See Through Me (Lose My Senses) (7 page)

“
Thanks for the ride.” I grabbed for my keys in his hand. “I’ll see you later.”

He dismissed me with
a cool glance, and unlocked my door. “Nope,” he said, putting the keys, my own personal set of keys that I needed, in the pocket of his faded jeans.

My jaw dropped. I recovered enough to call after him, shock strangling my words.
“What are you doing?”

That didn
’t get a response, either. He opened the door wordlessly, and went inside to the living room. After a moment of gaping, I followed him. The glow from the light in the kitchen spilled into the room, making it seem even shabbier than before. Ash stood in the middle of the living, looking over the place with a sober expression on his face, almost as if he was weighing how his memories compared to reality. Without warning, he threw himself on the couch. A cloud of dust flew up into the air.

I sneezed.
“What do you think you’re doing?”

“
You should go to bed.” He tucked his hands behind his head and spoke to the ceiling. “I’ll be fine right here for the night, and then we can talk in the morning.”

What? He wasn
’t serious. He couldn’t spend the night. We weren’t in high school anymore. We weren’t best friends anymore, we weren’t anything. I’d made sure of that when I broke his heart and ran away.

“
This isn’t a good idea. Go home and sleep in your own bed,” I said.

“
It’s not like I can go next door, in case you haven’t noticed. I haven’t talked to my parents since I left for school. I don’t even know where they moved to, and don’t really fucking care.” The corners of his mouth lifted into a small smile as he continued to stare up, not looking in my direction. “I have an apartment in Cleveland for the summer. Did you know I have an internship at a gallery downtown? Of course you don’t, since you refuse to talk to me.”

Relief released another band across my chest. He
’d truly gotten away from them like he’d planned. But it didn’t mean he could sleep here. It didn’t miraculously fix everything between us.

“
Then go to your apartment,” I said desperately. “You can’t stay here tonight.”

He raised himself up, leaning on an elbow.
“I’ll leave if you tell me one thing.”

“
Fine.” I covered up my new tattoo with my hand.
Please don’t ask what I think you’re going to ask.
“What is it?”

His eyes gleamed golden in the low light.
“Why didn’t you show up in L.A. like you promised? Since you didn’t go to Michigan, which you lied to me about, you could’ve come out at any time.”

He did ask. Shame ripped through my chest to grab me by the throat. My chin trembled, but I took a breath to steady myself.
“My plans didn’t work out the way I wanted them to.”

“
Liar.” There was no anger in his voice, though. Simply resignation, as if he expected nothing less from me. “Just go to bed. You’re exhausted.”

He lay back down and closed his eyes, effectively ending the conversation. I considered forcing the issue and making him leave, which would involve arguing. Possibly screaming. My stomach turned o
ver at the idea. I already loathed the tension between us. I couldn’t escalate it.

And if I was honest, having him here was the only thing that felt right in this house, like the universe was re-ordering itself to the way it should be. It scared the hell out of me.

I went to my bedroom. My nose wrinkled as I clicked on the light. It was the first room I’d cleaned earlier, but the musty smell of neglect lingered in the air. The room still seemed so small and foreign, from the yellowed lace curtains framing the window to the rickety bamboo nightstand next to my bed.

I stripped off my work clothes, and changed into some running shorts and a tank top from my backpack. I pushed the curtains aside to open the window. On the windowsill sat a small bunch of puffy white dandelions, neatly tied together with a storm-cloud gray ribbon. The stalks were crisp, the seeds attached to the heads in perfect spheres.

Ash must have left these here before he found me downtown. I wrapped my fingers around my wrist. He hadn’t seen my tattoo yet. He was telling me he hadn’t forgotten about last summer. I’d tried to convince myself he would have by now—among other lies. It had never quite worked. Denial could only accomplish so much.

I opened the window and blew all the seeds off from each dandelion. They disappeared instantly into the
inky darkness of the night sky.

When I was eighteen years old, I fell in love with a boy. Little did I know, he was just waiting for me to catch up…

From the top of the long flight of concrete stairs,
I scanned over the beach spread out below me. I trailed my fingers over the metal railing, moving to the side for the crowd of people leaving. In the distance, the skyline of downtown Cleveland stood in all its hazy glory.

Ash had texted to meet him here while I was out on a run. I could see why. Dark clouds rushed toward the shore, and a roll of thunder sent tremors through the air. He knew how much I loved to watch storms with him.

Through the crowds of people, I spotted him near a lifeguard station, watching the sky over the lake. He was shirtless and wearing frayed cargo shorts slung low on his narrow hips. My breath hitched in my chest, the way it always did when I saw him. It didn’t matter if I’d seen him an hour before, it always happened. I tried not to think about the reason.

A group of long-limbed girls in tiny bikinis stopped in their tracks as they passed by Ash, giggling and checking him out. That
’s what usually happened at the beach.

He
’d changed over the last couple of years. Physically, like he’d finally grown comfortable in his skin. But more than that, he had started interacting with other people than me. Hung out with some of the guys from the soccer team. Went out with girls. Pretty, perfect ones that always knew what to say and what to do. I’d been certain he would move on from me. But he hadn’t. Not yet, at least.

Other people had no problem cheerfully informing me how he
’d slept his way through our graduating class. And two neighboring schools. I scraped my teeth over my bottom lip. It was like he’d discovered sex in the last year, and needed to make up for lost time.

Sweat trickled
between my shoulder blades. I skipped down the concrete steps. Strands of hair stuck to my neck from the high humidity of the day. I fought off feelings of insecurity over my grungy outfit, a white ribbed tank and blue running shorts that had seen better days.

I didn’t know why I was worrying so much about how I looked.
I was just going to see my best friend at the beach. He didn’t care how I dressed. Why would he? We were just friends. Always just friends. As I made my way across the sand to him, I noticed that the girls were still standing and staring.

One girl from the group, a junior named Brooke, broke away from her friends and approached him. I slowed to a stop. I couldn
’t blame him for his newfound popularity and libido—that would be hypocritical.

I
’d attempted to whore it up myself, too. Trevor’s harassment had slowly stopped, but my reputation continued to gain legendary status. And for a few drunken months the summer before senior year, I had tried to earn something I never deserved in the first place.

Ash gave Brooke a nod like he couldn
’t care less she existed. I rolled my eyes when she tossed her auburn hair over her shoulder, rocking back on her heels. Girls loved the challenge when he acted sullen and distant. I could see where this was going, and started to look around for somewhere to sit down while he finished his manwhore act. There would be some cocky self-assured dialogue, followed by giggling and fake coyness. Then numbers would be exchanged with hints of a hook up later. Hell, I should just go now, and leave him to his fun.

“
Katie!” Ash waved me over. Brooke looked over her shoulder, clear annoyance on her face.

Reluctantly, I walked over to them. Beads of sweat dotted his lean chest and shoulders. Sinewy muscles crossed his torso. Slivers of the finest white lines marred his shoulders, a few scars remaining from his father
’s beatings. You could see them if you knew to look closer.

Ash placed a hand on the small of my back, as if he wanted to show Brooke we were more than friends. My eyebrows shot up
to my hairline. If he didn’t want to talk to her, he didn’t have to use me as an excuse.

“
I didn’t think you were ever going to show up. You didn’t return my last two texts.” With a broad smile, he looked down at me. “I’ve been waiting for almost an hour, brat.”

He continued to ignore Brooke. Her mouth hung open, and then she snapped it shut.

“I didn’t check my phone until I was home from my run,” I said tightly. “Don’t be so impatient.”

Brooke s
kulked off to her friends. Ash didn’t pretend to acknowledge her departure.

“
Come on, let’s go find a place to sit down,” he said.

We found a place in the sand sheltered by the overhanging cliff and sat down together. Scrubby weeds spotted the beach as it transitioned to the rocky soil of the cliff face. I willed
myself to relax. It wasn’t a big deal. I kicked off my running shoes and peeled off my socks, tossing them in a pile. I should let it go, and not bring it up. I wiggled my toes into the hot sand.

“
That was kind of rude,” I blurted out.

A blush swept over my face. So much for letting it go. I raked my hand through the sand. Picking up a handful, the grains poured through my fingers.

He knitted his brow. “What was rude?”

“
Using me to ignore Brooke trying to flirt with you.” I instantly regretted how jealous I sounded. A few pebbles and rocks remained in my palm and I shook them off to dig in again. There was no reason to be possessive, I told myself firmly. Our relationship wasn’t like that. We were just friends. Always just friends. And Santa Claus was real, too.

“
Brooke who?” Confusion read across his face.

I stared at him. Why was he playing dumb?
“You know, the girl trying to talk to you, and then you waved to me and I came over.”

“
I wasn’t paying attention, I was looking for you.”

How did he not remember her? It was less than two minutes ago! She
’d stood right in front of him in a purple bikini, strutting and begging for him to notice her boobs. I had noticed them. They were hard to miss in that scrap of fabric she wore. I glanced down at my chest. And mine were just as big, but I didn’t exactly flaunt them.

Oh, crap. I was jealous. Insanely, utterly, overwhelmingly envious of some girl he
hadn’t even paid any attention to. Right down to comparing cup size. I scooped up another handful and clenched the sand in my fist. The more I tried to hold on, the faster the grains escaped from my hand.

A pang of
guilt hit me. This was one of the last times we’d be together like this, and I was ruining with my sulking. At the end of the summer, two months away, I was supposed to leave for Michigan for school, and he was going to Los Angeles to attend his dream art school. I wondered what it had cost him to convince his parents to let him go.

A few dandelions stood feebly in the sand. I plucked the wilted stalk of one and blew a small puff of air. The seeds danced in the wind and then vanished into the iron-gray sky. That would be us soon. He would go one way and I would go another. I snapped another dandelion and held it to my lips.

Ash picked up a stick with solemn expression shadowing his hazel eyes, like he could sense the sadness lurking in my thoughts.

“
What?” I asked.

He shrugged.
“Nothing.”

The dark clouds moved closer, almost to the shore. The elastic tie holding my hair up in a messy bun broke
suddenly. My honey-colored brown hair tumbled over my shoulders and covered my eyes. I pushed it off my face. It was too thick, and in the heat of summer, too hot to wear down. Ash watched me with an enigmatic smile, twirling the thin piece of driftwood between his fingers.

I plucked the stick from his hands.
“Mine.”

“
Is that what you think?” He reached over to snatch it away. “It’s like you never learned how to share.”

I stuck my tongue out at him, and held the stick out too far away for him to grab it. Trust me, I had plenty of practice in learning the concept of sharing things that should be mine. I wound my hair into a knot, and pushed the stick through the mass of curls to hold it all up. The skyline blurred in the wind, the outlines of the buildings phasing in and out of focus.

A tendril fell loose on my shoulder, and Ash began to play with it. Lately he’d become more affectionate. My neck tingled at the nearness of his fingers. Hiding my response was becoming more difficult by the day. It felt less casual every time he did it, like an invitation to temptation. Or maybe that was wishful thinking on my part.

“
What has you so tense? Did someone ask you on the way here if you’ve decided on your major?” he teased. “Maybe what you want to do with your life, too?”

My shoulders stiffened tighter, if possible. College was all that everyone had talked about for the last year. At first, it was where everyone was applying. Then it was who was accepted where. Now it was what everyone was going to major in. It was like everyone knew what they were doing, and I went through the whole process as unsure about the whole idea as I had been when I opened the applications. I still didn
’t know what I wanted right now.

Normal people wanted to go to college. Normal people also probably expressed their emotions and desires in a straightforward manner. The standards of normalcy mystified me on a daily basis.

“You’ll be happy to know I’ve narrowed down my possible career choices after some very careful deliberation,” I told him.

“
Really? Do tell.”

“
I’ve decided I want to help people,” I said gravely.

“
Impressive.” He wrapped the lock of hair around his finger and smiled. The dimple formed in his cheek. “That’s not vague at all.”

“
I know!” I waved my hands in the air. “Once I eliminated all the possible careers that
purposefully
cause more human suffering and pain, I am left with…oh, a million choices instead of a million and two?”

He laughed, but I hunched over and went back to raking my hand through the sand. Lightning strikes flared across the dark water. Despite my sarcasm, it bothered me that I didn
’t know what I wanted to do. I knew what I wanted to be. Strong. Brave. I stole a glance at him through my lashes.

Loved.

What was so wrong with taking the time to find out where those things would lead me before committing to a school and a career? Especially when I was going to have to do it on my own. A crazy idea had been simmering since my dad gave me the money for graduation.

Ash bumped his shoulder against mine.
“It’ll be okay.”

“
Maybe,” I said cautiously, and then decided to just say it already. “Have you ever thought about what it would be like to just take off?”

He looked at me, surprised.
“Like running away? I thought that was the point of going to college.”

It was for him. He
’d worked out an elaborate way to slowly disengage from his parents in L.A. by the end of the school year. Change his phone number. Move off-campus. I’d offered him money for him to do it faster, but he refused to involve me. I could only guess what that meant.

“No.”
I shook my head. “Have you ever wondered what it would be like to just take off and explore? You know, go to tourist traps and take bad photos. See the sun rise over one ocean, and set on another. Sign up for volunteer projects. Follow dirt roads to nowhere, and then get lost again the next day.” I dug my fingers through the warm, pebbly sand and scooped up another handful. “An adventure for no reason other than to have one.”

Ash looked out over the water. More lightning glowed from the undersides of the clouds.
“Is that what you want to do? Skip out on going to college?”

“
I should go.” I poured out the sand in my hand. “I should be responsible. If I’m careful, I could save almost all of my money. But—”

“
You’re tired of being responsible and always doing the right thing.” He studied me with a serious expression.

I nodded.
“All I know right now is that the idea of going away to college isn’t what I want.”

“
I think you should do it.”

It was my turn to look surprised.
“You do?”

“
Yes, if it’s what you really want.” He held the last dandelion up to the platinum sky. The seeds floated off on a gust of wind. “Life’s too short to be miserable. Or whatever the cliché is.”

Which was why I tried to be happy that he was leaving for California. He was leaving all of this behind—even if it meant leaving me behind, too.
I’d do anything for him. I leaned closer and breathed in the citrus scent of his favorite body wash.

We needed to leave soon, before the storm changed direction and hit the beach. Everyone else had already left. I stood up and took my time to dust the sand off my legs. They were my best feature, shapely and toned from running. While Ash got to his feet, I covertly watched him from under my lashes. He seemed mesmerized by the motion of my hands over my skin.