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He didn’t answer at first; instead, he let his eyes dance across my face. “The only thing I wanted to talk about was us…that’s all I can remember right now.”

“
There isn’t an ‘us’…we’re friends. I’m really confused right now. I want to be mad at Bianca, but I can’t hold on to that emotion. I want to convince you of something, but I don’t know what.” I looked at the ground at the shadows that were mocking an innocent shape. “All I know is that I have bigger problems right now.”

“
Whatever your problems are – I’ll take them away. I’ve promised you that a thousand times.”

I looked back into his eyes. “I think that is what scares me about you…”

“
That I want to take care of you?” he asked in a confused tone.

I moved my head from side to side as I struggled to find memories that were absent. “That you take them away,” I said in voice just above a whisper. I believed what I said, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t know why it would be so bad if he could bring me silence. For a second, I even let myself believe he was an angel sent to protect me, but then a sick feeling in my stomach took that thought away.

“
Charlie,” I heard my mother sternly say.

I felt her clinch my wrist before I could respond.

“
What has gotten into you?!” she asked, appalled.

She looked at Britain. “Step away from my daughter before I give your father a believable excuse to sue me.”

Britain raised his hands defensively, and my mother pulled me away. I looked over my shoulder at him. He smiled slightly. I felt foolish – what could I protect him from? He was strong, dominant; he had a way of demanding respect from everyone around him – even Bianca. I knew that the Britain I knew - the one that was compassionate and tender - was one that was only revealed to me. It didn’t make any sense that I could save him from anything…I’m so confused right now.

As we walked away from him, the whispers made themselves known by echoing a mocking laugh. I fumbled to turn my music up and put my headphones in as my mother hailed a cab. When we got in, I noticed the clock on the dashboard. It was almost four AM. I don’t think I’d ever stayed up this late in my entire life. My eyes were burning, but I did not want to close them until I had a shower and was in my warm bed.

I didn’t even try to talk to my mother. She was texting at the speed of light on her phone. I assumed she was talking to my sister Kara. I could only hope Kara would prove to be the peacemaker she always was. My mother and I have never spoken the same language – Kara was really our only way to communicate. She seemed to understand us both and closed the gap between us slightly. She hadn’t lived with us for years, but she made it a point to call me every day. I’m sure she talked to mom just as much.

My phone vibrated, and I looked down and saw a text from Madison. “I called her.”

I texted back, “I know.”

“
I’m staying here – get some rest I’ll see you soon – stay away from that girl.”

I didn’t respond. I was too tired to comprehend what she was not telling me. A second later, another text came in. It was from Madison; she had pasted the Libra horoscope to the text. I didn’t bother to read it. I really never cared for the idea of the stars plotting my path. Madison’s was a Scorpio, and from what I understand, they love the unexplained element the stars have. I had too much to worry about without adding in a prediction that may or may not come true.

Bianca had sent a text asking where I was, if I was OK, and wanting me to call her.

I let out a breath as I responded, “I’m in trouble and I’m tired – I don’t want to talk now.”

She responded immediately, “Rest – we have all summer text me when you wake up.”

I rolled my eyes and hit the ‘Sleep’ button on my phone. I stared out the window, trying to understand why I would have agreed to go anywhere with her – especially Cancun; it was so far away. I was determined not to go, and I knew my mother would have no issues canceling any plans I may have made. I wondered if I agreed to go because Britain was going – but then again, I didn’t remember Bianca saying that he was. Honestly, I barely remembered planning the trip before yesterday.

When we reached our apartment, I went straight to my bathroom and took the hottest shower of my life, determined to burn off every icky feeling that the ER gave me. Once I was dressed, I put my headphones in and turned on every light I could in my room. I had never been able to sleep in the darkness – I didn’t trust what I couldn’t see.

My room was a disaster. It usually was, but not like this. I always had organized plies of my things. The paramedics had managed to disturb the balance I liked.

I knelt down and started to put my things back in order. I made a pile for clothes I wanted to wash. I put my books in front of my window. I pushed a few graduation presents I hadn’t opened to the to the center of the room and tossed cards next to them to remind myself to send thank you cards as I opened them.

I sat down in the center of my floor and stared at my bed through heavy eyelids. I wanted to figure out what I was missing. The song on my phone shifted, and the hypnotic voice that was entangled with a beautiful guitar made me feel safe - but at the same time, the voice made me feel sad, so sad that I felt my heart breaking. Angry tears came to the corners of my eyes. I felt so lost and alone.

I crawled into my bed and reached to pull the plug on the clock that was screaming ‘Five AM’ at me. I didn’t want my alarm to wake me from the deep sleep I was about to fall into. As I laid my head on my pillow, the alluring aroma of Britain’s cologne surrounded me. I struggled to remember any moment alone with him. I could see us together, but I couldn’t remember the words we said to each other; all I could feel was frustration – like I wanted to see something within him…but I didn’t know what.

I was too stubborn to let this go. I grudgingly reached for my charger and plugged my cell phone in. I then scrolled through to find his name and texted, ‘it smells like you’re still here.” I moved my music back to the song that had made me feel safe a moment ago and hit ‘Repeat’, trying to capture that emotion and ignore the heartbreak it seemed to bring as well. A second later, the silent vibration of the phone ringing caught me off guard; I didn’t expect him to call – I figured he would text. I crawled out of my bed and went to my closet, turning the light on before I opened the door.

I answered in a whisper as I closed the door and walked to the back of the closet. I was sure my mother could not overhear me from where I was hiding.

“
I can come there now if you want me to,” Britain said in a tender tone.

“
No…you can’t…I’m sure my mother would kill you.”

“
Well…we can just talk until daylight, then you can leave for breakfast and I’ll meet you and take you away from all of this.”

I hesitated before I spoke. “Did I have plans to go to Cancun?”

I heard him laugh slightly under his breath. “You really are tired, aren’t you?”

“
Did I?” I asked, ignoring his comment.

“
Bianca had plans – and yes, you were included in them.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “I’m not going,” I said quietly.

“
I didn’t think you would – you don’t strike me as a beach person.”

“
Were you going?” I asked, still trying to understand this absurd plan.

“
I’m going wherever you go.”

“
Stalker,” I said in a sarcastic tone.

He laughed at me. “Guilty as charged. I can’t help it…you bring that element out in me…it’s your energy – its addicting. That and the fact that I have never had to try this hard to get a girl’s attention.”

“
That means that when or if you finally get my attention, you’ll get bored and leave.”

“
Is that your fear?” he asked tenderly.

I bit my bottom lip and clenched my hands into a fist before I answered. “I’m afraid for you, but I don’t know why.”

“
I’ve told you before, nothing can hurt me – not with you at my side.”

My eyes moved to the shadows beneath my clothes. I could just faintly hear the whispers behind them. “I don’t remember you ever saying that – what was I afraid of?” I asked, wondering if I was the only one that knew of the darkness I fought.

“
I’m not sure…I could just see the fear in your eyes.”

“
Well…I need to figure it out…I’m running out of time.”

“
Why do you say that?” he asked.

“
I’m leaving soon.”

“
For?”

I started to answer him, but my mind was blank. I knew without a doubt that I was leaving, that I had planned to say goodbye to my mom and Kara – but right now, I don’t know why. I suppose it was so I could figure out who I was and what was haunting me, but I couldn’t explain that right now.

“
A new life,” I said under my breath.

“
We can have that together.”

“
You just met me. We’re not to the point of ‘together’…I don’t think we will be… not now.”

“
I met you months ago, and I’m at that point - and I’m waiting on you to get there.”

I let the silence take over for a moment as I struggled with my emotions. My stomach was tying itself in knots. Talking to him felt so wrong – all of this felt wrong. “I can’t talk about this right now…I’m tired,” I said quietly.

“
K…sleep for me, Charlie.”

“
Bye,” I whispered as I pushed the ‘Sleep’ button on my phone, then turned my music up. I took in deep a breath as I heard the voice that had calmed me before. I looked down to see who it was as I walked back to my bed, but all I saw was a track number. That didn’t surprise me; most of my music was indie, so it was hard to keep up with who I was listening to.

My phone vibrated again as I laid down; it was a text from Britain that read, ‘Go to sleep my sleeping beauty I’ll take all your fears away.”

I shook my head as I closed my eyes. I needed sleep if I was going to figure him out.

Chapter 2

I felt a splitting headache and heard the annoying whispers long before I opened my eyes. I was still tired, but I was so thirsty I couldn’t lie still anymore. I sat up and blinked a few times. I couldn’t understand how it was still dark outside. I looked at my clock, only to find it unplugged - just the way I left it. I felt around my sheets for my phone, wanting to drown out the whispers around me, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. As I focused my eyes, I realized my room had been invaded, meaning someone had cleaned it. I shook my head, furious. The only right I had in this apartment was that Rosa, my mother’s housekeeper, was not allowed to enter my personal space. It was a stupid rebellion, I’ll give you that, but it made me feel in control of something. Everything I had grouped together was gone, and my room was spotless – basically empty.

As I started to wake up, I realized that it was probably my mother that cleaned my room. I knew she was looking for something, anything, to explain my out-of-character defiance. I hesitated as I tried to remember more details, what I was missing - but everything was just as foggy…it almost seemed worse than it was before I went to sleep.

I took a deep breath, then tore through my covers looking for my phone, hoping I’d simply pulled my headphones from my ears in my sleep. Anxiety started to come over every part of me when I realized my phone was nowhere to be found. I heard the whispers laugh. I furrowed my eyebrows in anger – but it was just an act; I was terrified.

I closed my eyes and started to remember the song I’d fallen asleep to – the voice that made me feel safe. I could barely hold the memory in my mind, but it was enough to give me the courage I needed to look calm in front of this darkness.

I sighed and went to find something to drink, hoping that my mother had simply taken my phone to get my attention – to make it impossible for me to hide in my room. The apartment was dim, but I could see the light from the TV in the front room at the end of the hall.

I crossed the hall to my mom’s room to see if she was asleep, slightly hoping that Rosa was the one in the front room. I found her bed empty, still made. The clock on her night stand said twelve AM. I turned on the light, too afraid to cross the dark room without my music. I walked to her bedside table to look at the date on her phone that was by the charger; it was Saturday – or at least it had been for the last minute. How did I sleep all the way through Friday? I searched her bedside drawer for my phone; not finding it, I knew I only had one choice: to ask her for it. I debated on just going back to my room to somehow hum myself back to sleep – but then the thirst that had woken me in the first place made itself known as I tried to swallow.

I stepped into the hallway and reached for the light, turning it on before I began to walk toward the front room. I watched as the shadows of the hall snaked themselves against the wall, avoiding the lit path I’d given myself. Walking down the hall, I tried to prepare myself for the lecture that was sure to come from my mom. I loved my mother – but one thing is for sure: we are complete strangers. She had never even tried to understand who I was…what I was really struggling with.

Before stepping into the living room, I reached my arm around the corner to turn on the light, then quickly walked to the kitchen, which was on the left. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother raise her head from her work and silently watch me avoid a darkness that only I seem to be able to see.