Seductive Viennese Whirl (27 page)

"Thanks," I say, not knowing what to make of it all. I'm tremendously relieved, of course, knowing that I'm not responsible for the Haddock's demise after all. If anything, the doll has been a sort of fertility symbol, and she has me to thank for the imminent happy event. But her mention of a leave of absence starts my mind whirring. I'd love to take a leave of absence myself, permanently. But I've still got some way to go in paying off my Visa, so I'll have to compromise. I put on my most charming face.

"I know you might think this is a bit of a cheek, but, do you think there's a chance Eva and I could take some time off at the beginning of January?"

The Haddock drums her pen on the table. Her neck tenses as she gives a grin. I'm sure she's going to turn me down. So, it's something of a shocker when she replies, "Oh, what the hell, sure, why not?"

"Thanks," I say. I punch the air as soon as I get out of her office, not caring if she sees me. I don't know why I should be so excited at the prospect of some time off, but I am. My toes feel all tingly.

Eva's sitting at her desk pensively spooning yoghurt into her mouth. I'm pretty sure she's behind the toenail incident but something tells me not to mention it. For the life of me I can't figure out why she's feeling so vindictive towards McManus. I mean, she's got Alex writing her love letters, and he's got much more going for him than McManus. Some people are never satisfied. I know one thing. If Alex were mine I wouldn't be fooling around trying to get back at my ex.

I walk up to her. She's got a bit of yoghurt on the tip of her nose which I wipe off with the my finger. "I've been thinking. I think it's time we paid Alex a visit. What do you say?"

No reaction. She dips her spoon in the yoghurt and licks it. "I'm not sure I'm ready."

"Come on, it'll be a laugh. We'll surprise him."

She leans back in her chair and put her hands behind her head. At first I'm certain she's going to refuse, but eventually she says, "Oh, all right then. When?"

"I was thinking we could turn up on Alex's doorstep at Christmas. You two can continue where you left off." I give her a wink. "You wouldn't say no to a bunch more earth shattering orgasms I take it?"

"I wouldn't." She grins. "I don't get it. What's in this for you?"

It's a good question. One I don't really know the answer to. But she's looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. And I can't exactly tell her that I'm going because I badly need to see Alex.

So I lie. "Actually, I was hoping to see The Marquis. We've some unfinished business between us I need to attend to."

The Marquis is one of the bad boys, a bit like the Weasel. You're led to bad boys by your loins. Sometimes you get something at the end of it for your trouble, sometimes not. Although I've got a feeling the Marquis would deliver the goods. If I happened to want them, that is. Which I don't.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

Love,

Gherkin

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Don't do it

Date: 21 November 2011

Dear Gherkin,

How can I get this into your thick little head? I'm telling you: DON'T surprise Alex. It's utter utter madness. And I was JOKING when I said before that you had my permission to ravish the Marquis.

On no account should you board a plane to Austria. Do you hear me?

Oh I give up.

Egg

The Airport Bar

Schwechat Airport

Austria

24 December 2011

(Having a G&T to steel my nerves)

Dear Egg,

I appreciate your concern that the idea of surprising Alex sounds crazy, but let me just try to explain. I've had this feeling for a while now, that's grown and grown over the time I've written to him, that I need to go and see him. It's something I have to do, although to your logical mind it makes no sense.

While I was on the plane I felt devil-may-care, but now, sitting here in the bar with Eva I'm getting apprehensive. Why? Because Alex hasn't replied to my last letter and I haven't informed him we're coming. I figured it would be so much more exciting just to surprise him. Suddenly I'm wondering if this is such a good idea after all. What with his ongoing problems with his sister, it's probably a bad time to come. I'm also wondering if he's going to be ecstatic about me hanging around him and Eva like a gooseberry. Anyway, it's too late to have second thoughts.

We drain our drinks, leave the airport and get into a hired car. We look up Alpenbach on the map. With Eva map reading beside me I even manage to get us there by four o'clock. Alpenbach turns out to be a village with a small high street and cute houses that look like cuckoo clocks. All the shops are closed, but there is a pension open, so I go up to the woman at the desk ask her how to get to Schloss Pappenberg. She rattles off some directions in German, of which I understand nothing. Eventually she walks outside the pension and points in the general direction of an ominous looking mountain. I thank her profusely and go back to the car.

"So, you know where we're going?" Eva says.

"Absolutely," I reply, firing up the car and hurtling forward. I follow the road along the base of the cliff face for a good while before Eva starts to get agitated.

"Where the hell are we? I've seen nothing but snow and forest for an hour."

"Would you like to drive?"

"No, that's all right, just double back and I'll keep my eyes peeled for the Schloss. And get a move on will you, it's getting dark."

We've driven back almost to where we started and I'm beginning to lose the will to live when Eva screeches, "I can see it! I can see the Schloss!" She's pointing up the mountainside to a circular tower, with little windows dotted on it, like eyes, peering down at us. The tower is wearing a pointed hat overlaid with snow. I stop the car.

"Great, but how on earth are we going to get the car up there?" I say, looking up at the steep mountain, covered in pine trees and tangled undergrowth poking out through the powdery snow.

"Don't be such a spoilsport. Come on. Do you realize what this means?" She hugs me as I step out of the car. "We're minutes away from meeting Alex." Eva's done a weird turn about. I guess she hasn't got much imagination. She wasn't all that keen on Alex when he was miles away. But now she's close to getting her mitts on him again, she's breathless with anticipation.

When he sees Eva again he won't care that I exist, I think as I'm gripped by an impulse, an impulse that's entirely distasteful, to lock Eva in the car, go up and reveal myself to Alex as the writer of the letters. I push the mean thought aside, and tell myself, if it's meant to be, it will be. While I'm hoisting my duffel bag out of the car Eva picks up her Coach travel bag, her entire luggage for the trip.

"Can't believe you're travelling so light this time. I thought you'd have packed one evening dress at least, in case Alex decides to throw an impromptu ball in your honour."

Then Eva decides to go all deep on me, well, deep for Eva. "Clothes, what are clothes? I figured, who needs clothes at a time like this?" While I'm cogitating on this new thoughtful Eva, she's already leaping up the mountain like a gazelle.

As I trudge behind her through the snow, the white tower retreats further and further away. The darker it gets the more I begin to think that this was one seriously bad idea. At last we're up beside the tower which is attached to the Schloss: a huge white building that looks more like a Renaissance villa than the fairy tale castle of my imagination, which had lots of swirly bits and ornate spires. This one is very geometric. Two rows of windows outlined in pale blue, the lower ones arched, the upper ones square, with a row of short pillars running above.

"There's got to be an entrance somewhere," squeaks Eva, rushing up to the wall and running her fingers along it. Some of the white paint comes away under her fingernails. The facade is crumbling in places, its surface pitted and ravaged like acned skin.

As we circle the Schloss my mood becomes despairing. All the blinds are drawn and there are no lights on anywhere. It seems to get chillier with every step.

"Face it, Eva, he's not in."

"But he's got to be, we've come all this way."

"Look, lets drive back to Alpenbach, spend the night at a pension and come back in the morning."

Eva pouts. "There must be another bit to the Schloss," she says. "Down there. I can see a light." She points to a pinprick of light in the distance. "There's got to be someone about. Anya or his mother. Someone who can tell us where Alex is."

We walk towards the light, past disused outbuildings and along a stretch of land covered in tangled foliage. The sky is a swollen translucent grey, looking like it's going to burst and let rip with a torrent of snow at any moment, so it's something of a relief when we get to the source of the light, a cosy looking cottage.

"Maybe we've come to the wrong place," says Eva, eying the cottage mistrustfully. "You're sure this is the right address?"

"No, I'm not at all sure," I snap, trying to blow some life back into my fingers, which are stiff and frozen as icicles. "I've never been less sure of anything in my life." I'm wishing I was back at the flat watching a video and eating pizza. I'm wishing I'd never started fantasizing about Alex. More than anything I'm wishing we'd never come.

I get even more pissed off when I catch sight of a road running parallel to the cottage, obviously leading down to the main road. Coming that way by car would have saved my toes from turning into popsicles.

"Looks like someone's in," I say, trudging through the snow, past a beat up truck filled with firewood, and going up to knock on the door. Getting no reply, I push it open, gasping as ice-cold water seeps through my boots and attacks my popsicle toes. I peer into a dimly lit kitchen, panelled in wood with rows of plates on a dresser and a big grandfather clock in the corner. A half naked man, trousers rolled up to his knees, is ankle deep in water, which he's scooping into a bucket before pouring down the sink.

I take a few steps back, and bump into Eva who's busy watching him. Sweat is dripping down his back, due to his hearty exertions. Eva ogles his well defined arms, that ripple appealingly every time he heaves up another bucket of water, and gawps at the tangle of reddish brown hair that's taken root on his chest like some all consuming jungle vine. He's totally Tarzan. And as I stare at him, I badly want to be Jane. I glance at Eva, seeing if she feels the same way. She tugs her earlobe, and although I watch carefully, there's no licking of the bottom lip. I guess she only sort of fancies him.

Eventually I start to feel a bit weird just standing in the doorway, so I give a cough, but he doesn't notice. I cough a bit louder.

He jerks up and sees me. As he wades through the water he keeps looking, until there's barely two feet between us. Slowly his eyes explore my face. He has this very intent expression, like he's examining a portrait of the Mona Lisa. Maybe he's got a thing about women with wild hair in knee length beige anoraks. Or maybe he's mistaken me for a ghost. In any case, I'm melting under his gaze. His eyes are little points of fire in the dark room.

I avert my eyes to the water around his bare feet, but when I look up he's still examining me. I get this lurching sensation in my stomach, like I've just jumped from a cliff and am falling, falling, a sensation I experienced once before, that time Ben serenaded me. By the end of the song the world looked different.

I try and remember what I'm doing here. My brain's all steamed up and try as I might I can't remember.

Eva's huddled behind me in Prada moon boots and her Afghan coat.

"The pipes burst every winter," the man says eventually. His voice has a hint of an Austrian accent. "How could I not have anticipated that the same thing would happen again?"

"Like we give a monkies about his domestic affairs," Eva whispers in my ear. "Ask him where we can find Alex."

I nudge her in the ribs. "It does seem like rather a big job for one person," I say to him. "Isn't there anyone else about who could help?"

He wrinkles his forehead. "Not that I know of. You two couldn't muck in, could you?" And before I know what's happening, he's thrust a mop into my frozen fingers.

Now normally, as you well know, I'm a lazy cow, but I'm just so intrigued, okay, mindblowingly attracted, to this guy that I want to hang around and find out more about him, so I just start mopping.

"I won't pitch in, if you don't mind," says Eva. "It would be murder on my boots."

"I wouldn't hear of it," I say. "We couldn't go ruining your precious boots now, could we?" She drifts off while I mop the floor and he continues to chuck water down the sink. No words pass between us for an ungodly length of time. I want to talk to him, but for once I'm tongue tied, and since he doesn't seem to want to make conversation I wait it out.

When we're finally done he turns to me and holds out his hand. "Thanks so much for helping out. It was rude of me not to have introduced myself. I'm Alex, Count von Pappenberg."

Oh. Oh dear.

So he thinks he's the Count, I think, as I shake his hand. There was me all worked up, excited at stumbling on this gorgeous Neanderthal among the snow peaked mountains, when all along he was actually, well, a totally insane gorgeous Neanderthal.

He's walking over to a wardrobe with his back towards me. Just the opportunity I need to scramble out the front door before he turns around wielding a hunting knife. But as I'm inching towards the door he tears open a wardrobe, pulls out a shirt, and says, gesturing at some soggy bags piled in the corner, "Damn it, those bags of flour will be completely ruined. I knew the pipes might burst, yet still I stored them there. I'm such an idiot." As he slaps his forehead I realize he's not dangerous, just a bit delusional. I mean, if he's in touch with reality enough to care about the state of his flour he can't be totally away with the fairies. Can he?