, and proceeded to not take any notes whatsoever - a mirror image of the other five sat next to him, in appearance at least.

Sam acted the part as best he could - sniggering with his fellow students, throwing scrunched up balls of paper when the lecturer wasn’t looking, he even made some half thought through comment about boobs (which seemed to go down well with the lads, if not with the girl sat in front) - all the things a boy his age should be doing on his first day back at College, but his heart just wasn’t in it.

              “Well no, that’s not exactly the right phrasing.” Sam thought to himself. After all, his heart hadn’t truly been in anything for months. But he was distracted that morning, and was finding it hard to concentrate on his performance, a fact he felt sure his friends, as oblivious as they were, would begin to notice if he didn’t take action soon. And so, under the guise of texting a girl he’d met over the summer, Sam subtly slipped his phone from the denim embrace of his pocket, hiding his actions under the desk, and began texting his mother.

             
He didn’t expect a reply, he barely expected her to be able to read or comprehend the text, but what else could he do? He hit send and took a deep breath, trying to convince himself that everything was fine and dandy, before he could carry on convincing everyone around him. It was lucky he’d had so much practice, so much time to learn how to shut off the conflicting sides of himself. And so the day carried on as normally as it could.

             
By the time lunch time arrived, Sam felt he was getting back into the swing of things - his guilt and worry was a fading memory at the back of his mind, like the last dregs of a hangover, and, to his surprise, he’d actually been able to genuinely laugh once or twice! It was during one of these genuine laughs, as him, Dan and Lee were making their way to the canteen, that Sam caught sight of something that stopped him dead in his tracks. Just in front of the canteen doors, a mere 20 ft in front of Sam and his friends, was a girl stood with her back to them, absolutely still as if frozen to the spot, her black and white checkered backpack hanging loosely off one shoulder, her fitted leather jacket clinging tightly to her waist and her short, bleach blonde hair sticking out at odd, punky angles.

             
The second his eyes fell on to her, Sam's steps began to slow, and his breath caught in his chest. He struggled to try and place this sudden, unexpected feeling - his companions, as usual, were oblivious and unaffected - they didn’t even seem to notice the girl, so why was the back of her head having such an effect on him? It was if something in her was calling out to him - a feeling that touched him on deep, previously unexplored levels and planes of his being, but for the life of him he couldn’t place it. Until she turned around that is, quickly spinning on the spot and marching dazedly away from the swinging canteen doors. Sam’s eyes found the girls face, and instantly the world around him shrunk down to just a bubble containing only the two of them. Sights and sounds became muffled, even the roar of noise from behind the canteen doors was drowned out by the thumping of his blood through his veins. On her pale face and in her wide, heavily made up eyes, Sam saw the reflection of all his deeply hidden feelings and woes - this girl was silently screaming that she did not belong, that she felt like an alien amongst all these indecipherable, shouting, screaming adolescents, and Sam instantly knew that he’d found a kindred spirit.

             
Not that the girl noticed Sam at all - her glazed eyes were kept firmly on the ground in front of her feet as she glided past the trio of boys, completely unaware of the hooks she’d sunk into Sam, that now begged and tugged at him to follow her down the staircase and back into the depths of the English department. As her blonde head bobbed out of sight at the bottom of the stairwell, Sam's little bubble popped and the sights, smells and sounds of the real world made their way violently back into his consciousness, causing his ears to pop at the intrusion.

             
“Sam?...Sam?” Lee was calling to him mockingly. “Earth to Sam!” He began waving his hand vigorously in front of his face, before Sam came fully back to his senses and slapped it away playfully, forcing a boyish chuckle as he did so.

“See something you like?” Lee taunted gesturing to the stairwell down which that magical girl had vanished.

              “He always did like the weird ones.” Dan interjected.

“She’s not weird!” Sam insisted, a little too quickly. Lee began laughing once more, his booming tones echoing around the main entrance hall while Dan, the slightly more observant one of the group, gave Sam a peculiar look. Sam knew instantly that he’d slipped up, and struggled to regain his cool, stuttering over his words as he fought for a response.

              “Well...ok...maybe she’s a bit weird but...but...did you see that ass?” He hated to objectify the girl, already knowing that she was worth much more than that, but at least it seemed to placate his friends for now.

Sam lasted all of ten minutes in the overcrowded, stuffy, cacophonous canteen - just long enough for his mates to forget all about the blonde girl, before making his excuses and exiting as quickly as could, while still seeming cool and nonchalant. He broadened his steps as soon as the canteen door had swung shut behind him, darting around the people in his way, practically flinging himself around the corner and cantering down the steps. He didn’t have a plan, all he was aware of was a feeling of deep need pulling him forward, combined with that same feeling of apprehension from earlier that morning, and a whole heap of nervous excitement. He ploughed onwards, his feet leading him automatically through the passageways and towards the English Department before he realized - he actually had no clue where this girl had gone. This realization stumped him, and stopped him dead in the middle of the corridor as he considered his options. She could be anywhere in this huge College by now, he may never even see her again. Bitter disappointment began to crush down on Sam's internal organs, deflating him and sending him crashing back to hopelessness.

              What if that had been his one chance? What if he’d missed his only opportune moment to actually connect with someone who might just understand him? His shoulders slumped and he half turned back towards the staircase, trying to accept that this was just another sour letdown on top of the millions he’d already had to suffer. It was as if the universe had dangled a carrot in front of his face, just to snatch it away so it could point and laugh at him like the fool he was.

“Well fuck you, universe.” Sam mumbled darkly, barely noticing the two oompa-loompa girls he practically barreled into as they came out of a nearby classroom. The girls gave him a scornful glance, looking him up and down just once before linking arms with each other and carrying on with their conversation, the last words of which Sam’s ears latched onto hopefully -

“Did you see that new girl going into the library earlier?”

“Yeah, she was practically running, like she couldn’t wait to get in there or something, the weirdo.”

“Yeah what a freak, I mean - who hangs out in the library anyway?”

“Yeah, and did you see her shoes?”

              The chorus of happiness in Sam’s head drowned out the rest of their meaningless conversation, his rollercoaster of emotions soaring straight back up as he continued his journey down the corridor with renewed vigor, mentally apologizing to the cosmos for swearing at it.

             
By the time the library doors came into view, Sam was also practically running. Part of him was hugely confused by this sudden, completely irrational response to what was, after all, only a girl, while a much larger section of his brain drowned out that voice, and demanded that he continue onwards, as if it was imperative to his well being.