See Dick Cook: A Culinary Voyage for the Average Man (18 page)

Procedure

Warm up the oven to 325° F.

Place your ham in a large roasting pan, using a drip rack if you've got one. Add one cup of water to the bottom of the pan, then pour the apple juice over the ham.

Cover the roasting pan with a lid or aluminum foil and bake in the oven for 3½ hours.

Meanwhile, combine the honey, Dijon mustard and brown sugar in a small sauce pan. Cook over medium-low heat, stirring occasionally for 3 - 5 minutes or until all ingredients are dissolved and blended. Remove from heat and allow to sit - we'll use this glaze later Dick.

When your ham is done remove from the oven and bump up the temperature to 400° F.

Using a sharp knife 'score' a shallow 1" diamond pattern all over the entire ham. You can do this Dick. (See
Tips
.)

Now, using your pastry brush, baste the ham with half of your glaze mixture and return uncovered to the oven.

Continue to bake for another 30 - 40 minutes, basting with the glaze until it's all used up and you have a nice golden crust on the ham.

Remove from the oven and allow to sit for at least 20 minutes before you carve that baby up.

Servings: 10

Dick’s Difficulty Gauge: Moderately difficult

Oven Temperature: 325°F

Preparation Time: 15 minutes

Cooking Time: 4 hours

Inactive Time: 20 minutes

Total Time:

Dicks Tips

What the hell does it mean to score the meat? It's a nice fancy cooking word for making shallow cuts in a roast, usually in a diamond shaped pattern. This serves two purposes; First and foremost it looks awesome Dick. Secondly, it creates a tender cut of meat and allows for excess fat to drip away. See? You learned something today Dick.

Serve this up with some Gold Digger Scalloped Potatoes, along with some Ears Like Cauliflower Casserole for a full menu. (You can make these ahead of time then reheat in the oven while the ham sits.)

Three Months’ Salary My Ass Salmon

This is one of the easiest recipes in the book Dick. Fresh salmon, a barbecue and a smile is all you need to pull this off.

Procedure

Grab your salmon and give it a good rinse under cold water to make sure it’s as fresh as possible, then pat dry with a paper towel.

Lay the salmon on top of your cedar plank.

Spread the sweet chili sauce over top of the salmon.

Heat the barbecue up to medium heat. When you're ready to grill, turn either the center burner off (for a three burner barbecue) or one of the sides. Place the cedar plank with salmon over top of the portion of the barbecue grill that has no direct heat.

Cook for about 30 minutes or until the fish is a light pink and easily flakes. Don't overcook the fish or you'll dry it out.

Remove from heat and serve immediately.

Servings: 4

Dick’s Difficulty Gauge: Very easy

Preparation Time: 5 minutes

Cooking Time: 35 minutes

Total Time: 40 minutes

Dicks Tips

Repeat after me Dick...I will buy fresh fish. Also, if you don't have a cedar plank handy, you can cook this on some heavy duty tin foil as well. Just place the salmon on a sheet of foil, bend the sides up but keep the top open.

OFF SIDE

“The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.” ~ Louis C.K.

Asparadick and Hollandaise

Asparagus takes three years to harvest Dick. You however, should be able to pull this recipe off in less than 20 minutes. You can also use this sauce for salmon, chicken, veggies or eggs benedict.

Procedure

Wash and de-stalk the asparagus. This is easily done by simply bending the asparagus in half, and it will snap in the right spot. Discard the stems.

Place asparagus in a microwavable dish, and pour about a half inch of water at the bottom. Cover, and microwave on high for three minutes or until desired firmness is reached.

In a small sauce pan, lightly beat the egg yolks. Add the remaining ingredients and stirring constantly, heat over low heat until sauce reaches a thick consistency.

Strain water from asparagus dish and cover with hollandaise. Serve right away.

Servings: 4

Dick’s Difficulty Gauge: Easy

Preparation Time: 5 minutes

Cooking Time: 15 minutes

Total Time: 20 minutes

Dicks Tips

Separate the egg white from the yolk by cracking the egg in half, and then over the sink, transfer the yolk back and forth from shell to shell allowing the egg white to fall into the sink. Be sure to get rid of as much white as you can or your sauce will be runny.

If you want to be a frugal Dick, keep the leftover stems and use them to make Stalker Soup.

Back in Black Bean Rice

This recipe is a great side dish, and easy to prepare. The turmeric will not only give your rice a nice flavor, but according to recent studies, it's also beneficial in fighting and preventing prostate cancer! This allows you to take care of your belly and your boys.

Procedure

Cook white rice as per package directions. Stir in oregano and turmeric then set aside, leaving covered to retain heat.

In a medium sized skillet, melt butter with the olive oil over medium heat. Sauté onions, peppers and garlic for about ten minutes, or until soft.

Stir in beans and hot sauce. Reduce heat to medium-low and heat through bean mixture for five minutes.

Mix the beans and the rice together, seasoning with salt and pepper to taste. Place in a casserole or serving dish and keep covered until ready to serve.

Servings: 6

Dick’s Difficulty Gauge: Easy

Preparation Time: 10 minutes

Cooking Time: 30 minutes

Total Time: 40 minutes

Dicks Tips

Instant rice is easiest here Dick. Pretty much fool-proof and guaranteed to be fluffy. As for the turmeric, you can find this spice along with all the others at the grocery store. Most spices are stocked in alphabetical order.

Baked Tomato Tata's

A great side dish to serve with chicken or fish. Simple to prepare and the presentation is great.

Procedure

Preheat oven to 400° F.

In a baking dish, toss together olive oil, tomatoes, salt and pepper. Bake for ten minutes or until tomatoes begin to plump, but make sure they don't split open.

Sprinkle freshly grated parmesan cheese over the tomatoes and bake for an additional 2 minutes or until cheese melts.

Servings: 4

Dick’s Difficulty Gauge: Very easy

Dicks Tips

Fresh parmesan cheese is essential here Dick...don't be tempted to substitute with the grated parmesan in the fridge. You can pick up a small brick or container of freshly shredded parmesan cheese at the deli counter in the grocery store. Failing that, go for some thinly sliced mozzarella.

Bare Naked Garlic Mashed Potatoes

An all-time classic if done properly, mashed potatoes are the perfect side kick to a great meal.

Procedure

In a large pot of water, add your potatoes and salt and bring to a rolling boil. Cook until the potatoes are soft and flake apart easily. This should take 20 minutes or so Dick, depending on how big your potato cubes are.

Remove from heat, strain and return potatoes to the pot.

Meanwhile, in a small sauce pan heat your cream, butter and garlic on medium low for 3 - 4 minutes or until well blended.

Pour your heated cream into pot and either mash or blend with an electric mixer until smooth.

Now add your grated cheese and mix/mash further until melted and well blended.

Serve immediately.

Servings: 6

Dick’s Difficulty Gauge: Easy

Preparation Time: 15 minutes

Cooking Time: 20 minutes

Total Time: 35 minutes

Dicks Tips

You could always garnish these potatoes with a couple of tablespoons of finely chopped fresh chives. Adds a nice flavour and ups the presentation.

Bitchin' Broccoli Salad

Nobody will bitch about this dish Dick. Healthy, full of flavour and great with any summer meal.

Procedure

In a medium sized bowl, mix the mayonnaise, sugar, lemon juice and Worcestershire sauce. Refrigerate and allow to sit for at least 30 minutes.

Cook bacon (about 10 slices) until crisp. Drain fat, cool and chop.

Wash and chop broccoli, grapes and onions. Pat dry and combine in a large bowl. Add bacon and shredded cheese.

Mix in dressing and thoroughly coat the entire salad. Refrigerate until ready to eat.

Servings: 8

Dick’s Difficulty Gauge: Easy

Preparation Time: 30 minutes

Cooking Time:

Total Time: 30 minutes

Dicks Tips

Again Dick, mayo is a must. Do not succumb to any substitute or you're dressing will be too sweet. This can be made early in the day as long as it's kept refrigerated. Dick Factor: For a twist on the recipe, try mixing in a package of Onion Soup Mix into the sauce but give yourself at least an hour for the soup mix to soften. Also, sprinkling the top with some sunflower seeds as a nice touch.